I cant trust him with money, my heart, or with any adult responsibility.

[Mrb87]

My BPDbf is gonna make another mistake again, the same cycle of mistakes which he will complain about later on. Hes about to quit his job AGAIN because it wasn't working out for him. The relationship with his boss was messed up by him, so to fix that problem he will quit AGAIN. It the same story each and every time, he will repeat that same cycle without noticing any of his mistakes.  Then once he quits he does something drastic like spend a whole lot of money to make people thing he didn't need the job in the first place and he has money and he better than them( then he puts himself down right after). Once the money has been spent and reality hits as he falls behind on bills, cant eat, and cant go out or afford to do laundry. He begins to blame God and his family for all the bad luck hes been going through. It becomes every ones fault why he cant be normal and the tantrums start. When he goes into jobs he has the habit of putting everyone down and trying to stand up to the boss( idk y he does this. i have pointed this out to him and told him to stop.) This time hes quitting his job because his boss is a idiot(same exact reason y the pass 4 jobs within 3 yrs didnt work) . Every single day i have been hearing mixed things about his boss, his opinion about changes from hr to hr. At first his boss was the one to restore hope to his life and bring him back to his old self. Then his boss was a idiot, he doesn't listen to me, he thinks i'm lying, then is would go back to he has a good heart, i know he can help me i'm putting my faith in him, hes gonna do it, hes gonna bring me back to my old self that ive wanted you to meet. Then back to calling him a idiot within in the same day. Now hes quitting because the guy let him down. He has barely saved up money and the money he has should be put towards his serious debt. Instead he is gonna book a trip to Hawaii. Which will cost him at least $4000. He was looking for me to validate that he deserves this trip but i did not enable his reasons for trying to do it. Hes says hes worked whole 3 months and deserves this. Before that hes been out of work from june-november. He knows i will not help him money wise when he gets into trouble because i've already been there and done that and have learned my lesson. We had to make it a rule in the relationship (no more gift giving) because i was giving the entire relationship and he only got me 2 small gifts compared to the 100 of gifts ive given to make it seem like a normal happy relationship. i had to stop because i realized im being cheated on, pushed away, lied to and treated rudely and that deserves not reward. so i no long help him out money wise. But anyway i did give him the validation he wanted and he became off-ish toward me. The only response i gave him was "idk well if r u able to do it go ahead ". Like ive said this isnt the first time hes done this. He puts many vacations on credit cards or uses rent money to go on trip with out thinking about the same consequences that knock him down right after it happen.  Its shocking how somebody would pick to go on a 5 day vacation that will set them back 2 to 3 years in all there debts, leave them hungry everyday, with unwashed clothes and unable to enjoy life. Once his mind is set on spending big money on vacation there no talking him down. When i didn't fight him on it he says "idk im just gonna have to face everything and come up with something once i get back." hes way behind on taxes, rent and credit card bills. Hes 32.5 years old with only a high school diploma and it is very hard for him get a job. it would be better for him to use whatever money he has to learn a trade like plumber, electrician, or bartender( something hes dreamed about becoming). which probably isnt the right place for him because he uses alcohol and drugs to solve his problems also but he knows liquors very well. But he just continues to find some kind of way to set himself back and wonders why i dont even look at having a real future with him because he destroying himself everyday right before my eyes. I cant trust him with money, my heart, or with any adult responsibility. Any suggestion on the situation?

[Insom]

Hi, Mrb87!   

Thanks for writing. I can relate very much how frustrating it feels to care about someone who is in self-destructive mode.  What is your current living situation?  Are you two living together and dependent on each other for financial stability?  Or are you independent enough where you get to feel safe/OK about finances even when things aren't going well on his end?

