partner newly diagnosed - how do I help?

[anybud]

My partner and I have been together for six years now.
I love him more than anything, and we've been through a lot together - finally cutting off ties with both of our homophobic, physically abusive families, moving across the country, me getting a diagnosis of a Traumatic Brain Injury and PTSD, and just this week, he was diagnosed with BPD.

He's suspected for some time that he has BPD. Having been in therapy since a very young age, I'm fairly familiar with various mental health issues, but I just... .I'm trying to research BPD, trying to keep an open mind. I know it's stigmatized very negatively by many, so finding constructive resources has been a struggle.

2.5 weeks ago he and I had a huge argument about him avoiding his mental health (stopping therapy, not taking his anti-depressant medications consistently), irresponsible spending (for example, over $300 dollars on mobile games over the course of this year, all while lying to me about it), and being aggressive (raising his voice at me, stomping, slamming doors). I told him I loved him so much, but our relationship was becoming unhealthy, and I needed him to work with me, I told him he needed to see his therapist, and take his medications (or at least make an appointment with his psychiatrist to talk about adjusting them if he didn't like the way they were currently), and I wouldn't tolerate him yelling/stomping around.

I regret it, but I said "I didn't go through what my father did to me to have the man I love act like this." (My father was sexually and physically/emotionally abusive, my partner knows this.)

My partner told me he'd kill himself if I left him, and the conversation reached very loud levels, he was sobbing, etc. It was hard, to say the least. But I just tried to emphasize that I love him so much and I need him to help himself.

He seems to have listened to me, he's gone to his therapist appointments since, been punctual with his medication, and asked me to review his bank statement with him at the end of the week to help him budget and avoid excessive spending on unneeded stuff.

His psych just two days ago diagnosed him with BPD. He told me about it after the appointment and told me he thought the diagnosis was accurate, and he'd suspected it for some time. I told him I loved him, and I appreciated him sharing that with me, and I'd do some reading about it.

I'm so scared and worried about us and our relationship. I love him so much, and I feel just so exhausted with the stress. The winter is always difficult for both of us due to a PTSD anniversary for me, and the depression diagnoses that we both have. I'm trying to be optimistic and on top of everything, but I'm so weary right now. I'm keeping my own therapy appointments and taking my medications and being financially aware as well, I want to be honest/fair about it, I can't ask him to do things if I don't do it myself.

I'm trying to ask myself:
What more can I do to help? Am I doing too much?
How can I help him sustain forward momentum in regards to finances and mental health/stability?

He expressed interest in DBT, so we're starting to look into DBT groups locally, luckily it seems like we have many in our area. He likes to self-study things and read often, so I'm thinking of purchasing a workbook, maybe?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi anybud,



There is a lot going on here, but I must also say there is also a lot of hope here! The fact that you are both recognizing the issues and willing to work on them, that you like to read and study up on this stuff, all of this will take you very far in improving the situation - or at least not making it worse.

One the best ways to help is to take care of your own mental health and to work on improving the communication from your side of things. Since your partner is aware, has a BPD diagnosis that he accepts, perhaps he'd also be willing to watch videos here with you? Are your main issues his spending? Extreme arguments? Any other issues?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi anybud,

I really like your attitude, I think you are gonna like the progress you can make in this place. You just have to be patient, and not try to learn everything in a week.

There are a lot of bad places where the stigma can bring them and us down. But there are a lot of sources that speak about this with compassion. We try to be one, although we welcome everybody, and naturally, some of the family members are at their witts end, and they can sound very critical. We all can, from time to time.

I really like that your 1st post is "how do I help"? That's how I came here too. And now I do more in some places, but I also do less in some others. And the relationship works better and is improving. They have to work on themselves mostly. We are not therapist or caretakers on this, we have to find our place, by ourselves and by listening to them, to learn with what level of involvement they are comfortable. And with what level we are able to also take care of ourselves.

I recomend a lot the book "The buddha and the borderline" because it is a personal account of the experience of having BPD and searching for therapy and happiness. Both for you and for the person suffering. 1 out of every 4 people has a mental helath problem. We have to start taking that into account, and stop living in a world that tries to hide that, and thinks that it is a rare thing. Most of all, it has to be crystal clear that the person with a mental health problem, does not need to have any shame or guilt about having it. Radical acceptance is a powerful thing. And a good star to improve things. We accept things as they are, even as we work to change them for the better.

I'm really sorry about your pasts, but I'm confident that working in the present, you'll both have a happy future waiting for you.