I am severely codependent

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Things are just awful with my pwBPD.   There is no other way to say it.  He is miserable and constantly dyregulating. There may be a few hours here and there that he seems to be calm.  Within an hour of being around me, I trigger him.  I leave when he is triggered and he has started calling me selfish for not helping him.  He is obsessed that I have too much baggage and he will never get over how I let him be disrespected by so many people in our life.

Every day, he is constantly blaming me for ruining his life - making him miserable.  I have been trying to have limited contact with him.  I do not call or text him.  I have been answering his calls which usually last less than 2 minutes and he hangs up on me.  He calls to tell me to leave him alone.  The only time he sees me is if he comes to the office.

He has decided he only wants to have a business partnership and end the personal relationship.  With that being said, he is not working at all, he says he is too unstable to work.  I haven't talked to him about anything since he isn't calm or focused at all.  The unfortunate part is that I can't imagine that all of a sudden he is going to show up motivated and wanting to work with me as my business partner.

The time I am away from him, I have been trying to focus on work and my kids.  Honestly, the time apart is good for me.  When I do see him, I find myself trying to "help" him and that ends up making us both crazy.  I don't see any hope at all - no desire for him to do anything to help himself. When I am around him, I can feel myself slipping into my codependent caretaker role which isn't good for either one of us.  I have to let go and stop trying to be helpful or there for him.  I truly need to focus on breaking my codependent habits.  It is so unhealthy.  I am not sleeping - constantly feeling anxious and stressed out.  In the past few weeks, I have been reading more about codependency and I think in some regards I am addicted to the cycle.  When I talk to him, I find myself almost panicky at the thought of him moving on and being with someone else.   When I am sitting here alone with my thoughts,  I know that I have to stop. 

At this point in time, it seems impossible for me to imagine that our relationship can recover. I love him and I wish it could be different.  When things are good, we have so much in common - enjoy each others company - we have so many similar interests.  I have spent years hoping that I could make changes - accept that this is who he is and we could have a relationship.  I think GK said once to me that we both have to want to be in the relationship and it is clear to me that he doesn't want it.  He feels trapped and that he has no option.  He says all the time he has no where to go. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone because they feel trapped. I want whoever I am with to want to be with me.   But neither one of us can live like this. Its been years of these bad habits and patterns.  I have to work on myself and get myself healthy.  I know it will take time - I just wish I could see the future and know everything will be ok. 

[coworkerfriend]

Things are just awful with my pwBPD.   There is no other way to say it.  He is miserable and constantly dyregulating. There may be a few hours here and there that he seems to be calm.  Within an hour of being around me, I trigger him.  I leave when he is triggered and he has started calling me selfish for not helping him.  He is obsessed that I have too much baggage and he will never get over how I let him be disrespected by so many people in our life.

Every day, he is constantly blaming me for ruining his life - making him miserable.  I have been trying to have limited contact with him.  I do not call or text him.  I have been answering his calls which usually last less than 2 minutes and he hangs up on me.  He calls to tell me to leave him alone.  The only time he sees me is if he comes to the office.

He has decided he only wants to have a business partnership and end the personal relationship.  With that being said, he is not working at all, he says he is too unstable to work.  I haven't talked to him about anything since he isn't calm or focused at all.  The unfortunate part is that I can't imagine that all of a sudden he is going to show up motivated and wanting to work with me as my business partner.

The time I am away from him, I have been trying to focus on work and my kids.  Honestly, the time apart is good for me.  When I do see him, I find myself trying to "help" him and that ends up making us both crazy.  I don't see any hope at all - no desire for him to do anything to help himself. When I am around him, I can feel myself slipping into my codependent caretaker role which isn't good for either one of us.  I have to let go and stop trying to be helpful or there for him.  I truly need to focus on breaking my codependent habits.  It is so unhealthy.  I am not sleeping - constantly feeling anxious and stressed out.  In the past few weeks, I have been reading more about codependency and I think in some regards I am addicted to the cycle.  When I talk to him, I find myself almost panicky at the thought of him moving on and being with someone else.   When I am sitting here alone with my thoughts,  I know that I have to stop. 

