Caught him out again

[Perdita]

I am really at a breaking point... .again. I have no one to talk to and feel very isolated.

Everything improved a great deal during 2017. Then, in December, it all started going downhill when this woman came back to town and started interfering again. I know he isn't blameless. This woman has been out to destroy our relationship for years though. She is a full out narcissist and hates me for knowing she leads a double life.

Today he decided not to see me. I didn't want to believe the worst. He even kept me posted about his whereabouts throughout the day. Well, turns out he was lying about that. Meanwhile, here I was thinking he finally gets it and wants me to feel secure! 

So yes, he spend much of the day with her. I was able to find out that he lied to me about going to the bank early this afternoon and instead went trampolining with her! They met up again late in the afternoon into early evening for 3 hours.

I don't know how to handle this. I am so hurt.

Last week she phoned him as we were heading out of town for a short getaway. She wanted him to go drinking with her (in the morning hours no less). After that his whole changed and I can't say our getaway was very enjoyable. Clearly he was upset that he couldn't go meet her at the bar. Once we got back in town I told him that it was upsetting to me that she called. Long story short, he unapologetically admitted that he would have liked to have met her at her drinking hole.

Christmas eve he went to see her. He told me he was going and that he wanted "to be honest"  with me. So I grudgingly said ok, go greet her. He swore that would be it. Yet I caught him out again 3 days later. Then once more today.

He has been a real drag during the holidays. Not wanting to partake in our usual activities which he loved last holidays.

Wtf is it with them? Why do they make all the normal relationship boundaries out to be bs and make us feel like we are crazy for believing in boundaries?

I honestly think this guy has no conscience. He is never sorry when I catch him out. He always tells me that I am being the problem and that there is nothing wrong with hanging out with her.

I am starting to plan for a life without him more and more, but feel so overwhelmed and utterly defeated.

[ArleighBurke]

In mid 2015 you wrote:
Personally I have decided to stay away from relationships.  I am in my 40s and feel I don't have the energy and time to risk losing it again.

and:
I have been reading up on this (BPD) recently and taking it all in for the first time.  I have been a major people pleaser.  To the point of being nothing but a doormat.  You probably also know by now that the more you give to try and please everyone the less they care about or respect you!  It's sad, but true.  Putting an end to this people pleasing thing is probably the single most important thing we can do once we've left the r/s. 

Then no posts until last month. What has happenned in the last 18 months? It sounds like you were learning about BPD, learning about you, putting you first, then you seem back to being "the doormat" (as you say).

What will you accept in your relationship? If he is seeing a psych, there is a chance he may change. But there is a much more likely chance he will stay the same. What will you accept? Perhaps you will learn to accept his behaviours, find a way to be OK with him seeing this other woman, focus on the good you have. Is that enough? Or will you decide that YOU will not live this way?

YOU get to decide what YOU will and won't accept. Unfortunately, HE gets to decide what HE will provide or not provide you. You cannot change him. No amount of your love, patience or threats will change him. Decide what YOU want - decide if he can give you that - and your path will be clear. (Not easy - but clear).

[Perdita]

In mid 2015 you wrote:
Personally I have decided to stay away from relationships.  I am in my 40s and feel I don't have the energy and time to risk losing it again.

and:
I have been reading up on this (BPD) recently and taking it all in for the first time.  I have been a major people pleaser.  To the point of being nothing but a doormat.  You probably also know by now that the more you give to try and please everyone the less they care about or respect you!  It's sad, but true.  Putting an end to this people pleasing thing is probably the single most important thing we can do once we've left the r/s. 

Then no posts until last month. What has happenned in the last 18 months? It sounds like you were learning about BPD, learning about you, putting you first, then you seem back to being "the doormat" (as you say).

I was completely out of the relationship for six months in 2015. No contact. 

The last 18 months? He ended it and once I got over the initial shock, I let him go. This must have scared him, because he started initiating contact via short emails. I ignored most of them and when I did reply I kept it to one or two sentences.  When I finally asked him what he was doing contacting me and making small talk, he said he had been hasty about the breakup. We didn't see each other for about 4 months.  That was a little over a year ago. He made a lot of progress during that time only for things to start turning to s*** in December when this woman returned. There was another incident in November which involved his ex from way back, but I don't have the energy to go into that now.

He did so much that I asked of him. Stood up to a real bully friend of his and made it clear that he and I are together.  He used to be so scared of that guy.
He finally after all these years put his relationship status on his facebook. He removed this woman from his Facebook.
He has been taking me along a lot more to visit family.
He took me away on short romantic trips.
Finally began introducing me as his gf.
Started talking about moving in together.

He suckered me again. That's the short answer.

[Perdita]

I just spoke to him, was awoken early this morning with him screaming at me over the phone for not taking his calls last night.

He accused me of being ridiculous for being upset that he had dinner with her last night. Note that his story went from how he saw her for only half an hour, to him yelling at me and asking me if he should have said no when she offered him dinner after he had "popped in" there. Wtf?

I asked him why he always makes me out to be wrong when it is him in the wrong. He kept saying it is because I am wrong and that he will see her again. According to him it is fine to hang out with her if he is not "f******" her. I told him it's an emotional affair and even more damaging than if he was randomly having sex with other women.

I feel so worthless and more and more suicidal.  I try so hard, but nothing is ever good enough.

[ArleighBurke]

You cannot explain how you feel and expect HIM to fix the situation. That is leaving all the control in HIS hands. This is what makes us feel trapped.

You need to take control of your life. Decide what you will and won't accept, tell him, and behave accordingly. This is a boundary - there to protect YOU. Yes it may result in you losing him. But this is about YOU respecting yourself enough to make the hard decision. Remember, you can only control yourself, not others.

