Interfering other family members

[Feeling Better]

Hi, I feel the need to post, so here goes, I will try to keep it brief.

Okay, found out from eldest daughter that N/C uBPD son (35) was back in UK for Christmas and would be staying with her Boxing Day.

I sent him email Christmas Eve and got no reply

My brother who I hardly ever hear from phoned me Christmas Eve under the pretext of wishing me a happy pre Christmas. Turned out my mother had phoned him, no idea what exactly she’d told him but he almost immediately asked about my son and told me that I ought to contact him and try to heal the rift! He apologised once he’d given me a chance to explain why that couldn’t happen. Asked me not to say anything to our mother as she’d already told him not to say anything to me. Funny that, she always tells me things about him that he’s told her not to, and then she tells me not to say anything to him. Get the picture? I forgot to say that my mother is in contact with my son and she sits on the pedestal that he knocked me off when he split me black.

I was determined to have a good Christmas Day with my 2 daughters and their families and my mother. I succeeded despite wondering when my mother was going to tell me that she’d heard from my son and would be seeing him sometime.

H, M and me were invited to one of my daughters for Boxing Day and that was the day that M chose to tell me about seeing my son. I won’t go into it here because I have already done a long post on the ‘living with a BPD parent’ board. Suffice to say M really upset me, so much so that I ended up having no sleep that night and at 4am in desperation I sent my eldest daughter an email!

M was supposed to let me know, she’d promised me, the outcome of my son’s visit to her on 27th. To date I’ve heard nothing.

The one good thing to come out of this is that my eldest let me know that my son seemed really good, he looked well and is being positive. At the end of the day, despite the BPD, that is what most parents want for their kids isn’t it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi feeling better

Gosh it sounds like you’ve been in the thick of it and I’m sorry that it’s been such an emotional time for you.

Christmas is a challenge at the best of times. Such complex family dynamics seem to rise above almost in their glory as everybody is trying to fix or have their own agendas. Not sleeping and writing emails at 4am is part of the territory and there’s lots of us know that innate need to take some form of action. I’m sorry that you didn’t get to see your son but more sorry that you’ve been left to deal with your emotions while he sees other family members. Do you feel they understand how difficult that is for you?

I’m wondering how you are now and if you’ve found a little balance back?

Have you heard of the Karpman triangle? Once I saw this I could see how I’d flit from one side to the other. I still try and fix occasionally but I’m far better at being aware of it. My niece is trying to cope with my sister (undxBPD) and is trying to fix, getting exhausted in the process and actually creating further codependency. Every time I leave my family (I live away from them) I feel relief that I’m not part of the constant dramas. The distance helps me protect myself. Here’s the triangle in case you’ve not heard of it. It was important lesson for me.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

So your sons visit has caused a whirlwind of drama. He’ll leave and get on with his life. Hopefully there’s been some exchange of views, reflection and maybe he will decide at some point to move forwards with wanting contact. This is out of your control and it’s going to require patience until he finds the motivation to change the situation. At this point in time you may feel your family has interfered and that’s understandable but maybe something they said may help. Only time will tell. I appreciate I may have got this completely wrong!

Sounds like it’s time to lick those wounds. From my own experience, by changing my approach and telling my family I was getting support to work on new skills, I created an inquisitive interest in my DS. I wonder if you demonstrate to your family some of the new skills, a new found confidence in your manner with better  boundaries this information will trickle through all the family. You will all benefit and you’ll be better prepared to align to your son should there be a desire in his part to see for himself a happier you.

Have you spoken to you mum? How did it go?

LP

 

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lollypop

Thank you so much for your response to my post

I have previously read about the Karpman triangle but it was a while ago so I will revisit it, thank you.

It's quite late now so I will reply properly tomorrow once I've had chance to take a look at Karpman x

[Feeling Better]

Hi again Lollypop

Thank you for your very wise and kind words.

You ask whether I feel other family members understand how difficult it has been for me and I have to say quite bluntly NO. I’m asking myself now, why is that? Well the obvious reason is because I’ve not told them. Why haven’t I? Well, because I don’t want to worry them and I guess because I don’t want to appear weak and out of control of my emotions. I guess a lot of us do that, put on a brave face in public and weep when we’re alone. Another factor is that they, my daughters, have their own families to take care of and their own problems to deal with. They all, H daughters and my mum, know that I have sought help but I don’t think they fully get why. And why would they really? It’s not like I’m walking around crying all the time and not being able to function.