At this point in time, it seems impossible for me to imagine that our relationship can recover. I love him and I wish it could be different.  When things are good, we have so much in common - enjoy each others company - we have so many similar interests.  I have spent years hoping that I could make changes - accept that this is who he is and we could have a relationship.  I think GK said once to me that we both have to want to be in the relationship and it is clear to me that he doesn't want it.  He feels trapped and that he has no option.  He says all the time he has no where to go. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone because they feel trapped. I want whoever I am with to want to be with me.   But neither one of us can live like this. Its been years of these bad habits and patterns.  I have to work on myself and get myself healthy.  I know it will take time - I just wish I could see the future and know everything will be ok. 

[Lalathegreat]

Such a hard realization to come to - but you are right that you deserve a true partner.

Have you consulted an attorney about your options in the business side of things? It seems that in many ways it’s the business relationship that keeps you both tied together and has contributed a tremendous amount to the conflict. Whether your relationship survives in any capacity, it seems in your best interest to know your options and move towards finalizing some sort business arrangement.

I feel for you because we are very similar in so many ways and our BPD partners were very similarly “severe” in their dysregulation. I am working hard in therapy to understand those codependent tendencies in myself and it has been eye opening. And it has been hard. But I am also hopeful.

I want that same sense of hope for you my friend, you deserve it.

Lala

[formflier]

At this point in time, it seems impossible for me to imagine that our relationship can recover. 

Can you add "unless... xyz... " at the end.

Write out a couple scenarios that gives the r/s a better chance... .focus on walking down those roads.

switching gears:  I don't know much about your children?  Can you fill us in?  What can be done to focus even more on them... .add to that relationship... .?

is it possible to shift your mindset on the business to "legacy for my children"... vice... ."partnership with my pwBPD"?

perhaps it would seem less selfish if you approach it "for your kids"... .and your kids kids... .to build (and protect) something which can generate wealth for generations to come.

Thoughts?

FF

[coworkerfriend]

FF - that is a great recommendation for helping me untangle my thoughts.

We both have two children - two in college and tow in high school and have been close to each others kids for the past 8-10 years.  The business obviously funds both of our lifestyles - pays for college and for the kids expenses.  Neither ex contributes financially to their well being. Because of their ages, they are busy living their own lives and need me to be around for them. The kids are very proud of the business we have built and I have kept his lack of involvement mostly to myself.  I want to be proud of it as well - instead of feeling the constant pressure of keeping it going. I have always felt that I would keep the business going until it was time for me to retire.  At that point, we would sell or perhaps one of the kids would want to take over.  I expect to work until I retire.  I am not sure that my pwBPD feels the same way.  He feels he has worked hard his whole life and that things should be easier for him. 

I am going to think about your first question and come back to it.  I thought it would be easy to answer but I found myself at a loss when I started to type.   

[formflier]

My relationships with my children have gotten much better over the past few years.

Even those away at college.  I am deliberate about planning and reaching out to them... many times it doesn't work... .they have their own lives.

When it does... we enjoy each other...   I like "peeking into their worlds"... .

FF

[coworkerfriend]

Lala - we really are so similar and I am so glad you are hopeful.   Working on these issues is very hard and painful and scary - I am still heartbroken at what you have been through.   I will be meeting with an attorney soon - I think I know what the legal ramifications of this is but I want to be sure. 

Focusing on myself and my part in all of this has been challenging.  I have kept the cycle going and I leave that my part has lead to a deterioration in his mental state.  My endless attempts to fix the situation or "help" him through a dyregulation have firmly entrenched us.  Logically I know that there is no fix or help that I can provide but emotionally, I have felt if I just did this or that, then he would love me.  I have been doing that for years.  I have to stop.

[coworkerfriend]

FF - I spent the afternoon thinking about your question.

It seems impossible for our relationship to recover unless I stop feeling guilty for his dyregulated moods and unless I determine what my boundaries are and stop accepting his abuse.  It's still hard for me imagine that it can recover.  At one point in time, I thought he cared about me and would not want to lose me.  But it seems we are past that point.  He wants me out of his life so he can move on and put all this behind him.  He says he is trapped and can't move on and since I know that, I can manipulate him into doing what I want.  I have offered on many occasions to buy him out and help him move on and he rejects that as well. 

