To Break Up or Not? My girlfriend is in a mental hospital and I am hurting.

[janethedoe]

Hi All,

Thank you for welcoming me into this community. I recently read the book Walking on Eggshells, which is how I found out about this support group.

I am currently trying to determine whether I should stay in my relationship with my BPD girlfriend, or exit it. It's a long story so I will do my best to summarize the facts here, then I'll give just a brief paragraph on where I'm at emotionally.

The Facts

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. During our first year together, she broke up with me about 6 times but we always got back together, usually within 24-48 hours. There was a lot of unpredictable behavior on her part, strong reactions to things that didn't seem to me to warrant such extreme feelings, etc. I felt very confused and reactive for the first 6 months until I began to research and suspect she might have BPD (she was undiagnosed at this point).

Beginning to understand BPD made it slightly easier for me to navigate the relationship, but I still had a hard time depersonalizing all of my girlfriend's episodes. Eventually, my girlfriend was hospitalized for the first time, for a few days for suicidal ideation (her therapist made the call). After a year together, I felt utterly lost and confused and we broke up for nearly two months. During our breakup, I went on a rampage and hooked up with other people, searching every person and every corner for answers, while my girlfriend took the time to reflect on her behaviors and actually started doing healthy things for herself--she spent time with friends, started working out, and didn't as much jump into bed with other people.

In seeing how she was trying to heal, I felt hopeful enough to resume the relationship. We had two glorious and stable months together where my girlfriend worked very hard to communicate with me with vulnerability. She didn't punish me during this time. She was basically the person I always wanted her to be. And I started to feel safe in a way that I never had with her before.

Then the s&*t hit the fan. My girlfriend decided to come out to her distant father (who had abandoned her earlier in life), and he disowned her for being gay. Weeks later, a fire in an adjacent building forced my girlfriend to move into a different apartment and she started spiraling out. I tried to be a support to her by giving up my bedroom and allowing her and her mom to stay at my apartment for a week. I helped her move. And all the while, she was lashing out at me, being pretty emotionally abusive, while I was trying to ease her pain and be supportive. I tried to remain calm and understanding, knowing she was going through some very tough circumstances (she was also going back and forth between being sweet and grateful toward me). It was difficult.

Fast forward to the beginning of December - my girlfriend and I got into an argument through text and she reached her limit. She withdrew from me and checked herself into the hospital again without telling me. I was left to worry. I called all the local psychiatric hospitals in an attempt to confirm she was checked in somewhere safely but many of them could not confirm or deny. I eventually had to call the cops to get my answer so that I could sleep that night.

During my girlfriend's 12-day stay at the hospital, she was finally diagnosed with BPD. I was by her side. I commuted an hour and a half in both directions to visit her every other day. I called her twice a day. I brought her clothing and kept her mother and friends updated as they texted me with questions. She was discharged just before Christmas and I showed up to take her home despite being very sick that day with a bad cold.

My girlfriend and I then traveled to my parents' house on Long Island for Christmas (we both live in NYC). We both thought this would be a nurturing place for my girlfriend to recover for a few days and begin assimilating back into "reality." But things took a turn for the worse when my father opened his gift from Yasmin and reacted somewhat poorly to it (it was a piece of technology he wasn't ready for and he was honest about it). In response, Yasmin withdrew and shut down. She went into the bathroom and cried, feeling hopeless. I met her there and tried to comfort and reassure her. But she withdrew from my entire family for the rest of Christmas, and the next day. We all felt sad for her initially, and discouraged that we couldn't "bring her back." But when she wouldn't "snap out of it" after many hours, my mother began to feel resentful and "punished" by my girlfriend's behavior.

I get it. It was too much too soon. My girlfriend had just been released from the hospital, was on new meds, and she was exceptionally fragile to any form of rejection. I also understand my family feeling discouraged and taking her behavior to heart. The night my girlfriend and I returned back to the city from my parents' house, my girlfriend walked out on me, deeming me "not sympathetic enough to her pain." And I was exhausted at this point. I didn't chase her (in retrospect, maybe I should have since she was just out of the hospital?). But I wasn't feeling well myself.

My girlfriend texted me after she left that she was going to commit suicide so I called the cops and she got taken back to the hospital. This time (her third hospital stay), she's been in the hospital for another week so far, she's lost her job, her mother has flown in from Texas to be with her, and I've been acting very inconsistently, not knowing where I should be right now. My girlfriend still expects my unyielding support during this time, "in sickness and in health"--this is her current idea of love and partnership. But it's difficult for me to keep showing up when I'm feeling very depleted and I'm really seeing how consuming this relationship has been, and how much of a toll it's taken on me.

My Feelings (in a paragraph):

I'm feeling confused. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling traumatized by my girlfriend's suicide threat, and also resentful that she used this threat as a manipulative attempt to get me to chase her. I feel worried that she may have actually hurt herself that night. I'm feeling unstable. I'm feeling sorry for my girlfriend and for the behaviors she may not actually be able to control. I'm feeling sympathetic toward the 'little girl' I see inside of her, who is very hurt and has not evolved past a point of early childhood trauma. I'm feeling afraid that if I stay, when my girlfriend gets out of the hospital she will have unrealistic expectations of me that I cannot fulfill. I'm feeling afraid that if I leave, I will lose a love that has meant more to me than any other love I've had. I feel afraid that my girlfriend will see me as a bad person for leaving when she's at her lowest, especially because she's in treatment now and very willing to do the work to get better. I'm feeling aware that I need to take care of myself, and that I have healing of my own to do after the dramas of the past couple of months, and after the roller coaster our relationship has been. I'm feeling upset that my girlfriend is viewing me as unreliable and "all bad" for not showing up for her in a way that matches her idea of an ideal partner. I'm feeling angry at myself for allowing it to get to this point. I'm feeling cognizant of my tendency to want to "save" and "rescue" women in romantic relationships. And of course, I still feel in love with the pureness I have felt with my girlfriend in many moments throughout all of this, because she does have a true innocence and purity about her. When she's not raging, she's witty, intelligent, hysterical, beautiful, generous, sexy, and extremely affirming and validating of me, and the things I have done for her.

Do I stay or do I go? I am interested to hear about others' experiences! Do you think staying with a BPD through their recovery is helpful to them? Or will it be better for her, and me, if I remove myself from her healing process, since I am clearly a trigger for her feelings of abandonment, and our relationship is very charged. Thank you in advance.

[SunandMoon]

Hi Jane and welcome to the boards! I'm sorry that you have been going through such an intense and heart breaking time.

You know, of course, that only you can make the decision to stay or leave. If you love her enough and have the strength to go through what will probably be a long journey to recovery. And to understand what BPD recovery really looks like.

There is plenty of evidence to show that people in treatment do better when they have the support of a loved one, so don't worry about maybe being the one that triggers her. People with BPD (pwBPD) are always triggered by those closest to them... .it's the nature of the illness.

Now that she is officially diagnosed, I'm assuming she has a therapist and possibly has started DBT?

