Thoughtlessness About Holiday Gifts

[Michael43]

Hi all.

My wife w/BPD chose not to get me any gift for this Christmas.  We usually get each other some modest gifts and a card.  I got nothing from her, not even a card.  I gave her 2 new jackets, a bible and bible cover, and a cash gift with a card.  She knew she was getting most of those.

I have decided I will not give her the satisfaction in seeing my anger.  I did ask her to get me a card by saying, "I need you to take our daughter and get me a card for Christmas.  I expect to receive at least a card.  This will also set a good example for our daughter.  Can you do that with her?"

Over Father's Day she was hospitalized so I did not get a card.  She printed a letter for me for our anniversary, but this is the first time she clearly "forgot" in a clearly passive aggressive way.

Do you have any examples of your pwBPD "forgetting" about important birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc.?  Would you characterize your partner as thoughtless, inconsiderate, or just absent minded?  How have you handled things?

[Cat Familiar]

My ex husband often bought me “gifts” that he wanted and took them when we divorced.    I usually spent a lot more money on gifts for him, while he’d manage to spend next to nothing on gifts for me, sometimes finding things or buying stuff at the thrift store, when he could afford to spend a lot on his own interests.

I think the solution to the inequity is to spend very little on future gifts to your wife, but be generous with gifts to your daughter.

[5xFive]

My uBPDh never gets me gifts. Not mother’s day or Christmas or birthdays. He never has. He always says he didn’t think we could afford it. He has his own credit card and we pay it off every month but he typically maxes it out on himself and doesn’t have anything remaining by the time holidays and special days come around. He has dysregulated on our last 3 wedding anniversaries, calling me names and telling me he hates me and wants a divorce. Those days were the worst. I agree with Cat. I stopped buying h gifts last year on special days. So far, it’s been so much better. My birthday is coming up. This will be the 17th birthday I have spent with him. I don’t expect anything so I won’t be disappointed.
I’m so very sorry that your holiday was unfair and you were disappointed.

[PeteWitsend]

My wife will buy gifts, but typically there is a manipulative "angle" to them e.g. a book on "emotional intelligence" which she'll tell me is my problem.

two christmases ago, she got me a cheesy sculpture of two lovers embracing.  it was about a foot tall.  I gathered she expected me to display it at work as a "sign" to any female coworkers that I was in love with my wife, and therefore they wouldn't come in and flirt with me as she is always imagining and accusing (with no evidence whatsoever).

I was thinking about what to do with it, (I wanted NOTHING to do with it) when my 1 year old son wandered over, and knocked it off the table, breaking the head of the female lover off.  it was plastic, but a more brittle plastic made to look like clay.  OH NO... . 

(It was definitely an unplanned accident, but my son still got a secret cookie from me later).

[ozmatoz]

My uBPDw does not forget gifts, but like PeteWitsend the last few years there has been an "angle".

It used to be me at Christmas and birthdays to go out of my way to find her thoughtful and loving gifts. She usually gave me a few cursory gifts or something I picked out for myself and frankly I just got used to it.  I figured she was just a bad gifter or had a hard time and I would treat myself to something later if I really wanted something (never actually happened and now I know why).

Now in the last few years that things have been a struggle between us she has reached out to our friends or "the guys" for gift ideas.  On the surface at first this seemed nice.  Wow, look at this gift...   But now it has become apparent that it is really only to hold up her house of cards.  If she looks good to our group of friends, if she can make "the guys" jealous of me they will see her as the loving one, they would "side with her".  A side note, they've called her out a few times on some choice comments she's made to me in front of them.  Yeti coolers for Christmas last year, this year a bottle of Sam Adams Utopia and Sonos setup... .  All things she said to me hey the guys would love this, or they all have it so should you... .all this after 15 years of nothing doesn't pass the sniff test.

[sweetheart]

My dBPDh was good and poor with gifts according to the stability of his mental health at any one time.
With our son, I would always prompt my h to help him make card for me, but it was never set in stone, there was variable success. Now my son is old enough he makes me a card unprompted.

