She finally submitted her FB data and WOW

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I received her FB data yesterday from my L which included 134 Messenger conversations. The longest one being with her bf (my replacement). I can happily say that although I wasn't happy or completely unaffected by reading some of the back and forth between the two. I have already verified 4 or 5 lies based on what she said in the messages to her bf and others and what she told me in text/email over the past two and a half years. And I've only scratched the surface. I guess that could come in handy if her credibility is ever in question during the divorce process?

Something else that is interesting is that I see my replacement being in the same situations with her as I was many times. I saw where he made the same mistakes (JADE) and confusion at times. I see where he responds to her FOG and it was like watching a horror movie and yelling at the screen saying, ":)on't go in there! You'll be sorry!" Then he goes in there. Like most or all of us did.

I'll try and post some examples. It really is amazing how many times she has contradicted herself.

[40days_in_desert]

I received her FB data yesterday from my L which included 134 Messenger conversations. The longest one being with her bf (my replacement). I can happily say that although I wasn't happy or completely unaffected by reading some of the back and forth between the two. I have already verified 4 or 5 lies based on what she said in the messages to her bf and others and what she told me in text/email over the past two and a half years. And I've only scratched the surface. I guess that could come in handy if her credibility is ever in question during the divorce process?

Something else that is interesting is that I see my replacement being in the same situations with her as I was many times. I saw where he made the same mistakes (JADE) and confusion at times. I see where he responds to her FOG and it was like watching a horror movie and yelling at the screen saying, ":)on't go in there! You'll be sorry!" Then he goes in there. Like most or all of us did.

I'll try and post some examples. It really is amazing how many times she has contradicted herself.

[Turkish]

Last week, I looked at my Gmail drafts folder.  No reason.  I found where I had collated several messages from my ex to her paramour at the time while she was living with us.  They were so weird and befitting a teenager,  not a 31 year old professional woman. They were four years old now.  I knew she proofed her spelling in Word. I'd go to the computer after she left the room and did a Cntl+v. Keyboard logger not necessary 

I know that you're still on the thick of it,  but trying to attribute logic or reason to her thinking is going down the rabbit hole. I know.  I was there.  Focus on the prize: as clean a dissolution as possible. 

[flourdust]

Whoa! If you received her private files through legal discovery, don’t post them here!

[40days_in_desert]

Yeah... .I thought about how I could be vague but you’re right flourdust, not worth the risk.

[Razzie1234]

I am pretty sure if I was able to acquire my ex's FB and social media files, it would be thousands of damaging messages and posts with multiple people/partners.  He refused to provide this discovery citing some legal jargon, basically saying it was an invasion of his privacy and too vague a request.  Luckily for me, his paramour is not so smart and has posted and continues to post plenty for me to snapshot from her Instagram and FB. Including pictures from our family vacation while we were still together and personal threats and attacks on me.  Like you, I see her falling into the same situations I did back in the day with one significant difference, she is weaker than me.  He will twist the facts and make her believe whatever "story" he feeds her despite the situations he will put her in.  She is the one who has to deal with him getting fired from his job and repossession of his new car (happening any day now) not me.  He is text book  NPD/BPD.  He lives in a world of secrecy and denial and is unable to self-reflect or understand there are consequences to his behaviors. This world is one she has no idea about but soon will. 

[40days_in_desert]

As flourdust mentioned, it wouldn’t be a good idea to post specifics but I will say it was like watching a rerun on TV while reading the almost 10,000 messages (estimate since I’ve only gone through about 1/3 so far). When my replacement responded to her passive aggressive accusations and even direct ones, I found myself saying out loud, “don’t say that!”. Almost like watching a horror movie when the clueless teenagers venture down to the basement where the ax murderer lies in wait. Then when he did “go there” with the same things that I use to say, I could predict what her response would be. Nearly word for word.

Yeah, you could say that there is some very incriminating stuff in there. Like I said, I’m pretty sure she didn’t think those conversations were part of the data download. Not with all that is on there. I’m just glad the pictures didn’t come through. You could tell by some of the messages what kind of pictures they are. My L has me going through everything and notating pertinent stuff to the case. I figured that it’ll save me about $1,000 with me perusing and making notes.

[livednlearned]

What do you hope the messages and data will do to help your case?

I may have missed the connection between the data and how they will be used. Is this for a divorce case?

[40days_in_desert]

There are clear examples of parent alienation and a lifestyle that is definitely not conducive to parenting our children. These are just two things. When I say clear, they are clear examples.

I’m not sure if she knew the conversations from the Messenger app were part of the data download or not but she clearly didn’t go through them and edit if she did know. She could have edited many things and I would have never known.

[livednlearned]

Ah, ok. I see.

One thing I did with my 10K email/text messages was to quantify things.

I'm not sure if this is stuff that will go to court for you, but if it does (and even if it's just to persuade her lawyer, who will then try to persuade her), it can be helpful to count stuff up.

For example, 25 percent (more than x number) of the messages between mom and paramour contain acts of alienation, 1/3 describe substance abuse, and half of those suggest excessive use of drugs and alcohol when the kids are in the home.

It sounds like you are working on doing something like that. It wasn't obvious to me how my documentation was going to get used, and my L didn't instinctively quantify things, but it definitely helped.

My ex sent over 100 text messages and an equal number combined email/IM/voice mail in a 12 hour period, all night long. Not sure if it was necessary, but we actually went back through a whole year's worth of documented communication and added up similar messages, just in case the judge missed the part where this was a pattern. One instance was severe, but added up together, it was part of a clear pattern and quantifying things seemed to get that across best, among other tactics.

[40days_in_desert]

Thank you livednlearned. I'll take all of the feedback that I can get. It's a lot to go through but I'm chipping away at it and I do see patterns. It might be enough when she finds out that she sent this info for her to be more cooperative.

The pattern appears to be that she is trying to push me out and make her boyfriend their father. I've accepted a long time ago that another man will likely be in our children's lives but not as a replacement for me.