Hi, I'm feeling like the constant villain in a painful relationship.

[letjoux]

Hey, I don't know if people still use this site. But I'm in a relationship I'm conflicted on leaving or staying. I love her, but she constantly makes me feel like I'm the villain. I feel like I sacrifice many parts of what I like to be with her, and she feels shame knowing that too. I don't know where to go, a lot of my friends are hers, and I don't know if they'd believe me or I'd lose them too.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi letjoux

Sorry that you are feelings so confused in your relationship. Could you share an example of something your partner does that makes you feel like a villain?

How long have you been together?

[letjoux]

Hi letjoux

Sorry that you are feelings so confused in your relationship. Could you share an example of something your partner does that makes you feel like a villain?

How long have you been together?

Well, I feel dumb because the recent example may be not as much of a damaging one but we've had a fight about one occasion where I've worked with another girl for my work and I was told I was being overly nice about it, I've then haven't talked to her. However, this last time we talked about it, she told me the only way I've fixed the problem is I've just told her to get over it. Then she blocked me for a few days off everything in her defense to think it over, but I think I just made her feel engulfed. I told her that I've never done anything to upset her, and since then we've 'resolved' the issue. But I know she just didn't want to talk about it anymore. She kept saying I do this stuff all the time, but I seldom work with other female artists. I don't know, I'm honestly just a bit worried what the next thing I do would be upsetting.

[Tattered Heart]

Is it a realistic expectation for you to never work with another female ever again?

Did you do anything wrong in working with this other woman?

pwBPD often view the world through a lens of rejection. They believe that threats are all around them. You work with another woman means you will leave her for that woman. You make a new friend means you will like the new friend better. You get a promotion means you will find a better life without her. Their response to rejection is to get angry at the person who they believe will/is rejecting them.

One way we can talk to our pwBPD when they respond with anger to rejection is to validate their feelings of rejection. Often our knee jerk reaction to their rejection is "I would never do that" or "I love you. THat's not true." But to a pwBPD feelings=facts. So they feel rejected that means we are rejecting them, regardless of the evidence otherwise. And when we tell them that what they are accusing us of isn't true, then we invalidate their reality. To validate the rejection we just let them know that we are listening and hear what they are saying.

Ex:
pwBPD: You were too nice that other woman at work

NonBPD: What are your biggest concerns about me working with another woman?

pwBPD: You're going to leave me for her.

NonBPD: I'm sorry that you worry about that. I've had those worries before too and I felt scared. It's important to me that you feel secure in our relationship because I lcare very much about you. I have projects that require me to work with other women sometimes though. During those time what would help you feel more secure?

Does that make sense?

[letjoux]

Is it a realistic expectation for you to never work with another female ever again?

Did you do anything wrong in working with this other woman?

pwBPD often view the world through a lens of rejection. They believe that threats are all around them. You work with another woman means you will leave her for that woman. You make a new friend means you will like the new friend better. You get a promotion means you will find a better life without her. Their response to rejection is to get angry at the person who they believe will/is rejecting them.

One way we can talk to our pwBPD when they respond with anger to rejection is to validate their feelings of rejection. Often our knee jerk reaction to their rejection is "I would never do that" or "I love you. THat's not true." But to a pwBPD feelings=facts. So they feel rejected that means we are rejecting them, regardless of the evidence otherwise. And when we tell them that what they are accusing us of isn't true, then we invalidate their reality. To validate the rejection we just let them know that we are listening and hear what they are saying.

Ex:
pwBPD: You were too nice that other woman at work

NonBPD: What are your biggest concerns about me working with another woman?

pwBPD: You're going to leave me for her.

NonBPD: I'm sorry that you worry about that. I've had those worries before too and I felt scared. It's important to me that you feel secure in our relationship because I lcare very much about you. I have projects that require me to work with other women sometimes though. During those time what would help you feel more secure?

Does that make sense?

Hey Tattered Heart,

Absolutely. This sounds like the perfect response next time. I really appreciate the advice. Next time I'll let her know that I understand and find ways to make her feel more secure. Thanks a lot!

[waverider]

Keep in mind pwBPD will constantly test us out with out their ambit accusations to see which way we will jump and to elicit reassurances from us. Being overly defensive and bending over to reassure them is what they want, but at the same time it fuels their suspicion that we are "up to something" after all thats what they do when they are covering up.

You have to be careful you are not taught to have to justify everything you do or think... That is the behaviour of a guilty person after all, and you end up feeling guilty, the cycle accelerates.

A self confident person reveals what they believe is fair enough to reveal and doesn't feel obliged to go further. So the more you justify the less self confident you become. it is important to define your boundaries around how far you are willing to justify yourself before it becomes unreasonable.

Remember this reason: "I dont want to do X because it makes me feel uncomfortable, as a result I am not willing to do it"... .FULL STOP no further expansion, or it goes downhill. This statement is the actual truth, it is easy to be consistently applied to many situations, so you are not misleading or deluding anyone, you are not giving away any bricks they can start dismantling. It is simple black and white. pwBPD understand black and white and can respect it as they know where they, and you, stand. Despite all the initial histrionics trying to reverse it, ultimately it will eventually sit better with them, and you. They will get over the blockage as they know exactly where it is.


A pwBPD needs us for the stability we posses which they dont. But if you are not careful they can leech it out of you until you join them in their instability, then you no longer posses what they need. The blame for this instability is then projected onto you, and respect goes out the window as you are no longer seen as an admirable example to look up to.


You cannot completely stop borderline tantrums and often toxic reactions, but you can do a lot to stop it eroding your foundations and sense of self.