Final straw -- I'm done

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am so relieved to hear your latest updates!

One more thing -- have a locksmith out tomorrow to change the locks on the house.

If your wife is on the mortgage, she has the right to access the house ... .but that doesn't mean you are required to give her a key or to let her in at any other than "mutually acceptable times." Your L can confirm this. She's volatile and a flight risk with your son ... .so control some of the chaos by cutting off her free access to the house.

[flourdust]

I am so relieved to hear your latest updates!

One more thing -- have a locksmith out tomorrow to change the locks on the house.

If your wife is on the mortgage, she has the right to access the house ... .but that doesn't mean you are required to give her a key or to let her in at any other than "mutually acceptable times." Your L can confirm this. She's volatile and a flight risk with your son ... .so control some of the chaos by cutting off her free access to the house.

[empath]

I'm in a support group for women who have experienced domestic violence. About a year or so ago, the husband of one of our members died by suicide. He was highly emotional and unstable, like some of the spouses here, and had a lot of similarities to my own husband.

The most dangerous time is when the spouse or partner leaves. Some of the warning signs of very bad things happening include history of emotional or mental illness and suicidal threats. We had a teaching session on it, and I couldn't help thinking that many of the warning signs were also associated with pwBPD.

I'm so happy to hear that you were able to get your S5 back at home with you. Take it step by step. I know it's different from what you would normally do, but this is not a normal situation. Getting help from professionals outside is very wise at this point.

[Radcliff]

prof, you nailed it today!  Bravo    Damn, you have your eye on the ball.  Good show.

Let us know how things are going with the EPO/TPO.  If/when you get a restraining order, standard practice is to give a copy to your son's school.  It might be a good idea to swing by tomorrow to have a conversation with the principal, just to let him or her know what's going on.  Two reasons -- first, it helps set the relationship up in a good way to give them a calm heads up.  Second, if it takes a day or two to get the restraining order, there's a chance that out of goodwill, the school will stall and give you a call if your wife shows up to pick S5 up.

It is natural to worry about the potential impacts of this on S5, and how you might explain it to him.  One therapist I spoke to about this topic said that one approach is to simply wait until the child asks questions, that they will ask for what they are ready to hear.  A more proactive approach is possible as well.  But while you may worry about that, by far the most important thing is to just continue what you've been doing -- being his positive, stable parent, meeting his needs for food, sleep, love, attention, etc.  Read to him, play with him, all the normal stuff.

In the last 48 hours, you have done a fantastic job.  Keep up the good work!

Keep us posted!

WW

[prof]

Thanks everyone for your support!

S5 and I are now back in our home.  After I got him, we spent a few hours hanging out with some family who lived nearby.  I had actually bailed on them over Christmas when I ran away, so it was good seeing them.

I learned a little more about uBPDw's condition.  She's in the ICU, and will very likely be placed into a psychiatric facility after that.  So I should have some time to get things in order before she's out and about.

L was busy in court today, but got back to me this evening.  We're meeting tomorrow to begin filing.

At our consultation yesterday, he recommended against a TPO at this stage.  He said that judges in this part of the state tend to give men who petition for one a funny look.

[formflier]

Good having and L with local knowledge.

Can you call hospital and make sure that if she is going to be discharged that YOU get a call.

Is there anything you can do to insure she gets inpatient for a while?  Have you discussed this with L?

Remember about locksmith... or get your own locks and swap them... .check window locks... etc etc.

Keep up good work.

FF

[prof]

uBPDw has been medically cleared from the ICU and will be transferred to a psychiatric facility this afternoon/evening.  Should be there 3 - 5 days.

That gives me a few days of calm before the impending storm.  I'm meeting my L here in a couple hours.

I told my dean today that I was about to go through a divorce.  My L mentioned it was a good idea to make him aware, especially of the possibility that there might be inflated accusations of abuse.  I don't know what I'll do if I lose my job over this... .

[Radcliff]

I told my dean today that I was about to go through a divorce.  My L mentioned it was a good idea to make him aware, especially of the possibility that there might be inflated accusations of abuse.  I don't know what I'll do if I lose my job over this... .