If you do decide to stay, it would be very helpful for you to have a therapist to support you on this journey, preferably someone familiar with BPD. Perhaps you could talk to her therapist and ask for a referral to someone who works with partners of pwBPD.

In the meantime, it will help you to read on these boards - both the posts by people here and their experiences, and the lessons listed in the right hand column.

Good luck... .everyone here understands 

[janethedoe]

SunandMoon,

Thank you so much for welcoming me, and for your heartfelt reply.

This has truly been the most difficult and heartbreaking situation of my life. My girlfriend and I just got off the phone (she called me from the hospital) and we ended things for good. She sees me as abandoning her during her lowest. She attacked my character, saying over and over again, "How could you do this to me." She said she doesn't know how I will be able to live with myself.

Without question, I love her enough to stay, if it were that simple. But I love her so much that constantly being her target--being, in her eyes, the "source" of her pain--is an unbearable feeling when I've wanted so badly (and tried so hard) to make her happy. I wanted so badly to be her reason to live, and I couldn't take it when I was manipulated and set up to feel like her reason for wanting to die.

I tried to calmly expressing to my girlfriend over the phone (with moments of being in tears) that it doesn't matter anymore who is right or who is wrong. I know how much we both love each other and our relationship is not good nor bad, it's just too charged. There is too much pain here and we both need to heal. I told her I believe in her and that I'm proud of her for getting treatment but that I feel I am a trigger and in the way of her healing. I told her I'm sorry for all the ways I've ever hurt her--my heart has only wanted to be on her side. I told her I recognize I have a lot of things to work on too.

She has started CBT and DBT therapy in the hospital and the goal is for her to move onto outpatient therapy next. I also see a therapist weekly myself, and have been since the beginning of this relationship.

I'm not surprised there is evidence to show that people in treatment do better when they have the support of a loved one--who wouldn't do better with love and support? But somehow, even with the best intentions, when I am "walking on eggshells" and doing the dance as carefully as I can, I end up hurting my girlfriend or being made out to be the bad guy. I feel that every time I express a need, if it conflicts with one of her needs, she becomes critical and rejecting. And this has felt very damaging to my own mental health and wellbeing.

Should I forgive it all? Because she suffers from this illness? Should I assign her no responsibility at all in the choices she has made? I don't suffer with a mental illness myself but any choices I made throughout the relationship that hurt my girlfriend felt unconscious to me at the time, and yet I still hold myself accountable (and she expected me to). My entire reality and perception feels so shaky right now.

At what point should a person with BPD stop blaming the illness and start taking accountability for some of their choices? Where is the line in the sand?

I will certainly get to reading these boards. Feeling like I need all the support I can get at this time.

Thank you again  .

Marissa

[SunandMoon]

Hi Marissa

I'm glad that your girlfriend has started DBT therapy and that you also have a therapist to help you get through this in real life. I can hear your anguish with everything that is happening and I'm sure many people here can relate.

Despite what was said, your relationship probably isn't over. But obviously her feelings have been building up to an intolerable point and now she is just completely overwhelmed.

Now is not the time to have deep discussions on who did what, or who is responsible for what in your relationship. She is diagnosed as suffering from BPD... .on some level she knows it is mostly her but the pain and the shame are too great for her to handle, so she has to find someone or something else to blame. She pushes that off onto you, as her way of self protecting.

Should I forgive it all? Because she suffers from this illness? Should I assign her no responsibility at all in the choices she has made? I don't suffer with a mental illness myself but any choices I made throughout the relationship that hurt my girlfriend felt unconscious to me at the time, and yet I still hold myself accountable (and she expected me to). My entire reality and perception feels so shaky right now.

At what point should a person with BPD stop blaming the illness and start taking accountability for some of their choices? Where is the line in the sand?

Of course she has responsibility. As the "sane" ones, our job is to hold strong to the truth and be honest with ourselves for our part. Hopefully, with time and as she works through the skills of DBT, she will find new ways of coping and be able to accept responsibility too.

For now, it is a very highly charged time for both of you, so It's important to not be reactive. Try to keep calm, keep communication on a light level - being caring and supportive, avoiding deep discussions. If she tries to push it, let her know you are not going anywhere and there will be time to talk later. For now, focus on being calm and stable... .it will help her 'come back '.

I hope you will also discuss this with your therapist and she can help you understand that this is not your fault. You didn't do this and you alone can't fix this 

When you have time, start reading through the articles and tools in the column on the right of this page. The tools (starting with 'wise mind ', 'ending conflict ', etc) are perfectly matched with the skills your girlfriend will be learning and they do work. A LOT!

Remember to be kind to yourself while all this is going on. Work out, go for a walk along the beach, watch a good movie, meet friends for drinks - whatever it takes to get your mind of it all for a while and remind yourself that life is still good.

 

[an0ught]

Hi janethedoe,

dealing with suicides or suicide threats can be traumatizing     and it is good that you have professional support here  .

I'm not surprised there is evidence to show that people in treatment do better when they have the support of a loved one--who wouldn't do better with love and support? But somehow, even with the best intentions, when I am "walking on eggshells" and doing the dance as carefully as I can, I end up hurting my girlfriend or being made out to be the bad guy. I feel that every time I express a need, if it conflicts with one of her needs, she becomes critical and rejecting. And this has felt very damaging to my own mental health and wellbeing.

You can not avoid hurting her. Giving into all her wants ensures that she does not get her needs filled - yeah it can be very confusing if the other person is not focused on managing their own well being. Neglecting yours is not the answer only when we are grounded we may be able to help. At times one has to accept that the pwBPD is getting angry and rejecting and often it helps to remind ourselves that these emotions can be fleeting and are not our problem to deal with (yeah, I know, there is a lot of drive on the other side to make it our problem  . At times the best we can do is letting our partner steam, being angry, rejecting and once in a while validate what we see - "you are very angry and do not want to talk with me" - and leave it at that.

Many of us here are starting out here have a stronger than usual need for approval for whatever reasons. This can make it harder to get started on the boundary side.

,
a0

[janethedoe]

SunandMoon and an0ught,

Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply. I am taking your words in. It's wonderfully comforting to know there are other people out there who understand what this feels like.

Last night, I watched the "Treatment of BPD" video on this site and am continuing to consume as much information as I can. Will certainly be getting to the tools in the right-hand column next.

It is sobering to recognize that whether I give into all my girlfriend's wants or not, she will not be fulfilled. And yet, I'm not sure I have a grounded enough sense of my own self/reality to depersonalize all of her insults and rages. I still feel taken by them each time, perhaps because I do rely too much on her approval/adoration of me. Or perhaps because I still have a lot of growing to do myself as a person.

I'm still confused about where I should be right now, guys! My therapist cannot say it, but I feel her encouraging me to leave the relationship based on the things I have told her. I definitely need more of my own time to cope, heal, and learn, even if I do decide to stay. Regardless, I doubt my girlfriend will ever forgive me for not showing up more the past week she was hospitalized, and for being so back and forth, which has surely damaged her.

