Bumped into BPD ex after 13 months NC

[getfree]

Hi everyone

Not essential but if you are interested you can read my background story here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=308347.0


I bumped into my ex today (on the first day back at work no less!) in a shopping centre.

It's a day I've been dreading, especially as still believe she has moved to my hometown so that this might occur. As it happened I was far less affected by it then I thought I would be.

She was walking past me and I looked at her directly (not sure if that was the right thing to do). For her part she went bright red, looked very angry and marched past at some speed.

I am surprised at my response - although my heart skipped a beat a little it was very fleeting. Given that I was drawn in primarily be her looks I was very relieved to discover that I didn't find her attractive at all anymore.

I was more surprised by her reaction - before I would have guessed she'd have wanted to engage either to tell me how "awful" I am for instigating NC or to tell me how great her life is.

Just thought I'd provide and update and let anyone else know that if you keep up the NC and live your own life then running into your BPD ex isn't anything to be terrified of.

getfree

[mjssmom]

I'm glad to hear that. Indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. At least that's my point of view. I think you really realize you're not affected anymore when you're just indifferent and you don't experience a feeling one way or the other towards them. You might be a little nervous at first running into them, but ultimately you know you're over it and passed it when it's just a little glitch in your day.

[getfree]

Indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. At least that's my point of view.

Thanks for the reply mjssmom, and I agree with you. I surprised myself by how little it has got to me.

I must say though that I saw her again today in the vicinity near my office during my lunch break (which is always the same) - I am starting to think that she's putting herself around me to increase the chances that she is seen.

Sadly this feeds back into what I was worried about in my first threads on this issue (being stalked by proxy) but I feel that I am emotionally tough enough now not to let it get to me.

Hopefully it doesn't escalate!

[mjssmom]

Wasn't that a pleasant surprise to find out how little she actually matters now? I'm very happy for you. It's nice to see that someone else is no longer suffering with this. You keep doing the good work you're doing on yourself to keep yourself emotionally happy. Whatever you're doing you've done a great job to get to this point. Now I would prepare for recycle attempts just in case. 5 months into the break up with my BPD ex boyfriend and going about my life as usual, I thought he would never attempt to recycle me and then him and my replacement broke up. Well guess what? He's been trying ever since and now we've been broken up a year and he's still trying. Every now and then he has someone contact me to say hi or a letter comes and he recently even called my job. Thank God I'm immune to him! I don't have a feeling about him one way or the other so I have never broken no contact. As a matter of fact that's what brought me back to these boards after a long absence. Was asking if he was ever going to leave me alone. I have since found out that when they try to make contact become a stone. You don't answer or respond in any way. Even negative attention is good attention to them. So just come up with your plan especially if you think she is going to place herself in situations in which you can see her. Keep come in here so we can pull you through it. Good luck to you!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey get free, of course it's awkward but think you handled it well.  Agree w/mjssmom that the best strategy is to decline to engage, because any contact only feeds their need to avoid feelings of abandonment.  A pwBPD will go to great lengths to provoke a response, in my experience.  Yet if you stay disengaged and don't take the bait, it is usually the best course, in my view.

LuckyJim

[getfree]

Wasn't that a pleasant surprise to find out how little she actually matters now? I'm very happy for you. It's nice to see that someone else is no longer suffering with this. You keep doing the good work you're doing on yourself to keep yourself emotionally happy. Whatever you're doing you've done a great job to get to this point. Now I would prepare for recycle attempts just in case.

Thanks mjssmom - it was a pleasant surprise as I would never have believed I'd be as indifferent as I was. I "loved" this girl more than any other person I've known and all I feel now is a great sense of relief and some pity.

I have been doing as people on these forums and elsewhere have been suggesting which is working on myself, focusing on my career, getting healthy and meeting new people which seems to have worked nicely. Although I don't know I speculate that she is exactly the same person that I knew 13 months ago but I am very much different.

I'm not bracing myself for a recycle attempt - I think she has enough narcissistic traits in her to avoid behaving like that (although I suppose this could be the "angry Queen" sub-category?).

I still work with a number of people she is associated with so I suspect that she gets a near constant stream of information from them. I am very private in the workplace so they don't know anything that I wouldn't want in the public sphere in any event.

Interestingly one of the women I work with was asking me whether I was buying a house this year (long term goal) and whether I was dating which seemed like convenient timing.