That's good that you told your dean.  In these situations, it's hard to know what to tell someone -- what's enough but not too much.  With a boss, my natural inclination is to withhold info, though I don't think that's always worked out well for me.  The basic facts often tell the story.  She assaulted you while you were calling 911, she attempted to commit suicide, and she is now on a psych hold.  Pretty clearly you're a guy dealing with a real problem.  If you are also showing respect for your wife, concern for your son, and concern for the needs of your students and colleagues, it makes a good impression. 

If you think your dean is likely to have good advice about handling work demands effectively in the middle of a family crisis, you might ask him or her for advice.  Or find a senior member of the faculty to look to for mentorship.  A bonus is if you find a mentor who your boss also knows and respects.  You might feel a little more comfortable being vulnerable with the mentor than with your boss, and your mentor can give witness to your diligent efforts to navigate the situation.

Do you have a colleague or teaching assistants who can back you up for time sensitive things like missing lectures or grading exams?

Finally, if there are aspects of your job that give you joy and energy, don't let them go while servicing the demands of the family situation.  The family situation and the "urgent" parts of your job will scream the loudest, but the "joy" parts will help sustain you, and will also help keep you from being too myopic at work focusing only on urgent needs and not attending to the whole picture.

uBPDw has been medically cleared from the ICU and will be transferred to a psychiatric facility this afternoon/evening.  Should be there 3 - 5 days.

That gives me a few days of calm before the impending storm.

Do you think you can effectively keep her living somewhere else, or might you end up under the same roof?

WW

[savreina]

Has anyone been able to heal & completely let go? I think yesterday was it for me, all of blame being put on to me, things that I didn’t have anything to do with. Being cussed at like I was a random person, constantly being blocked & emotionally abused. I did something I’ve never done before & blocked her number & blocked her from everywhere. Will she know that she finally went too far?

[prof]

That's good that you told your dean.  In these situations, it's hard to know what to tell someone -- what's enough but not too much.  With a boss, my natural inclination is to withhold info, though I don't think that's always worked out well for me.  The basic facts often tell the story.  She assaulted you while you were calling 911, she attempted to commit suicide, and she is now on a psych hold.  Pretty clearly you're a guy dealing with a real problem.  If you are also showing respect for your wife, concern for your son, and concern for the needs of your students and colleagues, it makes a good impression. 

If you think your dean is likely to have good advice about handling work demands effectively in the middle of a family crisis, you might ask him or her for advice.  Or find a senior member of the faculty to look to for mentorship.  A bonus is if you find a mentor who your boss also knows and respects.  You might feel a little more comfortable being vulnerable with the mentor than with your boss, and your mentor can give witness to your diligent efforts to navigate the situation.

Great advice -- thanks!

Do you have a colleague or teaching assistants who can back you up for time sensitive things like missing lectures or grading exams?

Yeah -- we have a nice small department and work together really well.  They already stepped in yesterday when I had to go home to let the deputies in when uBPDw overdosed.

Finally, if there are aspects of your job that give you joy and energy, don't let them go while servicing the demands of the family situation.  The family situation and the "urgent" parts of your job will scream the loudest, but the "joy" parts will help sustain you, and will also help keep you from being too myopic at work focusing only on urgent needs and not attending to the whole picture.

More great advice -- thank you!

Do you think you can effectively keep her living somewhere else, or might you end up under the same roof?

Yes, actually.  I had a 2-hour meeting with my L this afternoon.  He drafted a petition to grant me temporary custody of S5 and of our house and will present it to the judge tomorrow.  If she shows up, I can call 911.

He also asked me to be honest with her family about my plans, and to ask them two things:

• Can one of them take over as the hospital's contact person?
• Can they help arrange for her accommodations after her release?

I'm procrastinating from contacting them (it's terrifying!), but I need to soon.

S5 and I had pizza tonight to celebrate a return to (relative) normalcy.

[prof]

Has anyone been able to heal & completely let go? I think yesterday was it for me, all of blame being put on to me, things that I didn’t have anything to do with. Being cussed at like I was a random person, constantly being blocked & emotionally abused. I did something I’ve never done before & blocked her number & blocked her from everywhere.

When I've blocked my uBPDw, it felt so good to escape from her drama, even for just a little bit.

Will she know that she finally went too far?

Honestly, I'd be surprised if she does.  More likely, if she's anything like my uBPDw, I would expect her to become more angry that you blocked her in the first place.

