Does my daughter know she has BPD?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter is 30 and cut her brother (37) and me out of her life a year and a half ago.  This has been painful to say the least.  I have had some sporadic contact with her over the past few months and she once mentioned she and her counselor are working with dialectical behavior therapy.  By finding out what that is and reading several books, I have realized that she probably has BPD or many, many BPD traits.  Many things that have baffled me over he past 20 years now make some sense but it is a frightening disorder to unearth.  I have been doing a lot of work on my own, trying to understand the disorder and develop skills for better communication.   I am looking for counseling for myself and my son.  I have gotten invaluable help from this site learning about empathy, validation, mindfulness and S.E.T.  I would like to acknowledge my daughter's struggle but I don't know if her therapist has named the disorder to her.  I read that sometimes they don't share the "label."  Should I just tell her I have read about DBT and leave it at that?  I am trying to do my best to tell her brother about this as well but all of the readings that I can refer him to are clearly about BPD.   He is hurting so bad that all he can do is be angry to survive right now so he's not even interested.  I would appreciate any input.  Thank you

[Scout206]

My daughter is 30 and cut her brother (37) and me out of her life a year and a half ago.  This has been painful to say the least.  I have had some sporadic contact with her over the past few months and she once mentioned she and her counselor are working with dialectical behavior therapy.  By finding out what that is and reading several books, I have realized that she probably has BPD or many, many BPD traits.  Many things that have baffled me over he past 20 years now make some sense but it is a frightening disorder to unearth.  I have been doing a lot of work on my own, trying to understand the disorder and develop skills for better communication.   I am looking for counseling for myself and my son.  I have gotten invaluable help from this site learning about empathy, validation, mindfulness and S.E.T.  I would like to acknowledge my daughter's struggle but I don't know if her therapist has named the disorder to her.  I read that sometimes they don't share the "label."  Should I just tell her I have read about DBT and leave it at that?  I am trying to do my best to tell her brother about this as well but all of the readings that I can refer him to are clearly about BPD.   He is hurting so bad that all he can do is be angry to survive right now so he's not even interested.  I would appreciate any input.  Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Scout206

In answer to your question, I'd say yes she knows her diagnosis and I  ask other parents reading to join us and share their thoughts and experience on this. Yes? No?

If she does, that is brilliant she's helping herself and you can join her with your learning going forwards. It's so painful for now, she's cut you out, things do change day by day - hang on, in. I recommend a BPD/DBT therapist for you and your son, they'll be able to help you gain high sight of what you've lived through and why and support you going forwards.

Your son, best way to describe your learning to your son may be she's emotionally sensitive and doing her best and has seeked out support. Positive reinforcement.

Not sure if this may help you, when my 29DD was diagnosed I bought books galore and left them in my lounge on view, so any family/friends could borrow AND they did. More positive reinforcement - no shame or fear in our home, education yes. This may help your son, see you learning, he can do at his own pace. Here we open up, we can do at home.

Keep reaching out and posting Scout206, we are walking with you  

WDx

[qcarolr]

The skills taught by DBT have value for anyone. They sure helped me with my DD31 when this adventure started. She was dx'd at 23 though she has struggled with intense emotions and other things her whole life. She never went more than once to a DBT class. I went to a class and have done work on my own both in books and online. My leaning is to avoid making assumptions and stick with mention of the DBT only. Even though my DD got her dx, she does not really believe it. I never bring dx into the conversation. DBT is a very specific therapy with skills to learn. BPD is a complicated mess of symptoms. Just my 2 cents worth.

carol

[Turkish]

My Kaiser (Health Maintenance Organization) T told me that they don't tell their clients that they have BPD, but will refer them to DBT.  So I wouldn't be so sure that she knows.  Even so,  BPD can trigger core shame.  I'd focus on the behaviors and tools on your side to improve communication. You can certainly ask her and play dumb.  Let her tell you.

[JustYouWait]

Scout -

BPD is a terrifying dx, you're right about that.  Have you thought about maybe asking a question like "Has your therapist diagnosed you with anything?" the next time you're talking about DBT. 

You could easily tell her that you were researching DBT after speaking to her about it last time, so you have cover there if she gets upset at the "implication" that you think she has BPD.

It's been my limited experience that BPD'ers often reject the premise of having the disease, often for a very long time.  Some get very upset at even the hint of that diagnosis, especially from those closest to them.

Let us know how you're doing from time to time, and come back often.  We're here and you're not alone.

-jyw

[KCat]

Dear Scout,

Dealing with a daughter with BPD is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, including the loss of both my parents - my mother to suicide.  My daughter is 39 and totally believes that she is fine and the problem lies with those whom she deals with.  She refuses any therapy now after having it relating to depression.  There seemed to be no mention of BPD.  She would fly into a rage at the mention that she might have other issues.  My therapist met with us together a number of times and told me she was "textbook borderline".  My own suggestion is to tread lightly with your d. The last thing you would want is for her to blow up and then quit.  I have learned to be "bland" when talking to my d which is being as low key as possible and asking nonthreating questions.  Have you said anything such as " how do you like your therapist?" and then let it go for a while.  I would not mention BPD until you saw how she responded to a number of lesser topics.
This is my own opinion after many years of my unwittingly setting off fireworks!

Hope that this helps.  I have found it very comforting just to know that there are
others who are dealing with this heartbreaking illness.

With thoughts and prayers,

KCat

[Scout206]

Thank you all for your time and insight.   I get so frightened sometimes and it calms me to know that others are dealing with this disease and making it.   I appreciate your support more than I can say.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Scout206

It is possible that your daughter has had a BPD diagnosis, but if she has and she doesn’t want to share it with you, you should leave it at that. At least you know that she is receiving the right treatment, so I would suggest supporting and encouraging her if she will let you.

You are a very caring mother, I can see that, but you can’t always fix things, I used to be like that, always wanting to fix things, now I’m learning not to. I’m sure your son will take an interest when he’s ready, he needs to heal his own hurt first before he can start to think about his sister.

I wish you well x

[Scout206]

Feeling better
Thank you for your input.  I appreciate it very much.
Scout206

[ArleighBurke]

The book "The High Conflict Couple" is a BPD self help book - that never mentions the term BPD. It focusses on behaviour and thinking. Which is what I suspect her therepist is doing - labelling it helps you reasearch it, but other than that it doesn't help HER.

Whenever I talk with my kids (8-14) about theie uBPD mother - I never use the term BPD, or illness or anything else like that. I simply say "mum has <this characteristic>, and <this is what she needs> or <how we can help>".

("Mum often worries about a lot of things. When she does, it can affect other areas of her life. When she yelled at you today for <something minor>, that wasn't an effective communiation technique, but I suspect she is just very worried about <something unrelated in the near future>"