I am very curious to know more about each of you, or anyone else that may care to respond. Is the BPD in your life a romantic partner? Or a family member? What are your thoughts on -- should the "rules" and ways you handle your BPD be different if you are their lover? Do you think as a BPD's lover, you can actually interfere with their healing if you are still figuring it all out yourself and/or if you are on the fence about keeping the relationship?

Also, is there any kind of special incentive or payoff in the end to staying with a person who suffers with this illness? Is her love for me even real? Or has it developed only out of need and desperation?

When you say focus on being calm and stable... .it will help her 'come back,' does that mean be calm and stable in this space while we are now broken up and not speaking and just give it time? Or does it mean I should tell her I don't want to end the relationship and show up for her in what ways I can right now, while I am still feeling very confused?

Thanks in advance,

Marissa

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Jane-
I'm so sorry that you're facing this difficult and painful situation with your girlfriend.  My boyfriend of 4.5 years has strong BPD traits and it has not been an easy road to navigate.  He is undiagnosed to the best of my knowledge, although he recently said something that leads me to believe he has in fact been diagnosed.

At any rate, dear Jane, sometimes it's best to "be still"... .do nothing, make no decisions about your relationship.  Try not to be pushed or pulled.  Your hurt is so deep and raw.  It may simply be time for you to engage in self-care and regain some strength... .heal a bit.  And then re-evaluate whether the relationship with your GF is good for you and/or makes emotional or logical sense.

You talked about your family's home being a good place to take your GF for healing.  Why not take yourself there?  Wrap yourself in the love of your family and remember how it feels to spend time in a "no, or limited conflict" zone.  Sometimes we need to physically place ourselves somewhere else, turn off our phones, and just BREATHE... .now may be your time.

And above all else, please know, you are NOT the cause of or the reason for your GF's BPD.  She had this illness way BEFORE  you ever met.  You are also NOT her sole trigger. 

You asked a some questions... .

I have my own reasons for being in my relationship with my lover.  He is not nearly as severe as your GF, and his behaviors have mellowed quite a bit in the last 7 months.  (Over the last 4.5 years we have broken up numerous times.). And He understands the "terms" of our togetherness.  Yes, he does still have his rages, but they are no longer directed at me.  That's not allowed.  It is possible that our age has something to do with it... .I am 60 now, and he will be 60 in a few months.  We are both very active and "youthful", we belly-laugh together and have an active sex life.  But I have never been as hurt by anyone over such an extended period of time as I have by him.  I do however, believe he's "grown" out of that now.  And he is also now the most giving, caring and helpful man I have ever known.  I never, and I do mean NEVER have to ask him to do anything around my home.  He just does it.  He doesn't want to lose me. 

But I could be wrong.  You see, that's the thing... .something could flip in him and he could rage AT me tomorrow morning in a way that would break my spirit and my heart.  I can never fully trust that he won't empty my soul.

If you want to talk, feel free to PM me.

Wishing you some much deserved peace of mind and the kind of love that makes you feel good.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[janethedoe]

Gemsforeyes,

Your words gave me the best hug just now .

I appreciate hearing from another who is navigating a romance with someone who very possibly has BPD, and I really needed this permission to be still and do nothing. When my girlfriend went into the hospital for the second time this month, her mother flew here from Texas to be with her for 2 weeks and my initial instinct when her mother arrived was to take two weeks of space with no contact.

I wanted to take this time to get some clarity before making any final decision and yet my girlfriend was very put off by the fact that my instinct was not to show up without questions. So of course, I started feeling guilty after my girlfriend didn't take to it well, and I broke my own boundary... .called her, visited the hospital a few times. I regret not just sticking to it.

Now at this point, after going back and forth a bunch of times, I feel the only way I can start to actually gain clarity is if we are broken up and there are no expectations. This I say because she wasn't ready to permit me to take the time in indecision. Or if she was, she would only do it begrudgingly.

My hurt is deep and raw . Thank you for validating that. I do need to regain some strength and heal. I'm also busier than I've been in my life, as I am publishing my first book in February. I have been working for years on this and it's kind of an important time for me--my big break. It's important to me that I don't blow it. I need to try very hard to be less distracted.

It's funny you brought up visiting my family - I actually was just thinking earlier today I should do that! There is something very healing/comforting and grounding about being with my parents in the home I grew up in, so thanks for the reminder .

I am very happy to hear your partner has seemed to mellow out a bit recently. As I saw in my girlfriend, she was capable of this for months at a time but a stressful event could send her spiraling again. I hope in your case he stays this way. I love how you say he understands the "terms" of your togetherness, and that raging against you is not allowed. That says to me you respect yourself, and that you've set some strong, healthy boundaries, which I am very inspired by and happy to hear . Also, it seems quite rare to find a man who will do things around the house without being asked!

I'm also glad to hear you laugh together and that the sex is good! Isn't that the darnest thing with borderlines? The funniest people and the greatest sex!

On the other hand, I'm so sorry about the pain you've had to endure as well . "I can never fully trust that he won't empty my soul." -Wow... .that speaks to my heart very much. Poetic and well said.

May I ask--do you have any "go to's" as far as things you say when he starts raging to remind him you're not going to take the abuse and to stop him from raging at you? Or has it been more about conversations you've had when he's been in a calmer state of mind?

I may just PM you next time!

Sending you lots of love and light and thank you for making me feel better tonight.

Marissa

[SunandMoon]

Hi Marissa

I'm glad you're getting other perspectives to help you through this terrible time. I can echo much of what was said in Gemsforeyes beautiful post.

When you say focus on being calm and stable... .it will help her 'come back,' does that mean be calm and stable in this space while we are now broken up and not speaking and just give it time?

Yes, if that's what it takes. Your GF's emotions are out of control and the best thing to do is not react into the drama. If it's possible to reassure her by text that you care, do that; but if it's necessary to drop contract for now, do what you need to do. The important thing is not to fuel the fire and to take care of yourself. That's not selfish, it's essential.

You asked about our relationships... .I have been with my BPD husband for 12 years and I have no doubt he loves me. He is a beautiful man - caring, sensitive, very intelligent, funny and wise; also sometimes a monster.

Being with him has been a long and steep  learning curve - about myself, about him and about the ways to make it work, so many of which don't come naturally.

I no longer walk on eggshells but I am much more self aware and use my words wisely. There's a lot to be said for detaching and living your own life (and how it strangely brings you closer!) In the early years, it was really hard and I was often tempted to leave. These days, I don't think he even thinks about suicide as an option.

I'm currently celebrating 3 months with only one minor outburst, which was over as quickly as it started. I'm fairly confident it'll be 4 months soon but as Gems said so eloquently, "But I could be wrong.  You see, that's the thing... .something could flip in him and he could rage AT me tomorrow morning in a way that would break my spirit and my heart.  I can never fully trust that he won't empty my soul."

