Hey Frankee, I'm sure many have faced this dilemma.  I did many times with my BPDxW.  Yes, it's a one-way street, like a so-called Russian negotiation.  In my view, it is a question of Boundaries.  How much is too much for you?  Let's say you put your own personal limit on how long you are willing to listen to him ranting & raving, e.g., I will listen for 5 or 10 minutes, no more, after which I will leave the room, leave the car, leave the house, etc.  Agree w/you that there is no point in arguing with your H.  Instead, I suggest you state your boundary and then carry it out.

LuckyJim

Regarding venting, I grew up with a BPD mom and what I remember at dinnertime was every f*n night she vented in great detail about her work life. She held a few different jobs over the years and did secretarial work so I imagine there were real issues that she dealt with on a day to day basis.

But every night I heard her monologue about how bad all the people she worked with were and how she did the lion's share of work while everyone else was a no good so and so.

Not a great way for a kid to grow up.

My husband vents a lot about health care providers. It's almost like clockwork. No matter who he sees, there's some problem. I've referred him to at least half a dozen people that I've had great experiences with, but for him, it's always awful for a variety of reasons.

Fortunately he doesn't go on and on. That's really wearisome. So, like other have said, I'd limit the time you spend listening. I might not share with him that I'm doing that however. If I were to tell my husband that he has five minutes to gripe, he'd really blow a gasket.

Instead, I say, "I've got to go medicate the cat." or "I need to put the clothes in the dryer." or ":)o you want to help me clean out the drainage ditches?" The last one will certainly get me time alone.   

Yes... .you should use boundaries... .

However, the less often it happens, the more flexibility you should have in how quickly you use a boundary or what part you play in a solution.

If you are saying once a month there is a 5 min vent... .even 10... .and you ask if he would like a hug, he says yes... .you hug and enjoy a nice walk.  Then... .no boundaries... .just file it away and move along.

I don't think that's what we are talking about... .is it? 

Can I offer an analogy? 

It's much easier to understand that you shouldn't be part of allowing people to "emotionally vomit" on you (vent at you... rant at you).

I can see how it is a relief to step aside and "just listen".  And sometimes that happens and it's ok.  We all get an upset "tummy" from time to time and you know what... .who really wants to clean up after you just went for the toilet and missed. 

There is an act of love there (for real vomit and for the emotional analogy). 

However... .if you had an upset tummy several times a week and blamed another person for it (while you ate food that clearly causes vomit)... .and refused to listen... .refused to go to the doctor... etc etc,  the "act of love" to help someone clean up can quickly become enabling and actually harmful to the relationship and to the person.

What we can do here is help you sort through the wisdom of the "role" that you play.

How long does the venting go on?  Is it same subject?  How often?  Does the issue get solved... .or keep coming back?

Any other details you can offer?

Hope my analogy worked? 

FF

In the time I posted this to today, it's like a complete turn around.  I made another post asking for help... again.  It was really bad today.  Like, so bad that I'm still not even sure how to recover from it.  I apologized and got an extremely nasty reply text... which I was expecting, but this was more than expected.

About the venting.  It's usually the same topics.  It's nothing I can change however.  It's problems with the world and society.  I do agree with a lot he gets upset about, because I do too.  I can't change it though and I mean that in a way that it is things that is wrong in society that even the president is having a very hard time to change.  I divert my eyes and ears when it's too much and I need to focus on my little world.  So when I don't get as upset, he gets upset because he feels I'm just like everyone else and ignoring the problem.  The incidents happen very few and afar.  The only problem is, it seems to have a lingering negative affect on his demeanor.  This rant happened on Tuesday and today he just came completely unglued.  Found out he screamed at his brother for thinking he was lying when he didn't.

Today I accept my part in what happened.  I know what I should of done differently.  It was just a bad situation.  We were both mad, I was tired from the bike ride home, we weren't thinking straight.  Now I'm trying to figure out what to do from here.

Honestly, I would have liked to go back to venting.  I'm dealing with a whole different issue.  Saying need help, messed up pretty bad.  He's become totally deregulated and saying some very hurtful things and basically saying that I'm his bit** now.  Things are about to get hairy and I need to strap on my big girl shoes.  It's about to be a very stressful time.

Honestly I'm feeling like in an emotional hurricane.  I seem to find clarity after a situation and have had time to think and process it.  My reactions in the heat of the moment are something I need to work on.  I keep telling myself that I don't deserve this, I am not responsible for how behavior, I am not the cause of him acting this way, and I am not a possession or some trained dog to "fetch".

The more I told myself this, the more I became angry, hurt, and really wanting to reciprocate with how he was treating me, extremely poorly.

I know that's not a good idea.  All it does is cause unnecessary stress on myself, affects my own state of mind, and perpetuates the toxicity of the relationship.  Need to work on the extinction burst.

I'm not an angry person.  I miss the times where I would laugh so hard my stomach would hurt.  I miss the times where I didn't have to fake being happy for my kids sake.  I miss being genuinely in awe of the beauty around me.  I live on the beach.  A place where people come to get away from stresses of life.  I'm upset that I am struggling to enjoy my life when I know I'm blessed in so many ways.  It's like I'm battling this giant vacuum that is sucking all the joy out of me when I desperately want to just be happy.

I just know that I can't keep doing this.  Being scared of speaking up, worried about being "punised" for things he perceives as doing wrong, wondering if his attitude is going to cause a lash out on me.  This isn't healthy.  I honestly don't know if he does love me really or just loves the idea of what he has in his head that he thinks is me. 

I'm fighting so hard to keep my sanity in check so I don't lose it on my children and other innocent non involved people.  Honestly, as much as his brothers irritate me sometimes... I think they are part of the reasons I feel any sort of normalcy.  They are regular, normal people without wacked out issues.  I can ignore the troubles I'm having with my H and pretend to have a normal life.  They see his behavior.  They've been targets themselves of his rage and accusations.  They know that what he does at times isn't right.  one of them even said he sees how much my H puts on me and takes things out on me.  We talk about it sometimes, but most of the time I just want to be normal for awhile.

Hey Frankee, No, you can't keep going on like this and, you're right, it isn't healthy.  I used to dread going home after work because I anticipated having a confrontation about some minor event/offense which my Ex deemed worthy of lashing out at me.  It was a nightmare, like living in a Stephen King novel.

The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself, by focusing on your needs, and by taking good care of yourself, in a compassionate way.  Do you have a T or close friend or family member with whom you can discuss your situation?  I'm not an angry person, either, but my Ex used to taunt and bait me until she got an angry reaction, so then she could point the finger at me.  It's an exhausting cycle and I can relate to your challenges.

Hang in there,
LJ

What do you think of this quote? 

Do you remember how you felt when you wrote this?

FF