How do I detach with love ?

[Daisy123]

My DD20 was recently diagnosed with BPD. I am just beginning to immerse myself in what it means to have BPD and what roles families play within this diagnosis. We have endured multiple hospitalizations, several suicide attempts, self injury and drug abuse on top of the day to day drama. Her illness has taken over and consumed every bit of me. I am exhausted and very intrigued by other members mentioning detachment with love. What is detachment with love and how does a parent detach?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome! I hope you find a lot of help on this board.

The person in my life with BPD was my wife. In a way, that was actually a lot easier than it being my child. Detaching with love means that you have to find a way to love your child, but accept that they have control over their own life -  that as much as it pains you, as much as you WANT the best for them, and will do anything for them - that they actually control their OWN life. You need to accept that you can only help them if they want help. That you can offer them advice, guidance, support, but it is THEIR choice whether to take it or not. And whether they do or not, you love them anyway.

Somehow, you need to release them as "your child" as start to see them as "your friend". Independent from you. Their problems are not yours. You can care - but you cannot be influenced by the outcome of whatever they do.

Your statement "her illness has consumed every bit of me" is believable, and common, but worrying. Remember when you travel by air, and they say "fix your own mask FIRST before helping your child" - so too you need to maintain your own health before you can help anothers. Physically and mentally.

Detachment is hard. I always wanted the best for my wife. I could see what she was doing to herself - I could see the path she was on, what the natural outcome was going to be from her actions. I could tell her - try to make her see - but if she didn't listen to me - and ended up where I know she would - I just had to accept that. It was not my fault (as much as she may blame me). It did not reflect badly on me - I did what I could, - but in the end she is in control of herself. The detaching WITH LOVE bit is that when it all comes falling down, I will still be there for her. Not telling her "i told you so", but being where she is to support her.

Watching her fail is hard. Supporting her each time she fails is hard. Knowing that she could make just a few small adjustments and she wouldn't fail, but she doesn't, is hard. But detachment is allowing HER to make those choices.

[Daisy123]

Hello A.B.,
Thank you for your response. I have reread it many times and will return to it. It is helping me to understand that my daughter’s life and her decisions are her responsibility. I can offer support and perhaps, guidance. The biggest takeaway is the permission to let go. Though she is only 20, there is not much I can do except not react, validate and accept this diagnosis.
Thank you again for your response.

[catshe]

Thanks for your thoughtful response AB. I too am having a hard time 'detaching with love' from my teenager and found your insight very helpful. It's hard though given she is still young and her brain is not fully developed, and hence I feel she needs my brain to help guide her. My brain is exhausted in this regard!

[jones54]

What AB said is spot on. I have been doing detachment (seriously)for the past 4 months with my 32 year old BPD daughter. I wish I had done it sooner. It is very hard at times to draw the line. Her mother (my ex) and I have wanted the best for our daughter for the past 15 years. She also is an addict (heroin). She has been to multiple rehabs through out the years but honestly nothing would ever change unless she wanted it to change. We have minimal contact with her now but we believe she went to a methadone clinic on her own to get control of her addiction. Not that I want her on methadone but she actually did this on her own. In years past we would always "rescue" her and put her in detox/rehab. Multiple relapses. Not sure if she has decided to change with this move, but it really is her choice. It has been years of chaos with her and I understand how it can consume you. I was told years ago when she was 17 and in rehab that when they hit 18, they are no longer your responsibility. She has been somewhat independent but she never "made it" on her own completely. We always seemed to help in some way. Doing what we are doing now is very painful. I have to look at the small gains. I thought she was going to be homeless but looks like she is moving in with someone (who unfortunately enables her). But that is not my problem.
I would recommend a therapist if you need guidance. Doing full loving detachment is extremely difficult, especially if you are a person that worries a lot (like me). Her mother and I just finally decided we had to get off this roller coaster. Still not easy at this point but we both knew we did not want to be in this same scenario 10 years from now. Wish we had done it sooner.

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy123

My world changed early 2015, hospitalisations etc. Until that time 29DD (quiet pwBPD) had been successful at school, uni, work, great solid friendships. My DD hit crisis and she was falling down the rabbit hole, only she could break her fall.

Detaching with love? I had to radically accept I may lose her, I could not change her, fix her, rescue her, prevent, control or solve this - only she could do that. What I could do was to live my life and work towards being the best role model I can in supporting her fight to live and be well. I love my daughter as I always have and have supported her taking responsibility for her recovery. It was excruciating waiting for DBT for a year, she knew this was her chance and when it came she embraced it.

So for me detaching with love meant ensuring the responsibility to be well was clearly in her court, that I was there for her every step of the way (tools and lessons to your right  |--->, I believed in her and was cheerleader when times got tough. She gave up work a year ago to concentrate on her health, I supported her choice and she used the timely wisely. She has a lifetime ahead managing her BPD, depression, anxiety, ED ... .and finding a lifestyle that works for her in 2018. I have learnt she works at her own pace, slow gentle steps win.

[Gorges]

Detaching with love is the most difficult, yet the most effective thing we can do.  I have used this board quite a bit and right now I am in a very healthy place.  It helps that my daughter is on a good trajectory.   That said, as I read these posts now with a clear head, I notice that a lot of parents are too enmeshed with their adult children.  Under age 18 and living with you, I can't imagine detaching (although it probably would have helped!), but certainly when they are adults we need to do this for their sakes.

I appreciate this post, as I am finding have I have a couple clients that I need to detach with love from.  So this advice can be helpful with multiple relationships.