My intro: Drama and trauma from ex-wife hurting our family.

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi all! This is my very 1st post in any sort of forum. I stumbled upon this one while researching to help save my husband, his relationship with his daughter, and our marriage. My husband & I have been married for over 12 years, in a relationship for over 14 years now. His ex-wife is the poster child for BPD, but the actual disorder wasn't brought to my attention until 6 or 7 years ago. Those past years have been a blur for not only myself, but it seems for my husband and my step-daughter as well. I could write a book, the amount of trauma, drama and insanity our family has gone through over the years - all due to my husband's ex-wife. I've just recently found the piece of me that's been missing for the past 7 years. But I still watch my husband struggle, most of the time in denial, because he's still suffering from PTSD from all of it.
When we started dating, my now step-daughter was almost 5 years old, and starving for love and attention. Something that I could easily give her. She followed me everywhere like a puppy dog. She was my shadow - waiting for me outside of the bathroom if I had to pee... .At that time, her mom really wanted nothing to do with her aside from dressing her up like a doll and parading her to family holiday dinners. The custody was shared 50/50 - but we had her most of the time. It was apparent from the start that something was "off" with her mom. Whenever it was time for her to go with her mom (every other weekend and then a few days during the week - then school year was split too). The visitation schedule for this poor girl was so confusing, I had a hard time following it! But, we made it work... .Anyway, it was apparent when she spent more than a weekend with her mom that when she came back to our household, she was a totally different kid.
The tougher part is that I also have a son of my own, 4 years older. We had a very happy and healthy household for 6 years. We knew from my step-daughter that both mom and grandmother had a lot to say about us all the time, about me in particular and none of it was positive, or true. My husband had a way of dealing with the ex, and I left that up to him. Until, his daughter told me one day something mom and grandmom told her (a 10 yr old girl) that my son's father was in jail. I lost my cool, and confronted the BPD ex on the phone about it. I never threatened her, but did say "if I find out you are talking about my child again, you will regret it". That was enough for her to call the police on me. It never turned into anything, but she reported to the officer that I threatened her life, and planned on putting a bullet in her in the head while asleep. Totally made up crazy stories! I then realized that I had a more serious issue on my hands with this woman. She told my husband randomly that she took a year off work because she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and has been on all sorts of crazy medications. I KNEW she was not bipolar, only because I knew bipolar people (who are no longer living now) - and my mother is a rehab nurse - she's the one who pointed out the Borderline personality disorder to me.
So many years of turmoil -- Long story --- by the time my step daughter hit puberty, it was all over. Mom found out that her daughter had gotten her period, and did not tell her. But she told me. That was the straw that broke & She went off the deep end! She's since made it her life's mission to ensure that her daughter not only dislikes me, but HATES me! And it worked, for about 5 years... .My step-daughter moved out (after about the 10th police call/visit from mom on us for nothing but made up stories) and in with her mother.
Those years were tough, and there was a point in time when my own husband started believing the things his ex would say about me and even confided in her once - BIG MISTAKE. Anyway, We got a lawyer so he could fight for his daughter, we had family therapy -- court mandated -- but mom never followed through, and my husband never enforced. I ended up going to some of those sessions instead - in attempt to repair the relationship with my step-daughter. So, we lost - a lot of $$ in lawyers, therapy and then child support went up to $1,900 a month! For one child! AND mom makes more than dad! Oh, did I mention that BPD mom is also a Special Education Teacher in our local school? And her mom (grandmom) who is also BPD had been a caseworker for the courts for years! Anyway, money was the LEAST of our worries. Now my step daughter is 19, my son is 23 and graduated college. Our relationship with stepdaughter is better than when she was a teen, but still awkward and like walking on eggshells. Mainly because my husband is scarred for life. He can't even speak correctly anymore. He was picked apart for anything he said for years that he's afraid to talk! He was a zombie for 5 years - and I worried he struggles with depression, gained weight, and doesn't like himself. I am a rescue type person and want to help! But, I have to help myself 1st. I've been going to therapy on my own. We just started talking about this again, and I think my husband wants to go to therapy now. But, it's something I'd have to set up for him. He can't do anything for himself anymore. I miss my husband, and the man I married! He's so far gone! But I know with the right help and talking, he has the potential of coming back! I know I finally did. We both lost a huge piece of ourselves through all of this. I'm finally starting to find myself and it feels incredible!  So much more I could tell and say, but I've already written a book!

