When and how much should I help my 35 year old BPD daughter?

[Quidnunc Mouse]

When and how much should I help my 35 year old BPD daughter?  She has 3 young children, is in an abusive alcohol-related live-in relationship with the youngest child's father, who has been in in-patient treatment for the last month.  She has been on non-paying family leave for the last 2 months.  She takes FMLA and/or loses jobs  each time things get really rough at home, so she is often not bringing home a paycheck.  She is wonderful at interviewing for jobs, but cannot keep them for any length of time, because of her emotional problems and because she does not keep up with the documentation required and other requisites.  She is about to lose her current job, but has already received another good job offer... .partially because I have been talking her through this crisis daily with the help of this website... .S.E.T.    I did pay her rent and car payment this month, because neither she or her boyfriend were in a position to bring home a pay check, and I didn't want my grandchildren to lose their home or transportation.   I wonder if this was the right thing to do.  I have not helped her financially for about 3-4 years.  I get very little emotional support at home, as my husband has Asperger's Disorder.  I would appreciate any suggestions and support you can give me.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Quindunc Mouse

Welcome to bpdfamily   I'm glad you've joined us for support and sorry to hear what you are dealing with. That's a question many members here struggle with, when and how much support to provide - torn by grandchildren involved. 

You are doing the right thing supporting her to solve her own problems - and it's great to hear you've checked out S.E.T. Can you see them becoming self sufficient soon ... .with the current crisis?

WDx

[Quidnunc Mouse]

I think they will be financially independent soon... .until the next crisis occurs... .which is usually just around the corner.

[Lollypop]

Hi quidnunc

I just wanted join WD on welcoming you too. I’m glad you found us.

I understand about the confusion felt about when to help, how to help and why. I still juggle in my mind sometimes about the difference between emotional support, practical support and with that is finances. Always trying to keep my guide as “everything he should do himself, he should do himself”. It’s a guide that helps me but it’s not always so easy to follow, particularly when I can clearly see my DS hitting a low period. I go with my gut as you have done and try to be flexible. Having said that, I’ve learnt by being in this forum and I’m super conscious of not stepping back into my overhelping role.

I’m glad your daughter has another job offer and has the transport she needs. Also good news about her husband being in a program. It’s a mighty challenging situation for you and I’m sorry to hear about your husband. This forum has changed my life, saved my family and I hope you find it helps you too.

Do you see your daughter and grandkids often?  When does your SIL’s programme end?  

Hugs

LP

[qcarolr]

   Welcome.

This a an ongoing question in our family too. My DD31 struggles to manage her life on her own. She has spent time homeless and in the drug using community here. We have always paid for her cell phone as a basic security need, and she is good about not abusing that. We have paid for food, loding when it is unbearably cold out, and clothing. She would be in our home sometimes too. We are raising our gd12 who has always lived with us. We have provided the majority of her needs. Much love along the way too.

I have many in my life that think I do too much for her and they fear she will overburden dh & I as we reach retirement age. I have to balance those opinions, and some of those from this site as well, with what feels right. It is a difficult balance.

Things have gotten better in the past year since DD and her bf left our state to get clean. They did this on their own and she has been clean for over 10 months. Bf is clean of hard drugs, but still uses weed for some real medical reasons. We are providing financial support for them while bf seeks a job. We have given them until the end of June to support their day to day costs. We own a small property in the other state that they pay a small rent toward. We plan to continue to help with this residence. DD is now receiving SSI -- it took her many years to get approved. This helps.

A few years ago I came to a place that I had to trust my own gut. I loved my DD regardless, unconditionally. There is nothing she or anyone else can do to take this love away. Once I set myself on this as a core belief I was able to stick to core boundaries better. The emotional and practical ones. She responded by moving in a positive direction. Things are better in so many ways with this stronger connection.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is a balance and we have to find what is right for ourselves. The tools, skills and knowledge of BPD are so valuable to give each of us a stronger base to move from. This forum gives us each a safe place to share our lives with others that understand. The details we continue to own. It is a huge ongoing effort and sometimes I am exhausted.

Don't know if any of this helps you. Hang in there. Glad you found us here.

carol