Can't believe we've come full circle...

[GemB]

Hi Everyone!

Here is a little background of me and my husband before I get into what brought me here today.

Background
I've been with my husband for a total of 8-years. 4 of those years have been married to him. Together we have two boys. And I have known about him having borderline personality disorder for 6 of those 8 years we've been together.

Some of those years he has been medicated, most years he is not.

Currently, he is not. And I'm sure that therein lies the root of our problems.

My husband stays home and cares for our sons while I work. He has been prescribed a multitude of medications from his doctor that do not do anything for him besides put him to sleep. And because he cannot be asleep and take care of children, he cannot take those medications. His doctor won't put him on lithium, which is what he wants. He says he can function on lithium and it doesn't interfere with his life. He is currently seeing a regular doctor for his medications and not a Psychiatrist, as he doesn't want to wait 6-months to get on proper medication and he doesn't want to be in a clinic environment where he doesn't meet directly with a Psychiatrist, but rather their staff.

We have private health insurance so he is not dependent on any state systems.

What brought me here

We had a fight last night. He accused me of having inappropriate conversations with a man that sent me a private message on Facebook messenger. The man is part of an organization that both I and my husband are a part of. And I can assure you that I did not have anything close to resembling an inappropriate conversation with this man. I am the secretary to this non-profit organization that gets pretty active at night when most people are off of work. And this man asked if I could help organize a meeting. That is all. No need for anyone to think that this could be inappropriate.

I do not have a history of being inappropriate with men. I am not a cheater and have never been accused of being a cheater by anyone... .except my husband. He thinks all men a threat to his marriage and thinks I am inappropriate with all men... .including coworkers. It's so bad that I don't even mention men to my husband. Things happen at work and I never share the stories with him because he will twist it around and suddenly this person is now my boyfriend and I'm being inappropriate. It's frustrating to constantly be accused of things I would not even consider doing.

I calmly reassured my husband that I am not having an inappropriate conversation. That it has to do with our group and organizing a meeting. I have long since adapted a total honesty while online policy with my husband. Because he is an extremely suspicious guy that asks me what I'm doing online every 10-minutes. He also sits where he can see my screen and questions me why I closed down a window or why I landed on a specific page. It's exhausting, but I explain everything I'm doing to him so he can see I'm not hiding anything.

So, I asked him if something happened to him yesterday to bring up all of these suspicious questions and comments. I questioned him why he is accusing me of being unfaithful to our marriage? His answers were vague and pathetic. I tried to reason in my mind that it is not him, but the disease. And sometimes that works in calming me down and helping him work through it. Other times I come across too clinical and he resents that I'm trying to doctor him. Of course it's never the disorder, it's all me. I'm the one to blame.

It's been a long time since we had a flare up like last night. And I was quietly stewing for the rest of the night. I sometimes can't believe this is my life. And I yearn for a life where I'm not accused of doing ridiculous things I would never do. Or where mental health isn't making my life hell. I often hope and wish my husband would just go away so I can be at peace. I am just so frustrated.

Thank you for listening!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi GemB,

This sounds so very difficult and painful! It sounds as if you've known for a long time about BPD. Since not all of our partners have the same traits, may I ask what else besides jealousy are you coping with?

I can point you to some of the information on the site about jealousy. Do you also know about not JADE-ing? (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0). I know how hard this can be. My current partner is the first long-term jealous partner I ever had and it can be quite stifling. This actually to very damaging things in our relationship because I was afraid to be honest with him as I always felt free to be with in the past with others. This link can you help with how to deal with a jealous partner: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317660.0 Please let us know what you think of these notions if you get a chance.

Jealousy is a very tough element to deal with. I know that I use depersonalization a lot, but... .I agree that jealousy is so damaging. It is so hard to be at peace and it can make you feel like you are losing touch with reality. What do you do to bounce back after such episodes? What accounts for how stable things had been lately until this big blow out?

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome, ,

I'm sorry that you have been dealing with so many accusations. I know how frustrating that can be. pearlsw posted some links that might help you.

I have found great power in the use of the phrase "I don't like... ." This seems to have helped me with my H when he made accusations. I would say something like "I understand that you are worried that I might cheat on you. I would feel scared if I felt that way. I don't like it though when I am accused of cheating because I'm not. Please stop." End of conversation.

Do you think you could say something like this to him?