[formflier]

Prof,

So... petition gets presented today?

Are there a couple options for people to call in her family?  Perhaps you can post about them here... .perhaps we can help sort it out?  Are there any in her family that appear "non-disordered" (not sure how to put that... )

The following suggestions/ideas are a bit random.

1.  When S5 is not around.  Can you pack up some of your wife's stuff, things that she will need for a couple weeks.  Perhaps you can get it to her family somehow.  Goal being minimizing chances of her "honestly needing" to be back in house soon after release.

2.  Locks on doors, checking window locks.

3.  I've got a picture that your place is kinda rural (am I right?).  Do you have private drive?  Gate?  No trespass signs?

4.  Foster kittens status.

5.  Password on your bank account?

6.  Does somebody need to be "appointed" to care for your wife's finances?  Does she get disability or other check like that?

7.  T for you.  T for your son.

8.  Does the principal at your child's school know?  Does your child's teacher know?  I would think that once there is a signed copy of the order that they should get a copy.

9.  Security of outbuildings/garages and other things not attached or providing access to the house.

10.  Does she have her purse, keys and such.  Where is her car?  (I'm assuming there are two... with the slashed tire and all). 

11.  If you have access to her car, now is the time to give it a good looking through. 

12.  If you have access to her keys... make sure no keys are on there for your car.

Hang in there man.  Fingers crossed that the judge grants your petition. 

FF

[savreina]

So last night my ex texted me I unblocked her number... like an idiot & she sent me 3 pictures one describing the characteristics of an Aquarius (me) & of course everything was negative and the next picture was describing cancers (her) everything was nice & perfect for her description & of course when I replied “that’s not an accurate description of me, she never freaking replied... like what was the point in texting me?

[prof]

So... petition gets presented today?

Yes.  My L wasn't sure which judge is working these cases this week, and one of the possibilities takes Fridays off.  So worst case is that it's sitting on his desk and will be dealt with on Monday.  Either way, my L said to call 911 and call him if uBPDw shows up.

Are there a couple options for people to call in her family?  Perhaps you can post about them here... .perhaps we can help sort it out?  Are there any in her family that appear "non-disordered" (not sure how to put that... )

Yes.  My L already suggested that I contact them, be upfront about the upcoming divorce, and ask them to help uBPDw after she gets out of the hospital.  He said it will look much better to the court if I've taken these steps, and not just left her to live on the streets.

I've drafted texts to each of them and plan on sending them in a couple hours.  (Two of them live 2 time zones away -- too early to send now I think.)

The family members I plan on contacting are:

• Her dad.  He lives two time zones away, but has flown out here several times to help when uBPDw was getting surgery or traveling to visit specialists.  He doesn't have a ton of resources, but he clearly loves his daughter and I think is likely to do what he can to help.  He has some mental problems himself (uBPDw claims schizoaffective disorder), but generally seems to have a good head on him unless you bring up religion or politics... .
• Her sister.  She lives in the same city as their dad.  She and uBPDw both hate and love each other to death, and are always either constantly talking to one another or blocking each other on social media... .  Her resources are also limited, and she's going through marital problems of her own.  But she obviously cares deeply for uBPDw's well-being.  She wanted to stay on the phone with me the other morning after I let the deputies in when she overdosed and pray.  I imagine she'd take more of an advisory/supportive from afar role.
• Her stepmom (dad's ex-wife).  She's the closest -- only one state away.  About a 7 hour drive.  She also has limited resources, but definitely cares for uBPDw and is in the best position to actually physically get here.

The following suggestions/ideas are a bit random.

1.  When S5 is not around.  Can you pack up some of your wife's stuff, things that she will need for a couple weeks.  Perhaps you can get it to her family somehow.  Goal being minimizing chances of her "honestly needing" to be back in house soon after release.

I've had this same thought.  I'll work on packing some essentials this weekend.

2.  Locks on doors, checking window locks.

Good call.  Right now I have all her keys.  But I also plan on changing our locks back to the original locks that were there when we moved in.  (uBPDw demanded we change the locks after her weed dealer and boyfriend stayed with us last summer.  I've been planning on changing them back for a while, as we rent and I doubt the landlord would be happy.)