It seems very clear to me that he is fulfilling his prophesy that our relationship is doomed. So many past hurts and times he felt disrespected by the people in our life have been firmly cemented into his brain.  He has spent countless hours replaying those situations in his head - and endless loops of him being the victim. I would listen to him and it seems that gave him the expectation that I could  do something to fix it. If I loved him and cared about him, I would take action to prove it.  I can't tell you how many times I have heard that.  He has said every day this week that he doesn't want to see me or hear from me - that I make him angry and anxious.  I did not call or text him at all.  Last night, he called and was so upset that left him alone. He pushed my buttons saying that I dont care about him, ranted a few minutes and hung up.  It crossed my mind after he hung up the phone to go to see him.  But I know better.   I stayed home and watched a movie which is something I haven't done in a long time.  I felt guilty but I didn't have the energy to fight with him.   

I have started reading more about codependency and it is horrifying to see myself in so many of the scenarios.  During therapy, I have been focusing on why I do not want to let this relationship go and why I keep fighting the obvious.  He hasn't shown up and participated in our life in a very long time.  He blames me - I have accepted that blame.  I think that I can fix or change it.  I have taken the blame for so long I don't know how to stop it. 

I think this has been a rambling post and I am not sure if I am even on the right track of thinking this through.  I am tired and worn out.  I want to focus on my kids and work.  I want to get healthy. 

[formflier]

I was thinking more along the lines of... "unless we separate personal from business"

less entanglements... .less "hooks"... more choices... less "obligation"...

FF

[coworkerfriend]

FF - We do need to separate business and personal - our lives are so tangled up. As I try to sort it out, I am not sure what I want anymore.  Do I want to be personally involved and not be business partners?  Do I want to be business partners and not personally involved? 

He called me last night to talk - he was calm and told me about his day.  I listened and I thought I was supportive. He spent some time building a shelf for his house - it seemed to be a good thing that he was busy and active.  I thought it was a good conversation.

This morning, I stopped by for coffee which he asked me to do.  He got increasingly agitated that there are a million things that I can do to help him yet in his eyes, I do nothing.  I said I needed to go to work and that made him even madder that I choose work over what he needs.  He was mad that I didn't contact him or reach out to him at all over the weekend.  I don't think I responded appropriately.  I said that it seemed that I was agitating him and I thought the best thing I could do for him is to give him space.  How should I respond?  Maybe I am just overthinking everything. 

This morning is a perfect example of my codependency issue. I felt compelled to stay and try to figure out how to make him feel better. I was in an ok mood and by the time I left, I was upset by the whole situation.  I really don't know what to do - this has been happening for so long.

[Cat Familiar]

This morning is a perfect example of my codependency issue. I felt compelled to stay and try to figure out how to make him feel better. I was in an ok mood and by the time I left, I was upset by the whole situation.  I really don't know what to do - this has been happening for so long.

You've been in this pattern for a long time, so have patience with yourself while you untangle it. You cannot MAKE him feel better. That is not your business. He's responsible for his own moods. You are responsible for your own moods. Period.

Getting past the guilt and accusations of "selfishness" is hard. But think of it as projection. What is he doing to make your life better?

Try and step outside of your self and look at the situation as an outside observer would.

From what you report, my impression is that he is so narcissistically wounded by his own life circumstances and that he is accusing you of being the problem. You've bent over backwards to support him at work and in your personal relationship. You are carrying him at work since he does virtually nothing, yet shares equally in the profits.

I had a similar entanglement with work and personal life with my ex-husband when we ran a business together. He felt free to quit working whenever he had moods he couldn't tame and I carried his workload as well as my own. Had he been employed by someone else, he would have been fired after perhaps only one of these episodes of walking off the job. Yet, as a business partner, I endured this for years.

Now that you're looking at your part in this, you can see how your desires to help him have bitten you in the butt. You have some choices ahead of you, so imagine what your life will look like in a year, five years, ten years. Do you still want to be stuck in the quicksand with him?

[formflier]

This morning, I stopped by for coffee which he asked me to do.  He got increasingly agitated that there are a million things that I can do to help him yet in his eyes, I do nothing.  I said I needed to go to work and that made him even madder that I choose work over what he needs. 

Here is what I see from a "technical" point of view.

Biggest thing... .stop talking about work or... get right to the point and ONLY talk about work.  Separate business and personal meetings.

When you mentioned going to work, I think he was overcome by shame that he WAS NOT going to work. 

