surprised how fast alienation works

[soundofmusicgirl]

I am very surprised how fast alienation can take hold of the children. Last September (we live overseas and only see the kids during vacation time) we had a very successful and wonderful visit with the kids. That was preceded by a 4 week visit with them in our home during the summer where we had lots of fun and wonderful times.

The reason we saw them in September was because we had a court date in town.

Had a wonderful visit them.
Since then things have declined so fast that now the kids (11 yr olds) just say during their phone and skype calls: we don't want to come and visit you. And then hang up. No, hello Dad, no goodbye. Just a: we don't want to come and visit, click (hang up).

How does this happen so fast?
I mean of course BPDxw has worked tirelessly for years, but how can kids that are growing older fall prey to this so fast? My husband is really sad about this. Of course it is also super rude to just hang up and not even say a goodbye. He takes this very personal (since it repeats the abuse he got from his BPDxw).
I don't know how to help him.

[Go]

Please tell your hubby there is always a way. I have worked tirelessly with my daughter to heal old wounds and now after 4 years, we get to spend all night together, talking to the small hours.  She seeks me out often and I get to dote on her and tell her how very proud I am of her, all true, as she is just wonderful and I am so proud of her.  I apply the same rules to the boys.  I double down on every bet with them.   Time, time, time, any excuse is a good excuse, to be with and near them.   Find something they do that you can do to... .I now play table games... .I hated table games... .I now love them as I get to spend time with my kids.  Suddenly they realise Dad is no fool either.  You have to put yourself in good light and then turn it up, and then drag them in there as well to see who they really are.  There is a way, but it will take steady, very frequent, constant effort and no shortage of prayer too.  Tell yourself there is always a way... .because there is.  You will have to exercise patience, but not too much, do whatever is necessary to upset the status quo, to bring about favour to you and your children's best interests.  My daughter can now see the issues her other BPD parent faces, despite being very charismatic, the truth begins to bubble to the top and then foam in all sorts of very nasty ways.  This time around she is again, trying to deal with yet another very, very self destructive life... .one I am no longer part of... .or am I.  No I take the game up to this, as steady, sane and loving always wins sooner or later.  Do not give up.  Churchhill did not sue for peace when the odds against him were overwhelming.  Too much was at stake for the entire world.    Do not sue for peace, but no this is war and you will have to fight and take a hiding on occasion.  If you are losing already, then clearly you need to start getting in a win or two.  At America's darkest hour they sent the Doolittle raids.  A token effort?... .No, it proved America could and would fight back for what was right.  If you are firmly in the right, if you are good with God and your own hearts,  then go to battle and win, and settle for nothing less.  I am off now to spend a heap of time with my kids... .There is something their souls need and I am there to remind them what my function as Father is.  To help them to grow to be the very best they can be
All the best,  Go

[ForeverDad]

Something similar occurred with my son when he was in 3rd grade, just turned 9 years old.  I had separated when he was nearly 4 years old.  At exchanges he would always come running (literally) to me but when time came to return to his mother he would be fussing and crying.  So weird, she would accuse me, "What did you do to him?"  Um, he was fussing and crying not to go with her, ya think?

Time passed.  When we was 6 years old the final decree specified equal time.  We did the 5-2-2-5 schedule.  He got used to the exchanges finally, but he still always asked to stay longer with me, delaying getting ready to go.  However, she was still very entitled and disparaging to me, the Shared Parenting failed and I went to court to seek custody and majority time.  Well, on the next return after I had successfully gotten the court to rule positively on my Change of Circumstances motion that required a GAL be assigned, he got in the car and literally the first words out of his mouth were, "I want 50/50 time."  He was 9 years old and I think he had grow to be aware enough in his adolescent cognitive ability that she was able to influence him that he should be 'fair'.  He wouldn't have said that when he was younger.

It's totally abnormal for children to be so abrupt and unilateral.  If it were us, we would encourage a recalcitrant child to at least talk for a little while.  That's how any trained professional ought to perceive outside influence in how the children are behaving now.  The question is what can be done to address it and whether court will act on it if it ends up in court.  At age 11 they're probably still too young for their voice be allowed to negatively impact visitation or contact.