tough custody battle

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

our daughter turns 3 in January. her daughter has BPD, Anxiety Disorder, PMDD, and was one point diagnosed and treated for Bipolar disorder.  Her attorney is aggressive and mine continues to try to find neutrality.  they continue to ask for more and the court believes her as she is so emotional and good at painting herself as the victim.  I have asked for 50% from the beginning while she started at 1 night for me every other week.  we are currently under a temporary parenting plan but moving towards mediation in January and likely trial in February.  I don't know how to get the court or my attorney to recognize why it is a serious problem and she is not the victim and our daughter deserves to be with me at minimum 50% of the time.  I am frustrated but unwilling to give up fighting on behalf of our amazing daughter.

[custodybattle]

our daughter turns 3 in January. her daughter has BPD, Anxiety Disorder, PMDD, and was one point diagnosed and treated for Bipolar disorder.  Her attorney is aggressive and mine continues to try to find neutrality.  they continue to ask for more and the court believes her as she is so emotional and good at painting herself as the victim.  I have asked for 50% from the beginning while she started at 1 night for me every other week.  we are currently under a temporary parenting plan but moving towards mediation in January and likely trial in February.  I don't know how to get the court or my attorney to recognize why it is a serious problem and she is not the victim and our daughter deserves to be with me at minimum 50% of the time.  I am frustrated but unwilling to give up fighting on behalf of our amazing daughter.

[Panda39]

Hi custodybattle,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

Hang in there you are not alone in your custody experience, it can be difficult, it can be drawn out, and it is most definitely scary putting your child in the hands of the court.  But you can do this and the members here can help with strategies and ideas that can be helpful because we have been there done that 

In what ways are your soon to be ex's (stbx's) behaviors impacting your daughter?  Pay attention to the behaviors (don't necessarily worry about labels) and how they effect "the best interests of the the child".  Are mom's behaviors putting your daughter at risk in anyway?  Is she neglectful in anyways or maybe overly indulgent?

I know your daughter is younger than my significant others (SO's) daughters but here are a couple of examples of things he used in court... .undiagnosed BPDmom (uBPDmom) had primary custody in the beginning my SO had every other weekend and Wednesday night dinners.

Neglectful... .Daughter(then 10) had a toothache, mom set up the dentist appointment then didn't show, so she re-scheduled and didn't show, then decided she didn't like the dentist so switched practices and set up an appointment and didn't show, and rescheduled and didn't show... .3 months D10 had a toothache  Dad finally found a dentist he could get her to on a weekend and got her seen.

Other Daughter (then 15) was pulled out of school against the advice of her teacher, principle and against the wishes of her father to do "on-line/homeschooling" D15 did nothing and failed her freshman year of HS with a 0.0 GPA.

Overly Indulgent... .D10 had a stomachache on Monday, mom kept her home from school for an entire week. 

Have you been or are you documenting what you see?  Keeping a journal, emails and text messages? 

Do you have a Custody Evaluator involved in your case? How do you feel about your attorney so far?

I hope to hear more of your story when you have time.

I also want to suggest a book that you might find helpful... .

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy

Take Care   
Panda39

[Skyhawk]

I'm a little confused, your wife has BPD, or her daughter does?

Do you have any kind of documentation or witnesses that can poke holes in her 'victim' story? I was fortunate, as my ex gave me a tremendous amount of evidence to work with right up through mediation, and that helped avoid trial and get me nearly full custody.

If you don't mind me asking, what is their reasoning for you only getting one night every other week? What kind of claims are hey making to justify this?

I know it's tough when you're already in the middle of it, but it may be time to find a new attorney. It would be even more helpful to find one with some background in mental health. Another option is to push your attorney to ask for a social investigation (I think most here refer to them as custody evaluations), performed by a mental health professional. I am currently going through this, and it gives me a little peace of mind to know that somebody trained in mental health and child psychology will be digging into her (and my) life, and making a recommendation to the court.

I feel for you, and know how it feels to be on the defensive.

[livednlearned]

Hi custodybattle,

Welcome and hello 

Those are a lot of emotional diagnoses, just one alone is a lot to handle. I can only imagine what you've been through.

A lawyer who tries to find neutrality in a high-conflict case is probably in over her head (it happens). If you are stuck in a retainer situation and aren't in a position to fire her, maybe this article is something your L can read. It's written for lawyers, by lawyers, about how to handle a high-conflict divorce, based on the work of Bill Eddy, the author that Panda recommended you read.