So... if you want to have a personal relationship a "coffee chat" with him... .no work talk... NONE. 

I would also let him know ahead of time... ."Sure... .coffee sounds great.  I've got about 20 minutes in my schedule... "  don't mention what the schedule is... .just set the expectation for your time.


Next (and perhaps a more minor point... perhaps not).  What you do when he gets agitated... or when you see it coming.

Can you take a few minutes and write out some word for word... .about 5-10 minutes of him getting worked up and you responding.

My gut feeling (please allow me to revise after reading your word for word) is you need to nip it in the bud... .not nuke it  (but he may feel nuked... that's ok)

"blah blah you never... blah"

"I came here to share coffee and polite conversation.  I'm not going to talk about our relationship.  I would much rather do a relationship with you than talk about it"  pause... ."Hey... .I've been thinking about trying the new Colombian coffee blend from (insert name)" 

Big picture... .set your "boundary" and then continue on in "slightly friendly" mode...

Again... .subject to revision.

Depending on how that goes... .perhaps... perhaps we need to start thinking about "firing a shot across his bow" (Start singing anchors away... .)   "I'd be glad to stop by and enjoy conversation and time with you.  I'm not able to talk about our relationship this morning.  Can I count on you to care for my needs?"

yeah... that's a nuke across the bow from his point of view... .but if he learns that you are NOT going to discuss it... .it may shift things.


FF

[coworkerfriend]

Cat - you completely hit the nail on the head.  He is  narcissistically wounded by his own life circumstances and that he is accusing you of being the problem. You've bent over backwards to support him at work and in your personal relationship. You are carrying him at work since he does virtually nothing, yet shares equally in the profits.
This is exactly what has been happening and continues to happen.  I continue to participate in it.  He does not care about how much I work or how much I do to keep this place running.  He does not participate in any way to make my life better.  I don't want to be stuck in the quicksand with him.  I never wanted that and I don't want that anymore. He has absolutely no perspective when he talks to me - he spirals into the same endless loop of all he has given up and lost since we started working together. 

I have always felt very guilty worrying about what I need and actually, until recently, I haven't even spent any time thinking about it.  I want to have someone who wants to work - wants to participate and be engaged in our business.  At this point in time, I can not see it being possible. He is so stuck that he doesn't know anything about the business and will not participate at all.   

[coworkerfriend]

FF - The exact same exchange happened between us twice today - once at home and once at the office. It is pretty much an endless loop of the same interaction. 

Last night, when we hung up, he asked if I could stop for coffee in the am.  I said I would but I wasn't sure what time since I wanted to sleep in if I could.  He said no problem, anytime is fine.  I got to his house and he was still in bed.  I went downstairs and turned on the coffee pot.  I stayed in the kitchen for about 10 minutes or so.  I heard him get up and made the coffee and brought it to him.  He said he woke early and has been awake just laying in bed.  I said i hope I didn't disturb you.  We talked for a few minutes about nothing - weather and kids.  He asked me what was I doing for the day.  I said I planned on working - I didn't have any meetings but wanted to get a few things done.  He mentioned he had a meeting but didn't plan on attending - that someone else could handle it.  Then he said he was taking down the shelf he made.  That it was a waste of time and it wasn't perfect since he didn't have the tools he needed to put it up.  This was probably invalidating but I said that I was surprised he was taking it down - that I thought it looked nice.  He said of course I would think it looked nice since everything I do is crap and I don't take pride in anything I do. He said his life is to unsettled to put up anything permanent and that it doesn't matter anyway.  Before I could even say anything, he started to rant about how he has given me a million chances to figure things out to make it better for him but I don't care.  I leave him to suffer and i don't do anything to help him.  He continued that he thinks it is my way of controlling him - to not help him and let him continue to suffer when I could fix things.  He said that he knows what I could do but he won't tell me because if he tells me than it won't be genuine and he knows I don't care about him.  I am cold and selfish and I talk all the time but I don't do anything for him.  This went on for a few minutes - same loop - and his kid came in and said he was making breakfast if we wanted some.  He said sure sounds good and then turned to me and said I ruined another day with his kids since he isn't mentally ok.  I went into the kitchen - talked for a few minutes to his kids and said I was heading to the office.  He said of course I am running away since that is what I do. 