[Crazy?NotMe]

Hi all! This is my very 1st post in any sort of forum. I stumbled upon this one while researching to help save my husband, his relationship with his daughter, and our marriage. My husband & I have been married for over 12 years, in a relationship for over 14 years now. His ex-wife is the poster child for BPD, but the actual disorder wasn't brought to my attention until 6 or 7 years ago. Those past years have been a blur for not only myself, but it seems for my husband and my step-daughter as well. I could write a book, the amount of trauma, drama and insanity our family has gone through over the years - all due to my husband's ex-wife. I've just recently found the piece of me that's been missing for the past 7 years. But I still watch my husband struggle, most of the time in denial, because he's still suffering from PTSD from all of it.
When we started dating, my now step-daughter was almost 5 years old, and starving for love and attention. Something that I could easily give her. She followed me everywhere like a puppy dog. She was my shadow - waiting for me outside of the bathroom if I had to pee... .At that time, her mom really wanted nothing to do with her aside from dressing her up like a doll and parading her to family holiday dinners. The custody was shared 50/50 - but we had her most of the time. It was apparent from the start that something was "off" with her mom. Whenever it was time for her to go with her mom (every other weekend and then a few days during the week - then school year was split too). The visitation schedule for this poor girl was so confusing, I had a hard time following it! But, we made it work... .Anyway, it was apparent when she spent more than a weekend with her mom that when she came back to our household, she was a totally different kid.
The tougher part is that I also have a son of my own, 4 years older. We had a very happy and healthy household for 6 years. We knew from my step-daughter that both mom and grandmother had a lot to say about us all the time, about me in particular and none of it was positive, or true. My husband had a way of dealing with the ex, and I left that up to him. Until, his daughter told me one day something mom and grandmom told her (a 10 yr old girl) that my son's father was in jail. I lost my cool, and confronted the BPD ex on the phone about it. I never threatened her, but did say "if I find out you are talking about my child again, you will regret it". That was enough for her to call the police on me. It never turned into anything, but she reported to the officer that I threatened her life, and planned on putting a bullet in her in the head while asleep. Totally made up crazy stories! I then realized that I had a more serious issue on my hands with this woman. She told my husband randomly that she took a year off work because she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and has been on all sorts of crazy medications. I KNEW she was not bipolar, only because I knew bipolar people (who are no longer living now) - and my mother is a rehab nurse - she's the one who pointed out the Borderline personality disorder to me.
So many years of turmoil -- Long story --- by the time my step daughter hit puberty, it was all over. Mom found out that her daughter had gotten her period, and did not tell her. But she told me. That was the straw that broke & She went off the deep end! She's since made it her life's mission to ensure that her daughter not only dislikes me, but HATES me! And it worked, for about 5 years... .My step-daughter moved out (after about the 10th police call/visit from mom on us for nothing but made up stories) and in with her mother.
Those years were tough, and there was a point in time when my own husband started believing the things his ex would say about me and even confided in her once - BIG MISTAKE. Anyway, We got a lawyer so he could fight for his daughter, we had family therapy -- court mandated -- but mom never followed through, and my husband never enforced. I ended up going to some of those sessions instead - in attempt to repair the relationship with my step-daughter. So, we lost - a lot of $$ in lawyers, therapy and then child support went up to $1,900 a month! For one child! AND mom makes more than dad! Oh, did I mention that BPD mom is also a Special Education Teacher in our local school? And her mom (grandmom) who is also BPD had been a caseworker for the courts for years! Anyway, money was the LEAST of our worries. Now my step daughter is 19, my son is 23 and graduated college. Our relationship with stepdaughter is better than when she was a teen, but still awkward and like walking on eggshells. Mainly because my husband is scarred for life. He can't even speak correctly anymore. He was picked apart for anything he said for years that he's afraid to talk! He was a zombie for 5 years - and I worried he struggles with depression, gained weight, and doesn't like himself. I am a rescue type person and want to help! But, I have to help myself 1st. I've been going to therapy on my own. We just started talking about this again, and I think my husband wants to go to therapy now. But, it's something I'd have to set up for him. He can't do anything for himself anymore. I miss my husband, and the man I married! He's so far gone! But I know with the right help and talking, he has the potential of coming back! I know I finally did. We both lost a huge piece of ourselves through all of this. I'm finally starting to find myself and it feels incredible!  So much more I could tell and say, but I've already written a book!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, CNM. What a lot of trauma to go through, with the cherry on top of a BPD grandmother doing casework for the courts   