As a matter of fact that's what brought me back to these boards after a long absence. Was asking if he was ever going to leave me alone. I have since found out that when they try to make contact become a stone. You don't answer or respond in any way. Even negative attention is good attention to them. So just come up with your plan especially if you think she is going to place herself in situations in which you can see her. Keep come in here so we can pull you through it. Good luck to you!

This is great advice. Alas I don't think I'll be "left alone" as such - I think she is seeing a therapist so can recognize that actively stalking me is wrong/unhealthy, but I don't think collecting information about me fits into that description. As I said back in my original post it is/was a little frustrating that she's happy to stick around in the city to be near me etc but wasn't willing to do it when I said that was what I wanted.

I know realize that the content of the decision isn't relevant, what is important to pwBPD I think is that *they* are in charge of whatever decision is made. It's infuriating but that is just how it works out. Now I'd like nothing more than for her to move far far away.

In terms of a plan I really don't think she will make direct face to face contact so I haven't given it much thought. I think I'll just treat her like someone I might have gone to school with and indifferent and boring.

Hey get free, of course it's awkward but think you handled it well.  Agree w/mjssmom that the best strategy is to decline to engage, because any contact only feeds their need to avoid feelings of abandonment.  A pwBPD will go to great lengths to provoke a response, in my experience.  Yet if you stay disengaged and don't take the bait, it is usually the best course, in my view.
LuckyJim

Hi LuckyJim - thanks for replying. I appreciated your wise words when I made my original post last year. This is the one aspect I am still worried about, I know I can't control her behavior but I do suspect she is going to just stay around me monitoring and "looking in" without necessarily making contact. As I said above I think she has some narcissistic traits (her sister told me that when she dumped men in the past it was a cold "cut off" or ghosting situation but the fact she didn't do that to me proves "love"  - although she did try to ghost me for a week).

I'll just have to get on with my own life and monitor what happens. I've heard stories that you never really "loose" a pwBPD they are either trying to interact with or they aren't but you are always in their field of vision at some point.

getfree

[getfree]

***UPDATE***

Now I would prepare for recycle attempts just in case. 5 months into the break up with my BPD ex boyfriend and going about my life as usual, I thought he would never attempt to recycle me and then him and my replacement broke up. Well guess what? He's been trying ever since and now we've been broken up a year and he's still trying.

Well you were right mjssmom - and contrary to what I was saying merely hours ago I "bumped" into her again in the coffee shop.

This is the nearest coffee shop to my office and I am a regular there. This is also nowhere near where she works (which is the other side of downtown).

I went in to make my order and felt I was being watched - I look to my left and see her with a female friend and she instantly starts looking into her phone.

I calmly order my coffee, pay and collect before walking over to her and her friend. I say "Hey X I hope you are well?" in a friendly but neutral way. She looked back and  said strangely "Hi, I am with my friend here so... .". I said hello to her friend and made my exit.

She looked entirely dumbfounded. I am still not sure whether I should have said anything at all, I know the standard advice is to remain entirely NC. I don't feel anything but some mild irritation that after a year she is finding herself oh so conveniently very close to where I work. I am not going to step out of my office and be scared of my own shadow and I refuse to behave like a child to keep some odd dynamic going with someone with such issues.

I have decided that I am going to "kill her with kindness" by being friendly with an air of breezy indifference. I won't go out of my way to speak to her but I am not going to ignore her or do anything with drama. Rather I'll treat her like I would an acquaintance from a long time in my past.

What does everyone think? I am hoping that behaving this way she will see that there is no drama (I am trying to avoid being on the drama triangle) and she will get bored and find somewhere else to be toxic.

Other points worth mentioning:

(1) She had had her hair down fresh, full make up and lipstick. I think this is due to her aging over the last year or so but she never wore that much make-up when we were together.

(2) Her mannerisms, way of speaking etc has not changed one but she seems more or less identical to how she was before she was odd.

(3) One of my biggest issues at the time of the break-up was a fear/hope she would change and turn out to be just normal. I can say with some certainty that this not the case and I think people like her "cope" rather than grow and develop.

Overall I feel very relieved that I stepped away from the drama over a year ago when I did as I *know* as a fact I'd still be going through the same nonsense that I was back then.

Has anyone else experienced something similar and if so, can they offer any thoughts?

