Introduction

[countryliving]

Hi everyone,

My 17 year old son was recently diagnosed with BPD and PTSD and is also gay. The last several months have bee almost a blur that started with two inpatient hospitalizations and one intensive outpatient hospitalization for him. Thankfully we found a psychologist that specializes in personality disorders and she has been wonderful. I knew the issues we were seeing ran deeper than depression and anxiety and finally we are getting to the root of the issues, but not comes the challenge... .How do we cope with the day to day challenges? I have a very involved career and a student myself and starting my graduate program in April. Finding the bandwidth and coping skills to manage this new aspect of our lives is beyind exhausting. My husband (my sons step father) is wonderful but my son thinks he is satan and is beyond hateful regardless of what my husband says or does. My son is gaurded and mistrusting of men in general as his father was abusive to both of us. Thankfully we have been in a better place away from him for many years but the trauma left its mark especially on my son. I hope to find resources, people, encouragement, wisdom and insight from this course. Everyone seem to have the answers from the outside looking in, but no one understand the nuances of having a BPD child. Ironically I am a psychology major and beat myself up for not dealing with this situation with more finesse at times as give in to moments of frustration. I am finding to learn textbook aspect of something and to live the emotional aspect of something can be worlds apart. So thank you to those of you who have created this group to provide support for those of us learning to navigate living with this disorder.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi countryliving

Welcome to bpdfamily  

Pull up a chair, and keep posting to learn with us parents here and the great teaching resources.

"How do we cope with the day to day challenges? I have a very involved career and a student myself and starting my graduate program in April. Finding the bandwidth and coping skills to manage this new aspect of our lives is beyond exhausting"

It certainly is exhausting having a pw BPD in our life and this is new for you, as me in 2015.  When push came to shove, I was with my DD when she needed me, that said it was my choice. I did not go running. I reached out to my colleagues and they have supported me, that's our culture, they understand, just like family here.

I also continued my charitable work till last November, life goes on.

I have and continue to walk with my daughter, small gentle steps, her learning how to manage her disorders and a life worth living for her, she is.

While similar our situations are unique and that is what we share, our learning and our healing on this long journey.

What's your biggest challenge at this moment in time?

WDx

[countryliving]

Hello Wdx,

Thank you so much for your message and encouraging words. I think it is wonderful that you've been able to maintain a support system for your daughter. I applaud you for this. Wow your question "what's your biggest challenge at this moment in time?" This really made me stop and think what is the biggest thing right now, my biggeset thing is my sons rage and anger. That seems to be the hardest thing to deal with. He is so angry at a moments notice for the smallest most minute things. When he blows up and gets hateful the mother in me feels extremely frustrated with the disrespect but I also feels fearful at how angry he gets so quickly. He kicked a hole in his bedroom wall recently. Feeling at my wits end.

Thank you for your insight,

[wendydarling]

Aw thank you countryliving. Just to add it's really important we take time for self care everyday. 

Someone asked me that question, it really helped me focus, prioritise -  how I could start by making small changes to make my life a bit less stressful.  It was a starting point. Many parents here have children who rage, you are not alone, dysregulate from baseline to anger/rage in seconds. It’s hard not to take it personally, it’s frustrating and overwhelming it’s no wonder your feeling at your wits end what with hospitalisations. How do you respond to his anger/rage? In the tools and lessons to your right you’ll see don’t react respond and communicating boundaries and limits. Have a look and let us know if you think they may help.

Here’s an interesting discussion
BPD BEHAVIORS: Anger and Rage
As Skip points out not all pwBPD rage, like my DD many internalize it (quiet pwBPD).
 
What's the treatment plan, is your son engaging?

WDx

[Turkish]

In a safe moment,  I once asked my ex what went through her mind when she raged.  She replied,  "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!"

Honest, simple, yet kind of mind blowing to me.

I'm not suggesting this is an instant problem solver, but have you ever asked him why he was angry at the moment? A SET response might be a good opener to calm him.  

Based upon what you wrote,  we can guess why he is angry.  Partly valid (his abuser dad), part of it invalid (non abusive SD, likely on whom he's projecting his anger due to dad not being present) and you.  

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Check out the discussion "Read More" link at the end.  Let us know if this makes sense and is helpful.  

T