Feeling so alone

[MajorConfusion]

First time I stumbled across an active site for help with BPD. Don't understand the abbreviations as yet but am trying.
Daughter, 23, BPD, Bi-polar, PTSD.
No matter what I do it's not enough.  When I try to back off and let her try to lead her own life she gets herself into situations she can't get out of.  Torn between being supportive and "letting go".  Been dealing with this diagnosis for about 12 years and the situation is not getting any better.
I feel alone in dealing with this as the ex refuses to speak to me about her well being or what he does when she has a problem and goes to him.
I live with and take care of my father who has end stage COPD.  That, mixed with my daughters drama, makes me feel like some days I can't hold it together anymore.
I've never been to therapy for myself but was always actively involved in my daughter sessions as asked.
I don't see therapy with a stranger as a good thing.  I see a person across the desk at a paid job that wants nothing more than to see Friday come and get out of there.  30 minutes once a week is just enough time to get the anger, rage, love, compassion, empathy, pain, and confusion brought up to the surface and then you're told Time is up, we'll see you next week.  I believe it's a joke. 
They don't know what I've been through and they really don't care.
How to deal with this? 
I am standing up saying - I need help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

I wish there was something I could say to help you.  Its a rotten disease it leaves you feeling so helpless and hopeless .  In our expeirence many of the therapist needed help themeselves.  The only one that saw right thru our d was the phys that gave us her diagnosis.  It takes a long time and a longer road too find a good therapist especially one that is well versed in BPD .  Not one that took a weekend class on it. My advise to you is keep looking and always believe your first gut instinct .  Before you find another therapist if you chose that route.  Ask alot of questions before hand and see if you can speak with therapist before your d does just to see what he or she knows about BPD.  See how long they have been in practice see if they have any prior patients with BPD, ask them what is their opinion on the disorder .   

[MajorConfusion]

I don't understand how to deal with the rollercoaster she lives on.  I feel it in every conversation we have.  I see it in her actions.  I deal with her issues on a daily basis, one day at a time but never know if what I say or do is helping or causing her more harm.  As I look back over the years I thing there are things I should have done different then realize no matter what I seem to do it's wrong in her eyes.  I love her dearly but she is slowly draining the life out of me.  She has been to over 15 different counsellors, 6 hospitals, noncompliant with treatment and medications, self medicates.  She is now crying to move back home from a different state after only 1 month of being there claiming she wasn't meant to be there.  I can't accept her into the house due to my fathers dementia, and I can't trust her.  How do you deal with the crying and multiple suicide threats.  I have always heard never to take a suicide threat lightly but when you hear it for years on end it becomes part of everyday speech. I just wish someone had all the answers because I don't have any.

[mggt]

I wish I had some good answers .  I am dealing with alot of same thing with our d . The struggle to always help them but when you have given them all the help in the world and they still dont take it , you should take them seriously when they say they are going to commit suicide but I understand our d said that many times. I know personally what we do for our children and have given up for them but yet they wont take the help and we keep helping them very frustrating on our part. Financially maybe you could help her if not due to your dads illness or maybe family/friend could intervene on your part and help her . 

[coquilles]

Hi MajorConfusion, I just wanted to say that I completely understand where you're coming from with this:

I don't see therapy with a stranger as a good thing.  I see a person across the desk at a paid job that wants nothing more than to see Friday come and get out of there.

I used to see therapy as this as well. I went through a string of incredibly unqualified therapists when I was young and was precocious enough to manipulate them into what I wanted to talk about. Into my adulthood I had a disdain for therapy that was really only fixed once I found myself in intensive outpatient for an eating disorder that had taken over my life. I remember my therapist saying to me:

If all we were doing was doing our job, would we challenge you? Would we press you when things got hard, or would we just let you talk about whatever you wanted, or sleep, or use symptoms instead of intervening because that is easier? I could just sit here and collect a paycheck, but remember, I became a therapist because I want to help people get better.

I think that last part, especially is huge. This person chose their profession because they wanted to help me get better. I know finding a therapist is hard and scary, especially because you're opening up to, as you said, effectively a stranger about horrible and vulnerable things. I strongly support therapy because of the difference I have seen in my life, both before and after ED recovery (I still go, and I may always go, and I'm okay with that). My suggestions are, find someone with hour long sessions - you're right 30 minutes isn't enough. Find someone you click with, if you don't like the person you will find yourself dreading talking to them. And finally, find someone who pushes you into leaning into the things that make you uncomfortable, because that's how things get better, and it proves that they are here to do the work with you, not just take your money.

If you aren't comfortable with individual therapy, I'd suggest considering group therapy so you have lots of help in getting what you need. What has helped me the most with my BPD SO is a group self-esteem for an hour a week (in addition to my individual, they work excellent together) because, I made friends with people also in  rough places and felt far less isolated (which I can imagine might be true for you with you dedicating so much time to your father) and I felt like I had far more support than just my individual therapist.

A therapist won't have your particular answers, but they are a great resource for helping you find your own. You've gotta put your own gas mask on before helping anyone else put on theirs.

[MajorConfusion]

I'm so sorry you're going through this too.  I know the frustration and heartbreak this diagnosis brings.  Helping her financially is out of the question at this point.  She uses and manipulates people to get what she wants and doesn't appreciate any of it.  I've had friends offer to help put her up but she refuses to live by the rules put in front of her.  I thought for a long time she was just a spoiled rotten person until I started reading posts from others.  I couldn't believe others were going through the same thing I was.  It's not anything I did.  It's not my fault I didn't say all the right things at the right times.  I'm just now learning I didn't do this to her and I can't fix her.  
I feel for anyone going through this.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone!

[mggt]

The only thing I can offer is you are not alone in this disease ,  I swear my d and yours could be twins they sound so much alike  although most of bp are similar some more severe than others . My christmas wish is they find a cure for this disease soon and all of us could wake up from this dreaded nightmare .  Stay Strong and know you have done everything you could for your d   Dont let guilt lead you or destroy you  It can do all of this if we let it but like I said before How do we stop loving our children.       

[MajorConfusion]

A few rough days behind us.  4 telephone calls late in the night from a drunk D all ending in her cussing me out and crying and begging for me to help her come back home because she "didn't belong" where she chose to live this time - once again.  Cried myself to sleep again.  One small thing tripped my trigger yesterday and I found the strength I've been looking for for a long time.  I carefully chose my words when I spoke to her on the phone again.  With no intent of hurting her I clearly stated that I deserve to be treated with respect, compassion, love and understanding because that is what I have given to her all these years.  If she decides to continue wanting to treat me without respect I can no longer help her or answer her calls.  I DESERVE better.  She said "ok" and hung up the phone.   Although I thought this would be the end of our relationship I came to understand it was the end of a dysfunctional relationship that was causing nothing but misery.
I know this is a step most parents refuse to take out of fear of losing their child.  I don't believe this is the case.  I now am hoping she chooses to help herself, find a therapist she can click with and search for answers and ways to self improvement.  I no longer feel the need to try to find a therapist.  I found a peace I never had before. It was a release of tension.  She now knows I love her dearly and for once I am going to learn to love myself.  I will be there for her if she decides to treat me fairly.  I will now learn a new way to have a relationship with her that doesn't involve me enabling her.  The thought have been there for years but the action happened last night.  I no longer feel responsible for her actions, and she will have to learn to deal with the consequences of her own actions.
I hope this will help anyone that is considering doing this.  It's a release from the past, a chance for a healthy relationship and a hope for her to see 'US' in a new light.