So where is your line? Where is your boundary?
"Honey: you are free to choose who you associate with. For me, I will not accept a partner who I cannot trust. I do not trust the relationship you have with her. If you continue to have any contact with her, I will not be part of this relationship."

This WILL result in him debating with you - argueing about all kinds of details. Do NOT engage - you can simply state (again and again) selected sentences from your 1st statement. Don't explain yourself, don't justify.

But remember, this is a boundary to protect you. If you say it, it is NOT to force him to change, you MUST be willing to go through with it.

If you cannot do this, if you want to be with him even if he continues to see this woman, then you need to accept it. You can ask him as much as you want, but HE gets to choose whether to see her or not. You can either accept it, or not.

[formflier]

I"m trying to get caught up on your post and story.

Can you explain the mutually agreed on definition of your relationship?  The "rules"?

Can you explain the definitions and rules of the relationship that you believed or assumed to be true?

My purpose is to get you to focus on what has been clearly communicated and agreed on and what has not.

Once that is better understood, we can move forward.

FF

[Perdita]

Can you explain the definitions and rules of the relationship that you believed or assumed to be true?

My purpose is to get you to focus on what has been clearly communicated and agreed on and what has not.

What we agreed on regarding that woman is that he can go and quickly greet the thing at her family's home when she's in town and that's where it's suppose to end. No going out for meals together, no hanging out together. When he told me she was back in town and that he wanted to go say hello, he claimed that he told me because he wants to be "honest" with me. I asked what else? How many more times did he plan on seeing her. He swore up and down that "that's it". He would see her once and be done with. Fool that I am I decided to trust him and agreed that he could see her briefly even though I would prefer he has no contact at all.

This has been our agreement for almost the past year. He clearly did not keep his side. When I confronted him about it he lost it and shouted at me and in typical bp style he twisted everything around.

He says he will always be friends with her and her family. In other words, he now insists on hanging out with her when she's in town. He pretends to love her family as his own to justify this. It's a laugh, because for the first two years he was always telling me how he hates them and why!  He denies that he's in love with this disgusting person even though he has admitted it in the past. He tells me I am confused and making things up!

A huge part of the problem is that she enjoys causing problems because I bruised her narc ego way back when I finally stood up to her. Due to this her family also got in on it (btw, there's some very serious diagnosed mental illnesses in that family).

Everything had been going rather well with us for quite a while before this. Since all of this he has become very confused again about his entire life. He is more depressed, anxious and moody. This happens every time he has been around them. I've asked him why it is that he becomes so desperately unhappy with his life when he's been around them? He gets angry and denies it's true yet in the same breath he will tell me he hates life and wants to die.  He can be so happy and then it literally changes as soon as he has been with them.

I feel full, like I can't take anymore of this.  For the first time I find myself not only feeling unhappy, but actually thinking logically about my unhappiness. I know he expects sex during the weekend, but I feel sick at the thought of it as I am feeling so disrespected.

I don't know how to handle it. It feels like I am trying to have a relationship with a 10 year old that throws tantrums when he can't get his way all the time. He can't be reasoned with.

[formflier]

Are you able to believe him?... .he seems to have consistently told you what kind of relationship he is going to have with this woman.  I get it... from time to time he seems to have indicated he will limit it... .

The "preponderance" of the communication that I am hearing/seeing is that this woman is going to be there... .and (fill in the blank) is going to happen.

He will likely continue to twist things...

So... .I'm sorry to point this out, because it is likely that is not the answer that you would like to hear.

If you are interested in the best pathway to a potential monogamous relationship with this man, I can further explain that.  The quick version is for you to (in a healthy way) become unavailable and force a choice.  He may choose someone else.

You and only you hold the key to who you allow in relationship with you  Unfortunately some people want to take that power from you.

   

FF

[Perdita]

If you are interested in the best pathway to a potential monogamous relationship with this man, I can further explain that.  The quick version is for you to (in a healthy way) become unavailable and force a choice.  He may choose someone else.

Here's the thing. He has very low self-esteem and is very awkward around women. He has only kissed and had sex with one other besides myself.

He told me once that this woman led him to believe that she wanted a relationship with him years ago. On this believe he became housemates with her. She took him for thousands (he use to complain bitterly to me about this, but said he can't say anything to her out of fear that it will anger her!). Before I realised what she is and I was on speaking terms with her, she proudly told me that she does whatever it takes to get money out of men. Now keep in mind what I told you about him and women. He was a very easy target for her from the start. Unlike with other men she doesn't have to put much in with him to get money etc.  He isn't wealthy and does not have the athletic build she is obsessed with. He acts the clown around her and makes a total fool of himself in the process to get laughs out of her. It makes me sad that he does this.

So understand this: it is an emotional affair. Also, since he believes all men want her, it is also an ego boost for him which is why the financial loss is clearly worth it to him. She knows exactly what she is doing. She is highly manipulative. At this point it is no longer just about the money for her, but also the pain she enjoys causing me. She honestly is a nasty piece of work.

I have tried everything. At one point we did not have sex for 2 years because of how bad it all made me feel. So clearly lack of sex won't change anything for him. It's emotional.

She is currently abroad. I don't know for how long though. I would hope she marries the rich sucker she has fooled in recent weeks and is already sucking money out of.

I feel like I need to get very skinny and change my whole appearance to the stereo typical/generic sexy look to get him to value me as this in great part is clearly what he likes (he denies it) as it builds his ego.

Mostly I am just tired though. My income has dropped drastically since I became involved with him. Everything is constantly about him and one crisis he is having after the other. I would like to work on quietly getting my own life back. I don't want him to even know that I am beginning to plan a life without him. I feel it will be easier for me once I have created a life of my own again, because right now I feel trapped and have very limited options.

Thanks for listening.