With hope and apprehension

[Psalm119]

I am just discovering what BPD/NPD are and finding out what drove the conflict in my 25-year marriage. When the threats became dangerous (legally, not physically) I knew that I had to leave for my own safety. I now know why, after two-and-a-half weeks of road-tripping in silence, I felt "free to be me", and after hundreds of personal interactions, that I wasn't the monster I was painted to be.

I am terrified that my wife will find out where I live and come after me. I am having to go through the divorce process without the tools to protect myself. And I am crushed by the fact that my adult (18, and home and 20, in college) children won't have anything to do with me because all they've ever heard about me is that I am a monster responsible for all my wife's (all) problems.

I am not inclined to participate in this kind of forum, but am at my wits end and need someone who understands to be there. I hope this is the place, but I don't know.

[kells76]

Hi psalm119 (great name btw)! While I'm not an "official" welcomer here, please feel welcome to the boards. It sounds like you have been starting to learn why your marriage went the way it did, but you're feeling like you don't have a lot of tools or resources to make it through the divorce or to have a good relationship with your kids.

Well, this is a pretty good place for people at their wit's end to be; at least, that was my experience. I'm more on the Coparenting board now (stepmom to 2 girls) but the folks here on Family Law got us through some dark days. I'm sure more voices will chime in, but for starters please know you're not alone in this. We have all been in & through some crazy stuff that it seems like nobody else would believe, and I'm sure you've had those experiences too. This is a good place to bring stuff up and get advice and perspective, if that sounds helpful to you.

Hope you're getting at least a little rest this weekend;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Do you have the resources to hire a family law attorney?  Has the divorce already been filed?  If not, then you can consult a lawyer in the area you live now to help you determine whether to file in your new area is practical or preferable.  Since your children are now adults you may not have custody or parenting issues to deal with and you probably aren't subject to the 6 months residency requirements for custody issues.

Anyone in and around divorce court will recommend your children (and you too!) take advantage of experienced counselors to help deal with the past dysfunctional circumstances.  You know it had an impact on them. It will impact them in the future too, such as what types of spouses they may seek for themselves.  Imagine, they're likely to choose either someone like Mom (domineering, demanding, judgmental) or someone like Dad (appeasing, probably passive and withdrawn, victim-like).

Also, if you are concerned your stbEx (soon to be Ex) may accost you or harass you, your lawyer can file for her to stay away from approaching you.  Yes, you may only be "fearful" but often that is enough reason to seek legal and official declaration of distance between you.  I don't know if you can keep your new residence or work locations confidential but your lawyer (or getting relatively inexpensive Legal Consultations) can answer those questions.