I was at the office for a while and I heard him come in.  He had specifically said he was staying home to hang out and get some things done.  He said that he came in to lay down since he couldn't do that at home.  I said that didn't seem like a good idea - that he always feels worse when he lays down here - we have a couch and chair in an area that we used to use for reading or meeting with clients.  He said don't tell me what to do - it's my office and i can do what I want.  I went back to my desk and started working.  He started to talk under his breath - trying to distract me.  That continued for about a half an hour.  I got up to go to the bathroom - when I got back to my office he said that he can't believe that I am letting him lay there and suffer.  I said that I don't want him to lay there and suffer - what can I do to help?  The minute the sentence was out of my mouth - actually after the first two words were out - I knew it was the opening he was looking for. The rant started that he has given me a million chances to help him and I choose to do nothing - started on a laundry list of things I have failed to do for him.  I started to walk to the bathroom again and he  went off on how all i do is run away - how I am unable to deal with the real problems we have and all he wants is someone who understands him.  This continued for way too long - probably 30 minutes or so and whenever I tried to say something - he would cut me off and proceed to tell me what is wrong with me.  He said he is done trying and done with me and this place and he has to move on.  I said ok - I get it - I understand how he feels.  Which made him even madder since he said that I don't understand anything.   He worked himself up and ended up leaving a little while after that.  He said that he knows I don't care about him - that I like to watch him suffer - that I don't do anything to fix it and its too late now.  He said that I ruined his day and now he lost another day of his life due to giving me a chance to do the right thing.

It was a huge distraction and a drain on my energy.   I know that I do not handle these situations well. If I try to take control and put a stop to it, he calls me names and says even worse things about me.  If I try to ignore, he ramps it up to get a reaction.  If I leave, I don't care about him and I am selfish. 

[formflier]

  He said of course I would think it looked nice since everything I do is crap and I don't take pride in anything I do. 

I've not even read the rest of your post... .(which I will)... .but... .

You stayed in the house after this for what reason? 

The "book answer" is to say you won't be spoken to like this... and walk out.

I'm wondering  if he is so used to bullying you that you verbally need to "punch him in the nose" on the way out.

Seriously... .the second he starts (ok probably 20 to 30 seconds)... .no validation, no tools... .use your feet and leave.  Consider flipping him the bird on the way out...

Done consistently... .he will get the message.

FF

[formflier]

Also... .do you text him on the way over... or what? 

Here is the deal... if he invites you for coffee... .I would expect him to hand you a nice hot cup when you get there.

That's your price... .

What he is really doing is asking you to come over and serve his needs for a while... .is that really what you want to do.

Yeah... this is harsh... and "regular people" do make coffee when they come over.  Your goal here is to break a long standing pattern... .

You can't make him make the coffee... .but you can stop.

FF

[formflier]

OK... .I've read the whole post now... ugg... .triple gazillion ugg.

He is coming to you for a heaping serving of what he wants... dysfunction... .and you are serving it up to him.  Bigtime.

He comes in to lay down.

you should say "OK"...

If he wants to talk... ."I'm focused on the Peterson file and then I have the TPS reports to do.  If you have anymore cover sheets... I need them"

Do not talk to him or be in his presence when he is that way...

He can be nice or be alone.

FF

[coworkerfriend]

I am feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself after typing that out.  He bullies me - he has always bullied me and ranted to me and vented to me.  He has taken out his anger on me. He is always looking for my participation in the dysfunction and I always seem to give it to him.

I know I have to leave the minute he starts.  I get that - but I also have work obligations and it makes it hard for me to leave every single time.  I hope that doesn't sound like an excuse - although maybe I am fooling myself into thinking that I can somehow manage to stay and ignore him.

I usually don't text him on the way - but I do arrive at pretty much the same time every time I stop by.  You are absolutely right.  He is inviting me over for his needs.  It isn't harsh - its reality.

[coworkerfriend]

So I feel more jumbled and confused than I have all week.  His kids called me and asked me to have dinner with them last night.  I agreed and when I got there, my pwBPD wouldn't talk to me. We made small talk - had dinner and then I excused myself pretty quickly to go home.