You mention that you feel like walking on egg shells with your step daughter. Do you suspect her of having BPD?

My partner's middle daughter is like that and I notice that he seems to regress when he is with her -- he loves her, and vice versa, and yet the egg shells make for a very high-strung relationship.

I have really had to skill up and learn how to stay grounded around them. Therapy is a great idea, if your husband is willing to go. Would he consider EMDR or something else designed for trauma-focused recovery?

And you're so right, you have to help yourself first. I had a hard summer a few years ago when D20 came to live with us, and focusing on myself actually caused my partner to change. I remained kind and used many of the skills I learned here to help me assert boundaries in a loving way, and while there were some hiccups, he ended up following my lead and made some big changes that I know took courage for him.

How often do you see your step daughter?

LnL

[Crazy?NotMe]

I’m convinced a sociopathic mother or father can environmentally create offspring with psychosis and BPD.  

I’ve seen it first hand and with all the research I’ve done on the behaviors, I should be an expert.  It’s horrible how the offspring can be used as a tool by one parent to destroy another parent and with zero concern for the ill effects on the children.  

My husband’s exwife has 3 kids, 2 different dads (plus another new stepdad) and ALL the children have issues.  

Now that they are adults, I hope her new husband enjoys raising them, since it’s been her mission to destroy their natural biological father’s relationship with his children or only use the dad’s home for damage control or punishment.  

These kids are scared to death to loose their mom or not to stay in her graces.  

Courts need to do psychological evaluations on parents who get divorced.  Let the parents pay for the evaluations.  Kids deserve to be raised in a healthy environment.  If not, tax payers will pay one way or the other!

[Skip]

Parental alienation is terrible. Can you tell us more?

[Crazy?NotMe]

He divorced in 2010

[Crazy?NotMe]

The discussion is regarding my husband’s ex-wife, her sociopathic and Histrionic behavior and the use of Parential Alienation.  The fallout of this toxic, divisive and cognitive dissonance behaviors have incubated 3 dysfunctional and damaged adults.  It’s heartbreaking to see this unfold with no ability to positively steer these kids to a healthy journey in life.  I pray they figure it out and my husband stops internalizing and self-blaming on a situation he has had NO control over.  He has set a good example.  My only criticism, that I mostly keep to myself is, he should have fought for the kids in court, but men rarely win and it can be incredibly costly.  I get it!  And... .he wasn’t good with laying out consequences for emotional extortion; yet if he tried, his ex would pick them up and deflect that he is the issue!  EXTREMELY Toxic!

[Skip]

I pray they [the children] figure it out and my husband stops internalizing and self-blaming on a situation he has had NO control over.

PAS is very hard. Has he seen any of the work by Childress. This is long, but I think it would help for the two of your to watch it.


Filmed at the California Southern University School of Behavioral Sciences.
Presenter: Craig Childress PsyD

he should have fought for the kids in court ... //... and, he wasn’t good with laying out consequences for emotional extortion

What happened in the divorce? Also, can you give us an example of what you mean by consequences - what did he fail to do (this could help many of us understand).

Welcome!

[Crazy?NotMe]

What happened in the divorce? Also, can you give us an example of what you mean by consequences - what did he fail to do (this could help many of us understand).

