College age daughter

[Bigwig]

My daughter was DX with BPD developing along with dysthymia, ODD when she was 15 by a clinical psychologist. She has had a history of rage filled temper tantrums, lying, overtly sexual behavior, depression, anxiety, hyper-talkative, over eating since she was 3. I pulled her out of public school and homeschooled since 1st grade. I engaged in her in Girl Scouts, 4 H, music and horseback riding to build her self confidence. She had many interpersonal problems with others in any social program.Her father and I went to talk therapy for 2 years with her when she was 13 when she cut into her arm "you lied" after a boy rejected her after she sent him a sexual video. She has 3 brothers; 2 older and 1 younger. She has never been sexual abused. We did use corporal punishment along with privleige restriction with her when she was younger. We have a history of bipolar disorder in our family and my husband along with both his parents and 2 brothers take antidepressants for depression. My husband's father was a functioning alcoholic gambler during most of his childhood. My husband's mother is obese. My husband had lapland surgery to control his obesity. He has gained weight back, but is only overweight.  I was hyperactive as a child with depression during my teens. Our oldest son is employed full time and is finishing his degree, our middle son recently graduated college and will come work for my husband. Our youngest son is a sophomore in college. Each of our sons have been successful and have seen first hand the rages, etc of their sister. She started with a psychiatrist after being DX at 15. We tried Ability and Zoloft to help with mood. She became zombie like. She went on and off different antidepressants. She became stable her Senior year and we thought she had "out grown" her issues. We sent her off to college 2 hours from our home. She was able to get into a Sorority which we hoped would give her friendship. I developed Cancer during this time. She went through alcohol, smoking, pot, sex, etc. Her grades suffered, but we could not deal with the stress of her at home. We told her in order to stay in college she would need to work.  She found a grant based tutoring position. We tried to get her back with the psychiatrist, but she refuses and functions high enough to survive.Fast forward to present. She is on probation with her Sorority with no friends. She went online and met a local military guy who is talking marriage to our inlaws but not us yet. He is from New Hampshire and we are from Georgia. We have tried to get her back to a psychiatrist as she had depression issues when he left for training and quit going to class. She got mad stole her Dad's CC numbers and bought lingerie with it. She has done this several times prior. He told her he would put her in jail next time, but he never enforces rules due to stress avoidance. She has used my Cancer as an excuse with professors, etc to gain sympathy although she has never helped me or come home to care. We discovered she was using a professional writing program to write her papers. She is a writing major. She was allowed to retake her tests when she missed classes as her professors were sympathetic to her as they believed her lies. We have discovered that the boyfriend is on Prozac and Wellbutrin, along with ulcer medication. She had a lesbian affair with her best friend prior to this boyfriend, also. My motherinlaw triangulates and acts as the rescuer which only enflames things. She is somewhat sympathetic to my husband since it was his CC used, but she is encouraging my daughter's relationship. I believe she is glad it is a boy since she knew about the lesbian affair. We were in hopes that the college would catch the plagiarism and her work would catch her skipping out of tutoring while staying signed in, but neither has happened. The right hand does not talk to the left and no one can discuss a student without the student's knowledge. We are worried over our daughter's future. She has never been hospitalized and stays just above the breaking line. We have ownership of her car and she has student loans and grants that cover most of her tuition. I signed an apartment lease until July as last year we could not deal with her stress, but she has become an animal hoarder and the apartment is filthy. She has gained 50 pounds in 4 years and her liver enzymes are off along with high cholesterol and triglycerides. Her roommate stays with her boyfriend and does not care about the apartment as she is graduating. My daughter's boyfriend lives there rent free, but gives her his CC for gas and food. She tells everyone she pays for everything, but we pay her Sorority (no longer), her car, insurance, phone, spending allowance, books and rent/tuition that was not covered. We have reached our limit on helping and are looking at taking her car and having her return to the psychiatrist or she is on her own although we are legally responsible for the apartment.We are worried about the boyfriend issue and her depression, but we do not know what to do as we are tired of the up and down with her. We have set boundaries in the past, but then give in as we see her depression return. We are unsure if she is rapid cycling bipolar or just borderline or what. But when we distance ourselves, she calls with a problem. Now, she is depending heavily on the boyfriend. I know this is a lot of information. She is 22. I have thought of going to the college and showing the professors her papers she paid professional companies write, along with telling them I had Cancer 3 years ago and my daughter never helps or supports me. It makes me angry that she lies and keeps her job, gets grades she does not deserve and we have to be the bad guys. I worry if she is not scared straight now, it will cost big time later.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Bigwig  

Welcome to bpdfamily   I'm glad you've joined us. That's a lot you've been through and dealing with, it's hard when unsure if rapid bipolar cycling, borderline or what. I can understand your worry if she is not scared straight now, it will cost big time later. Consequences can eventually catch up in time and that's how some learn and grow when responsibility is clearly in their lap, they own it.

Is your daughter leaving college soon, perhaps an opportunity to stand back as you say you've reached your limit.

You are not alone   I've found my way here on the forum, I wish that for you too, I look forward to reading your posts  

WDx