Stepping In

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

FORMER significant other, still in my life because we have two children -- one of whom is a young adult having trouble launching because they are having their own mental health struggles (bipolar disorder).

Would love to go no contact, but not practical because of ongoing care/communication issues.  Not that former life partner is being thorough or consistent with contact. 

Am having to process the pain of discard.  Even though I was very much an agent in the dissolution of the marriage, I would rather it could have been "fixed" ... .and there were behaviors/betrayals even after divorce that have made it hard for me to maintain "grey rock," since things that feel like (and sometimes are) aggressions continue. 

Am to the point though where I am mostly beyond stunned and am trying to figure out how to go forward, including potentially in other relationships, but while still attending to a very active situation with the ill child. 

It's becoming apparent to me that as much as I identified the things that were "off" and downright destructive, my inclinations to give space for the partner to "heal" and then mature, and to block/forget so many transgressions, mean there is a lot of painful retroactive walking through to happen, and a profound sense of sadness at wasted time, not to mention anger that I would be strung along (as it were) only to have him jump ship at a time of deep crisis and personal vulnerability.  Which I know tracks with NPD (his diagnosis) and BPD, but holy cow. 

Anyway.  I'm pulling together how to survive financial insecurity, the uncertainty of whether and how my child will emerge through intense crisis, and a boatload of grief.

Am using lists and articles and forums like this to reinforce how on target I had been in terms of identifying issues (gaslighting and repeated downright lying take their toll).  It's kind of weird, how I keep on gathering and reviewing data that support how evident patterns were and mess was, but instead of being able to say "ah, yes, so that's it" and move on, I'm -- for now, at least -- comprehending how vast the issue had built.  I guess that's what twenty years in a relationship will allow to accumulate. 

So... .looking ahead to figuring out how to best support my kids (yes, mostly grown, but still) as they process what happened, and how to flood my life with happiness instead of PTSD. 

Now off to read the boards and see how much (all?) of this has already been raised and discussed.

[Water Flows]

FORMER significant other, still in my life because we have two children -- one of whom is a young adult having trouble launching because they are having their own mental health struggles (bipolar disorder).

Would love to go no contact, but not practical because of ongoing care/communication issues.  Not that former life partner is being thorough or consistent with contact. 

Am having to process the pain of discard.  Even though I was very much an agent in the dissolution of the marriage, I would rather it could have been "fixed" ... .and there were behaviors/betrayals even after divorce that have made it hard for me to maintain "grey rock," since things that feel like (and sometimes are) aggressions continue. 

Am to the point though where I am mostly beyond stunned and am trying to figure out how to go forward, including potentially in other relationships, but while still attending to a very active situation with the ill child. 

It's becoming apparent to me that as much as I identified the things that were "off" and downright destructive, my inclinations to give space for the partner to "heal" and then mature, and to block/forget so many transgressions, mean there is a lot of painful retroactive walking through to happen, and a profound sense of sadness at wasted time, not to mention anger that I would be strung along (as it were) only to have him jump ship at a time of deep crisis and personal vulnerability.  Which I know tracks with NPD (his diagnosis) and BPD, but holy cow. 

Anyway.  I'm pulling together how to survive financial insecurity, the uncertainty of whether and how my child will emerge through intense crisis, and a boatload of grief.

Am using lists and articles and forums like this to reinforce how on target I had been in terms of identifying issues (gaslighting and repeated downright lying take their toll).  It's kind of weird, how I keep on gathering and reviewing data that support how evident patterns were and mess was, but instead of being able to say "ah, yes, so that's it" and move on, I'm -- for now, at least -- comprehending how vast the issue had built.  I guess that's what twenty years in a relationship will allow to accumulate. 

So... .looking ahead to figuring out how to best support my kids (yes, mostly grown, but still) as they process what happened, and how to flood my life with happiness instead of PTSD. 

Now off to read the boards and see how much (all?) of this has already been raised and discussed.

[Turkish]

Where is your child living, and is he in treatment? I can imagine trying to coordinate that given NPD exH would be difficult.  Not to mention forging ahead with your new life given so long a marriage.

We have resources at the top and right of the board which you might find helpful. It might help to zero in on a few targets to start.  What is your exH doing which most results in drama? Is the legal divorce stuff finished?

[Water Flows]

Where is your child living, and is he in treatment? I can imagine trying to coordinate that given NPD exH would be difficult.  Not to mention forging ahead with your new life given so long a marriage.

We have resources at the top and right of the board which you might find helpful. It might help to zero in on a few targets to start.  What is your exH doing which most results in drama? Is the legal divorce stuff finished?

Thanks for your reply.  Child just moved in with me a month ago.  Had been with Dad (or on the run/in hospital) since divorce.  He is in treatment; part of the conditions of moving here with me (a few hours away) was that he have providers lined up before arriving.  It's a classic time of year for him to have an episode, though, and with the challenges of transition etc. he is struggling.  But yes, he (and I) have support in place. 

Forging ahead after such a long marriage is indeed part of the challenge.  Kind of funny how people say "just forget him/move on," but as much as I wish to disentangle, there are regular reminders of how enmeshed certain thinking patterns and habits are.  Working on that ... .but the process reminds me how alone/vulnerable I am.  Including financially.  Divorce is final -- legal stuff done.   

[Turkish]

Sorry for the late reply, I was traveling... .

It sounds like you did due diligence and lined everything up to ensure your child is stable and taken care of. How did Christmas go, and was there any static from your exH?

If there is static,  what kinds of contact boundaries do you have in place? BIFF can help:

2.11 | Responding to Hostile Email After the Divorce

I get along with my ex now,  but I found that the "less is better" approach better in the beginning. Give small targets or none at all.

[sweetheart]

It will take a long time for you to fully disentangle yourselves from your marriage. Having an acutely mentally ill child complicates this process and makes it much harder.

Things sound tough, but you sound focused on the right issues particularly having your child with you now. What is the community care package like that is in place from mental health services? Do you feel supported in looking after your son? Is there any more help available from mental health charities?
Do you have someone who you can talk to for support? Family, friends?

Focus for now on staying well, eating and sleeping well, looking after yourself as well as your child. Give yourself lots of space and time to take things as slowly as they need to go in order for you not to feel overwhelmed. The grief at what you have lost is huge and as your are aware life changing.

I can relate to the chaos and worry that changing finances bring to a life. My circumstances have changed recently, different from yours, but my financial situation is now very different. I have to, am having to ease my way gently into a New Year where I have to approach money from a very different perspective. It scares the hell of me, as it is new to me.

Like Turkish has said, less will probably be more with your ex. Managing this will really help you move through this with increasing strength as you do not have to subject yourself to destructive, dysfunctional behaviour. You get to control how much of this is now in your life which is a positive start, from a difficult ending.