This am, I didn't call or text him before work, I just went straight in.  He called me about a half an hour after my normal drop in time - I was busy and missed his call.  He called again an hour later - I texted that I was stepping into a meeting.  He called again an hour after that and again an hour later.  I picked up that call.  He told me he told his kids everything about how disrespected he has been treated over the years - that I pushed him out of the business and took everything away from him.  That he did what he was supposed to do all these years and I just took it all away to make money.  He continued on that for a little bit.  I said that I was glad he had an opportunity to talk to them - they are old enough to understand him and that he needs their support.  He hung up on me after I said that but called back about 10 minutes later.

I am doing my best not to engage him or try to explain myself.  He said that it is completely over - he has given me so many chances to do the right thing to emotionally support him and I choose to do nothing. This is where my head starts to get confused and jumbled.  He dangles the carrot that I am in control of making him feel better and I am too selfish to do anything about it. Its at that point in the conversation that I get caught up in thinking that all of this is my fault.  He said it is over - I need to tell my kids and my family and we need to set some ground rules.  I start to get completely overwhelmed and I told him that.  I said I need some time to clear my thoughts and that just made him mad.  He said we have been doing things on my time for too long and now its time for him to focus on what he needs.  He said he wants money from me if I can't give him the love and emotional support he needs. He said he wants me to buy him out so he can move on.  Again at this point in the conversation, I get overwhelmed and I can't think straight.   I feel completely triggered and at a loss for what to say or do.  If I try to say anything, it gets distorted and twisted into how I do nothing to do the important things to help him.

All my emotions and fears take over and I can't think straight.  I can't seem to take control of my emotions and disengage with him.  I wanted to type this out for two reasons - one - to help get it out of my head since I am obsessing about it and two - so maybe someone can help me sort myself out.  I feel sick about the whole thing.  I feel like I let it all get completely out of control. 

[coworkerfriend]

I think I keep too much bottled up inside me and I don't let myself feel my emotions and feelings.

Since I wrote out my last post, I feel calmer.  Although I don't really have any answers or a plan, at least the panicky feeling I had after hanging up with him is gone.

I am trying to take a moment and process it all.  I don't want to dwell or obsess and I don't want to try and push it out of my mind in hopes that it will get better.  It is not getting better.

At this moment, I still feel overwhelmed and that I don't know what to do.  Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[formflier]

That feeling in your head you described is you cue that you have talked WAY TOO LONG and should have hung up.

"I can't continue this conversation right now... "

Seriously... you have no obligation to listen to him.

We both know he is manipulating his kids into asking you over.

Next time say it sounds great that you are looking forward to talking to them... .then switch gears and tell them you will pick them up and take them out for a treat.

They didn't want dinner with you... .they were likely manipulated into doing that.

Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

Be aware:  As you slip from his control he will try to get you back... more threats... .less coffee... more coffee... .turning into mister nice guy... .turning mean...

Just be aware that the less you react the more he will try.  Then all of a sudden he will focus somewhere else.

Don't worry... it's all part of it.

FF

[coworkerfriend]

FF - he's been upping the reactions each time I try to enforce a boundary or pull back from him.

It felt like he manipulated me and the kids last night.  It felt like he wanted me to come over to prove to himself that I would.  I was glad I left as quickly as I did - I could tell the evening was not going to be relaxing. 

There hasn't been a conversation between us in weeks that he hasn't dumped all his emotions on me - blaming for all his issues.  I can't ever seem to relax.  If he is around, I am a bundle of nerves.  If he isn't around, I am anxious that he will start calling.  I can't imagine where he will focus his attention on next - I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse.   I tried a number of times on the phone to say that I can't continue the conversation - he kept pushing and I kept saying it until he finally got mad and hung up on me. 

[formflier]

FF - he's been upping the reactions each time I try to enforce a boundary or pull back from him.

This is a bit counter-intuitive, but that this as a badge of honor... .you are doing it correctly!  Or at least you are having an effect.

 I tried a number of times on the phone to say that I can't continue the conversation - he kept pushing and I kept saying it until he finally got mad and hung up on me. 

So... .when he emotionally upsets you ... .you take it.

When you emotionally upset him... .he hangs up.

What if you stopped talking and hung up.  "I can't talk more right now... "  hang up

Even be specific... "Hey babe... .I can talk to you  about stuff OTHER than your emotions or I can hang up.  Your choice... "

Thoughts?

