Custody

[Foolsgold]

Is it true that BPD women typically lose custody

[flourdust]

Is it true that BPD women typically lose custody

A diagnosis won't necessarily affect custody, but patterns of behavior can. What's going on with you?

[ForeverDad]

Courts are very, very reluctant to award sole custody to one parent.  They prefer joint custody so neither parent feels shut out or invalidated.  Typically there has to be extreme behaviors to trigger that option and repeated appearances in court may be needed for a court to agree to change custody from joint.

Or are you asking about parenting time in a schedule?  While mothers generally do get a default but unwritten preference in courts, for a father to get more than "typical dad alternate weekends" he needs to step forward, provide documentation why he should get more than the usual schedule, demonstrate he wants to be an involved father and ignore the social pressure or presumption to fade into the background and leave his wallet behind.

Most here don't get sole custody.  Some do get a better kind of 'joint', either Decision Making or Tie Breaker status which is like virtual custody.  It's still joint but if there's an impasse on major issues then you're not stuck for months waiting on court, you can proceed and it's up to the ex to take you to court to contest.

Domestic courts and the professionals associated with the courts typically aren't interested in making a diagnostic label nor in fixing people.  They deal with people mostly as they are.  The courts also downplay conflict, expecting the conflict to fade in time as happens with reasonably normal people.  While mothers do often seem to get default preference, behaviors and actions to make a difference.  So we need to follow that example, document the poor behaviors and behavior patterns while also demonstrating that we are reasonably normal parents, problem solvers and in court having realized appeasement and inept peacemaking don't work.

My story, briefly... .I had two temp orders, one for the separation and initial ex parte allegations, another for the divorce process.  Between the two temp orders they covered more than two years.  Both gave mother temp custody and temp majority time.  (I was stunned since before the first she was facing a pending Threat of DV case in the other court and before the second she had blocked all father-preschooler contact for over three months after the first order had ended.  And I was pristine, nothing was ever substantiated against me.)  By the end of the divorce process she looked bad but the best I could do is what the custody evaluator had mentioned, Shared Parenting with joint custody and equal time.  He did add that if SP failed then Father should get custody.  Well, it did fail but by then more than a year had passed and court said the CE report was "stale" and thus ignored.  Son's GAL agreed I should get custody but recommended time stay equal so ex could get child support and behave better.  Well, that naturally didn't happen, ex was still too entitled and within a couple years I was back in court again.  Eventually I did get majority time but only during the school year.  Finally the conflict subsided, either because 8 years had passed since separation and son was older, a preteen, or her entitlement balloon was deflated a bit.

[scraps66]

One of my attorney's had told me, about my courthouse which is "pro" shared parenting, that part of the problem is the status quo for shared parenting.  That the judges and masters were reluctant and unqualified to apply the criteria for custody in a way that resulted in the BEST, and in some cases the most obvious, custody arrangement for the child.  Her words were, in the end it actually makes the situation worse because two people that won't work together do not create the best situation for children.  I now know this to be true, I am living it.

It seems in all cases, my equitable distribution, was treated the same, right down the middle.  What court will do is work very hard to throw out the criteria that they are not trained to apply to wittle the list of criteria down to a "manageable" number to easily arrive at a verdict.  Example, equitable distribution is determined by applying about 10 criteria, one of which, maybe number 5 in priority, is the income of either parent.  In my case that was the sole determining factor. I had contributed $80k to the union, ex contributed 0, but the master worked it so his decision boiled down to my income v. ex's.  50/50.

Also, judges want to come up with verdicts that avoid appeal to make it look like they are doing a better job.  So, if you get 50/50 custody, the percentages are favorable that most parents will be happy with that and not appeal.  Much different in cases with a BP.

So, to answer your question, parents with BPD should have reduced custody and decision making authority, but I would bet that MOST don't, that most are treated like an equal party despite having a debilitating mental illness from a custody perspective.

[takingandsending]

I'd agree with other posters, diagnosis (undiagnosed) won't be basis for "losing" custody. But I'd venture to say many BPD parents lose custody over behaviors. I am beginning to realized the biggest one is simply not being able to handle having the kids.

My xw just extended my Christmas vacation time with my sons 2 additional days because stuff she wants to do or planned on her time. She sees me as the reliable, no cost baby-sitter. The courts will ultimately see the calendar of custody dates, and award more custody to me. So, in that sense, the BPD parent "loses" custody.

[livednlearned]

Is it true that BPD women typically lose custody

Did your lawyer tell you this?