[Mrb87]

Thanks for reading. All our money is separate and we live in different apartments. He wants to move in together or for me to take over the lease on his apt but I strongly declined that offer . He knows I can’t trust him like that. What becomes frustrating about this situation is that he will complain about the  issues  that he created and he fail to see that there’s a cycle and he the common denominator in every situation.  I’ve  tried warning him about his cycle before but when I did that I became apart of the idiots and I  didn’t know anything and was holding him back. So I learn my lesson to only listen and watch him destroy himself(i also warned him the same thing will happen again in the next job he has because he doesn’t know how to have a good relationship with ppl)(I suggested jobs where he doesn’t have to talk to others but he’s still active and he’s turned every suggestion down saying he’s better than that). Also instead of getting some type of therapy/help to manage his BPD he rather run from talking about it & give me the excuse I DONT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO AFFORD THERAPY FOR MY “depression aka BPD  “ then contradicts himself. It’s so sad.  I just spoke with him on the phone and he says over and over again “ life is such a shame” “ I’m just wasting my life away” “ I have no talents” “why is life like this””my life sucks” “ I can’t sleep” some of these maybe a mixture of manipulation because he wants something but it’s still veryyyy sad/confusing.

[Mrb87]

So I’m talking on the phone with him right now and guess what? He calls me and tells me he purchased 3 photographs from a guy who was walking down the street selling “expensive photographs for office buildings. He said the man didn’t know how much they were worth there actual price was $120 each. The man said since he had extra of the pictures that would fit into the office his boss sent him out on the streets to get rid of them. When the guy walked past him with the box he recognized the boxes they were packaged in. They were the same boxes from his old corporate job (he said he wanted to steal it from his old job after he was fired but he was escorted out of the building so he couldn’t) and knew how much they were worth. So he tricked the guy into buying the photos off of him for $30 ea. Totaling to $90.  Omg I can’t make this stuff uppppppppppp. Then he says he bought the photos now he will lock/hide them because he doesn’t know how to sale them and HE DOESNT KNOW HOW MUCH THE PHOTOS ARE WORTH. Then he say “I know u r confused right now b/c it sounds like I bought them for no reason.” While he’s telling me this story he’s studdering and fumbling threw  his words making it sound extremely awkward, unbelievable, weird, and uncomfortable.  First he asked me how my day was then before I could get my answer out he jumps into that story.  help

[Insom]

It sounds like you are feeling fed up.

Any suggestion on the situation?

What do you think?  Do you know what you want out of this relationship?

[Mrb87]

I am fed up and pretty much I want the opposite of everything in a BPD relationship . He calls me yesterday to tell me he isn’t sleeping good at alll because he doesn’t have sheet and it really cold at night also his pillows are very flat and he can’t get comfortable. So I reply ok buy some bedding material with ur money or sell one of the $120 photo u bought for $30 ea getting sleep is really important. He says “nahhhh my money is already counted for I’ll figure something out” 2 mins later “wowggg I wish I could sleep I hate this bed”. I don’t get it

[Insom]

I am fed up and pretty much I want the opposite of everything in a BPD relationship .

Ha!  Yes, I can relate.  So, what's keeping you in?

[Mrb87]

That image I had in my mind before I knew he had BPD. What’s holds or held u back in ur relationship?

[Insom]

Hmm . . . My relationship with person with BPD felt addictive.  I knew early on that there was something different about it.  (It felt either special-different in a cinematic way, or wrong-different depending on how I looked at it.)  Initially this was interesting but over time things turned dark.  Eventually I had to leave. 

What is the image you had?  How did finding out he has BPD change that?

[Mrb87]

The image I had in my mind was what he described himself to be online before meeting him. He described himself to be smart, caring, drama free/simple, outgoing, loyal/trusting, believed in a monogamous relationship, and wanting to build a future. He was able to fake what he described online for a month until his true colors began to show. I noticed many things off about him the were strange but he would apologize but do it right over again. Or contradict himself really bad with the characteristics he used described about himself online. Also I would ignore things and would hiding his mistake when out or around friends which wasn't good because it enabled him to keep doing wrong. What kept me in the relationship so long is I was waiting for that person he described to me online to magically come back and show himself but it never did. He claims it was destroyed by God and others in his life before me. I now know that that part of him never exist and will never exist. I told him this face to face as well. It's not fair to me because I was actually look for a real relationship and came in to it the way I describe myself online and respected him every step of the way only to be treated like garbage. I didn't go on the dating site to adopt a emotionally disturbed teenage son to raise for my whole life. This is why I keep things separate now in order to protect myself. I've set up boundary now and he nknows I will follow through on  them if I am disrespected again. Also when I it time to break up with him I have to find a safe way of doing that. And I haven't figured that part out yet.