-getfree

[mjssmom]

Well I was hoping that I was wrong and that you were right and that she would not make any attempts to be seen or contact you in any way. But I feel you did handle yourself very well and I'm pleased to see that you are for the most part pretty much indifferent to her and resolved to be dedicated to keeping yourself in a healthy State of Mind regarding her. I still would prefer no contact. Not approaching her to say hi or anything, just the indifference part. I don't think that shows fear. and I don't think you need to be afraid to go out about your life. I think you're in a mindset now where you don't need to be nervous in encountering her and it doesn't appear that you are. I think that alone would unnerve her.  But don't feel under any obligation to acknowledge or talk to her or even be friendly. Simply just ignoring her is fine on your part. But if you feel the need to acknowledge her, I like that it was with the airy indifference and that should tell her volumes hopefully that you aren't going to hand her a loaded gun twice. Good luck to you and keep up the excellent work!

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, getfree, I had a feeling that you would hear from her or run into her again.  I doubt she was in your favored coffee shop by accident.  I think you handled it well, with indifference.  I wouldn't rule out the possibility of a follow-up, so be prepared, as mjssmom suggests.  Focusing on yourself, in my view, is a wise strategy.

LJ

[Skip]

I calmly order my coffee, pay and collect before walking over to her and her friend. I say "Hey X I hope you are well?" in a friendly but neutral way. She looked back and  said strangely "Hi, I am with my friend here so... .". I said hello to her friend and made my exit.

I have decided that I am going to "kill her with kindness" by being friendly with an air of breezy indifference. I won't go out of my way to speak to her but I am not going to ignore her or do anything with drama. Rather I'll treat her like I would an acquaintance from a long time in my past.  

Exactly right. Be as normal as you can be. Soon enough it will feel natural.  I think this encounter has been helpful to you. A growing experience.

(1) She had had her hair down fresh, full make up and lipstick. I think this is due to her aging over the last year or so but she never wore that much make-up when we were together.

(2) Her mannerisms, way of speaking etc has not changed one but she seems more or less identical to how she was before she was odd.

(3) One of my biggest issues at the time of the break-up was a fear/hope she would change and turn out to be just normal. I can say with some certainty that this not the case and I think people like her "cope" rather than grow and develop.

I'd encourage you not to build your recovery on the thought that she is broken hopeless cause... .it's a fragile foundation in a lot of ways. We do that in the beginning as a defense mechanism. In some ways our exs have issues (varies in each case), and so do we. I think a better mindset is that you were not good enough for each other to go the distance... .close enough to try... .but not meant to be together.

Release with grace. It will reflect better on you as you move forward with your life.

[getfree]

You obviously have more insight into this then I do! So I am grateful for your input.

Yes I was hoping I was right (maybe wishful thinking?) - the timing is too coincidental straight after the New Year. She genuinely couldn't be placing herself any closer to my office than she is.

Although I don't want to give it more thought than it deserves I would still like to know: (a) what the motivation/purpose is? and (b) how long it will last?

Do you have any insights into this?

I still would prefer no contact. Not approaching her to say hi or anything, just the indifference part. I don't think that shows fear. and I don't think you need to be afraid to go out about your life.

I agree with this. I would prefer no contact at all but I think she is perversly feeding off the "drama" of our split now to keep a connection going. I won't go out of my way to say "hi" like we are old friends. I'd simply and confidently acknowledge her when I see like an old acquaintance that you don't feel anything for but are trying to be polite.

I will say that today she seemed totally unnerved by my politeness and indifference. I think she was hoping I'd high-tail it out of there and she would then have a story to share with her friend about how awful I am.

In short I'd like her to know that she's not going to get any negative or positive emotion from me just the neutral politeness I offer to everyone including complete strangers. Hopefully that will force her to move on to something else?

But if you feel the need to acknowledge her, I like that it was with the airy indifference and that should tell her volumes hopefully that you aren't going to hand her a loaded gun twice.

I think this is what I am trying to achieve and well said! I think she needs to see that I am not emotionally invested and so the effort of her trying to re-engage will ultimately be wasted. I have to assume that she's popping up near where I'll be because she wants to test the waters some how.

