I am not handling her correctly

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi! I need help. My 18 1/2 yo college freshman daughter is BPD. We have had her in therapy since she was 8 yo, and DBT since she was 15. We did DBT group with her for a year and a half, yet I feel like everything went out the window. I have a really tough time dealing with her, and I am not doing this correctly.  Thankfully she doesn't self harm anymore, hasn't in 2 years or so. The arguing, the disagreements, etc. are overwhelming. HEr first semester at college she got sick with strep, mono, and then during finals week. I had to go get her and she missed 3 finals because she had a terribly infected abscess. Xmas break with her at home was really hard on all of us, emotionally. Too much arguing. My main concerns(and she said it's all I talked about during XMAS break-which isn't true) were her physical health (she was coughing her lungs up all break- and I know she vapes) and her studying for the finals she missed, as she def partied a lot first semester.  Took her to the dr several times over break because of the coughing, and she was diagnose with walking pneumonia. We had more blood drawn. Anyway, this week  (after she returned to school for second semester freshman year- still needing to take the 2 finals she missed) we got a call from the dr after they took blood work from her saying she has several viruses in her system and she needs to rest so much and drink a lot of fluids. She actually has 4 viruses in her system! OF course this worries me, especially with people dieing left and right from simple viruses and the flu.
Anyway- we had a huge argument yesterday about her traveling from school to a mall an hour away with an inexperienced 18 yo driver and about her staying home from partying to rest. She doesn't want to hear any of it and I told her I don't want her traveling an hour away with an inexperienced driver and she went all- you can't be afraid of everything in life- on me (Maybe I am a little over cautious-a) I don't trust her judgement and b) I chalk a lot up to losing my mom when I was 17 and she was only 38 to my fears of my kids health and safety). I told her if she went with her friends, I would turn off her phone. SHe said go ahead. SO, we shut down her phone (she still has wifi though) and she blocked me on all social media. She spends every dine she ever gets, and the only money she had was $38 that we gave her in an account and I took the money back.   I know I am doing her no good. I know I am not doing this right. I do not know what to do differently, and I am so exhausted by it all, and then beat myself up for doing things incorrectly when it comes to her.
There is so much more to her story- she is a risk taker, impulsive, got caught shoplifting over thanksgiving break and my husband and I supported her though the legal process, but she didn't care about all of our messages to her to stay out of trouble for the month that she was on probation (nothing happened that we know of during that month- but she was def underage drinking). Senior year of hs I found out she was willing to participate in senior scavenger hunt- which included doing drugs, alcohol and all kinds of sexual things that she put in a group text that she was willing to do and have pictures taken of her doing. she had to stay home that night- was not allowed out. She is of course moody, extremely emotional, etc.
I know I am all over the place here. I am sorry. My main reason for writing is to look for help in how to parent her correctly. I do not feel that we are reacting correctly or doing the right thing by her, and it is weighing so heavily in my mind and how I feel about myself. I do not know how to set boundaries. I feel like we end up threatening with her phone, money, etc. to try to get her to be compliant. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If you have read this whole passage, thank you.

[mileenie]

Hi! I need help. My 18 1/2 yo college freshman daughter is BPD. We have had her in therapy since she was 8 yo, and DBT since she was 15. We did DBT group with her for a year and a half, yet I feel like everything went out the window. I have a really tough time dealing with her, and I am not doing this correctly.  Thankfully she doesn't self harm anymore, hasn't in 2 years or so. The arguing, the disagreements, etc. are overwhelming. HEr first semester at college she got sick with strep, mono, and then during finals week. I had to go get her and she missed 3 finals because she had a terribly infected abscess. Xmas break with her at home was really hard on all of us, emotionally. Too much arguing. My main concerns(and she said it's all I talked about during XMAS break-which isn't true) were her physical health (she was coughing her lungs up all break- and I know she vapes) and her studying for the finals she missed, as she def partied a lot first semester.  Took her to the dr several times over break because of the coughing, and she was diagnose with walking pneumonia. We had more blood drawn. Anyway, this week  (after she returned to school for second semester freshman year- still needing to take the 2 finals she missed) we got a call from the dr after they took blood work from her saying she has several viruses in her system and she needs to rest so much and drink a lot of fluids. She actually has 4 viruses in her system! OF course this worries me, especially with people dieing left and right from simple viruses and the flu.
Anyway- we had a huge argument yesterday about her traveling from school to a mall an hour away with an inexperienced 18 yo driver and about her staying home from partying to rest. She doesn't want to hear any of it and I told her I don't want her traveling an hour away with an inexperienced driver and she went all- you can't be afraid of everything in life- on me (Maybe I am a little over cautious-a) I don't trust her judgement and b) I chalk a lot up to losing my mom when I was 17 and she was only 38 to my fears of my kids health and safety). I told her if she went with her friends, I would turn off her phone. SHe said go ahead. SO, we shut down her phone (she still has wifi though) and she blocked me on all social media. She spends every dine she ever gets, and the only money she had was $38 that we gave her in an account and I took the money back.   I know I am doing her no good. I know I am not doing this right. I do not know what to do differently, and I am so exhausted by it all, and then beat myself up for doing things incorrectly when it comes to her.
There is so much more to her story- she is a risk taker, impulsive, got caught shoplifting over thanksgiving break and my husband and I supported her though the legal process, but she didn't care about all of our messages to her to stay out of trouble for the month that she was on probation (nothing happened that we know of during that month- but she was def underage drinking). Senior year of hs I found out she was willing to participate in senior scavenger hunt- which included doing drugs, alcohol and all kinds of sexual things that she put in a group text that she was willing to do and have pictures taken of her doing. she had to stay home that night- was not allowed out. She is of course moody, extremely emotional, etc.
I know I am all over the place here. I am sorry. My main reason for writing is to look for help in how to parent her correctly. I do not feel that we are reacting correctly or doing the right thing by her, and it is weighing so heavily in my mind and how I feel about myself. I do not know how to set boundaries. I feel like we end up threatening with her phone, money, etc. to try to get her to be compliant. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If you have read this whole passage, thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mileenie]

Want to also add that she is studying to be a forensic psychologist. We are trying to get through to her that it will be a very vetted field and the things she puts on social media can come back to haunt her and disqualify her from securing a job. It doesn't get through to her which is evident by her social media- pics of herself vaping, pics of people hooking up, pic of a girl peeing in a bath tub. What the heck?