[Mrb87]

The image I had in my mind was what he described himself to be online before meeting him. He described himself to be smart, caring, drama free/simple, outgoing, loyal/trusting, believed in a monogamous relationship, and wanting to build a future. He was able to fake what he described online for a month until his true colors began to show. I noticed many things off about him the were strange but he would apologize but do it right over again. Or contradict himself really bad with the characteristics he used described about himself online. What kept me in the relationship so long is I was waiting for that person he described to me online to magically come back and show himself but it never did. He claims it was destroyed by God and others in his life before me. I now know that that part of him never exist and will never exist. I told him this face to face as well. It's not fair to me because I was actually look for a real relationship and came in to it the way I describe myself online and respected him every step of the way only to be treated like garbage. I didn't go on the dating site to adopt a emotionally disturbed teenage son to raise for my whole life. This is way I keep things separate now in order to protect myself. I've set up boundary now and he nknows I will follow through on  them if I am disrespected again. Also when I it time to break up with him I have to find a safe way of doing that. And I haven't figured that part out yet.

[Insom]

I now know that that part of him never exist and will never exist.

I remember when I had a similar thought.  I call it my "aha moment" when I realized the relationship was something different than what I initially thought it was. 

This is way I keep things separate now in order to protect myself. I've set up boundary now and he nknows I will follow through on  them if I am disrespected again. Also when I it time to break up with him I have to find a safe way of doing that.

Do you feel unsafe?  What is your biggest concern?

[Mrb87]

I feel like he will try to drag my name throughout the mud like his ex. Everything he described his ex of doing to him it was actually what he did to the ex. I later found out the ex had to get a restraining order against him. He will flip stories or try to force his way back into my life. Which I don't understand why he does. Every time I give him the option to be single so he won't have to cheat and lie or hide.  he chooses to stay with me and still tries to cheat and lie and hide things. My fear is that he will ruin my next relationship.

[formflier]

Do you want to be in a relationship where your partner cheats, lies and hides things?

FF

[Mrb87]

Of course not. As of now while hes with me i am on my last straw and will not stand for any form of  disrespect in that way. Before i was trying to be Mr. Positive fix it and try to understand his pain/where it was coming from, now i'm at the point of if i feel disrespected again i leave and im not trying to work on anything. I know now and ive said this to him straight up there is a verrrrrry very very very slim chance ( 0% chance) of him working on his BPD issues/ owning up to it. Because he scared of confronting the real him (which i know who he really is by going through a old cell phone he had hidden) he wont bring that to the surface that pain will be over looked and buried forever because hes even scared of that him (it sad). so it will only be pass on to the next victim after me. Before i thought the problem was because of me and i was doing something wrong (and i did nothing to him but support/but really unknowingly enable) and the people in his past but i now know that he is the cause of all these problems with every relationship he encounters whether it be romantic, friends or work related. And i know when he moves forward he'll just become the next persons burden. So i'm not worried about him making a miraculous change and becoming an angel.

[formflier]

Of course not. 

So... .he has stopped lying?

FF

[Mrb87]

I haven’t caught anything yet And I stress yet. I feel like he’s afraid of the abandonment part more because he knows I know my worth and I’m seeing through him and his ways. R u going through something similar in ur relationship?

[formflier]

So, what's going to happen on the next lie you catch him in?

How many have you caught him in so far?

My relationship with my wife is interesting.  Almost like there are two people.  When she is emotionally stable, there is nobody I would rather be with.

When unstable, there is really not limit to what she will do.  Unfortunately this means for me I can't trust her, so  she no longer has access to money or anything that is "mine".

She has a job, makes her own money... .and I don't really ask much about what she does with it.

