I left and don't know how to cope

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been with my husband for seven years. He has not been officially diagnosed as BPD, but the disorder describes him exactly. He also has substance abuse issues, and experiences delusions (believes that our lives are in danger, there are listening devices in the house, there's a conspiracy against him in everything he tries to do, etc.) The delusions started 5 years ago after he used excessive amounts of meth. Even when sober he is unstable emotionally, aggressive, complaining, overly sensitive and critical of me, blames me for everything, expects me to take care of everything, including his well being in all aspects (physically, mentally, emotionally) and he explodes with rage, becoming violent, when very little has happened ( or nothing) to provoke such a reaction. Always, always, his rage is my fault, and he even accused me of provoking him on purpose so I could call the police and get rid of him. Recently he relapsed and began using meth again. The mood swings and delusional behavior increased. He became increasingly more psychotic. I was afraid of losing my child and my job, and I was afraid for my safety and my son's safety. My husband attacked me several times, and the day I left he was driving recklessly with my two year old son in the car. I tried to get my son out but he would not let me. I jumped out and ran and called the police. My husband is in jail for assaulting me, possibly facing prison. I asked the court for a mental evaluation for him, but I don't know if it will do any good. I have not spoken to my husband, even though he calls repeatedly every day. I know that I talk to him it will stress me out. I wanted him to get treatment. I did not want to put him in jail, much less prison. I feel guilty about it, even though it was his behavior that caused this. This relationship has left me feeling insecure, indecisive, worn out, stressed out and constantly worrying about how he would react or perceive the decisions I have made since I left. I am not seeing anyone else. I have not filled for divorce. I find myself still holding out hope that he will get help, though I feel foolish for doing so. I am lost and second guessing myself. I realize that I need therapy myself for the trauma and stress this relationship has caused. Just wanted to talk to someone else who might know how it feels to go through this.

[I Am Redeemed]

I have been with my husband for seven years. He has not been officially diagnosed as BPD, but the disorder describes him exactly. He also has substance abuse issues, and experiences delusions (believes that our lives are in danger, there are listening devices in the house, there's a conspiracy against him in everything he tries to do, etc.) The delusions started 5 years ago after he used excessive amounts of meth. Even when sober he is unstable emotionally, aggressive, complaining, overly sensitive and critical of me, blames me for everything, expects me to take care of everything, including his well being in all aspects (physically, mentally, emotionally) and he explodes with rage, becoming violent, when very little has happened ( or nothing) to provoke such a reaction. Always, always, his rage is my fault, and he even accused me of provoking him on purpose so I could call the police and get rid of him. Recently he relapsed and began using meth again. The mood swings and delusional behavior increased. He became increasingly more psychotic. I was afraid of losing my child and my job, and I was afraid for my safety and my son's safety. My husband attacked me several times, and the day I left he was driving recklessly with my two year old son in the car. I tried to get my son out but he would not let me. I jumped out and ran and called the police. My husband is in jail for assaulting me, possibly facing prison. I asked the court for a mental evaluation for him, but I don't know if it will do any good. I have not spoken to my husband, even though he calls repeatedly every day. I know that I talk to him it will stress me out. I wanted him to get treatment. I did not want to put him in jail, much less prison. I feel guilty about it, even though it was his behavior that caused this. This relationship has left me feeling insecure, indecisive, worn out, stressed out and constantly worrying about how he would react or perceive the decisions I have made since I left. I am not seeing anyone else. I have not filled for divorce. I find myself still holding out hope that he will get help, though I feel foolish for doing so. I am lost and second guessing myself. I realize that I need therapy myself for the trauma and stress this relationship has caused. Just wanted to talk to someone else who might know how it feels to go through this.

[crushedagain]

I don't have any experience at all in your sort of situation, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. It's got to be very traumatic and I think you would benefit greatly from seeing a counselor of some sort, one who's experienced with abused women. I think you should make that a priority. Best of luck to you.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear I Am Redeemed-

I am very sorry for the pain and confusion you're going through during this intensely difficult period.  I'm very glad you found our community and can assure you there are friends here who will understand the mix of very raw emotions you're experiencing, and have been experiencing during your marriage.

I feel the most important things for you to consider at this point are the safety and wellbeing of youself and your child.  You made a very wise decision in leaving when you did.  You already KNOW that.  I am hoping the authorities have put you in touch with proper compassionate domestic violence (DV) people who can assist you in navigating the resources that can truly help you with next steps to regain your balance and keep you safe.  If they have not yet done that, please ask for the DV help.

While your caring nature is taking you to the place of hoping your husband is receiving the help HE needs, your primary focus really has to be on caring for yourself and your baby.  That is NOT being selfish... .please know that.

Please also know, and this is vital... .you are NOT responsible for your husband's BPD traits, his addiction issues, his rages, his violence, or for "fixing" what is broken in him.  All of those traits were in him years before you ever met.  You are NOT any of the names he has called you.  You love/loved your husband the best you could.

Sometimes these relationships are so damaging and so potentially dangerous, that there is no choice but to leave.

Again, It is now time for you to care for yourself and your two-year old baby.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, but in time you WILL heal.   Perhaps just a few quiet days will be a good start for you... .just breathe and perhaps contemplate an easier life.  And when you're ready, you can begin looking through the tools on this board that will help you.

Please tell close family and friends what is happening.  Believe me, it's not good to keep this type of trauma secret from those closest to you (people you trust).

We are here to provide whatever support you need, so please feel confident in sharing anything and everything you need to say... .venting is fine.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[I Am Redeemed]

Thank you, gemsforeyes and crushedagain. It helps to just know that I can talk to someone who doesn't judge me or think something is wrong with me for loving someone who is mentally ill.

[I Am Redeemed]

Incidentally, R. is NOT my real name. Some of you were concerned that I used my real name. Please be assured that I did not. Thanks again everyone.

[Missingpieces17]

Hi I Am Redeemed,

I understand some of what you're experiencing although for me it never reached full-blown physical assault, only biting, scratching, physical intimidation and there's no child involved so I sympathize with the difficulty of your situation. I'll reiterate something it always helps me to hear: you are not responsible for his well-being. It's so hard to remove ourselves from those we love when we can feel the pain they're in. And harder said than done, but try to focus on healing your own pain rather than his. If that makes you feel selfish (as it has me in the past), remember that you're a human being that is entitled to happiness and we only get one life to live. I ask myself, do I want to spend anymore of that time putting someone else's needs before my own.

I also commend you for your strength because simply making the decision to remove yourself and your child from that life was a huge step and certainly not an easy one. I think the fact that you're still worrying about how he perceives the decisions you've made is another symptom of being in a relationship where you're forced to put someone else's feelings before you're own. I agree that therapy would be a great help to you. Hang in there!