I found it easier in my marriage to not set the mark of my disappointment by my h's responses to traditional events. He was better at spontaneous token giving which I came to appreciate much more over the years. I struggle with the whole premis of gift giving on set dates, it allows way to much room for disappointment. I also learnt over the years, to get a bit more creative with gifts for myself, buying things as I liked them, and letting my husband know I had bought them from him.  I also enjoy gift giving just as much as the act of receiving them.

I'm not trying to invalidate you, however if this is a pattern of behaviour with your wife during these times, how have you approached how you feel about it with her before?
What and when has been successful with exchanges of gifts between you both?

[LivingWBPDWife]

BPDs only do things to benefit them, simple as that. Its a hard lesson, but you're not living with a rational, caring person, you are living with a BPD. Anything they do is a manipulation - IF she does get you a gift its NOT out of the goodness of her heart, but a setup for something she WANTS.

That said, my BPDw NEVER gets me anything, does anything for me, she forgets xmas, my b-day, you name it. But, I have learned to not give a crap about her and not give her the pleasure of getting showed with gifts from me. There was a time when we met and before she got pregnant that she was SWEET... .Then I would shower her with gifts, shopping sprees, etc. but the moment she had our daughter is when I realized she was full blown BPD and she wore is like a badge of honor, she stopped controlling it and let it hang out -- shocking actually.

This xmas, not only did she not get me anything, but she got herself probably 50 items, and didn't get our daughter ANYTHING, I did ALL the shopping for gifts, not once did my BPDw ask to see the gifts, say she wanted to sit with me for hours watching toy reviews, etc. She wanted nothing to do with it -- why? Because she has NOTHING to gain. What's even more sad is her parents and grandma give her money for our daughter, then she spends it on herself -- truly a narcissist.

So, don't expect your BPD ever to do anything for you, I don't know why anyone that has been around a BPD expects them to ever do anything for anyone but themselves. The ONLY time they will be nice is if they WANT something, OR they are having moments of clarity due to drugs, therapy, or both -- then I might think its authentic. But, since my BPDw is not in therapy, and refuses to explore any kind of mood altering drugs, I know she is just being herself, and I never expect anything.

But, still she is my wife, so I did get her a makeup box, just not to be the colossal ass she is, I didn't get it for "her", I got it since its the right thing to do, give her a single present for xmas, since deep down in her BPDness, anger, angst, etc. there is a very BROKEN little girl in there, I don't feel sorry for her anymore, but I won't let her turn me into a cold numb husk like she is.

You should go buy yourself an XBOX or motorcycle or something expensive that you WANT and DESERVE, if you are like me you bring home every penny of the income while you BPD does nothing, but complain and yet you probably feel guilty for EVER doing anything for yourself, I say F that -- do things for yourself, she will NEVER lift a finger -- once you come to terms with that 100% it won't bug you.

Rather focus all holiday on people that actually LOVE you -- friends, family, children, etc. BPDs are just "riding" in the bodies of people until they finally get EXORCISED via therapy, until then, focus on yourself and everyone else.

Seeing my little 3 year old open up gift after gift from ME, even though it said from ":)addy and Mommy" -- I knew my BPDw felt like crap, just a little, of course BPDs don't really feel remorse or anything, but they do feel guilt from time to time, so hopefully she felt something. Regardless, seeing my little 3 year old truly happy and SOO greatful made my day

[Turkish]

Why do you think she chose not to get you even a token gift this time?

[Michael43]

Why do you think she chose not to get you even a token gift this time?

Turkish,

I have decided not to try and rationalize her behavior anymore.  Her behavior may be reactive to something small or something that happened months ago that I didn't know about.  My guess is that she was hospitalized a month ago and that would be her excuse somehow.

I will have a conversation with her around Valentine's Day about which holidays we will mutually give cards, inexpensive gifts, etc.

