Small steps

[lostandconfused6]

I hope I don't jinx things by writing this but this month has been fairly good... .very few dysregulations and he has snapped out of them very quickly... .I stood up for myself and told him I will not tolerate his manipulation techniques anymore and his threats of leaving me and that he will start taking accountability for himself and the things he does to start fights or take situations to a place they don't need to go.

I also told him that if he isn't going to separate from his family then I refuse to be kept separate from his family and no part of his life is to be hidden from me anymore because it hurts me. I'm not sure if he took a second to realize how hurt I really am or how close I am to walking away but he very calmly listened to me and every time he has started in with his "old ways" of manipulation and projection and deflection or avoidance I very nicely call him out on it and tell him to stop, and he listens 95% of the time... .I understand most of this goes against the tools on here and by no means am I  saying this will work for everyone but I was at my wits end with everything I have a high stress job, a very serious chronic illness, and a child to tend to full time... .he likes to blame certain things on BPD and I straight up told him if you can recognize any little thing is because of BPD then you are capable of doing something to fix it or at least take steps to fix it I told him BPD will not be used as an excuse unless there is a solution to follow.

I'm hoping this change in him lasts but if not I have given myself boundaries and a time frame that I will not go back on

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hello lostandconfused6, congratulations on the good run and positive changes!  I'm hoping if we "knock on wood" you can avoid the jinxing problem.

I understand most of this goes against the tools on here ... .I have given myself boundaries and a time frame that I will not go back on

Boundary setting and taking care of ourselves is absolutely something that we teach here.  Many of us have had a lot of difficulty doing it, including for certain myself!  What do you think you've been doing that might run against the tools taught here?  I'm not trying to "catch" you -- but am genuinely interested in more details about what's working for you.  Each one of our pwBPD is different, and it seems like you may be having success with some tough honesty that might be more difficult for other pwBPD. 

WW

[lostandconfused6]

I guess to me the way that I spoke to him and not using the SET tool much also I refuse to validate some of the off the wall things he comes up with I call him out on it and tell him I know its manipulation and it won't be tolerated... .i'm not sure if that could be a form of jadeing... .but like you said every pwBPD is different and through trial and error everyone has to find what will work for their pwBPD... .I mostly have just gauged the situations individually and made sure that I wasn't "attacking" when I said things and through a suggestion from a member here I used more "I" speaking than "you" when it came to the topic of being kept separate from his family... .

And I find if I point out the avoidance or manipulation or projection or deflection in a calm way he is more receptive to it. don't get me wrong by no mean does this work all the time but a lot of time it does... .and when he gets a little testy with me in text messages I simply don't reply or I say i'll let you be for now I love you or I understand I love you... .he has told me many times in the last few weeks I have shocked a surprised him with how I've handled things.

[Tattered Heart]

And I find if I point out the avoidance or manipulation or projection or deflection in a calm way he is more receptive to it. don't get me wrong by no mean does this work all the time but a lot of time it does... .and when he gets a little testy with me in text messages I simply don't reply or I say i'll let you be for now I love you or I understand I love you... .he has told me many times in the last few weeks I have shocked a surprised him with how I've handled things.

That's a great starting point. Remember when using SET, it isn't necessarily to change their behavior, it's to change ours. It's for us to feel like we have a way to share our concerns with them. By validating, sympathizing, and being supportive with them first then sharing a truth, it allows us to 1) show compassion towards them instead of just reacting with our own emotions 2) let's them know that we do care about what they feel 3) let's them see that they are being heard and often will move past their own emotions and be able to listen to us 4)moves us out of our own emotions so that we can be clear headed 5) allows us to speak up for ourselves.

Does that make sense?

[Radcliff]

lostandconfused6, it sounds like you are being mindful of how best to communicate with your husband.  You are using validation, and you are paying attention to how much "Truth" he can handle.  You are also wise enough to give him space if things get too uncomfortable, but in a way that says it's temporary.  In a way, it sounds like you are using a "shorthand" SET -- you see how he's doing, and see how much S and E he needs before the T.

One thing that I find is that if there's been a long period of things working well, I get rusty, and need a tuneup.  If things start to get a little bumpy down the road, come back to the tools, reread them, and then put them to work in the way that best works for you and your husband.  Even though you feel like you've customized on the tools, if you need a tuneup I think the tools as well as your customizations will come back to you quickly.

WW

[lostandconfused6]

That's a great starting point. Remember when using SET, it isn't necessarily to change their behavior, it's to change ours. It's for us to feel like we have a way to share our concerns with them. By validating, sympathizing, and being supportive with them first then sharing a truth, it allows us to 1) show compassion towards them instead of just reacting with our own emotions 2) let's them know that we do care about what they feel 3) let's them see that they are being heard and often will move past their own emotions and be able to listen to us 4)moves us out of our own emotions so that we can be clear headed 5) allows us to speak up for ourselves.

Does that make sense?

Yes that does make sense! thank you!

[lostandconfused6]

lostandconfused6, it sounds like you are being mindful of how best to communicate with your husband.  You are using validation, and you are paying attention to how much "Truth" he can handle.  You are also wise enough to give him space if things get too uncomfortable, but in a way that says it's temporary.  In a way, it sounds like you are using a "shorthand" SET -- you see how he's doing, and see how much S and E he needs before the T.

One thing that I find is that if there's been a long period of things working well, I get rusty, and need a tuneup.  If things start to get a little bumpy down the road, come back to the tools, reread them, and then put them to work in the way that best works for you and your husband.  Even though you feel like you've customized on the tools, if you need a tuneup I think the tools as well as your customizations will come back to you quickly.

WW

I will definitely always come back to brush up thank you for the advice!