Any "deals" we make about money are the type that will happen right now (as in same day), even then in the back of my mind, I've evaluated how it could get screwed up.

That probably sounds worse than it really is, since "more often than not" my wife is stable and I'm pretty good at disengaging when she goes off the rails.

Boundaries are my number 1 tool.

FF

[Mrb87]

I’ve caught him in MANY situations and I had to figure out ways of fixing or getting us threw the situations b/c when talking to him he would shut all the way down like a child in trouble.(so it’s extremely one sided)  I mean when he’s good it’s good but the bad over shadows those situations mostly. And I’m at the point of not even caring to fix it. I have 2 jobs already and I didn’t sign up for a 3rd. I didn’t want to be a caretaker or a parent.  The next lie I catch him in I will leave. I know it will hurt at first but I’ve distanced myself enough from him where I think I can heal quicker.  I left him for 4 months before to the point where he was begging to see me even yelled and curse me out for not seeing him. But In those months I was able to renew myself and catch up with old friends. I thought about him but I needed that break. I felt better and even looked better.

[formflier]

I'm glad you have your limits defined... . 
 
FF

[Mrb87]

How long were u together? When did u notice she had BPD? U can answer through a private message if u want.

[formflier]

How long were u together? When did u notice she had BPD? U can answer through a private message if u want.

Married for 15ish years (I'm at 22 years now) and then a natural disaster forced us from our home for about half a year.  Her mental reaction to this and mine were completely opposite.  

She had huge abandonment fears and paranoia showed up.  Me... .not knowing any better "disproved" all her paranoid theories thinking that "proving" her husband wasn't a cheater, polygamist, father of  out of wedlock kids (unfortunately I could go on) would be a good thing.  What I did (unknowingly) was invalidate her feelings for a couple of years.

Once I read SWOE, had a therapist mention BPD and found this site... .a lot of damage had been done to the relationship.  Paranoia, by and large, is gone now because I rarely invalidate... .and my wife "knows" that there will be no reaction from me about an accusation regarding my harem.

My wife is likely not diagnosable with BPD, she may be with PPD.  She is high functioning.  Now that I know what to look for it's all over her FOO.  They are generally "worse" than her.  I've chosen to be estranged from her family and my life is so much better.  One of the saddest things I've ever done in therapy was draw my family tree and draw hers.

Then talk about the relationships going back for several generations.  Her mother and father BOTH are "illegitimate" (out of wedlock kids) while there were marriages (cheating).  There are no examples of healthy fathers on either side (so the women have a legitimate reason to be pissed off).  Men aren't to be trusted because... .

I just happen to be the guy that married into this.  Oh yeah... .we are the last intact marriage of my wife's generation.  Everyone else has had multiple divorces and failed relationships.  No divorces or failed relationships on my side... .(a cousin of mine (distant) got kicked off the farm several generations ago because he didn't do his work, he remained married and appeared successful off the farm, but I know his marriage was "difficult".  That's about the height of dysfunction I could find in my family tree.



It is likely that I'm somewhere near "as good as it gets", unless my wife gets serious about "legitimate" personal improvement (therapy).  My main focus is building good relationships with my children and steps that promote stability in our home.

It's not the life I would have chosen, but for now it works for me.  

Obviously a short version... .feel free to ask away.

1.  :)on't invalidate
2.  Boundaries
3.  don't rescue or save them from consequences

My current top three.

FF

[Mrb87]

Great tips
1.  Don't invalidate
2.  Boundaries
3.  don't rescue or save them from consequences

These have been working well for me and i'm learning how to become stronger in each area.