3.  I've got a picture that your place is kinda rural (am I right?).  Do you have private drive?  Gate?  No trespass signs?

Yeah, we're out in the middle of nowhere.  It's not a farm or anything, but a very wooded neighborhood near a lake.  The closest town is 15 minutes away.  There are a number of other houses within eyeshot.  No private drive, gate, or no trespass signs.

4.  Foster kittens status.

Five of them are going away tomorrow to a new home.  That will leave us with 3.  I'll inquire tomorrow when I meet with the cat rescue ladies about what to do with them.

5.  Password on your bank account?

Changed.

6.  Does somebody need to be "appointed" to care for your wife's finances?  Does she get disability or other check like that?

She currently has no income.  She applied for disability a few months ago, but was denied.  I imagine this is something else her family might be able to help her with.

7.  T for you.  T for your son.

I've been seeing a T already for a couple years.  Fortunately, I just happened to have an appointment scheduled for Monday.  I'll ask him about S5.

8.  Does the principal at your child's school know?  Does your child's teacher know?  I would think that once there is a signed copy of the order that they should get a copy.

I did speak to his teacher this morning.  My L already told me to get them a copy of the order once it's ready.

9.  Security of outbuildings/garages and other things not attached or providing access to the house.

We have a large shed out back we use for storage.  It's locked, and I have all the keys.

10.  Does she have her purse, keys and such.  Where is her car?  (I'm assuming there are two... with the slashed tire and all). 

She has nothing right now except the clothes she was wearing the ambulance and her glasses, which I dropped off at the hospital yesterday.  I'm bringing her some more clothing this afternoon.  I have her purse, keys, phone, etc.

Her car is parked in our driveway.

11.  If you have access to her car, now is the time to give it a good looking through. 

Good call.

12.  If you have access to her keys... make sure no keys are on there for your car.

She actually lost her keychain weeks ago.  She's been using our spare housekey and my copy of her car key since then, both of which I have.  Unless she just "lost" the keychain and has it hidden somewhere, which I doubt, then she has no access to my car.

Hang in there man.  Fingers crossed that the judge grants your petition.

Thanks!  My L is very optimistic.  He said the the suicide attempt and leaving S5 in the custody of her friend out of the court's jurisdiction made things very favorable for us.


uBPDw has been transferred out of ICU and is now in the mental hospital about an hour away from where we live and 30 min from where I work and S5 goes to school.

She called this morning asking for some clothing.  I'll be bringing that to her after class this afternoon.  She also repeatedly told me how much she loved me and how much she wanted to still work on things.  I did eventually respond that I loved her too, but tried to steer the conversation toward the clothing.

She also mentioned that I'll be asked to come to family therapy.  I don't want to do this.

Should I tell her that I'm divorcing her?  Or wait until she's served?  I'm telling her family soon, so they may tell her anyway.

Should I say anything to S5 yet?  All he knows is that his mom is sick and is in the hospital.  However, I talk to my dad on the phone a lot, and he may have overheard something.  I try to be relatively vague when S5 could be listening, though.

[formflier]

I'm going to give my opinion here... .take it for what it is worth.  

I don't think you tell her or tell her family about any sort of "final status".  I think that is supported by the general advice on bpdfamily to not say anything until the paperwork is all done and literally ready to be handed over.

I think you should focus on the family members a couple time zones away.  I think you should focus on trying to get her there and plugged into mental health services there.  That should reduce expenses (live with Dad) and it gets physical space.

I think you should offer to pay expenses to get her there.  All you are asking of the family members is a place to stay and support.

If they ask about the future.

"Well... .this is obviously a very serious matter that I need to give a lot of thought to.  My short term focus needs to be stabilizing the life of S5 and I ... .AND stabilizing my wife's life.  I can't do both with us living together.  I just can't."

I think this should make intuitive sense.

I also think you should text first (something short, and then most of the talk and explain on the phone, then follow up text/email with highlights of what you talked about.)

I'm not trying to influence you to divorce or not divorce your wife.  I think you are on a reasonable path.   I think that once you start tossing out the D word... .it will be like fuel on fire.  I would like you to have distance between you first (and the judges order).

Thoughts?

I'll cut this post here.

[formflier]

When does your current lease end?

Perhaps you could take the old locks to Lowes or Home Depot and get them rekeyed.

