Scared to death of my adult daughter, who may have BPD

[Harpie104]

I am shaking like a leaf right now. I've just gotten another message, relayed by another family member, that my daughter, who I believe has BPD, is trying to have me arrested.

Last weekend, I received multiple messages from family and friends that said my daughter was planning to commit suicide. We have been estranged for several months, and her husband, who has his own mental health issues, just sits by and lets her do whatever she wants. It's a very codependent relationship.

I called the police, who said they thought she was "just fine". She's been on a rampage ever since.

I cannot talk to her; I've had to block her phone, email and social media accounts because she uses all of it to attack me. She's trying to get me, my brother and a cousin fired from our jobs; she's accused me of horrific child abuse.

How do you deal with the fear?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Harpie104

I'm so sorry what brings you hear and glad you reached out for support, that is a very fearful situation you are in and you did the right thing to call the police, they have it on record you contacted them, she's 'just fine', though you are not - did they ask her to stop contacting you, when did you report this?

Have you considered, contacting your/a lawyer and taking out a restraining order, do you have evidence of texts, emails with the threats etc. Sometimes action can stop abusive threats and behaviour in their tracks, change the dynamic immediately.

What do you think?

WDx

[Harpie104]

First, thank you very much for responding.

I called the police on Dec. 30; they called me back and said she was fine. What she reported from that contact, I just don't know what to believe. She says the police want me arrested for filing a false police report.

I have a TON of texts, tweets, facebook messages and emails, all of it abusive. I have to get a lawyer as I just can't take anymore of this, and a restraining order sounds really wonderful right now. I'm looking for a lawyer right now - haven't needed one for more than 30 years, so I'm starting from scratch.

thanks very much!

Hi Harpie104

I'm so sorry what brings you hear and glad you reached out for support, that is a very fearful situation you are in and you did the right thing to call the police, they have it on record you contacted them, she's 'just fine', though you are not - did they ask her to stop contacting you, when did you report this?

Have you considered, contacting your/a lawyer and taking out a restraining order, do you have evidence of texts, emails with the threats etc. Sometimes action can stop abusive threats and behaviour in their tracks, change the dynamic immediately.

What do you think?

WDx

[wendydarling]

Hi Harpie

You are most welcome   Police often carryout wellness checks following family/friends reports, you did the right thing - when someone shares suicidal thoughts/threats they must be taken seriously and acted on. It's not a false report, though your daughter feels it is. You can put together a restraining order, ready for issue when you feel it's fitting, though if things calm down, she comes back to 'baseline' and she could after her rampage you may wish to wait it out.  

How are your family coping, your daughter is reaching out far and wide.

We have many learning resources, tools and lessons here that will be helpful for you moving forwards, as well as the great support of parent going through similar situations whom you'll learn with, you are not alone.

What's your daughter's history Harpie? She's struggling, dysregulating.

So glad you found us, the family has helped me move forwards and I wish that for you.

Welcome again to the family 

WDx

[Harpie104]

I'm not the only person in our family she's attacking. She's trying to get other family members fired from their jobs; she harasses my 83-year old father, who is not in the best of health, with phone calls in the middle of the night (does the same to my mom and to about a half-dozen other family members). Most of her friends won't talk to her anymore although they reached out to me when the suicide threats started. That's when I called the police. The whole family feels under siege right now, but I'm getting the worst of it.

She's 41 and has probably had some form of BPD for the past 15 years, but it's been in the last six months that's been the worst. She was attacked online by several people and publications, including Breitbart. She wanted the family to take up arms and respond in kind, which we wouldn't do - it wouldn't help her and probably make things worse. I advised her to get off social media and that's when the attacks started on the family.

Her behavior appears to be cyclical - about every 3 to 4 weeks or so she's go on a rampage that goes on for a day or two. This one has lasted a week, but she's reacting to my attempts to get her into a hospital.
 
I've been reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells," recommended by a friend who has a daughter with BPD. It's been illuminating and very helpful. I'm also planning to start the family to family classes with NAMI and see a therapist for myself.

Hi Harpie

You are most welcome   Police often carryout wellness checks following family/friends reports, you did the right thing - when someone shares suicidal thoughts/threats they must be taken seriously and acted on. It's not a false report, though your daughter feels it is. You can put together a restraining order, ready for issue when you feel it's fitting, though if things calm down, she comes back to 'baseline' and she could after her rampage you may wish to wait it out.  

How are your family coping, your daughter is reaching out far and wide.

We have many learning resources, tools and lessons here that will be helpful for you moving forwards, as well as the great support of parent going through similar situations whom you'll learn with, you are not alone.

What's your daughter's history Harpie? She's struggling, dysregulating.

So glad you found us, the family has helped me move forwards and I wish that for you.

Welcome again to the family 

WDx

[wendydarling]

Hi Harpie

That's great you are seeking support of a therapist and signing up to family to family classes. A large support group can really make a difference. BPD is broad and complex and understanding was key to help me make positive changes akin to getting unstuck.  I also learnt this is a marathon, so self-care is important.

Here's one of my favourite books Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder 'Manning helps overwhelmed loved ones understand why their spouse, adult child, or other family member acts the way they do and she shows how to respond constructively. Manning understands what it means to care deeply about someone who is afflicted with this serious illness and offers practical tools to help in the day to struggles.' Many of the tools are to your  

I do hope you have an easier week ahead, do let us know how you get on and how we can support you, posting really helps.

WDx

[Harpie104]

Thanks! I'll pick up the book. I'm in the learning phase of this 

Hi Harpie

That's great you are seeking support of a therapist and signing up to family to family classes. A large support group can really make a difference. BPD is broad and complex and understanding was key to help me make positive changes akin to getting unstuck.  I also learnt this is a marathon, so self-care is important.

Here's one of my favourite books Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder 'Manning helps overwhelmed loved ones understand why their spouse, adult child, or other family member acts the way they do and she shows how to respond constructively. Manning understands what it means to care deeply about someone who is afflicted with this serious illness and offers practical tools to help in the day to struggles.' Many of the tools are to your  

I do hope you have an easier week ahead, do let us know how you get on and how we can support you, posting really helps.

WDx

[jones54]

I feel for what you are going thru. You can read my post but my 32 year old DD has been harassing me for the past 9 months. She directs it all against me and a very small amount to her mother (my ex). She always ramps up at Christmas. About 5 days before Christmas this year she sent a barrage of 23 texts that included one saying she should kill me, her brother ... ."kill us all" because she feels she has been excluded from the family. I do not think she would ever do this (she has never been violent) but I called the police. A detective contacted her and said she was to have no contact with me whatsoever or he would arrest her and she would get a year in jail. She has since stopped all the negative texts but has turned to her mother and now rants and raves about how she did nothing wrong and I had no right to call the police. It has been 3 weeks with no contact from her but endless texts to her mother complaining about this situation. I believe it is a control issue and I took her control and ability to manipulate me away. BPD's hate this. I am not sure what is best for you but I do know there is only so much a person can tolerate. I wish I still had contact with my daughter and want so bad to reengage but know if I do this whole cycle will start up again. I am not sure how long I will need to keep this boundary up but I feel it should be until she decides she wants things different and accepts responsibility for what she did. So far she is in complete denial. It has not been that long and I want so bad for things different but again letting my guard down will just makes things worse than they are now. You cannot reason with unreasonable people. BPD's are the most unreasonable people and have a true problem with reality.  Protect yourself and know there is nothing you can do to change her. She has to do that herself.