FF,
I would encourage you to continue and to look at these boards as people "reflecting back" what they see in your "internal monologue". (how you talk to yourself, justify things to yourself, make decisions, etc etc). Can we also "agree" to set aside our opinions about the motivations of others on these boards? We'll never know for sure, but dismissing an opinion that seems "judgmental" about infidelity has a very high risk of distorting the internal monologue that is being reflected back to you. Moving away from yes and no, black and white: The question is not a yes or no question about commitment to your wife. I think the question is more "to what extent" does your commitment to your wife go. You are obviously wrestling with that question. I hope you continue to ask yourself that question... ."to what extent".
I understand what the reflections are and I am not dismissing anybody's feedback, I take everything that is said here in good faith. All I am doing is reflecting back the same. There is judgement on these boards with regards to infidelity and I have had somebody actually say to me 'It is disgusting what you are doing.' I know that affairs press alot of people's buttons, especially if you have been on the receiving end yourself. I have not dismissed any of the opinions on this thread but replied with how I see things from my perspective.
It is the grey area that I am trying to highlight in my own post. I feel that every time I come on here and share somebody challenges me about infidelity and my commitment to my wife. All I can do is reply in the way I have above as I see it. I don't mean my replies to sound dismissive, but rather to articulate the complexities that I have experienced both in the affair and in my r/s with my wife. It is clearly a contentious issue with many people and I am just trying to negotiate a way through the emotional mire without too much emotional noise to contend with in my own head.
The use of I, we and she. The "connection" with your ex lover is obvious as is the apparent desire to lessen the impact or "ownership" of the "she" decisions. Such as... . It came through loud and clear that SHE offered to meet and SHE ended the idea. Then there was a shift to "we" ended the trip or were half hearted about it.
I think this is because the arrangement to meet came a bit out of the blue. It was posited by my ex telling me she had tickets to a gig on such a day and could I make it. I was in conflict over whether to agree or not and said it would be difficult but I could do it. Next thing I know she had given the tickets away. So if I sound confused around it, that is because I was. I am glad we didn't meet as things turned out.
If SHE had made the trip, been alone in a hotel room and asked you to come in and resume a sexual relationship, my "opinion" is that you would have gone along with it. I base that opinion on the totality of your posts, vice anything particular in this post. It seems obvious you want more with her than she is offering. That hurts, I get that.
That's something for you to explore on these boards and hopefully in person with a T that can help guide you.
It is true that I wanted a sexual r/s with my ex but I am no longer pursuing one because I am married. That is the commitment I made to my wife in my mind. My ex has never offered sex in that way. She has treated sex as an extension of our connection. Most of the times we met were based around gigs and events. Perhaps a way for her to escape the confines of her cloistered existence. It was me who pushed the sexual agenda and when I don't push it then it isn't on the table. In fact she said to me once 'If I could retire from having sex now I would.' That was when we first reconnected and I kicked a big stink up about it at the time. In conclusion she would never offer up a hotel meeting on it's own, it would always be to do something else as well. Obviously had we met there would have been a sex involved but because I know she doesn't really crave the same thing as me in that regard, it makes it a little easier to resist a meeting. In the past, I would have pushed and pushed for that meeting. The fact that I didn't shows the progress. That may not be a big thing to people reading this post but to me it is huge.
Just as likely as important, to explore your views and decisions regarding your relationship with your wife.
The woman that it appears you want to have a sexual relationship with is rejecting and or toying with you about your desire for her and the woman that appears to be sexually available to you is not being pursued. That's something for you to understand on a much deeper level
My wife is not sexually available to me. She has switched off any intimate contact and I honestly think the only way it will be reinstated is either through therapy or not at all. That means in the future I may well have to consider separating. That is something which drew me back towards the ex over Christmas, though in the end I didn't act on it. I do not feel my wife desires me sexually.
That suicide is an added ingredient to this mix, only increases the seriousness of need for YOU to sort out your role in all this. Clarity: With my own authority I have put many Sailors in "med hold" or "psych hold" because of suicidal ideations. All of those Sailors survived those episodes. I also have the experience of burying squadron mates that were successful in suicide. The investigations revealed many that "failed to act" and those people have a burden to carry for the rest of their lives.
Please accept that all on these boards understand how serious suicide is, but may choose to express it in different ways.
I do not doubt that people on here take suicide seriously. It was me initially that underestimated the reality of it by suggesting it was manipulation. I was discouraged from that perspective by Skip. That doesn't mean that I think anybody on here who suggests it could be manipulation has never experienced it - after all it could well be a tactic by a pwBPD to regain contact with their love object. What I said was anybody who thought it was somehow titillating or exciting hasn't experienced the horror of hearing that somebody has tried it. All of my emotions when I heard were based in anxiety and regret about things I'd said and done. No sense of excitement or drama. Just deep deep sadness and regret.
Pause... .big breath.
There is a lot going on in your life. You are "wrestling" with some of the big questions. Please accept our "reflections" and when you feel "judged"... .look to yourself for those answers and relief from those feelings.
For what it's worth, I don't feel judged by you and I accept that the posts on this thread are made in good faith. My attention is often focused on whether I am kidding myself in all of this and what I really want is simply to be with my ex. The answer to that is no. I choose to be with my wife who is loving and has been loyal and honest with me. I am trying my level best to get over obsessive feelings for a woman who has done nothing but hurt me. It isn't easy but I am getting there.
I read your post about the death of your father and your r/s with your wife. I would like to extend my condolences and say that I find the way you deal with things inspiring.
RF