[getfree]

Hello again, getfree, I had a feeling that you would hear from her or run into her again.  I doubt she was in your favored coffee shop by accident.  I think you handled it well, with indifference.  I wouldn't rule out the possibility of a follow-up, so be prepared, as mjssmom suggests.  Focusing on yourself, in my view, is a wise strategy.
LJ

LuckyJim - thanks for the reply. Yes I think you and mjssmom had the same (correct) thoughts on this. I was probably engaging in some wishful thinking by that it was a complete one off but it is too common to be coincidence now. Like I say I sincerely hope that my current approach makes it clear to her that there is no drama to be gained from engaging in this behavior. I have moved on as far as I am concerned and would like her to do the same. The fact I can do it with a genuine hope that she does okay (from a distance) is a great growth point in my view.

Exactly right. Be as normal as you can be. Soon enough it will feel natural.  I think this encounter has been helpful to you. A growing experience.

Thanks for the reply Skip - it has been a growing experience and demonstrates to me that the hard "NC" approach isn't always the best. I think now that I am detached enough to be polite but indifferent I have been able to show to myself (and her) that I have grown past the experience.

I'd encourage you not to build your recovery on the thought that she is broken hopeless cause... .it's a fragile foundation in a lot of ways. We do that in the beginning as a defense mechanism. In some ways our exs have issues (varies in each case), and so do we. I think a better mindset is that you were not good enough for each other to go the distance... .close enough to try... .but not meant to be together.

Release with grace. It will reflect better on you as you move forward with your life.

I think my third point is probably phrased a little awkwardly. What I meant was that it was another learning/growing experience to see that she hadn't changed at all as one of the reasons that had me going back during previous recycles was a belief/hope that she would eventually get it and change.

Now I can say that after 13 months she is exactly the same as I recall just vindicates my decision to step out of the drama and not get into wishful thinking.

I can't say that this brings me any joy/peace in and of itself. After our last relationship breakdown and I'd been speaking with her sister I was really hoping that she would get the treatment she needed (she ended up getting assistance from a therapist so the family say) so that she could get beyond issues which have apparently blighted her whole life.

In the process of recovering I have had to tackle my own issues including lack of self-esteem, codependence and lack of confidence that I suspect most people who have relationships with pwBPD have in some way.

Release with grace. It will reflect better on you as you move forward with your life.

This is exactly the aim. I hope with time our relationship itself won't be defined by the "issues" but rather the face it wasn't right in and of itself.


I must confess that I am slightly concerned that it will continue or escalate and it'll undo some of the progress I have made. I would just sincerely like to leave her and the whole relationship in the past... .

getfree

[Skip]

I must confess that I am slightly concerned that it will continue or escalate and it'll undo some of the progress I have made. I would just sincerely like to leave her and the whole relationship in the past... .

It won't undo anything. Its just the next rung up the ladder which is always scary - and necessary.

One thing - on this new rung, try to go from posing as being indifferent to being what you are, smarter from the experience, confident in your new direction, comfortable in yourself, and still a student of what you can learn from this. In other words, show yourself who you are (not her). I'm not suggesting that you handle an encounter any different - you did great - I'm suggesting that you be most concerned about how it reflects on you (not her).

You will meet another women/partner. How well you process this experiences will significantly impact your next relationship and that persons view of you.

[getfree]

One thing - on this new rung, try to go from posing as being indifferent to being what you are, smarter from the experience, confident in your new direction, comfortable in yourself, and still a student of what you can learn from this. In other words, show yourself who you are (not her). I'm not suggesting that you handle an encounter any different - you did great - I'm suggesting that you be most concerned about how it reflects on you (not her).

I like this idea and I agree that the next stage is owning the development as my own rather than something that I can show to her as you've said. I suppose its just another degree of development.

At least I now have a method which I am comfortable with and I think will keep my life as drama free as possible.

Do you think that my method will be effective even if she escalates her behavior in some way? I am confident I can manage it but there might be better ways of handling the situation if she decides to ramp it up... .

-getfree

[crushedagain]

After reading this I am so happy that I don't stand the chance of running into my BPD exgf. I was mentally imagining myself in the same situation and would not be happy whatsoever, and I'd definitely not walk up and say hi after how she left me. I'd ignore her. I think it took a lot of courage for you to be cordial in that manner.

[getfree]

After reading this I am so happy that I don't stand the chance of running into my BPD exgf. I was mentally imagining myself in the same situation and would not be happy whatsoever, and I'd definitely not walk up and say hi after how she left me. I'd ignore her. I think it took a lot of courage for you to be cordial in that manner.

Hi crushedagain - I think I would have said exactly the same as you before it actually happened. Earlier in the thread the other posters were asking me how I would respond if/when I saw her again and I wasn't sure.