For me, it's been worth it but only you know how you feel and if you think it's worth the risk. In the meantime, you need to allow yourself to heal. Once you're feeling stronger, you can make decisions. For now, take care of you. x

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Marissa- this is not meant to hijack your post, but rather to give some insight into my thinking about my relationship.  If nothing else, just jump to the last paragraph! ❤


The confusion over whether to stay or leave these tumultuous relationships can swallow you, that much I do know.  For the first 3 years, I seemed to have lost my voice... .When I met my lover, I was 9 months post-divorce from a 19-year marriage.  I was living in a new state, having fled my home, my community, my friends... .  I separated from my husband the night he threw me against the wall.  That was the first and last time he ever laid a hand on me.   I had been apart from my ex-husband for 2.5 years, so it was a decent amount of time to wait before venturing back out there.    The trauma from the end of my marriage was, I thought, behind me.  But that wasn't really the case.  I had no clue what awaited me.

My BPD lover appeared to me as the prince of princes.  And then BOOM!   The hateful RAGE.  Somehow, he moved into my home while I was asleep.  And then when he threatened to leave "tomorrow", I called his bluff and said "why wait?"

Marissa... .I have been called every name in the book.   My truth is that my BPD BF is not my true love.  I know that.  At least not yet.  He no longer lives with me.  He knows he can count on me.  I know in certain ways I can count on him... .but I cannot trust him with my heart.  I realize that doesn't make much sense.

I will say, that if I were surrounded by my friends in my home state, I don't know if I would be with him.  I also would likely NOT be with him if I were younger.  I am not good with this type of conflict.  Never have been.  My nickname used to be "the happy idiot", because literally nothing would ruffle my feathers.  And I have been through some trials in my life (like most of us here)... .but I would never allow this kind of negative energy to weigh me down.  And it is a very heavy weight.

The turning point for us seems to have been after I realized that he has BPD.  When I started using tools in my communication.  The most insightful and difficult conversations we've had have been over the telephone.  I asked him several months ago (when he was trying to reunite with me) if he rages at everyone like this, or is it just at me... .he said he has done it to everyone.  I said, "oh I'm so sorry... that must hurt you so much".  He said he didn't want to do it anymore.  I said, that's a good choice to make, and suggested we really try to solve it together.  When he starts to escalate, I'll now either point out that he's beginning to escalate and tell him to go to the back room and watch a movie for a bit; or I'll quietly say, "no, no, no", you're not allowed to do this".

If he goes back to the monstrous rages he had before, I will release him.  Life is simply too short.  Something YOU have to understand is this... .without you, Marissa, there is NO laughter in the relationship.  And without YOU, Marissa, there is NO sexy.

 Soo... .head held high, proudly publish your book!  The things that you've worked so hard for should NOT be derailed by her behavior.  I am more than a casual observer of these behaviors.  And although I am only speaking of one BPD person (but possibly my emotionally abusive ex-husband, as well), many of these behaviors do appear "selective" and timed for our "enjoyment".  My BPD BF has held a very responsible professional position for over 12 years.  Had he exhibited ANY of these traits on the job, he would have been released in a heartbeat.  Love to you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[janethedoe]

SunandMoon and Gemsforeyes,

For strangers, you've made a huge difference in my situation. I am again grateful for your graciousness and impressed by your eloquence with words. And that goes for both of you  .

So far, I am feeling resolved in my decision to separate from my girlfriend and haven't spoken to her since our "breakup" conversation over the phone the other night. It's been difficult. I'm having weak moments, as is to be expected, but I accept that I cannot give her stability, as broken as I feel. And she won't forgive me for anything short of showing up 100%. Nor would she willingly allow me to keep her "on hold" while I take time for myself and mull over the decision of whether to stay or go. It's all or nothing in her eyes. Everything is.

My presence has only fueled the fire, at least it's felt that way. Certainly everyone does better with love and support but in this case, I think our kind of romantic love is just too charged and triggering. Our history has been too painful.

I appreciate you both so much for sharing your personal stories, every word of which I have absorbed and reflected upon. Certainly much of what it takes to be with a BPD (without losing your mind) does not come naturally! I commend you both for your efforts and patience.

SunandMoon - I am so glad to hear it is not likely your husband even contemplates suicide these days.

Gemsforeyes - I have to say your story saddens me a bit. I think it's saying a lot when you say that if you were surrounded by your friends in your home state, or that if you were younger, you may not choose to be with this man. Nevertheless, I am very glad you've found your own way to get through to him and disallow abusive behavior to the best of your ability.

I think that if my (ex)girlfriend was raging only once every couple of months, I could have stayed. This is the level of frequency I expected after we initially got back together. Then after 2 months when there was one episode, I was strong enough to move through it with ease because she had built up my safety by that point. But when episodes kept happening from there seemingly every 2-3 days for about 7 weeks leading to suicidal ideation, manipulation, me needing to call the police three times, and hospital visits, my world came crashing down.

In my deciding to get back together with my (ex)girlfriend months ago, I made an agreement with myself that I would no longer tolerate the behavior I could no longer tolerate in the first round of our relationship... .unless, it was incredibly infrequent. I had wholeheartedly believed she had changed. And as much as I mourn for my (ex)girlfriend and the relationship, I mourn for the child in my own heart that wanted so badly to believe in her - the spark of hope that was lost.

The thing I'm still struggling with is this - where does my (ex)girlfriend's identity/personality end and where does her illness begin? The more I watch videos and consume information, the more it is seeming like much of what I felt to be romantic love were very typical patterns of BPD/codependent relationships. I don't want to view my (ex)girlfriend as only an illness and I don't want to view our relationship as only need-based. I want to know what we both felt was real, too. But then it's a double-edged sword because the more agency she has had, the more I have to hold her accountable (and not her illness) for a lot of behavior that has hurt me.

I've been continuing to watch videos and consume information, which has been helpful and confusing. The book, Walking on Eggshells, seems to focus mainly on helping a BPD partner or family member HANDLE a relationship with a BPD person. There didn't seem to be much in the book on when to stay vs. when to leave a relationship that feels emotionally abusive (btw when I use the term "emotionally abusive," I do put as much responsibility on the codependent as I put on the BPD, understanding it takes two to keep this going).

On the contrary, when you type "BPD Relationships" into YouTube, it's a whole different arena. Mainly professionals and victims urging others to stay away from romantic relationships with people with BPD. One expert harshly said, "I don't have sympathy for people with BPD. Why? Because they hurt people and terrorize the lives of others. They prey on people's weaknesses. It doesn't change it for me that they have a mental illness. Clearly serial killers are mentally ill, but I don't have sympathy for them either." The same guy explores a lot why some individuals accept this kind of abuse for years and why others [respect themselves enough to] walk away much sooner.

This troubles me greatly because I genuinely believe that everyone deserves love. It doesn't make sense to me that there should be this "species" of people out there with BPD--anywhere from 1% to 10%--who should just be avoided.

Curious as to your thoughts on this.

Much love to you both,

Marissa

[Lady Itone]

Hi Marissa,

The uBPD woman I dated for 1 1/2 years is currently in a halfway house specializing in dual diagnosis. It is several hours away from me.  I haven't seen her in person since mid Nov, but we talk every couple of days.