If you have a 14 year old child who is angry because they didn’t get what they wanted, they throw their cellphone and it shatters and you go out and buy them a new one instead of having them earn the funds to replace it, that poses a reward for unacceptable behavior.  Or she would throw a temper tantrum because she only wanted her and her dad to go out for dinner, his ex would scold him about not spending solo time with each kid: Her quote “What kind of real dad does that?” and then the ex would call again and accuse him of choosing favorites between his kids and again her quote:  “What kind of real dad does that?”   

Yes!  

Insanity in motion!

[Crazy?NotMe]

That video is excellent.  It’s bring up so many memories that I identify with.  I have to show my husband.  For example if anyone, especially the children says something positive about their dad, his ex will say, “I’ve known him since we were kids, you really don’t know him, he’s a good actor, you need to be careful, a tiger doesn’t change his stripe, protect yourself!”  

Also, things that raised the bar with her behavior was, when we began dating, then when we cohabitation, then when we got engaged/married, then the final blow was my youngest was seriously injured in an auto accident.  Lack of empathy, comments such as “Don’t you have appoints to take care of with that “Poor Help Me” child of yours”. “Don’t you have a new family to take care of!” “Don’t talk to me ___, Your NOT my Dad!”

[Skip]

As this has a lot of father / daughter elements going forward, I'm going to move this to te parents of BPD children board.

[livednlearned]

The fallout of this toxic, divisive and cognitive dissonance behaviors have incubated 3 dysfunctional and damaged adults.  

How old are the kids, and are any of them living with you (or at least in contact)?

Also, things that raised the bar with her behavior was, when we began dating, then when we cohabitation, then when we got engaged/married, then the final blow was my youngest was seriously injured in an auto accident.

Wow.

Your blended family went through a lot during those big changes. How is your youngest doing now?

Do you feel you can talk candidly to your husband about what you've gone through/are going through?

LnL

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Crazy?NotMe]

There is a good chance that maybe my step-daughter is also BPD. We used to take her to therapy off & on when she was younger because of her anxiety, night terrors (she would scream Mommy! In her sleep but not remember, almost every night), and she would ask her mom if she was ok or what’s wrong on the phone with her at a young age of just 6! Even tho she lives with us at least 50% of each year until age 13, when she lived with her Mom, we knew there were things no child should see or hear. One time, I was away with my sister for a few days. When I got home, my husband was upset. He told me the story of his ex calling & asking to bring his daughter over earlier than planned, so he did. When they got to her house, the door wide open & his ex sitting on the floor blood covered. She said someone broke in & beat her up, but her story didn’t add up. Anyway, she WANTED both my husband & her young daughter to see her like that. The blood dried on her clothes he said it was apparent she had been that way for a few hours. It scared my step daughter so badly, to this day she doesn’t ever open the blinds in her bedroom to let sunlight in. She’s terrified of what may be outside. We heard later that is was a fight with her now ex-boyfriend that escalated, the same boyfriend she had another child with. Her home has always been a revolving door of boyfriends & room renters. Usually people with drug problems. So we always tried our best for a healthy home on our end, including therapy & communication. But we only got from the counselors that her Mim’s home is one of chaos & fear. Of course after she hit puberty, her mom (I think) could finally relate to her, and emotional incest began full force! We went a few years with only seeing her on holidays and that’s it. Always an excuse or just st no response to any other invites to come over. We only live 8 miles apart... .it’s pretty much ch the same now. I’m beginning to understand that her mom is so “Hurt” when she comes here, that she doesn’t stay long. Even on her HS graduation day, it was already pre-planned that she’d Come to our house after. We had her friends and all family here celebrating. But her mom called her hysterical, and she had to leave us all to go over & south her mom... she came back a few hours later but only for a short time, collect her gifts & go back to Mom... .her mom always gets her way. I still don’t fully understand how she lets this go on but she does! Her mom gets mad & threatens to kick her out, puts her down all the time, but she just stays and takes it... .anyway, this past year since I’ve been focusing only on myself I have noticed it makes my husband WANT to participate in help for himself & us both. But, he can also have a selfish mean side that I’ve only seen come out 7 years ago when our entire world collapses & we lost his daughter to his ex... there definitely are times where I question if I want to remain married & stuck in this never ending soap opera. I can MEVER have a good moment for me or my son without his daughter’s drama raining down on it. Example, my son’s college graduation... .2 yrs ago now... both our kids were graduating around the same time. My son May, stepdaughter June... I made graduation announcements myself with photos, etc... I work full time & always busy so since my son’s graduation was 1st, I did his 1st. This pissed off my stepdaughter & she lashed out saying the most horrible things to her dad like he only cares about my son & not his own flesh & blood daughter. The things she says, horrible! I tried to intervene & it only got worse. So much worse that my husband told his daughter she’s not going up to his college graduation. She’ll ruin what’s supposed to be an amazing moment. I was relieved because if I’m honest, at that time he was right! So she didn’t go. I could go on, birthdays, etc... .always get ruined! But we did just have dinner the other nine get & it was a good time. Her mom of course had to call her in the medicine dale of it as usual... she’ll be 20 yrs old soon & she still has to check in with Mom at least whenever she’s with us!

