SELF HARMING

[Maternal Support]

Hello - relieved to have found this site. My 20 year daughter was sexually assaulted 18 months ago - she was diagnosed with PTSD and more recently with BPD. She is currently on 60 mg Prozac and 50 mg quetiapine. Her mood swings are horrendously severe. In uk  - on NHS waiting list for therapy. She started cutting 4 weeks ago (before that she burned herself 8 times in 1 year). She is careful not to
cut near major veins/arteries - until last night when she had a real urge to, but didn't. I have bought and read cover to cover Marsha Linehan's manual and workbooks as well as "Loving someone with borderline personality disorder".

I guess I am looking for help to support her ewithout going under myself (history of major depression).

Many thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

Hello, MS, and welcome.

As is said around here, "I'm sorry you had to find us, but I'm glad you found us."

Self-harm, specifically cutting, is near and dear to my heart, as I have one who does it as well.  The thing is (and I very recently learned this), is that there is nothing you can do to prevent it.  And I mean nothing.  This is not meant to scare you, it's just a fact.  My BPD DD19 cut herself with a butter knife, that she palmed, from the kitchen drawer, while I was sitting 9 feet away. 

Yes, I measured the distance.  Because I felt guilty.

It was not the first time, she prefers razor blades.  The scars are less noticeable.

Why a butter knife, you ask?  Because that was what was available.  See, we had already locked up all the other sharps in the house.  In a safe.  With a key.

This included, but was not limited to:

Knives (but not butter knives, clearly)
Razors, blades and disposables
Pencil sharpener
Nail clippers
Mandoline blades
cheese slicer
and others.


This isn't your fault. 

Cutting is a method of release for some; a way to "feel", or a need for a release from pain (counter-intuitive, I know), or a need for the endorphins released by the cutting.

You say she's careful to avoid veins and arteries.  That's an understandable statement.  Not all cutting is a suicide attempt (something else I had a hard time getting my head around). 

The inherent problem with that is that those that are cutting:

1. do not always have the control they think they do
2. clearly aren't in the best mental spot to make the decision of what is "close" or not.
3. may not be in the best mental position for self-safety

None of this is what I want to be telling you, and I'm sure none of this is what you want to hear, but for me, it's all true.

Know that you're not alone in the abject terror you feel for your kid.  I feel it for mine, and yours as well.

Therapy helps, for you and her.

Keep coming here.  Keep posting.  We're listening.

-jyw

[Yepanotherone]

Hi there Maternal Support , welcome

Ah yes ... .self harm . Just like just you wait , this is a subject close to my heart .
Apparently my daughter started cutting in middle school . I knew nothing of this . We lived in Florida at that time , she was constantly wearing short , teashirts , bikinis and such like , and I never saw any signs of anything on her skin . She apparently did it very lightly , in hidden places , with the metal piece removed from a pencil sharpener .

In any case , it wasn’t noticeable . Until she was diagnosed shortly after moving to Colorado.And then it got worse . And worse . She cut deeper . More frequently . All over her body . And I mean all over ; arms , thighs and legs all the way down to her knees ,hips , tummy , breasts , ankles . Some were severe and needed medical attention . She will have scars for the rest of her life . Some have faded , some she’ll be able to perhaps disguise in time with tattoos  , but others especially on her arms are big ugly purple raised welts and there won’t be much she can do with them. I’ve offered to buy her scar creams etc but she always refuses . 

She used to go through periods of behaviors where she would literally parade around with her freshly cut skin on full show , she would look like she had been mauled by a tiger , and the looks we would get when out and about from others were very hurtful and yes ... I’m going to say it ... embarrassing.

I would raid her room to look for sharps and I would throw anything out that I found. But she would just go and buy new ones . Razers and those eyebrow razers were her go to’s . I would check her bed sheets daily and check her clothes in the laundry basket daily for fresh signs of blood . I don’t know why I did this because all I achieved in doing so was further stressing myself out and knocking myself sick . I guess I was trying to gauge her moods , the severity of it , the frequency of it etc .

She also punched her hips as another self harm tool when razers weren’t immediately accessible . She’d punch her hips until they were literally black and blue . I saw the evidence of this once when going through her phone and I saw pictures of her hips. I almost vomited when I saw them . What a mess  she’d done this during one of her hospital stays and it had delayed her discharge . I only found out after the fact .

I tell you this because I want you to know that my DD had a severe problem with self harm . Initially it was sporadic , but latterly , for 18 months , it was very bad  But guess what . She’s managed to somehow heal from this particular symptom of her condition. She has not punched herself in 2 years , and has not cut herself in 7 months . I know this to be true because she often parades round the house and comes into my bathroom to steal my toiletries very scantily clad !
She also often  sleeps  naked and lies on top of her bed . I check on her every single morning before I go to work ( old habits die hard ) and it’s the ideal opportunity for me to carry out a full body scan .

I don’t know how she’s managed to overcome this . But she seems to have it well under control now . She doesn’t really talk about it and we don’t ask . I try my hardest to not look sadly at her scarred skin because it annoys her if she catches me glancing at her scars .

There’s hope . But nothing you can do will stop your DD . It will have to come from her .  You can try to control her environment all you can to at least make things inaccessible, but she’ll find a way . To control the self harm impulses can be done though . My DD is testament to that . If only she could share how she did it !