Pain outside the relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My h is employed very part-time as the music director/ pastor at his church; he is also in 'training' to be a pastor but is not able to make progress because of our marriage relationship. About two and a half years ago, the church hired a new senior pastor who said that it was probably best that I find another place to worship when I brought up the abuse within our marriage and family life. Before I left, I could tell that he was very opinionated and believed that his views were the right ones. In the last meeting that I had where he was present, he was telling me reasons that he didn't have to comply with the legal requirements.

Over the fall, I have been hearing stories of folks who were at my h's church who have had traumatic encounters with the senior pastor. My h would tell me that the people were turning against the pastor and forming a faction and being rebellious. Well, in mid-November, my h attended a staff meeting in which the pastor raged at one of the fellow staff members. My h was shocked and very distressed to see this and talked to the staff member afterwards and found out that this wasn't the first time and that the pastor has been mistreating others. The staff member called the senior pastor a narcissistic abuser.

It's been fascinating to watch as my h has now decided that the pastor who was 'speaking for God' is now all bad. H has realized that he has had a client who was like this as well and wonders why he is attracted to these kinds of people and can't see the whole picture. Church used to be the place of acceptance for my h, but now it's filled with tension and pain with fewer and fewer people - who want their senior pastor gone.

I mainly just listen to h process what is happening, and I try not to make it worse.  I'm glad that I was sent out early before things started getting bad. I also had a sense that this pastor was making our marriage issues worse, and the pastor and overseer want to insert themselves into my personal relationships now to make me comply with their idea of what should happen in our marriage. I said I couldn't help them do that. Learning about the drama triangle helped me understand what was happening and helped with staying off it.

At least it takes his focus off the marriage.

[empath]

My h is employed very part-time as the music director/ pastor at his church; he is also in 'training' to be a pastor but is not able to make progress because of our marriage relationship. About two and a half years ago, the church hired a new senior pastor who said that it was probably best that I find another place to worship when I brought up the abuse within our marriage and family life. Before I left, I could tell that he was very opinionated and believed that his views were the right ones. In the last meeting that I had where he was present, he was telling me reasons that he didn't have to comply with the legal requirements.

Over the fall, I have been hearing stories of folks who were at my h's church who have had traumatic encounters with the senior pastor. My h would tell me that the people were turning against the pastor and forming a faction and being rebellious. Well, in mid-November, my h attended a staff meeting in which the pastor raged at one of the fellow staff members. My h was shocked and very distressed to see this and talked to the staff member afterwards and found out that this wasn't the first time and that the pastor has been mistreating others. The staff member called the senior pastor a narcissistic abuser.

It's been fascinating to watch as my h has now decided that the pastor who was 'speaking for God' is now all bad. H has realized that he has had a client who was like this as well and wonders why he is attracted to these kinds of people and can't see the whole picture. Church used to be the place of acceptance for my h, but now it's filled with tension and pain with fewer and fewer people - who want their senior pastor gone.

I mainly just listen to h process what is happening, and I try not to make it worse.  I'm glad that I was sent out early before things started getting bad. I also had a sense that this pastor was making our marriage issues worse, and the pastor and overseer want to insert themselves into my personal relationships now to make me comply with their idea of what should happen in our marriage. I said I couldn't help them do that. Learning about the drama triangle helped me understand what was happening and helped with staying off it.

At least it takes his focus off the marriage.

[formflier]

  In the last meeting that I had where he was present, he was telling me reasons that he didn't have to comply with the legal requirements.

What is this about?  What is he not complying with?

and the pastor and overseer want to insert themselves into my personal relationships now to make me comply with their idea of what should happen in our marriage. I said I couldn't help them do that. 

Was this after you left to go somewhere else to worship?  Are you a member of a new church?  What were they wanting you to do or "comply" with?  Did they put that in writing?

At least it takes his focus off the marriage.

Where was his focus before?  I'm assuming this was unhelpful.  Can you explain a bit more. 



Empath,

It would seem that you have more troublesome leadership at church than I do, although I'm still evaluating whether or or not some of mine are "just interesting and quirky" or actually harmful.

I have decided that church leadership is, "for now", a sideshow and I'm not going to spend much energy on sorting that out. 

Basically, my wife seems to be focused on listening to my "leadership" in the home, instead of theirs.  The story is longer and more complicated, but much like you... .I see sorting it out to have high potential for drama, high potential to suck energy and low potential to return any result helpful for our marriage.

I've got a few questions above to help form an opinion of any potential next steps for you.

While he seem interested in this subject of an abuser, I'm wondering if there is an opportunity here to "nudge" your relationship in a better direction. 


FF

[empath]

What is this about?  What is he not complying with?

Our daughter told her SS teacher about a physically abusive incident with her dad. Since I was the director of education at the time, I reported it to the senior pastor, a mandated reporter; they didn't report it to cps. A few months after the discussion, their overseer sent out a child protection policy for the churches.

Was this after you left to go somewhere else to worship?  Are you a member of a new church?  What were they wanting you to do or "comply" with?  Did they put that in writing?

It was recently; I have been away from that church for a couple of years, worshiping elsewhere - as the pastor suggested I do.  They want me to let them 'talk with' my therapist or the friend who I'm relying on heavily for advice regarding our marriage (they claim it is obvious that I'm doing this). Ultimately, they want us to talk through our 'issues' with someone else; the senior pastor has been suggested as the third party. They also want to approve the outside counselor. I have this in an email, so yes, it is in writing.

-- My husband goes to them for advice about our marriage - often agreeing to things with me and then going to them and claiming that they tell him not to do whatever he had agreed to. He thinks they have "God's words" for our marriage, but their advice isn't 'fixing' our marriage.

-- My husband's progress toward becoming a pastor is contingent on us talking through our issues and completing a marriage evaluation.

-- When other pastors have been 'involved' in our marriage, it has destabilized our marriage, and h has become threatening towards me. H usually decides to leave the church in the aftermath.

-- Also, there is history of physical violence along with other forms of abuse, especially economic. This makes marriage counseling unethical - I have many friends who are mental health professionals who have said this, as well as my former counselors. The pastor of my church values mental health professionals and supports their recommendations.

My current goal is to keep my relationship with my h at least not adversarial.

Where was his focus before?  I'm assuming this was unhelpful.  Can you explain a bit more.

He was distressed and anxious about my detached contact and seeming lack of emotional connection with him - along with the financial pressures that have resulted from his quitting his job a year ago with no plan forward.

It would seem that you have more troublesome leadership at church than I do

Lol. Seems that way. Of course, I'm the disobedient and rebellious wife.