Parental Alienation Therapy

[justaboutdone]

I have a few questions after I was awarded custody 6 months ago.  Aside from significant bad judgments on my ex’s part, the other reason I was awarded custody was because of the parental alientation and the psychologists fear that I would lose my relationship with them if the ex was given custody.  Looking back at it now, the parental alientation my ex was doing was severe.  So fast forward to today, the kids have been with 2 different child therapist since we started the divorce 3 years ago.  But we are further than we were when we started.  Way too much information to share but they are extremely disrespectful, hitting me, kicking me, and don’t want to do anything that I ask.  When they lose priveleges, it further infuriates them and confirms their feelings that they hate me.  What should I do next to turn this around?  The child therapist is familiar with everything I just said and hasn’t seemed to be able to turn it around either.

Second minor question, I have custody and the ex keeps scheduling the kids for therapy or medical appointments.  I get no notice to this matter and it is definitely not discussed.  I am ok with the appointments that were scheduled and our parenting plan only says that I have custody and doesn’t specify anything about medical appointments.  Just wondering, legally, what a proper response to my ex is?  And by the way, she repeatedly insuates that I am not capable of caring for the kids.  To prove her point, she will exagerate the kids symptoms when she does take them to the doctor and the doctor will write a prescription or recommend testing based off her statements.  At a peak, my two very healthy kids were on 13 medications because of her exagerations. Since getting custody, we are down to half that. 

[ForeverDad]

A local lawyer would be best to answer legal questions.  While we've "been there, done that" we aren't lawyers and therefore our thoughts and suggestion may not be as authoritative as your local courts, laws and lawyers.

Find out whether you having custody limits your ex from having the authority to visit doctors, etc without your prior approval.  That was my situation when I first got custody ("Legal Guardian" and ex had to call me to get the okay to take son for a sore throat or fever to the doctor.  Her excuse was that she feared he had strep throat.  While there she described he had been having hallucinations and she got a referral to the local children's hospital.  That blew up into a huge fiasco and ended up being dealt with in court.  He went in for a sore throat and came out with a referral to a hospital.

Another time she said he had a 103 degree fever and I caught up with them at a local urgent care.  He barely had a temperature.  Her claim and their measurement a half hour later were right there in the logs.  Turned out she didn't even have a thermometer!  Was she trying to look the savior and better than me?  Was she just hypervigilant?  Shades of Munchausen (factitious disorder)?  The staff minimized it all by saying "better safe than sorry".  But it was a pattern.

Find out where you stand on doctor visits, etc.  Sure, your ex has the right to rush an injured child to the hospital or urgent care but these days doctor visits are generally scheduled and not considered urgent and so you ought to be the one overseeing such care.  Do the doctors and therapists know you have custody, you handle scheduling and that you are to be informed of any interactions with the kids?

As for the alienation, others will soon chime in with what has worked for them or where to refer you.  I know there are strategies that work over time on the children's outbursts and resistance.  I just can't think of anything specific right now.  I did find this reference on anger and frustration but it wasn't specific to alienation scenarios.  I found it interesting that it discouraged simply saying what not to do but instead modeling what they should do, setting appropriate rules and consequences.  Sort of, don't tell the kids they're bad, tell them the actions are bad?  Effort over time ought to see some results.

I do recall some members reporting that after exchanges the children may need time to transition into the normalcy of your parenting.  Are they always resisting or does it fade the longer the kids are with you?

[Panda39]

Hi justaboutdone,

What is it about the weird health stuff, my SO experienced that too with his uBPDxw.  The craziest one was taking the girls to the dermatologist for acne and coming home with a diagnosis of pre-diabetes    Then a few days later mom gave each daughter... .bags... .bags of candy for Easter?  Have I mentioned that everyone is Jewish?  Just nonsense.

Every cold was "strep throat" too.  My poor SO had to get his daughters tested every time someone had a sniffle.

I think alot of this stuff was to have contact with my SO post divorce.  He'd have to interact with her and "co-parent" when the children were "ill" or it was  about appearing to be "Super! mom".

I agree with Foreverdad check with your attorney for an interpretation of your decree and your rights and provide the kids pediatrician with a copy of the decree if need be.  

What does your physical custody look like?  How much do you have the kids?  How much does your ex have?  Just wondering how much time she has to create these types of situations.

Keep track of how much school your kids are missing due to this behavior, just in case you have to go back to court.  My SO was able to show high absenteeism when his daughters were with their mother.  Stomach ache on Monday... .poor baby you better stay home... .all week!  This was more about soothing the ex than having an ill daughter.  It is not in the "child's" best interest to miss a week of school for no reason.