[Crazy?NotMe]

I’m sorry. I’ll probably be writing a bunch of long stories bc so many years of utter INSANITY & nobody to tell or who understands... and a lot of it is pushed back deep inside. Whenever I even THINK about the ex or any of her crap, it physically sickens me. I can’t describe exactly but I feel like I’m getting the flu just from thinking about that horrible person & all that she’s done. And I have no control over that, which is why for many years I was mute, depressed & unsocial. I’ve never experienced depression in my life before this. I swore I was pre-menopause. I always blamed my hormones. Because if I spoke my truth, my husband gets angry & we fight... .

[Skip]

Now my step daughter is 19, my son is 23 and graduated college. Our relationship with stepdaughter is better than when she was a teen, but still awkward and like walking on eggshells.

This might be the place to focus at bpdfamily - step daughter, 19. Biomom and bio grandmother are going to do what they are going to do - its been more than a decade - and its best to just lay low and not give them anything to trigger on.

You say husband is walking on eggshells with D19. What is going on?

[livednlearned]

There is a good chance that maybe my step-daughter is also BPD.

I'm in a similar situation. My partner has a BPDx wife, and he walks on eggshells with his adult daughter (D20). Her enmeshment with mom is painful to witness.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship, and the injuries can work their way through the blended family.

Are you in counseling or any kind of treatment to help with depression? I found therapy was so helpful in  general, and then learning skills here helped more specifically. Friends here have lived it, and know what you're going through, and what small changes might work to make things improve.

LnL

[helpingkml]

The discussion is regarding my husband’s ex-wife, her sociopathic and Histrionic behavior and the use of Parential Alienation.  The fallout of this toxic, divisive and cognitive dissonance behaviors have incubated 3 dysfunctional and damaged adults.  It’s heartbreaking to see this unfold with no ability to positively steer these kids to a healthy journey in life.  I pray they figure it out and my husband stops internalizing and self-blaming on a situation he has had NO control over.  He has set a good example.  My only criticism, that I mostly keep to myself is, he should have fought for the kids in court, but men rarely win and it can be incredibly costly.  I get it!  And... .he wasn’t good with laying out consequences for emotional extortion; yet if he tried, his ex would pick them up and deflect that he is the issue!  EXTREMELY Toxic!

We are clearly married to the same man! Save the minutiae of your experience, our lives are very similar. His youngest, who lives with us now, could be your youngest.  His other three barely function as they are beyond damaged; it's sad to witness. As of late, it's become very difficult here. My DH won't stand up, as he's a peace keeper and likely a sufferer of PTSD. It's unpleasant here of late. My steps believe their dad is the cause of the issues mom has, though he's proven himself not to be what she describes.

We're 5.5 years in and it's becoming tiresome. Children who I love are involved, but it's exhausting. I don't want to give up.