FF

[coworkerfriend]

I don't think I have been direct enough when it comes to ending the conversations.  My "nice manners" get in the way of just hanging up on him.  It hasn't worked doing things the nice way - all it has seemed to have done is dig me deeper into this hole with him. 

I decided this am to do my best to not be distracted and focus on work.  I will be honest - I am struggling.  My mind has been wandering - it veers between getting angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated so poorly to wanting to do something to fix the situation.  I am trying to just let myself feel sad. 

[formflier]

In a work setting I was used to be "tough"... .commanding, giving orders and all that. 

It never ever occurred to me I may need to use those skills at home.  And when I started trying, I would still try to "tone it down" (this was before bpdfamily).

At the heart of it, I didn't want "to be mean" or "be an a$$hole" to my wife (at least my perception of that).  Getting over that and being succinct and direct has improved things.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Getting over that and being succinct and direct has improved things.

Yeah. If you're waiting for him to do his fair share in communicating, being respectful of your feelings, even considering how his behavior might impact you both personally and at work--you're gonna wait a loong time.

[coworkerfriend]

I think I am reaching the point where I am not waiting or hoping from anything from him. I feel like it is slow movement but movement nonetheless in that direction. 

I have not spoken to or contacted him since noon on Tuesday.  That is the longest stretch of time that I can recall that we haven't spoken at all.

If I start "missing" him, I have been going back to read my old posts.  I just pick a page and read the thread to keep myself grounded. 

I don't know if he will show up here at some point in time - it seems like he is staying away from me as well. 

[Cat Familiar]

I think I am reaching the point where I am not waiting or hoping from anything from him. I feel like it is slow movement but movement nonetheless in that direction... .If I start "missing" him, I have been going back to read my old posts.  I just pick a page and read the thread to keep myself grounded. 

Making change in a system that has been in stasis for a long time can be painful.

You are at the point where you've seen an overview of your relationship and the truth of that cannot be forgotten or overlooked anymore.

Reading old posts is helpful. You also need other activities to feed your soul in the meantime, while you are adapting to the acceptance of the reality of what you are no longer able to deny. What are some other things you can do that make you feel happy and enriched?

[Fie]

Dear coworkerfriend,

I have been following your story a little. Your situation is different then the one I was in with my NPD/BPD. We didn't have a business together and our relationship has only lasted for some 2 years.

Yet, every time you write out dialogues - or monologues, of him, or you describe how he's treating you, I feel half paralized. It all reminds me so much of my own situation back then, that I have difficulty breathing.

You are mentioning you feel ashamed to let yourself be treated that way.  I want to tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Other people have been and are in your situation.

Still, of  course this is something that will have to change one day... .or you will go under.

The time I am away from him, I have been trying to focus on work and my kids.  Honestly, the time apart is good for me. 

This was the beginning of your thread. How do you feel about that now ?

My "nice manners" get in the way of just hanging up on him.

I understand this ... .how about : 'I don't like the way this conversation is going. We can talk later. I am hanging up now. Bye'. This sounds nice enough to me ? You are saying bye. No more things need to be said.

And why do you pick up the phone when you see it's him ?

[coworkerfriend]

Cat - I think you are right - I do need to feed my soul.  I can not deny how horribly I have been treated - how terrible I was treated and excused away.   I need to heal.  I did have a busy day at work which passed the time but now I am feeling sad for so many different reasons.  I lost myself over the years - I haven't had a hobby in a long time.  I need to focus on me.

Fie - thank you for reaching out.  I am taking one step at a time to change my life.  I can't continue the way it was.  I am focusing on work and my kids and most of the time, it feels like a relief that I haven't had the tension in the air. I love the suggestion about how to hang up - it's exactly what i need to do. I often just go blank when he starts, i don't say anything and can't think of any way to end the call.    I have been picking up the call because if I don't, he would call nonstop.  If I pick up, he says what he needs to say and then ignores me for a while.  Most of the time, the calls last less than 2 minutes before he would hang up on me.  Granted, its 2 minutes that are unpleasant.  I am starting to feel anxious since he hasn't called - I feel like it's coming.  I keep hoping this feeling will pass. 

I feel very unresolved right now.  I tend to want to get things done and so much is unsettled. I have to clear my head a bit and make a plan.