[SlyQQ]

Shes testing you so you can prove you love her, what you do is up to you.

p.s. the testing etc will never stop, and you will never suceed.
also though you must realize this, you have been devalued ( there is someone else on the horizon or she just doesn't care(though this may change rapidly in given circumstances (eg back up plan falls through)

sorry if this is blunt trying to be forthright and i could be wrong and it is completely depedent on your partner having BPD.

[Enabler]

I find buying gifts for my uBPDw pretty simple, I generally hear a lot about what she wants as she complains a lot about things and is pretty vocal about the unsatisfactory things in her life... .so, we come to Birthdays and Christmas and I just pick something from the endless list of moans and fix one of them at the price point I'm aiming at.

Now my W on the other hand finds buying things fro me very difficult. I have to admit that I've opened many many gifts and thought "Why on earth did you buy me this? I've been hinting for months about something else, do you not listen to me at all?" She's now so paranoid about my less that ecstatic response that she's decided I'm impossible to buy for.

Making sense of it through a pair of BPD goggles, I agree with many of the previous posts and my W is very her focused in as much as she spends a lot of the time thinking about her needs, her wants and her issues and how external factors are impacting her "happiness". In that respect she vocalizes all these external influences so "fixing" is pretty easy. But if one spends their entire time being personally focused, what point of reference does one have when one is trying to buy a meaningful gift. I actually don't doubt that my W wants to buy me a gift that I will appreciate, treasure and will be beneficial to me but she just doesn't know what I want and need because for 99% of the time that's out of her capability to comprehend. So, when she buys a gift she uses things either she feels or things she likes on other people... .some examples:

- Birthday - Puffy Gillet - similar to the one my replacement wears
- Christmas - Puffy Jacket - similar to the one my replacement wears
- Previous Christmas presents - assorted thick jumpers even though I hate thick jumpers, she feels the cold so I can only assume she thinks I must as well
- A birthday some years back she bought me a water jug, some press up bars and a wheel thing to do stretches with... .now don't get me wrong, I took the hint that I was carrying a few extra pounds... .but I was actually pretty offended.

Taking a different view... .how easy am I to buy a present for? My needs are so suppressed in a relationship where my wife and kids needs crowd out my own, are my needs and wants even visible. I certainly don't verbalise them as when I do she takes me having needs as offensive or as a point of conflict. Am I able to receive gifts? I'm not good at that I will admit, I typically have feelings of guilt associated to receiving so even when there's been years where she's said "you get yourself xyz you want" I have failed to actually buy the gift. It must be hard for her to force me to receive... .maybe even odd, maybe ungrateful. I suppose it's like putting food in front of someone and them refusing to eat despite claiming to be starving... .and yes... .that sounds like some of the descriptions of BPD. I read somewhere that to receive you have to be open and willing to receive. It's difficult to know whether or not I am. On the one hand I feel guilt when I receive and prefer giving, and on the other, I find receiving gifts dangerous... .I can't fake "that's not quite what I wanted" and her disappointment when I get it wrong is horrible. I don't want that reaction and neither does she.

To summarise, receiving gifts is risky, so I don't like it. I don't like it because she hasn't the capacity to listen or care what I want and is offended when she gets it wrong even when she's well meaning.

[formflier]

I have decided not to try and rationalize her behavior anymore.  

Are you part of her health care team?  Have conversations with her T?

The recent hospitalization gives me pause to recommendation action, without clearing it with her team.

I would ask a big picture question.

Rather than rationalization or guessing, why not succinctly and directly ask the question why.

"Hey babe... .can you help me understand not giving me a gift this Christmas."

Listen to her rationalizations, reasons, answers... .

FF

[bpdisphun]

I was surprised this year to get a couple things I did want... .Maybe not the most, but I wasn't disappointed at all.  I DID give a list this time and I think it helped that we are in kind of a up swing currently so she (my wife) has been doing more nice things... .

Last year and the year before were completely different.  I didn't get anything I had actually wanted, and the things I got were either just for use around the house, like something you would buy any time of the year, or were just not on my radar for things I truly would want as a gift.  It doesn't bother me THAT much as I am not so driven by gifts, but it felt like the thought wasn't there really.  Then I start feeling bad for even thinking that... .

