Why can't he just be quiet and leave me alone?

[Smileypants]

Does he sense something in the air? I have almost completely detached from our relationship.  He is almost mirroring me and projecting his typical behaviors onto me.  Trying to make me bad and wrong.  Seems like he's trying to take my approach but acting like it's the way he normally acts.  He keeps saying "I don't want to fight" while taunting me to voice my opinion.  Then saying that he's just being a good parent but that I am going to go tell "them" that he is an ass.  If I raise my voice, I am yelling.  If I talk, I have an attitude.  If I have a face, I m making one.  The real him continues to pop through.

And he is always pushing sexual contact.  If I resist, I am cold.  If I let him touch me I feel gross and uncomfortable.  But if I don't act like it is okay then all hell would break lose.  He does not comprehend being kind and caring.  It is all about sex.  He can't tell me I look nice, it has to be sexy.   It has to be telling what he can see under it.  Everything has to be about sex.  If I have a bad headache he tells me I need "guy-lenol" and keeps suggesting that sexual contact would help.  It doesn't.  When I have a pounding migraine that is the last thing I want.  Why can't he just be quiet and leave me alone?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Smileypants, You state that you're "almost completely detached" from your r/s, yet you describe his focus on sexual contact as if it's an ongoing thing.  What's really going on?  Fill us in, when you can.  Have you had a recent b/u?  Or are you just contemplating a b/u?  Hard to tell from your post.

LuckyJim

[Smileypants]

I am working towards divorce.  Getting every thing in order.  He won't know till he is served ppo.  No actual sexual relations since the beginning of October and that was only because it felt required.  It has been an unwanted chore for along time.  I don't feel up to going into the details today, I am emotionally recked today.  I will write more another day.  Sorry for the short response.

[Gettingbetter310]

He can’t be quiet and leave you alone because he’s lacking empathy toward you. This is not because he’s a bad person, it’s due to the intensity of the void he is feeling. The void that comes from the constant feeling of abandonment. Anything you do that signals toward either a real or imagined sense of abandonment will result in him using any technique to navigate you back to him to fulfill his own need, with little to no regard to yours. I believe it’s also due to his underdevelopment- BPD’s display behaviors that resemble little children, but they are a lot more emotionally lethal than that because they have had years of trial and error to test out multiple manipulative techniques (needed for their own survival as their  form of filling the sense of abandonment) in order  to sway the nons into fulfilling their own needs. They are tricky- they look like adults but inside are highly manipulative underdeveloped children. So again, he’s very aware of what he is doing... .whether conscious or subconscious- and his words are putting you in an unwinnable situation as a double-bind and eventually it will cause a mix of anger, guilt, confusion and frustration in you. It’s meant to wear you down so you eventually give in to his need and fill his void. I think you should lay some boundaries, and not enable his behavior because you are indirectly enabling him and not helping him heal or even deal with his abandonment. If you just give in, you end up resenting him and yourself and are once again left in the unwinnable double bind of a situation. I think if you want a win-win situation you definitely should lay some firm boundaries, explain to him that you are not in the mood and you have a right to your own mood and desire. Also, emphasize that you will not response to any double binds and unwinnable situations as these are mind games and beware. He will definitely disregulate because he cannot deal with feeling left even if it’s imagined and only his sensations. You can tell him you need him to regard your feelings right now and you can even empathize with him and say I know it’s not easy and you’re really in the mood for something AND (don’t say but because that deletes the empathy) when I feel more up to it then we can do Ect. So final conclusion, he cannot leave you alone because you distract him from feeling alone himself.