I get it that you "likely" have all the keys... .I would feel much better if we were sure. 

Waking up in middle night to someone in your house (upset pwBPD) is not a place you want to be.

If you have old locks and the keys... .which it seems like you do... .this should be pretty cheap.  Even if you have to go to locksmith and have them do it at their shop.

Get plenty of new keys.

FF

[prof]

I'm going to give my opinion here... .take it for what it is worth.  

I don't think you tell her or tell her family about any sort of "final status".  I think that is supported by the general advice on bpdfamily to not say anything until the paperwork is all done and literally ready to be handed over.

I really appreciate your opinion, FF.  However, I went ahead and took my L's advice and was completely honest about my intentions for divorce.  (I've already contacted them.)

I think you should focus on the family members a couple time zones away.  I think you should focus on trying to get her there and plugged into mental health services there.  That should reduce expenses (live with Dad) and it gets physical space.

I think you should offer to pay expenses to get her there.  All you are asking of the family members is a place to stay and support.

This is a good idea, and likely what uBPDw would want anyway.

If they ask about the future.

"Well... .this is obviously a very serious matter that I need to give a lot of thought to.  My short term focus needs to be stabilizing the life of S5 and I ... .AND stabilizing my wife's life.  I can't do both with us living together.  I just can't."

I think this should make intuitive sense.

Great stuff - thank you!

I also think you should text first (something short, and then most of the talk and explain on the phone, then follow up text/email with highlights of what you talked about.)

This is exactly what I did.  No response yet from any of them.

[prof]

When does your current lease end?

It's month-to-month.

Perhaps you could take the old locks to Lowes or Home Depot and get them rekeyed.

I get it that you "likely" have all the keys... .I would feel much better if we were sure. 

Waking up in middle night to someone in your house (upset pwBPD) is not a place you want to be.

If you have old locks and the keys... .which it seems like you do... .this should be pretty cheap.  Even if you have to go to locksmith and have them do it at their shop.

Get plenty of new keys.

Yeah, this is a good idea.  I'll change the locks this weekend.  Like you said, it is pretty cheap and easy.

[formflier]

Month to month is good.

I'm getting way out ahead of myself here... .but something to think about.

Why do you live where you do?  If your wife is out of the picture (for months or... ?) would you live there? 

How long is drive to your sons school?

How long is drive to your work?

If wife isn't in picture for months (or longer) does that add drive time to childcare?


Is your wife on the current lease?

Going forward, there would be lots of clarity of boundaries if there was a new location that works for you and YOU are the only adult on the lease.

Now... .if YOU love living at your current location... then forget all this.  But... .(me included) many of us nons end up living places that our pwBPD "want" or "have to live" and we just kinda make do.

FF

[prof]

Month to month is good.

I'm getting way out ahead of myself here... .but something to think about.

Why do you live where you do?  If your wife is out of the picture (for months or... ?) would you live there? 

It was the closest place we could find while doing an online/telephone search from our previous home (a day's drive away) when I got my current job that would take all of our pets.

How long is drive to your sons school?

How long is drive to your work?

35ish minutes (his school is a couple blocks from campus)

If wife isn't in picture for months (or longer) does that add drive time to childcare?

Most days, my teaching schedule coincides perfectly with his school schedule.  On days when I have a faculty or L meeting in the afternoon, I just pay a little extra for afterschool daycare at the same facility, so it works out perfectly.

Is your wife on the current lease?

Yes.

Going forward, there would be lots of clarity of boundaries if there was a new location that works for you and YOU are the only adult on the lease.

Now... .if YOU love living at your current location... then forget all this.  But... .(me included) many of us nons end up living places that our pwBPD "want" or "have to live" and we just kinda make do.

Oh absolutely.  My ideal end result is to find a place very close to campus with little or no pets.

[formflier]

Direct question:

Are you the pet lover or is it your wife?

Would you be happy with a place that had you and S5 in it (and a goldfish in a bowl to teach him responsibility)


How long have you been at current location?

So... confirm... 35 minutes each way?  1 hour 10 minutes commute each day?

is the current place affordable?  Think you can find affordable 10 minutes from his school?

What would you do if you had an extra hour each day to focus on your r/s with S5?