 I have also chosen to stay FAR away from his family. There is so much unsolved tension there i decide to avoid them everytime. His mother and father aren't together. His mother cheat on the father many times. His older brother 35 and younger sister 12 are not his full siblings. His younger brother 29 is his only full blood sibling. He told me stories of how his mother would sneak out of the house and cheat to try to escape the father. When his father would catch the mother he would beat her mostly in the head. He said he was glad his father did that to her because his mother was so stupid. then the mother would come back for him and his brothers and they would have to stay in battered women shelters.(then repeat the cycle) again when the mother finally escape with the last guy she cheated with now who is his younger sisters father. She left them with the father. The father would lock them in the house after school and not let them leave and to trust no one. I not sure how true all this is but they all have some strong hate for each other. The gathers i did attend in the past. the mother would stay on one side of the room with her new family and the father who sit alone like a grump in the corner (that guy has BPD also) I don't agree with how the family operates. everyone wants to kills each other but they keep coming back to each other and never try to fix the issue. They curse up a storm and talk about sex in front of kids, grandparents and parents like it nothing.

[Mrb87]

Update  
 So Saturday night I get a text

BPD: soo how do u feel about getting me a early birthday present? *his birthday is in JULY*

Me: birthday present?

BPD: can u buy me a excursion for my trip to Hawaii for my early present?

Me: so I say the only thing I can do for u on ur birthday is take u out to eat. Remember the rule u made.

BPD: yea I know. It was worth a shot. Who would get me a bday gift if I asked?

Me: ew don't be a user.

BPD: I'm glad u told me not to be a user .  

BPD:  

Me: don't use ppl

Back story: the reason we can't buy each other gifts is because of him. I would buy him things and receive nothing back in return and I notice he just kept asking and asking. And taking and taking. Some things would be items to help spice up the relationship and others would be birthday gifts and other things. The things I got to help spice up the relationship would never be seen again after I got them for him. Later on I found out he was using them with the people he cheated on me with and never with me. Other items he wants he would also do the same. When I found out this was happening I took everything I ever give him back. He couldn't ask me for anything back because he never give me anything . Very sad. So he says I'm gonna fix the issue " don't give me anything ever again and we'll just take each other out to eat instead of giving gifts that u take back" I respond wth " this is another thing we can't do in this relationship. Your breaking it down to nothing" so now we don't give gifts because of that rule. I don't ask for anything but he continues to ask me him to buy him things then get upset when I don't or tries to use a manipulating technique to make me think he will cheat again only to get what he wants by saying " who can I get to buy me something for my birthday ". I guess he doesn't realize I've caught on to his BPD ways and I've been doing me reading

[formflier]

I like your shorter style of texting.

I think a few thoughts would help you with BPD rules.

he already knows you and knows the answer.  So... .don't "take" the issue from him.

It looks like you "took it" and tossed it back at him, he likely experienced that as a persecutor... with you as judge.

Much better to defer it to in person.

"I'll have to give it some thought.  Hawaii sounds nice."

"I'm sure you will agree these things are best talked about in person.  Let's chat tonight.  Please reflect on prior agreements we've had regarding B-day presents.  I'll do the same."

He likely won't bring it up... but do you see how he is put in the position of answering and "persecuting" himself, vice you.  You are staying off the triangle.

FF

[Mrb87]

i think what im having trouble with is my responses to his many situation. I love how you turn that around to not make it sound attacking, defensive, or like your giving in to anything. Do you know any sources that can help me find responses to BPD manipulations, attacks and situations? i know some good responses too things but like u can see i  still have a hint of enabling in there.

[formflier]

 :)o you know any sources that can help me find responses to BPD manipulations, attacks and situations?

Sorry... .you can't pitch me fastballs like this... .ummm... .hmmm... .offhand I would suggest a really cool website called bpdfamily... .   

FF

hint... start reading 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[Mrb87]

Lol thank you. I was referring to books like "walking on eggshells" which I'm already reading but that link is a start so thanks.

[Insom]

Hi, Mrb87!

How are you liking Walking on Eggshells?

Someone here recommended Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents to me which I just read and found interesting.  I know you're here because you have questions about romantic partner (me too) but sometimes these relationships invite us to question other relationships, too.

[Mrb87]

"Walking on Eggshells" is providing me with a lot of information about BPD. Like why they do what they do and real life examples of the disorder that strongly relate to my experiences. I wish it taught me how to respond better and how to spot traps.