Like your relationship, ours was very "charged." She was at once my mother, child, and goddess, and I was her everything. She relied on me for everything good in her life.

I would not believe anyone who says she didn't love me. Her behavior may have followed an ingrained pattern, but her intense feelings for me were/are very real to her. When I finally ended things, she was genuinely devastated. It was not just manipulation. That woman loved me in the only way she knew how. Unfortunately, that often meant devouring me entirely.

I agree with your statement that mentally ill people deserve love and support too. Unfortunately, in my case, my love is better given from afar. I've seen others say in these boards that romantic relationships are too stressful for disordered people and turn into triggers. I definitely see that now that I don't engage with her like a lover, I'm less exhausted by her episodes. I can control how often she communicates with me by not answering my phone or returning her texts, and she is no longer able to show up at my door. I will do certain things for her, certain things I will not do.

It sounds like you are able to regard your ex with compassion and understand that she isn't all good or all bad. She's just a person, a person with BPD, which makes relationships difficult. If you're unable to have contact with her because as you say, it's all or nothing for her, you can just think of her with compassion, send her love and light and all that.     

[janethedoe]

Lady Itone,

Thanks for your input and guidance.

How did you cross the threshold from lovers to friends? Was that difficult? Are there still expectations there?

My (ex)girlfriend put a lot of weight on our relationship as the thing that was supposed to bring her happiness too, even a reason to live, which is when I decided I had to remove myself so she could find reasons to live outside of me.

I do in my heart of hearts believe my (ex)girlfriend has loved me in a way that's been real for her, in the only way she's known how. As my sister put it - "It's not that it's not love, necessarily, it's just not necessarily the most evolved kind." She was referring to codependent love that is very need-based and fear-based as being less "evolved." But all love is based on need to some degree. It gets confusing.

For me, the love I had and will continue to have for my (ex)girlfriend is the most profound love I have ever felt for a romantic partner. It physically ails me that I have to love her from afar right now. I wish there were another way.

I am happy for you that you have found your boundaries and that you've found a way to remain in your former lover's life in a way that works for you. Does it work for her or does she want more?

I certainly do regard my (ex)girlfriend with compassion. I have much more compassion than anger. The only anger I have in me is that amount necessary to keep me from running to her this time, or picking up the phone. Even my decision to walk away for this time, is a decision I felt I had to make out of love. Her life and her healing are worth more to me than our relationship. I am sending her love and light. And you as well.

   

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Marissa and SunandMoon- (stream of consciousness response to your very complex posts)

Sure wish we could sit down to tea... .this conversation has been so supportive.  I want to point out that we need to be cautious about who we accept as BPD "experts" out there in Internet land.  Some of their comments can be too broadly sweeping and downright cruel when addressing people suffering from this illness.  Not all BPD sufferers are the same.  Just as none of us so-called "nons" are the same level of codependent for remaining in these relationships.  And no one is "heartless"  in her/his decision to exit a BPD relationship, whether it be romantic, a friendship, or a relationship with a blood relative.  Some relationships are simply just too unhealthy and damaging to continue.  While others provide more positive experiences than negatives.  And in still others, the BPD may have remained under wraps until children were born; and then a whole new set of circumstances require consideration and protection.

I have taken a good, hard look at my own emotional state when I entered my current BPD relationship, and sort of followed my emotional journey through this thing by writing letters to myself to chronicle my feelings and confusion.   As I mentioned, I was misplaced, lonely and replete with anxiety from my separation and divorce.  I was a wisp of my former self, both physically and emotionally and this new man wanted to completely love and take care of me.  I was a good 20 lbs underweight.  Pure love-bombing.  That didn't quite turn out to be the case for long, though.

BUT, and there are some big buts here, in spite of his horrible RAGES and name calling, lying over ridiculous things and stealing stupid things from me that were all so easy to find out about; he would show up out of the blue to take care of things on his hunch that I may need help.  He would almost have this sense of when I was ready to dry my tears for good.  This man unknowingly taught me, yep, at my age, to finally express the anger I had NEVER been able to express... .about ANYTHING.

After my violent marital separation, my Psyche asked me to get angry... .I could NOT express that anger.  After I was brutally assaulted in college, I was begged to express anger over the attack.   Instead I hid that attack and lied to my entire family about why I left the university.  In the 39 years since that attack, I had NEVER been able to express anger over it.  But this treatment at the hands of my BPD boyfriend?  Yes, once I found my voice, I reacted loud and clear.  So he exposed something in me that had loong been hidden.  About 5 months ago, I wrote about the attack for the first time.  That writing literally brought me to my knees.  I privately screamed alone in my home for days.

Had I been in my normal, healthy state of being when I met him, would I have endured a second monstrous tongue lashing?  I'd like to think NOT.  I don't know... .but here are two very important traits that he doesn't possess now (and hasn't since I've been with him).  1.  He will NOT cheat on me.  Not only that, but when we are in public, he never so much as steals a glance at another woman (which is odd) and he is extraordinarily handsome; and 2. He does NOT engage in suicide threats.  I was subjected to the first by my husband.  I was constantly subjected to the second by my sister during a good part of my life.  I pledged to myself... .I would NOT voluntarily accept those behaviors from a person I have a choice to be with in my life.  I feel we have a right for ground rules... .with everyone we choose to be with.  And even those we were born to be with. 

I happen to be a person who does NOT consider adult love to be unconditional.  I hope that does not come off as cold.  We can choose to be loving.  It has taken me my entire life to understand I can have the love I want.  He understands this now, too.

There is this thought contained in my spiritual beliefs -

If someone engages in behavior or words that drain the blood from your face, it is the same as killing you.  To me that is what it feels like.  If a relationship choice weakens me, I cannot be in it.  That is now a fact.  This is what he understands.  He also did and does some really good things for me.  My anxiety level is way way down.  I barely take any meds any more.  His words to me, when he observes my anxiety rising are these:  " whoa, slow down there little Seabiscuit!"  That's a favored famous racehorse, in case you don't know.

So, this is all clear as mud, I know.

As far as compassion... .yes, you/we must have loving compassion for people with illnesses.  Sometimes we cannot directly help them.  We have to accept that we cannot "fix" the problems of people with BPD no matter how much or deeply we may love them.  We will never fully know the "depth" of their love for us, or whether in mirroring our behavior, we fell in love with an image of ourselves.  A very tricky topic, I know.  So it's best to forget what they said and go strictly on behavior.  At least for me.  I have to ignore a good portion of his words, unless there is immediate follow-through.

As far as transitioning to a friendship... .from what I've read here, that's often not possible unless she's replaced you romantically.  And even then, in time, she may try to recycle you as her lover down the road.  She'll forget the bad stuff, but you won't.  My one piece of advice is to remember the bad stuff.  It can save you.  Even in the most "healthy" of romantic relationships, a transition to friendship takes time and a complete willingness, heart healing and forgiveness  on the part of both former partners.  Now would not be the time to even broach the topic.  It may be misinterpreted as yet another form of abandonment and possibly a surefire trigger for another highly charged episode.