But she purposefully got a job in my city (having said she wanted to move away) and I've been anticipating her doing this for some time.

I have to try and make peace with the fact that I might be being low-key stalked by her and she might want to recycle me or at least get me back into her drama.

I am hopeful that with iron boundaries and some indifferent cordiality the relevant part of her brain/psyche will just be turned off and she will try and find her stimulation for this sort of dynamic elsewhere?

In addition I think by being cordial she can see that I am not as invested in the "process" as she clearly still is. I have grown and moved beyond the relationship and I do not feel the pain anymore. And sadly it is the most pain and despair I have felt as an adult bar close deaths in the family - it was just dreadful.

But as Skip has said this is my journey and my path and ultimately I am behaving like this for me not because it makes her life easier (on the contrary I think it does no such thing).

[getfree]

*UPDATE 2*

Well I saw her again.

This time at a shop near my office. I felt like I was being watched and look to my left and saw her (I think) looking at me in the reflection of a mirror in a store (she was trying on sunglasses).

Must admit this is starting to stress me out a little. I had happily stopped thinking about her until the recent "sightings" which are becoming regular after more than 13 months of nothing.

I don't know whether its just coincidence or is in fact something she is planning to do. I am a creature of habit so it wouldn't be difficult for her to do - but I don't know if I am projecting... .do I "want" her to doing this so I gain some perverse validation? I have loads of friends who work in this area of downtown I'll not see them at all during lunch breaks etc.

Anyway just thought I'd vent as it is starting to wind me up. Just at the point she starts to fade into the background she starts appearing at least once a week during my working day. I doesn't make me feel any other way than stressed out and negative - I just want to be left alone.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

[Elmurr]

If she is trying to bump into you I should imagine you'll know for sure soon either through more occurrences or through some other form of contact.

It must be very difficult to know what to do as I can imagine that that kind of proximity after one of these relationships could be very confusing.

You'll need to be 100% certain that you do want to be left alone, that you don't want the attention, and that you never want her in your life again. If there's any crack in this belief, and she wants to get you back, she'll very likely try all sorts to do so.

Based upon her angry face on your initial encounter, her trying to get you back will most likely be to cause you more pain; her angry face is most telling of her feelings towards you as it was her instinctual reaction without being prepared. She may well turn on the charm now. Be wary.

After 6 months of NC after my break up I saw my ex's mum in her car and we waved at each other. Two days later I got an irate email in block capitals from my ex saying Don't you DARE smile and wave at my mum! You two aren't friends, she hates, they ALL HATE YOU... . Fast forward a couple of months and she emails me asking to get together.

Whats the point being made in the last paragraph? These people are unstable! If they want to destroy you, then your destruction can consume them. They will hate you because they cheated on you because you made them do it! Us naive nons can't fathom how they can hold such heavily contrasting thoughts and opinions, and we tell ourself they don't really mean it. The fact is they do! They mean it all. Problem is, the thoughts and feelings that validate their meaning changes on a whim, literally. If they feel upset with you, then you are bad and to be hated, and vice versa, it's called emotional reasoning.

Tread with caution! 

[EdR]

I would say it is intentional. Perhaps not truly 'planned', but intentional nonetheless.

I saw this same behaviour in my two most painful dealings with a pwBPD. Not the blatant "I want you in my life" statements, but suddenly buzzing around me like a bee. Waiting for me to act.

My guess is it could be that they suddenly feel that you still have a place in their heart. And they are testing the waters. Their own and yours. How willing would you be to pursue and at the same time testing how profound their feelings for you really still are.

Eventually it always seems to lead to a new and final "cutting off all contact" in my case unfortunately... .

[valet]

Hey getfree, I'd caution against rationalizing this or trying to apply theoretical principles to your own behaviors or motives. I've come to learn that when I want something it is generally pretty obvious to me. And it sounds like you're just going about your day in each of these cases, to be completely honest, and not trying to manipulate the situation to gain some sort of well concealed ego boost.

Keep things simple and address the real parts of this. You're seeing her around more frequently. That's it. If you continue to stay centered and maintain a casual, neutral approach to these 'sightings', common wisdom says that she'll lose interest and leave you alone. Acknowledging that this will be a learning process for you (and that she's not going anywhere immediately) will probably help quite a bit.

Keep venting here if you need to. There have been plenty of good thoughts to go around in this thread so far!