[formflier]

I would hope that you didn't express surprise to her. 

And... .I would hope that you can find a time in the next couple days to  stop her, give her a hug and a kiss, tell her you were thinking about the gifts she got you... .that you really appreciate her and the effort she put into the gifts.

Perhaps a playful goose and then move along.

Let there be no doubt you are expressing appreciation... .because you want to express appreciation.

FF

[Perdita]

Mine is also strange about gifts and special days. This Christmas he actually shocked me silly by getting me a nice gift. For Christmas 2016 he got me... .hardware. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I pretended to be delighted.

For my birthday he said he was going to get me a gift. Then on my birthday he told me he changed his mind. The year before he got me tea... .not even a mug with it.

He has never done anything for me for Valentines. Not even dinner or just a card. One year gorgeous roses were delivered, but I found out it was his dad that did pretending it was from my bf. Last Valentines he was out of town for work and I only saw him late that evening. Shortly afterwards I found out that his flight arrived 4 hours earlier than he claimed. He obviously lied about it so he wouldn't have to spend quality time with me. When he did show up he presented me with a small chocolate heart and announced "there. You made it. Happy Valentines." He said it twice during the 30 minutes I saw him. Oh and he ate the chocolate heart... .

As far as forgetting.  Well, I always have to correct him about when my birthday is. The sick part is that he always tells me proudly on which day it is.  The date he gives happens to be that of the very annoying brother of his crush. This is deliberate for sure.

[SlyQQ]

My thoughts are they know exactly what presents you might want, they invest a LOT of time at the start of the relationship finding out exactly what you like ( from taking motor mechanics to impress one boyfriend and playing d+d with another are only a couple of ( out of character things i've seen.)

In the jumper case mentioned above (receiving warm woolly jumpers when they are not liked )

there are three likely reasons

1 the jumper is for themselves ( you will find out when they take it )

2 it is done to get a reaction out of you

3 they just couldn't be bothered

It is very unlikely they think you want this as a gift.

[Enabler]

My W suffers from Raynaud's disease, ironically an extreme physical overreaction to temperature where here hands and feet get very cold or hot. She is permanently ice cold in the winter. She feels the cold therefore it probably seemed like an obvious choice for her... .not thinking that I'm peranemtly hot. It's not that she doesn't care, she just can't put herself in my shoes. In much the same way she can't see how her behaviours impact other people.

[SlyQQ]

My W suffers from Raynaud's disease, ironically an extreme physical overreaction to temperature where here hands and feet get very cold or hot. She is permanently ice cold in the winter. She feels the cold therefore it probably seemed like an obvious choice for her... .not thinking that I'm peranemtly hot. It's not that she doesn't care, she just can't put herself in my shoes. In much the same way she can't see how her behaviours impact other people.

So she doesn't know you don't want a jumper

because shes cold?

I sort of get it. they can have a hard time separating themselves from other people,

[Enabler]

No, her perception of what I would want as a jumper is based on her feeling about the cold not mine. She's not capable of understanding I feel things differently to her. If I bought her a jumper I would buy a thick woolly thing because I know that she feels the cold a lot. Despite her knowing that I don't feel the cold and don't wear thick jumpers (in fact I complain about being hot more often than mentioning being cold) she buys me the thickest jumpers available.

Her ability to think what someone else wants or needs is challenging... .I suppose we could call this empathy but it extends to the perception of others practical and physical needs not just how things feel to other people.

[Michael43]

I would ask a big picture question.

Rather than rationalization or guessing, why not succinctly and directly ask the question why.

"Hey babe... .can you help me understand not giving me a gift this Christmas."

Listen to her rationalizations, reasons, answers... .

FF

I asked and she said "Because you would be mad at me.  That I spent money on a gift for you.  I have no money!"  I just explained I expected at least a card and we would have a future discussion about whether gifts are necessary for future holidays.