What is the temporary order in place at the moment?

Hang in there. I'm guessing your own emotions are cranked to 10 at the moment, given what you're going through. This forum is a great place to get grounded -- the collective wisdom is amazing and can make a real difference in your case, and in your mental/emotional state.

Mediation is not likely to work, because, well, she's BPD. Is mediation mandatory in your state? One thing to be aware of is that many lawyers take pride in the number of cases they can settle in mediation. No one wants to go to trial, obviously, and judges don't want to see every custody case in their court. I felt in my case that the L and the mediator wanted me to settle for less than what I knew was best. And be aware, too, that some lawyers, in order to maintain collegiality with each other, make back room deals. They may give something on one case in exchange for something in another. They might also allow continuations and extensions out of courtesy, except in our cases, those courtesies get abused. A lot of BPD sufferers stonewall and obstruct, which can mean years of unnecessary suffering for the kids, especially if they are in a limbo custody arrangement that gives the disordered parent more custodial time.

Plus, the emotional dysregulations and cognitive distortions that go with BPD make it all but impossible for them to engage in problem-solving, which is required for mediation to work.

Mediation rarely works in our favor.

Maybe we can help you think ahead to prepare for mediation in a way that is more strategic and big picture than how your L might be thinking about it.

Is your lawyer counseling you to give up on 50/50?

[ForeverDad]

A lawyer who tries to find neutrality in a high-conflict case is probably in over her head (it happens). If you are stuck in a retainer situation and aren't in a position to fire her, maybe this article is something your L can read. It's written for lawyers, by lawyers, about how to handle a high-conflict divorce, based on the work of Bill Eddy, the author that Panda recommended you read.

Does your lawyer realize you can't reason with someone who isn't reasonable?  LnL is right, when the other parent is adamant at 99%, seeking 50% is too passive an approach.  For one thing, court might just decide to split the difference so you both lose a bit.  You'd then you'd be better off than you are now, but only rising to 'standard' dad time such as alternate weekends and maybe an evening or overnight in between.  (My ex had a DV case pending against her but the magistrate still made a temp order where ex had custody and 78% majority time, leaving me with just 22% time.  And the two temp orders lasted two years.)

My lawyer never cared about a specific diagnosis, though he did, when frustrated, call her crazy, F* Nuts and speculated she could probably pass a lie detector test.  Court too is often willing to ignore a specific diagnosis or diagnostic description.  They deal with people as they are.  They pay more attention to the behaviors and behavior patterns.  And they pay more attention to the parenting behaviors than the adult behaviors.  She rants or rages at you, so what.  She rants or rages at the kids, that might be considered more 'actionable' to the court.  You would do well to adjust your strategies along those lines.

About the Bipolar diagnosis... .Historically insurance often refused to cover BPD sessions.  Therefore many professionals would diagnose Bipolar instead so the patient could get coverage.  Though the behaviors might have some similarities, their causes are different.  Bipolar can be treated with medications to balance the person.  Borderline is a Personality Disorder, an abnormality in mood regulation and cognition, how the person thinks.  Meds may moderate the behaviors but what is really needed for BPD is therapy over a very long term, probably years.

Mediation is often a requirement in divorces, generally the first step after setting a temp order.  The problem is that early in a case the person with BPD (pwBPD) is far too entitled and controlling to be reasonable.  So if you tried to get success in mediation you most likely would be selling yourself short, and your parenting too.  For that reason walk into mediation ready to negotiate but if she's not ready to be reasonable then it is perfectly okay to try for a while and then declare, "Mediation isn't working, her terms are not reasonable nor appropriate and so no option but to proceed to court."

However, many here did reach settlement eventually but almost always much later in the case such as just before a major hearing or trial.  In my case, both ordered mediation and ordered settlement conference failed.  Finally we got through all the preliminaries and the trial was scheduled, no more delays possible.  The divorce was approaching two years and as I walked into court on Trial Day — we had the magistrate's entire day scheduled for just us — I was met with the news she was finally ready to settle.  I learned afterward that her lawyer had told her she would lose, so that news forced her to deal with reality.  Talk about last minute "on the court house steps" ... .if only the court house had steps.