Don't kown what to do anymore

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hallo I'm a 30 year old father with a son of 7 months and I'm from Holland. My ex and I split up and I'm trying to get a good baseline of communication with her to see my kid, but she does anything in her power to make it as impossible for me as she can to see him, while appearing to make it my choice that I'm not there for him. I tried councelling, mediation, relation therapie, and now I'm stuck and don't know where to go and what to do. I just want a reasonable conversation with her without accusations, (emotional and other) black mailing, demands, banter, trying to set my friends up against me, and agression (verbal). Does someone know a good counceler in the Netherlands where I can go to?

[Mr mister]

Hallo I'm a 30 year old father with a son of 7 months and I'm from Holland. My ex and I split up and I'm trying to get a good baseline of communication with her to see my kid, but she does anything in her power to make it as impossible for me as she can to see him, while appearing to make it my choice that I'm not there for him. I tried councelling, mediation, relation therapie, and now I'm stuck and don't know where to go and what to do. I just want a reasonable conversation with her without accusations, (emotional and other) black mailing, demands, banter, trying to set my friends up against me, and agression (verbal). Does someone know a good counceler in the Netherlands where I can go to?

[livednlearned]

Hi Mr. mister,

Welcome and hello 

It sounds like there is no custody order in place? How do things work where you live when a parent blocks access?

A lot of us draw on both therapy, to help with relationship skills, and legal help, so we can offset some of the BPD stonewalling and obstruction that tends to go with high-conflict people.

Are you documenting everything? Whatever else you do, it's a good idea to keep every text or email, and maybe keep a journal, plus track things on a calendar so you have evidence if/when you decide to work things out in court.

When is the last time you saw your son?

When she makes accusations or blackmails you, how do you respond?

[takingandsending]

Hello Mr. mister and welcome to bpdfamily.

I completely understand the desire and thought that it should be possible to have a conversation minus accusations and emotions running the show. But the reality is that for a person with BPD feelings=facts. So while you are reasonably trying to stick only to facts, your ex will unreasonably only stick to her feelings because to her, they are facts. And your arguing about them with actual facts is invalidating and threatening her feelings.

When you get in this type of cycle, you are best to resort to limited engagement and, as livednlearned suggests, seek legal help/recourse to gain access to your child. And document everything. Do you have any access to your son at present?