Confused about distorted self-image

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPDw is an artist.

I get the whole outward projecting image of a very strong woman that she gives to the world. While we get the insecure raging at home. I can make sense of this.

But my BPDw goes through periods in which her art is extremely sexual, always female, and it is often in your face. She by-the-minute updates her Instagram, Facebook, yada yada yada with these images so the whole world can see them. In reality my wife is and has always been extremely prudish and has a hard time with sex and touching in general.

Can someone explain this one to me? Where does this come from?

[LightAfterTunnel]

My BPDw is an artist.

I get the whole outward projecting image of a very strong woman that she gives to the world. While we get the insecure raging at home. I can make sense of this.

But my BPDw goes through periods in which her art is extremely sexual, always female, and it is often in your face. She by-the-minute updates her Instagram, Facebook, yada yada yada with these images so the whole world can see them. In reality my wife is and has always been extremely prudish and has a hard time with sex and touching in general.

Can someone explain this one to me? Where does this come from?

[PeteWitsend]

Going out on a limb here, but it could be related to some trauma or other unresolved issues she has toward sex.

she seems to obsess over it publicly, but recoil from it privately.  Maybe a cry for attention?  Does she act more flirtatious or provocatively around other men and/or women?  I'd be concerned by that for other reasons. 

[LightAfterTunnel]

Going out on a limb here, but it could be related to some trauma or other unresolved issues she has toward sex.

Maybe... .I don’t know. During the first year we were together, 10 yrs ago, she would confide in me about a lot of the trauma from her childhood. She never spoke about sexual trauma. But about the time I was painted black for good she had made a collage that consisted of nasty letters that her father had written her during her adolescence and college days, as well as pictures and personal writings. She then burned the collage. Before burning it, one day I saw what seemed to be a journal writing that made vague references to being sexually abused. I asked her with genuine concern about what had happened. She never responded. And since then she never has opened up ever again to me.

So I don’t know... .maybe.

she seems to obsess over it publicly, but recoil from it privately.  Maybe a cry for attention?  Does she act more flirtatious or provocatively around other men and/or women?  I'd be concerned by that for other reasons. 

Her public demonstrations of this sexual art is definitely new. Only the last 3-4 yrs... .prior she wouldn’t show anyone.

She is not and never has been flirtatious or provocative with others. In fact I grew convinced in the early years that she truly hated men and maybe was not able to be open about her possible attraction to women. In our relationship, I have come to represent everything bad that men have ever done to women. Now, I am convinced that she loves me in her very immature way, or to the best of her ability. I honestly think my wife has been more sexual and intimate with me than any man in the past. Sex and intimacy has always been difficult with her to say the least.

These sexual pieces, mostly paintings, are almost exalting women’s sexuality. Something she severely struggles with.

Maybe that is it, simply externalizing something she would like to be... .I don’t know.

[babyducks]

Hi Light,

One of my favorite authors, Margalis Fjelstad says in her book: "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" that people with these disorders (or traits of these disorders) struggle for stability in five areas of their life.

Emotional Instability,  Thought Instability, Behavioral Instability, Instability of a Sense of Self, and Relationship Instability.

The instability of a sense of self is very hard to understand.    I found it to be confusing.   This is a cut and paste right out of Fjelstad's book:

Instability of a Sense of Self
- Intense fear or paranoia about being rejected, even to the extent that they need to be approved of by people they don't like
- Often change their persons, opinions or beliefs, depending on who they are with
- Lack of a consistent sense of self of who they are, or may have an overly rigid sense of self
- Often present a facade. May be fearful of being seen for "who I really am." Automatically assuming that they will be rejected or criticized.
- Out of sight, out of mind... difficulty realizing that they or others exist when not together
- Simultaneously see themselves as both inferior and superior to others

Presenting a façade that is totally opposite of who and what they actually are is a way of dealing with the pain and fear of "who I really am".

and because pwBPD live with harmfully intense emotions it's likely the façade will be a way over the top, highly idealized, unrealistic portrayal of what ~perfect~ might look like.

does that help?

'ducks

[LightAfterTunnel]

Presenting a façade that is totally opposite of who and what they actually are is a way of dealing with the pain and fear of "who I really am".

and because pwBPD live with harmfully intense emotions it's likely the façade will be a way over the top, highly idealized, unrealistic portrayal of what ~perfect~ might look like.

does that help?

'ducks

Thanks ducks.

This is something that has passed my mind and the “way over the top idealized” version of what “perfect” sexuality is would fit these art pieces well. Could definitely be along these lines.

I just don’t get it and when she’s in these periods of making distorted-sexuality art, her mood also shifts to being much more aloof and cold. Weird.

LAT

[Cat Familiar]

I just don’t get it and when she’s in these periods of making distorted-sexuality art, her mood also shifts to being much more aloof and cold. Weird.

I would suspect that she is getting fulfillment through acting out her idealized version of female sexuality in a "safe" way, so she doesn't need that kind of validation from you. Another thought is that she's pushing her boundaries through her art and she is getting a "snap back" so she's retreating IRL.