When I first read about Karpman I thought it was interesting but didn’t think it applied in my situation. Now that I’ve read it again I feel that I can put the characters in place and see the roles that each play. The way I see it but I could be wrong as I’m not used to all this analysis stuff, my son flips between victim and persecutor, I flip between victim and rescuer and my mum, I think she likes to maintain her role as my son’s rescuer. So now I need to move to the centre ground. I didn’t fully understand before why I needed to be the one who has to change and I think I resented the fact that it had to be me and not anyone else. Now I see why, if I don’t make a move and change then I will be stuck in this situation forever. I feel that this realisation is very empowering and I thank you Lollypop for pointing me in the right direction.

I’ve not had chance to discuss my son’s visit with my eldest but she did email me that he is well and feeling positive and hasn’t regurgitated all the ‘old stuff’, as he usually did, for a while.

My mum has phoned me to let me know that my son looks well, he is happy, has a new girlfriend and is generally getting on with his life. She says that he is the same as he has always been and she can’t see anything wrong with him. So I wonder, what does she think when I tell her that I suspect my son has a mental illness? She also said that she asked him again if he would talk to me and he said no, it’s gone too far, so she left it at that. Part of me wonders whether she could have done more, taken it a step further maybe but she probably sees that what she did was enough and I can’t help feeling that she does relish the position that she finds herself in, and I can empathise with her that she is caught in the middle here. I just don’t like the way she handles it.

So back to me, I am happy and grateful that my son is happy and getting on with his life but my happiness is tinged with sadness. I’m trying to define where my sadness comes from. I think there is obviously the loss that I feel and mixed in there with that, there could well be a hint of resentment and even jealousy that I am no longer the person who he turns to.

To close I would like to say how happy I am for you Lollypop that things are still going well with your son and long may it continue x

[Feeling Better]

I’ve just remembered about something I meant to write in my last post but it slipped my mind. Well that’s normal!

I may be clutching at straws here and I don’t mind being told if I am.
I sent my son an email Christmas Eve, he hasn’t replied because he’s n/c but he did tell my mum about it and what was in it when he visited her. To me that is positive because it tells me that he actually read it when he could have deleted it without opening it or he could have even blocked it. That gives me hope, the fact that despite how he feels about me, he read my email.

[Lollypop]

Hi

That’s heartwarming to know for you. Patience and One step at a time. These small victories matter. The dust will settle in the new year. It’s great you know he read it.

I’m glad you found the link helpful. I did exactly the same thing. I read it but didn’t see the significance. There’s so much to take in and we really do need to go through the process. It’s ever evolving. I still need lots of work to do but I do only what I can now. At first I felt it a race.  There’s still so much for me to learn.

This forum is so great isn’t it. We take what we need when we need it. Everybody shares and picks up little golden nuggets on the journey.

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi feeling better

Yikes we are half way through January, been wondering how things are for you, has the dust settled?

What's happening FB?

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Hi WD

Yes, the dust has settled now, my son has gone back to where he lives and I am feeling much calmer, more accepting of the situation.

I currently have my mind on other things, namely my mother. It still bothers me that her knowing how things are for me, she kept it from me that my son was phoning her about every six weeks. A while back she asked if I’d heard from my son and I told her “No, but I hope that he’s happy”. She replied that he was, to which I replied “Do you think so?”  “Oh yes” she said. I wondered afterwards whether she’d heard from him but then dismissed it, thinking that she would have told me if she had. Well, I see now that she obviously had. She could see that I was upset at the time but couldn’t bring herself to tell me how she could say with certainty that my son was happy.

I have decided to no longer confide in her. I have no idea what she tells my son. The one thing I do know though is that whatever lies my son may tell her about me, she will validate him. Always.

I’m probably over reacting but that is how I am feeling at the moment x

[wendydarling]

Hi feeling better

I'm glad the dust has settled, you've taken time out for you, is so important.

I'd feel exactly like you do if my Mum intervened with my child when I'm  working through and out what is happening with my child who is struggling like you are working through  

When you say confide, what are you sharing with your Mum?  :)o you think she's gone into rescue your son?

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Hi WD

I share a lot with my mum, I always have done, but I’ve never been in this situation with her before. I could be wrong but I think she likes the elevated position of being my son’s confidante. I have told her that I think my son has a mental illness but she probably doesn’t believe me/think so.

Yes, she went into rescue mode, not sure if to rescue my son, probably more to save my relationship with him. Unfortunately she doesn’t understand the situation because she thinks that what happened in the past should be put in the past and we should forgive and forget. Of course we know that just doesn’t happen when someone has BPD. In her attempt at “trying her best for me” (her words), she told him that the best Christmas present she could have would be if he would speak to his mum (me). She even told him that I was ill, maybe she was trying to guilt trip him, I don’t know. I do have a couple of health issues but I didn’t want to know exactly what she’d told him, no point, the damage was already done. I told her that she’d probably done more harm than good. I dread to think what other things she might have said to him. I just need to forget about it, watch what I tell her and concentrate on learning how I can reconnect with my son when I feel that the time is right.