[getfree]

If she is trying to bump into you I should imagine you'll know for sure soon either through more occurrences or through some other form of contact.

Hi Elmurr - thanks for the input. I am a bit of a creature of habit and tend to go to the same places and at the same times during the day and I kept this schedule when we were together. It's not a stretch to think that it could be planned in some way but I have tried to vary my timings slightly which will hopefully throw her off the scent.

You'll need to be 100% certain that you do want to be left alone, that you don't want the attention, and that you never want her in your life again. If there's any crack in this belief, and she wants to get you back, she'll very likely try all sorts to do so.

I absolutely want to be left alone. In my first post I was thinking that I was being stalked by proxy because she was contacting my work colleagues and I am sure getting information. When we were together she would "stalk" former lovers either via social media (fake accounts) or through mutual friends. She even started a friendship with the girlfriend of one of her exes so that she could get information.

Not sure I didn't see this for the giant red flag it is but I have to assume that the exact same thing is happening to me now - she can't let go of anyone she has been in a relationship with.

As I complained in some of my previous postings I still think she is in touch with colleagues. I have put boundaries in place so that they know not to discuss with it me directly but there have been indirect references which are conveniently timed with these "sightings".

Based upon her angry face on your initial encounter, her trying to get you back will most likely be to cause you more pain; her angry face is most telling of her feelings towards you as it was her instinctual reaction without being prepared. She may well turn on the charm now. Be wary.

Every time I've seen her and we have spoken (briefly) or caught each others eyes there is pure rage and anger in her face. I remember reading on another thread that someone's ex-pwBD's face contorted with rage which was what I saw. It was actually very unnerving but also mixed with what I thought was some despair/sadness. I have no doubt that I am here enemy, blacker than black, and it would give her great joy to cause me some harm.

I remember her boasting how she always "dumped men first" - I know now she meant to discard them as she tried to do to me. After her final discard (which lasted a week) I didn't interact with her again outside of telling her in person I was done, so I suspect what really is making her angry is that in her mind I discarded her - which isn't the way it is supposed to happen for her.

I'll be avoiding her as best as possible. Now that I know what she is capable of in terms of the emotional turmoil I have been through there is no way I'd even consider it.

getfree

[getfree]

I would say it is intentional. Perhaps not truly 'planned', but intentional nonetheless.

I saw this same behaviour in my two most painful dealings with a pwBPD. Not the blatant "I want you in my life" statements, but suddenly buzzing around me like a bee. Waiting for me to act.

My guess is it could be that they suddenly feel that you still have a place in their heart. And they are testing the waters. Their own and yours. How willing would you be to pursue and at the same time testing how profound their feelings for you really still are.

Eventually it always seems to lead to a new and final "cutting off all contact" in my case unfortunately... .

Hi EdR - thanks for taking the time. I think it is intentional to some extent as well - she is always doing other things which would be the "reason" for being around me. It gives her some plausible deniability because the other "stalking" option is less palatable.

I don't want any sort of recycle or re-engagement (even as friends) - I suppose I am just very annoyed she is still around me as I feel it is a massive boundary cross, especially as she apparently hates living in this city and wouldn't live here with me at all.

I guess it all boils down to control - I think she wants to be able to control everything and as a result I feel a little bit out of control when I see her.

[getfree]

Hey getfree, I'd caution against rationalizing this or trying to apply theoretical principles to your own behaviors or motives. I've come to learn that when I want something it is generally pretty obvious to me. And it sounds like you're just going about your day in each of these cases, to be completely honest, and not trying to manipulate the situation to gain some sort of well concealed ego boost.

Keep things simple and address the real parts of this. You're seeing her around more frequently. That's it. If you continue to stay centered and maintain a casual, neutral approach to these 'sightings', common wisdom says that she'll lose interest and leave you alone. Acknowledging that this will be a learning process for you (and that she's not going anywhere immediately) will probably help quite a bit.

Keep venting here if you need to. There have been plenty of good thoughts to go around in this thread so far!

Hey valet - thanks for replying and your recommendations.

I think this is way more about me and my responses to this than "her". I am just going about my life as I always have done and as I said earlier in the thread I am a creature of habit and keeps me grounded. I think having this impeded or disturbed as swayed me a little but I just need to keep focused on me and growing in the process.

Hopefully she will move away soon and it will just be like a bad dream. I am half expecting it to ramp up before it improves though but I hope that I am fully indifferent to it at that point so that it won't matter.