FF

[prof]

First response from a family member.  The sister got religious on me and asked if I'd keep them from ever seeing S5... . Hoping the dad and stepmom are more constructive.

[prof]

Direct question:

Are you the pet lover or is it your wife?

I love cats, but honestly would be happiest right now with zero pets.  uBPDw begged and pleaded me for each and every animal in our house right now.  This was always accompanied by a promise to take a greater role in their care.  However, that never actually happened... .

Would you be happy with a place that had you and S5 in it (and a goldfish in a bowl to teach him responsibility)

Absolutely!

How long have you been at current location?

2.5 years

So... confirm... 35 minutes each way?  1 hour 10 minutes commute each day?

Yes, exactly.

is the current place affordable?  Think you can find affordable 10 minutes from his school?

Yes and yes.  The college town is in a similarly rural area, so the cost of living is similar.

What would you do if you had an extra hour each day to focus on your r/s with S5?

That would be glorious!  The only good thing about my commute is all the NPR I listen to... .  Plus it's really pretty.

[Radcliff]

prof, I'm glad to hear of the positive progress.  Keep up the good work! 

WW

[formflier]

That would be glorious!  The only good thing about my commute is all the NPR I listen to... .  Plus it's really pretty.

So... .I'm obviously "pushing" to find time to devote to S5 and things other than a commute.   That being said, sometimes commutes can be a "break" and help you switch your mind from work to home. 

I would certainly give it some thought, rather than assuming less commute is better.

I think I have a good sense of who you are and I get the sense that S5 is a "bonus" in your life and your pwBPD (and her antics) are a source of anxiety and perhaps a reason to have a commute to "shift gears".

Anyway... .again I may be ahead of myself here... but something to start thinking about so that your decisions about where you live and your daily activities with S5 are deliberate... vice reactive.

FF

[formflier]

So... .the first family member didn't go so well.

Can you give us some he said she said.  Perhaps we can help prep for future phone calls.

What was said via text and via phone?

Were you surprised by the conversation or is this par for the course?

FF

[prof]

So... .I'm obviously "pushing" to find time to devote to S5 and things other than a commute.   That being said, sometimes commutes can be a "break" and help you switch your mind from work to home. 

I would certainly give it some thought, rather than assuming less commute is better.

I think I have a good sense of who you are and I get the sense that S5 is a "bonus" in your life and your pwBPD (and her antics) are a source of anxiety and perhaps a reason to have a commute to "shift gears".

Anyway... .again I may be ahead of myself here... but something to start thinking about so that your decisions about where you live and your daily activities with S5 are deliberate... vice reactive.

I've actually been thinking about this exact thing a long time.  I've fantasized about leaving uBPDw almost since we got together... .

My goal is definitely to move close to campus.  Ideally, I'm there by the time S5 starts kindergarten next fall.

[prof]

So... .the first family member didn't go so well.

Can you give us some he said she said.  Perhaps we can help prep for future phone calls.

What was said via text and via phone?

There were 3 texts from uBPDw's sister.  Their essence:

• I will be judged by God for leaving my marriage.
• I am a coward for asking her family to help figure out what happens after she gets out instead of taking care of it myself.
• I am overconfident about the final result of the divorce, as I am the abusive one.

She only asked one question -- whether I would keep S5 from them.  I responded that it was not my intention to keep him from his family.  I didn't respond to anything else.

Were you surprised by the conversation or is this par for the course?

Eh, kind of surprised but not really.  uBPDw's sister knows exactly how difficult she is.  She actually told me point blank right before our wedding that I didn't have to go through with it.  So she totally gets why I would want to divorce her sister.

She also has some issues herself.  She threw a chair at uBPDw when they were younger.  A few summers ago when uBPDw and I were in town visiting her family, one of our arguments got upstaged when her sister held a knife to her husband's throat.

As I mentioned above, she's having her own marital issues.  Her husband drinks every night and falls asleep at his desk in their study instead of coming to bed.  Even though this is the second marriage for both of them, they're committed to staying together for religious reasons.  So I'd imagine that hearing that uBPDw is about to go through a divorce probably brings up some pretty raw stuff for her.


uBPDw's dad also responded later.  He was much more matter of fact.  "Where is uBPDw at?  :)o I need to know a PIN number to call?"  I answered both questions and never heard back.



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