I hope some or any of this makes sense.  I have so much to say to you,yet I feel that I've said nothing meaningful.  I'm so so sorry.

Sending you both love. ❤

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[toomanydogs]

Hi Marissa,
  As others have written, only you can decide whether to break up or not. I'm going to share my story, so you can see that 1) you're not alone, and 2) how I managed my marriage for ten years, and 3) how it ultimately failed.
  I met my H eleven years ago; we married ten years ago. In August of this year, he moved out, telling me he was going to be gone for a week and he'd be back every day to check on his cats. Lies. He filed for divorce shortly after.
  When I do a post-mortem on my marriage, I think what happened is that I learned a new way of communicating with him--a healthier way that I didn't always adhere to. Maybe 80% of the time, I communicated in a pretty healthy way. I also, with the help of a terrific therapist and my friends and family, learned not to personalize his attacks.
  Here's the rub: In not personalizing his attacks, I ended up also not personalizing his more endearing traits. So I ended up with his being unable to affect me. See the problem? Because I was also pushed into the role of caregiver, a role I was born to play, by the way, the sex between us, which was incredible in the beginning, stopped. The dynamic between us ended up being more son/mother than husband/wife, and sex between two such unequal people feels wrong.
  So, in retrospect, it's no wonder the marriage didn't succeed. Eventually, where I'll be is accepting that I learned a lot about loving (and hating unfortunately) from this man. I am grateful for having known him and incredibly grateful that he's gone. He did me a favor in leaving because I never would have left him. Because I looked at him as more my son than husband, I looked at the relationship as unbreakable. Most mothers don't leave their children.
  I am also in my 60s, and now that he's gone, I wonder why I kept at it for as long as I did. My thoughts. Welcome. Your story resonates with me as so many stories on these boards do.
TMD

[SunandMoon]

Dear Lady Itone and Toomanydogs -thank you for sharing your stories and different perspectives with us.

Lady Itone - congratulations for managing to keep your friendship! That is very rare and I can't imagine it's been easy for you 

Gemsforeyes - my heart goes out to you for the horror of the attack you endured and the years of suffering that followed. I'm glad that you have finally found your voice! And have a clear view of what you will and will not accept in your life 

Marissa - it sounds like you are also becoming more comfortable with your resolve to stay away for now and using this time to unravel the twisted ball of emotions and events that led you to this point in your life.

Oh by the way - I keep forgetting to congratulate you on your first book! That is so awesome!

In your last post, you said:

The thing I'm still struggling with is this - where does my (ex)girlfriend's identity/personality end and where does her illness begin? The more I watch videos and consume information, the more it is seeming like much of what I felt to be romantic love were very typical patterns of BPD/codependent relationships. I don't want to view my (ex)girlfriend as only an illness and I don't want to view our relationship as only need-based. I want to know what we both felt was real, too. But then it's a double-edged sword because the more agency she has had, the more I have to hold her accountable (and not her illness) for a lot of behavior that has hurt me.

I've been continuing to watch videos and consume information, which has been helpful and confusing. The book, Walking on Eggshells, seems to focus mainly on helping a BPD partner or family member HANDLE a relationship with a BPD person. There didn't seem to be much in the book on when to stay vs. when to leave a relationship that feels emotionally abusive (btw when I use the term "emotionally abusive," I do put as much responsibility on the codependent as I put on the BPD, understanding it takes two to keep this going).

On the contrary, when you type "BPD Relationships" into YouTube, it's a whole different arena. Mainly professionals and victims urging others to stay away from romantic relationships with people with BPD. One expert harshly said, "I don't have sympathy for people with BPD. Why? Because they hurt people and terrorize the lives of others. They prey on people's weaknesses. It doesn't change it for me that they have a mental illness. Clearly serial killers are mentally ill, but I don't have sympathy for them either." The same guy explores a lot why some individuals accept this kind of abuse for years and why others [respect themselves enough to] walk away much sooner.

This troubles me greatly because I genuinely believe that everyone deserves love. It doesn't make sense to me that there should be this "species" of people out there with BPD--anywhere from 1% to 10%--who should just be avoided.

I can totally understand that reading and researching has helped you to make your decision. Knowledge is power and many people don't find this until it's too late.

May I suggest that you also spend some time reading blogs by pwBPD and forums FOR pwBPD to get a more balanced perspective?

Reading all this stuff can give a twisted view of people with BPD. I know - I've read a lot of it too!

It's one reason why psychologists are reluctant to give their clients a diagnosis of BPD. Imagine being diagnosed and then reading all these things about what a monster you are and how people should RUN from you.

Wow - that must be so horrible for a person with BPD reading all this stuff; to have all their worst fears and self-hate confirmed :-(

The fact is, BPD is a spectrum disorder... .in the same way as autism, Aspergers, etc. Some people are badly afflicted and exhibit all 9 diagnostic criteria; other people only show some traits and may not qualify for diagnosis - and then there are people who fall anywhere in between those extremes.

I do think, with her suicide ideation and spiralling episodes, your (ex)girlfriend seems to be toward the worst end of the scale. I truly hope she can get some real help this time and I support your decision to step back during this time.

However, I totally reject defining a person as their diagnosis. For example, I have a close in-law who is diagnosed depression and OCD. He has struggled with these disabilities for years. He is a lovely man, a great father, a loving husband, kind and wise, with a great sense of humour.

So many things define his personality but depression and OCD are not the defining part of who he is. Sometimes when we're talking and he's standing there endlessly wiping his kitchen counter, I'll say to him, "Give it a rest darling, you're wearing a hole in the counter!" and we'll laugh.

I would totally reject defining my own husband's personality as BPD. He also rejects the label and prefers to refer to himself as "very emotionally sensitive".

When we met, he had a fully formed personality with his own likes and dislikes, opinions, hobbies and ways of being... .everything that defines a personality.

The only times I have seen him mirroring is when he is out of his depth, in unfamiliar surroundings or with strangers he doesn't know how to relate to. And I think we all do that, to some extent.

I think I'm rambling here! The point I'm trying to make is that all pwBPD are not the same and they are not, at heart, monsters.

They are people who struggle greatly with emotions and have poor skills in controlling or moderating their emotions.

In love, we are walking on air, smiling all the time, thinking about this wonderful person a lot, etc.
Multiply that by a thousand and you might get a fleeting image of what a pwBPD experiences.

When it all starts falling apart, or the rose coloured glasses fall off, we are let down, disappointed, disillusioned, sad.
Multiply that by a thousand and... .

I hope this helps a little. I feel like there is so much more to say but I'm writing a book here too!

 

[Lady Itone]

How did you cross the threshold from lovers to friends? Was that difficult? Are there still expectations there?

My (ex)girlfriend put a lot of weight on our relationship as the thing that was supposed to bring her happiness too, even a reason to live, which is when I decided I had to remove myself so she could find reasons to live outside of me.

I do in my heart of hearts believe my (ex)girlfriend has loved me in a way that's been real for her, in the only way she's known how. As my sister put it - "It's not that it's not love, necessarily, it's just not necessarily the most evolved kind." She was referring to codependent love that is very need-based and fear-based as being less "evolved." But all love is based on need to some degree. It gets confusing.