In terms of the kids behavior when they are with you.  Some of this is probably due to transitioning between households, my other guess is that there are very few rules/boundaries at mom's house and there are at your house.  You might just need to discuss that each house has it's own rules and at your house the rules are... .and consequences are... .

Your kids need structure and consistency because they most likely aren't getting that at mom's house.  Keep being yourself and even though it can get uncomfortable be consistent.

Have you considered Therapy for your kids at all?  My SO's daughters found it helpful to have a neutral person to talk things out with.  Be sure the Therapist has had experience with BPD and is able to have strong boundaries regarding mom.  One of the girls first therapists was not able to do this... .uBPDmom basically crashed one of the daughters therapy sessions for example.  Switched Therapists to one that can handle mom and things have been much better ever since.

Below is a link to the "Lessons" section of the Co-Parenting Board (you might want to checkout the Co-Parenting Board when you have a chance) you might find the information helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0


Hang in there  
Panda39

[livednlearned]

Way too much information to share but they are extremely disrespectful, hitting me, kicking me, and don’t want to do anything that I ask.  When they lose priveleges, it further infuriates them and confirms their feelings that they hate me.  What should I do next to turn this around?  The child therapist is familiar with everything I just said and hasn’t seemed to be able to turn it around either.

One thing I wish I had done is family counseling with my then S9, and to have stuck with it for as many years as needed. PA was moderate in my situation -- I had the stronger parental bond, but S is the same gender as his dad (apparently can be a factor in PA vulnerability) and he seems to have inherited some of the sensitive genotype he shares with his dad. It's pretty amazing to sit with a skilled therapist with your kid and have them bring you closer, or at least help connect the dots.

Another thing I recommend is reading Craig Childress's work on PA. He has an article about ju jitsu parenting that has some sections on how to communicate more effectively with an alienated child. I think of PA as poison that is in their system, affecting their thinking (which they mistake for their own). Childress's suggestions work kind of like an antidote.

Parenting a child who has been subjected to alienation tactics is the hardest thing. Don't be passive and assume that a child therapist will make things all better. Especially if BPD mom is poisoning the kids against the T.

You may also have to think hard about boundaries in a new way. Parenting with Love and Logic is a good book to help walk through some scenarios with tips on how to handle things.

I am ok with the appointments that were scheduled and our parenting plan only says that I have custody and doesn’t specify anything about medical appointments.  Just wondering, legally, what a proper response to my ex is? 

Can you call each doctor and have them put it in their notes that you are the custodial parent? What you are describing in your ex sounds Munchausenish. 

Ju-­jitsu Parenting: Fighting Back from the Down Position
C.A. Childress, Psy.D. (2013)

[ForeverDad]

What does your physical custody look like?  How much do you have the kids?  How much does your ex have?  Just wondering how much time she has to create these types of situations.

Keep track of how much school your kids are missing due to this behavior, just in case you have to go back to court... .

Some of this is probably due to transitioning between households, my other guess is that there are very few rules/boundaries at mom's house and there are at your house.  You might just need to discuss that each house has it's own rules and at your house the rules are... .and consequences are... .

Your kids need structure and consistency because they most likely aren't getting that at mom's house.  Keep being yourself and even though it can get uncomfortable, be consistent.

I also came across Oppositional Defiant Disorder but I would doubt that is applicable here because it's more likely their behaviors are not their core issues but just amplified by the family dysfunction and the ex's unbalanced perceptions and behaviors.  Hopefully it's all about ingrained situational "fleas" fed by the ex, it's not them but their situation.  Yes, it's rough now but applying skill, consistent boundaries and strategy in an appropriate tough love way will eventually show positive results.

I would expect your ex to refuse to work with solutions.  Likely if you've mentioned counseling for the children she outright prohibited it.  However, you have custody and your decisions ought to be the ones that count to your court, the Real Authority.  You should have the support of the court.  As my lawyer told me long ago, "Courts love counseling!"

[justaboutdone]

Wow!  Thank you everyone for the tremendous amount of resources.  I have some reading to do now.  I have watched most of Dr Childress’s videos and he describes my ex as if he studied her and my relationship with the kids.  I’m just looking for more guidance now going forward to break the enmeshment.  I sent him an email to consult with me and the child therapist.  That was a week ago and hoping to hear back from him.  I’m wondering if anyone on this board has been able to consult with him?