My BPD adult 22yo daughter is ruining my life

[Depressed Mom]

I found this forum in an effort to find some sort of support. My BPD is literally driving me crazy! One day I am amazing the next she spouts so much venom she seems possessed. She emotionally, verbally, and physically abuses me. She cannot keep a job, blows through men until they figure her out, has lied so much it makes me feel insane sometimes. Will this ever end? She abuses drugs. She has 4 year old son that she decides to parent on occasion. She never apologizes and is the most ungrateful and entitled human being I have ever known! She divides her father and I. He cannot or will not accept her BPD even when he has experienced the 10 years of craziness. She was an angelic child at one time. I just want to run away! I cannot live like this anymore. She cannot take care of herself or her child and she makes our home life hell. Please help! Any advice on what help we can get for her that works would be greatly appreciated. I am at my wits end. I cannot be a functional human being with her around and I have two other beautiful children. It’s hurts to say all these negative things about my child, but it’s how I feel. I love her with my entire being, but I do not like her at all. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi Depressed Mom - that level of craziness would make anyone depressed!  Sounds like it feels like a totally out of control situation.

Is your BPD daughter living at your home with her 4 year old? 

Taking some level of control, sometimes that means just taking control of my own reactions and decisions - it helps me feel less out of control if I review my own options and know that I'm choosing consciously what I want to do, sometimes including consequences for others.  Also learning!  I've read through all the Tools on here on the right and I think all the Lessons, watched many of the videos - it was extremely helpful!  And books.  Have you already read much of the literature out there?

If she is living at home, how do you feel about working out a contract with her, or if that's not possible deciding on some consequences for the most egregrious actions that affect your home?  If you are providing any support, I would condition it on her actions, but focus only on the most extreme at first.  A book that may be really helpful for this is Transforming the Difficult Child, a Nurtured Heart Approach - its been used with adult children!  It talks about making a positive connection, but applying consequences and requiring earning of all privileges/support.  Its much more detailed than that, I think its a worthwhile book although I didn't do the exact method in it.

Can you also find a way to carve out some space for yourself?  Next time she is off with a guy, can you take the rest of the family on a short trip to get rejuvenated? 

Therapy can also be really helpful - has she accepted her diagnosis and need for therapy?  As long as there is some progress, sometimes the difficult parts are easier to deal with if there seems to be an effort towards change. 

Keep posting here, others will definitely resonate with your story and have more suggestions for you.  Its an ongoing journey so finding a way to make it managable is key!  How is the 4 year old doing?  It becomes so much more tricky when grandchildren are involved.