For me, the love I had and will continue to have for my (ex)girlfriend is the most profound love I have ever felt for a romantic partner. It physically ails me that I have to love her from afar right now. I wish there were another way.

I am happy for you that you have found your boundaries and that you've found a way to remain in your former lover's life in a way that works for you. Does it work for her or does she want more?
   

In honesty it's only been a short while and she's been in rehab for most of it so I don't think I should tout this as a totally successful transition to friendship just yet . I do worry she's just pretending to be ok with it and there will be hell to pay at some future point.

I would also be lying if I said I didn't desire her, miss her, or have feelings of abandonment. I've never been good at ending love cold turkey it's too painful. "Concious uncoupling" is the term for how I like to leave big relationships. I left a 16 year marriage this way, slowly and supporting each other. Exhubby and I are still very close friends. But then, he wasn't borderline.

Right now, she's getting lots of professional help and is very clearheaded and stable. That makes it easier to relate to her in a healthy way. The sad reality is that might not always be the case. If things change I suppose I'll adjust accordingly.

I really like what your sister said. And I feel your pain and frustration. It sucks to know you can't happily be with someone but to want them anyway. One day at a time it will get easier.

[janethedoe]

Gemsforeyes,

Oh how I would love to sit down and enjoy some tea with you. The more I read your meaningful writing and the way you express yourself, the more I'm becoming convinced that you should write a book! I'd certainly buy it.

I feel very inspired by your outlook, your boundaries, your sense of self, your finding the good in your BPD partner and also recognizing the good he brings out in you (what a powerful thing it is to finally entitle yourself to express the full spectrum of your emotions, congrats!). I'm happy to know you are feeling healthy and that he helps you to manage your anxiety. I actually do know the horse Seabiscuit is btw

You've reminded me, in your compassionate words, that whether to stay or leave my relationship... .where I "fit" - these are decisions that need to be made from the inside out. No external expert or BPD guru is going to get me where I need to be. It's more about connecting to what's already within me and living that truth.

Here are the most honest things I am able to say:

My BPD ex-girlfriend has been the deepest love I've felt for another person in a romantic way (and I've been in a good number of relationships).

I'm uncomfortable saying "ex", although we are separated, because "ex" sounds as if I'm crossing her out of my life, my past - and that makes me so very sad. I've learned a lot in this relationship. I hope there will be a way for us to maintain a caring and mutually supportive connection of some capacity in the future. But if it doesn't happen, I don't regret a moment I've spent in her presence. And in the meantime, I am meditating on her with all of the love and light I can send her from afar.

An enormous weight lifted off of me when you said, "No one is 'heartless' in her/his decision to exit a BPD relationship." Because I know in my gut I didn't leave because I don't love her. I left because loving her meant abandoning too much of myself too much of the time.

I believe in unconditional love in a way... .but one cannot love another person unconditionally unless they are able to love themselves unconditionally at the same time. Too many people's idea of "unconditional" love is just glorifying codependency.

It is liberating to embrace that I can have such an incredible amount of love and compassion for a person... .without that meaning I'm meant to be with that person in a romantic relationship at this time.

Among everything else, I've been afraid of feeling like a fraud for leaving my girlfriend since I promote myself (in my writing, etc.) as a person who possesses a deep sensibility when it comes to what others might consider "insanity." I advocate for individuals who suffer from mental illnesses, pledging that they deserve to be treated as individuals rather than labels. Thank you for entitling me to still be this person I've always seen myself as--a person with a kind heart, an open mind, and an expansive sense of reality--I can see that exiting my relationship doesn't make me a bad person or alter what I stand for.

As you've helped me to realize, it was the suicide threat directed toward me that brought me to the edge. I'm not sure if that was a boundary I ever spoke out loud to her, but I realized it was a boundary when it happened and I felt afterwards that I could not move forward in the same "unconditional" way.

I do feel in myself now, a pull in a new direction. The Universe is calling me to for once show up fully for myself without worrying about the expectations of others--without measuring my own worth through others' eyes and my ability to meet their needs. It's time for me to end my codependent cycles and exist with all of my truth and integrity for awhile.

I said to my therapist today, "I'm doing okay overall but still struggling with those moments where I feel the weight of my failing her." In response, she advised me to write a list of every good thing I've ever done for my former partner. She said she bets it'll be pretty long. She's right. So I'm going to try that.

I will leave you now with a poem I wrote yesterday about this whole situation.

Sending all the love back to you  

Blood On My Hands

In your eyes, I left you at your lowest—walked
out beyond the fluorescent hospital, into the sky,
discarding a sobbing child behind me

Did you know I was a child too? Clinging, scraping, biting
my own tongue to earn your grace. I gave you that power—
the agency to make me “good” or “bad” at the flip of
a switch

In your palms, I placed my dignity and worth (on your
shoulder, I placed my head). And you said, “I’m dying
either way. I’m killing myself if you go.” How much
can an empty heart forgive, ill or strong, right or wrong,
what happens when I can no longer stand?

I dreamt of blood on my hands, a stage with no curtains
to hide behind, nightmaring my way to salvation
with nowhere left to run
Don’t you know with all my weight I tried to keep

the rug beneath your feet, but the ocean
finally swept me away. Now I drown in a sea without
a surface. I open my eyes—only red
The sharks have found us
I still reach for you but
without limbs
 

[janethedoe]

toomanydogs,

I so appreciate you sharing your story .

I'm also sorry that in the end, your marriage did not continue. But every end is a new beginning, right? And it certainly does seem like you have learned a lot.

The thing I resonate with most is how you brought up feeling like your partnership was more of a "mother/son" dynamic than husband/wife.

Although the sex was insanely awesome with my girlfriend (truly the best I've ever had), I did in other moments feel as though she expected me to take on the role of her guardian. It felt like she would become disappointed with me if I was not her knight-in-shining armor, lover, and mother all at the same time.

Unsurprisingly, whenever her mother was in town, my girlfriend and I would fight miserably or break up. The pattern was one I could not ignore... .she would become a lot less desperate for my attention when her mother was around, leading me to believe my "role" competed with that of her mother, rather than me having my own, completely separate standout role as her girlfriend.

You said, "Most mothers don't leave their children." Wow. Such a profound statement to make on the topic of loving someone with BPD. I do think this is a really important factor in what makes people with BPD so hard to leave... .their "child-like-ness" triggers a very parental response in their lovers and it's not easy for anyone to leave a child.

After all, maybe us "nots" are not all sick with codependent tendencies. Maybe we are seers who see these people not as adults but as the children they emotionally are.

I have this vision of walking away from my girlfriend in the hospital - her standing there crying and looking so much like a young child whose parent is going off somewhere, leaving her behind. The image breaks my heart.

Sending love to you,

Marissa

[janethedoe]

SunandMoon,

Thanks for congratulating me on my first book! I truly appreciate your support  .

I loved how you phrased this: "It sounds like you are also becoming more comfortable with your resolve to stay away for now and using this time to unravel the twisted ball of emotions and events that led you to this point in your life."

More accurate than I could have put it myself! And helps me to feel better about what I'm doing when phrased this way. I am writing this down.

As you and Gemsforeyes have helped me to realize, it's not an either / or! I had been thinking before that if I decide I have a lot of compassion for BPDs, then that means I should remain in my relationship. Or if I decided that I do not have much compassion, I should leave. But this was my disconnect. Because my truth is: I have so much compassion for my former girlfriend, and for all people who suffer from BPD... .BUT that does not necessitate me to stay in a relationship that is just too painful and confusing at this time.

I have in fact been reading articles and watching videos by people with BPD (not just paying attention to the harsh-minded critics). I think discussion forums for pwBPD could be especially helpful - are you able to recommend any good ones?

Yes, of course, I think it would be devastating to receive a BPD diagnoses and then to experience some of the horridly biased perspectives out there.

I am happy to hear your husband seems to have a relatively strong sense of himself--that's important. Since it seems that BPD has influenced such an extent of my former girlfriend's behaviors, likes and dislikes, and overall demeanor, I'm still trying to decide who "she" in her essence is. I believe she is also working to understand this about herself. And I can only hope to someday meet her.

Thank you for everything 

[janethedoe]

Lady iTone,

Thanks for answering my question  .

It makes sense that this new friendship you've embarked on may only be maintain-able based on your current circumstances. I hope for your sake and hers that you are able to continue to navigate it with respect and authenticity on both sides.

Cold turkey endings are much too painful, indeed (and I've recently been feeling drawn to calling my own separation a "conscious uncoupling" too, so thank you to Gwynyth Paltrow for that one  . I definitely still desire my former girlfriend in every way. I actually miss her even more tremendously being that she was in the hospital for weeks before our recent breakup, so it's been about a month now since we've been together enjoying quality time and intimacy, outside of a hospital setting. And it all happened much too fast.

I am happy to know you were able to part from your former husband in a supportive and conscious way - breakups are so much easier when there is no animosity and hate, aren't they? Unfortunately, breakups like this are also rare.

Truly hoping one day at a time truly does make it easier. Right now I'm still on many levels feeling like I can't live with or without her.

Thank you for everything 

Marissa

[Lady Itone]

Oh god did Gwynnth Paltrow come up with that term? She's so full of cr*p! But I do love the idea that two people who once loved each other can separate peacefully and deliberately.

Last night the ex and I got into it a bit, she needs to come back to town to tie up loose ends before she moves permanently, and she asked me if she could store some stuff at my place and pay me a small fee. She knows I have high cabinets and closet space I don't use. I had told her before she could, but that was when I just thought her housemate would be dropping it off at my place, I didn't realize she'd be making a personal appearance! I kind of panicked. Still a wee bit traumatized by her psychotic episodes it appears.

I definitely feel easier being her friend when there's a LOT of space between us. Calming down now, gonna try to make it work.  

You absolutely can live without her. You did before, didn't you?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dearest Marissa-

You absolutely emptied the breath from my body.

Every person.  Every single person... .who has EVER given their heart, love and soul to a person with BPD, should have the benefit and privilege of reading your incredible poem.

You Say EVERYTHING.  We normally use the word "breathtaking" to describe a vista, or a photograph.  Your poem is a photograph.  It needs to be seen, taken in and absorbed by as many people as possible. 

I have so much more to say to you, and our other beautiful friends in this group, but need to attend to visiting family.

I am so honored to be engaged with such an inspirational and thoughtful group of women.  Why don't I personally KNOW you all... .

Love to you,
Gemsforeyes

[janethedoe]

Lady iTone,

It sounds like you are indeed still recovering from some trauma if your ex still has the power to shake you up in such a way! I am sorry to hear you had to be caught off guard like that.

Please continue to keep me posted on your situation to the extent you feel comfortable doing so.

And thank you for this line:
"You absolutely can live without her. You did before, didn't you?"

It is what I needed to hear.

 
M

[janethedoe]

Gemsforeyes,

I am so honored you were moved by my poem. Thank you for taking it in and for your incredibly kind words . I wrote that one pretty quickly - in about 15 minutes. Usually, it takes me longer but the emotions were ready to be purged and I think what I've realized, after emptying that out of me, is that I am beginning to find compassion for myself (":)id you know I was a child too?".

Also, I think I'm beginning to accept that I'm helpless despite how hard I have tried ("I still reach for you but without limbs".

Maybe there should be an art and poetry section on this site for members to share with one another? Since creativity can be such an outlet for the sensitive and suffering... .

This group has seriously been a lifeline to me during this time.

I have gotten beyond what I came here looking for by having the privilege of connecting with you and others here. Wish I knew you all personally, too!

I look forward to more engaging and hoping you are having an enjoyable weekend  .

Love to you,
M

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Marissa-

From your beautiful poem:

"In your eyes... .". because that is the point of view from which EVERYTHING is seen, must be seen, in these relationships.  And ":)id you know I was a child too?" 

I was "in the sea" before I even knew that is where your poem would take us.

Simply amazing, Marissa... the picture your words painted.

You, I, she, he are people to be held with compassion.  Some physically  embraced; and some held from a distance and in memory.

Sending love to you as you successfully complete your book❤

Gemsforeyes

[janethedoe]

So well said, Gemsforeyes  .

And thanks! My book is officially complete and will be released on February 13th. It's on Amazon now - the title is "Starving in Search of Me" about my recovery from an eating disorder and sexuality/identity issues.

So yeah... .I've heard it's common for people who have their own history of self-harm to attract relationships with individuals who suffer with BPD. Anorexia and bulimia were my forms of "pain management" back in early 20s but I have spent the last decade fully recovering. My book explains how .

Going to keep getting stronger and stronger from here. Something has broke in me.

As for my former girlfriend, I worry about her very much and am sending love to her every day through energy, through poetry, and through these distant ways I can right now. I hope she is healing. She left her perfume in my drawer and smelling it still makes me cry.

I'm beginning to just make friends with that pain.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Marissa-

I am looking forward to reading your book.

Realizing that your pain is still deep and raw, please keep posting in our community when you have thoughts to share. 

You can either continue in this thread, reply to someone else's situation if it strikes a chord with you,  or begin a new thread. 

Your words need NOT be well thought out or poetic.  Stream of consciousness is fine... .just try not to abandon yourself now... .it's a hard time for you, and you need to allow yourself that, okay?

With love,
Gemsforeyes

[janethedoe]

Thank you, Gemsforeyes  . I think I needed to be reminded of that.

I will continue to participate in this wonderful community, and will do my best to let it all flow out.

I do indeed have a long road ahead. The pain is still very unsettling. The absence of someone so special to me is haunting. The healing has only just begun.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Marissa-

I wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing.  It's now the wee hours of March 1st, I cannot sleep, and recalled that your book was due for release a few weeks back.

If you happen to be visiting the site, please let us know how you are.  I also hope your (former) girlfriend is making good progress in her emotional healing.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes