JADE. Any suggestions for information on how to not do this?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hey guys,
I have seen some references to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). This basically describes the entire scope of my communication with my uBPDh. Any suggestions for information on how to not do this?
Thank you,
I Am Redeemed

[Turkish]

The Tools and skills workshops board has a lot of good material.  Have toy seen this?

2.02 | Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

Whether seperated,  split, or divorced, we likely still have contact. Learning these skills is key to help reduce conflict. 

[Tattered Heart]

Hi I Am Redeemed

Welcome

One of the reasons we say "don't JADE" is because it comes across as being invalidating to our pwBPD. To them facts=feelings and when we dispute their fact/feelings then they get angry because we essentially tell them that their facts are wrong.

How do you make it a practice? It starts with just doing it. I will sometimes find myself repeating it over and over in my head (and sometimes outloud) during an argument. After my weekend, I considered getting it tatooed to the inside of my hand so I can just read it as a constant reminder.  

[isilme]

It's very hard.  When I am attacked or accused of something I did not or am not doing, I want to set things straight.  Sadly, this is Justifying, Arguing, Defending and or Explaining.  And it just makes things worse. 

We grow up being taught in school if you have a fight with someone you just aren't' understanding each other well - so we learn to Justify our actions by arguing, defending and explaining ourselves, hopefully with less drama.  And with some people, this CAN work.  We can usually explain factual things to other people and they will be willing to listen and "maybe" realign their interpretation of events, of why something happened, and so on, and the drama can lessen instead of increasing.

BPD throws all of this out of the window - they operate primarily on emotion.  They may claim they have "facts" but their facts change day to day, sometimes minute to minute, as needed, to validate their internal emotions.  So telling them anything that does not agree with their "fact (emotions) is picking a fight.  And get this - sometimes they want very much for there to be a fight, that can later be blamed on you (to avoid blame for the fight and the emotions that caused it - timelines does not matter, it needs to be your fault as per BPD shame avoidance).  I really think many of them cannot process emotions unless it's through spewing them onto another person.  ''

So - understanding that using our logic, facts, or other data won't change the situation is one way to try to not JADE.

The second is pretty much what Tattered said, have a mantra in your head to not do it.  It's very hard, I want to JADE, and do it anyways at times. Lately, I felt some progress in stopping before I've done it very long, preventing the disagreeableness from going much farther.

Another thing I try to do is silly, but I try to plan some recurring arguments, plan some responses to lessen them without resorting to JADE.  Again, in the moment, it's hard, and I am not terribly successful at preventing myself from falling into it. 

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks everyone. I guess what I was really trying to figure out is how to get him to stop blaming me or accusing me of stuff that isn't true. I see that now. I also see that it doesn't have to bother me if I don't let it.

[Jessica84]

We can deflect some of the blame/accusations by validating their feelings. They have a strong need to blame someone for their pain. Validation helps bring their emotions back to baseline so the need lessens. But sometimes even that's not enough. Not taking it personally is key, in a healthy way, rather than stuffing it down. 

[isilme]

I like to use visual analogies to help me with things, and the phrase "water off a duck's back" is what comes to mind when I think about the false accusations and H's need to verbally attack his emotions through me.

Ducks DO get wet, but they have evolved to have feathers coated I think with some sort of natural oil that allows most of the water to bead up and drop off them, without soaking their feathers through - otherwise flying straight out of the water would likely be pretty hard.

Some insults and accusations will always get through.  But I think over the years my feathers usually get damp rather than soaked, and that's been a long time working at not letting it bother me like it used to.  But human interactions are not static, so as we adjust, they can change their methods and we have to adjust more. 

[I Am Redeemed]

It's hard to validate feelings for someone who NEVER takes responsibility for anything. He can only accept wrongdoing if someone else was also at fault. For instance, his abusive behavior is described by him as "us" fighting and being immature- though he was always the aggressor. If he can't find a way to blame his behavior on me or someone else, then he flat out denies that it happened. Then I am a liar and trying to make him think he's crazy, therefore I am evil.

[Marie1971]

I have the same issue with often being blamed for things I didn't do by husband whom I think has BPD.  Does the SET method work for anyone (Support, Empathize, Truth?)

For example... .this is something very simple but for example sake let's say he says:

"You just snapped at me!"

Me:  I am worried that you are feeling that way.  It must be difficult to hear someone "snap" at you and think that I'm being disrespectful.  Actually, I am not annoyed or angry, and I used my regular voice.

Maybe that's not the BEST example... .but wondering if anyone uses this method successfully (It's from I Hate You Don't Leave Me book)

[isilme]

It's hard to validate feelings for someone who NEVER takes responsibility for anything.

Of course, he can't accept responsibility - he has BPD.  That is pretty much the MAIN symptom - blaming things on others to avoid and hide from shame.  Any shame.  So step one is looking at that fact and accepting it and then seeing how it colors all communications going forward.

BPD is an emotional disability.  We don't get mad at the paralyzed for not running a 5K.  Taking responsibility for certain things is an emotional marathon for them.  I think it'd be easier to ask them to run 26 miles than accept shame and realize it does not have to annihilate them.

While we don't have to accept the mistreatment that BPD causes, we also need to understand especially in the very beginning of learning about BPD, that we cannot expect adult-level emotional control from someone who seems to have been stunted at toddler levels of coping skills. 

Don't try to validate the invalid.  If you are being accused of something you did not do - you don't validate the comment to simply try to calm them down.  Also, don't continue the discussion if you can leave.  You WILL NOT CHANGE their mind when a period of dysregulation is happening.  So don't waste your time or energy. 

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.

You look for the FEELING behind the comment. 

his abusive behavior is described by him as "us" fighting and being immature- though he was always the aggressor.

So, you know he can't (at this time at least) take ownership of his role in how things are.  Remember, he has a handicap and doesn't even want to see it, let alone work on it.  As the more emotionally aware person, YOU have to both accept he will say things you don't like as a venting of his out of control emotions but also allow yourself to NOT take ownership of the feelings he's trying to push off onto you.  You have to do the emotional equivalent of loading the wheelchair into the car, and pushing it time to time. 

BPD likes to become enmeshed.  It is like the Blob, where it wants to com=nsume you and make you part of the pwBPD.   Once you are absorbed, you are able to take on all those emotions they simply can't handle - this is why we get the brunt of the out of control behavior and other people see such a great guy.  It's also why we get accused of things they do - we're all the same person now, right?  They can't tell where you start and they end.  And so, even you have an emotion or thought they don't feel themselves can be invalidating.  And if they can't process things, they WILL try to pick a fight.  Don't rise to call to fight.  If you don't let it bother you, then you don't need to JADE, and if you can leave the conversation, he has to learn to self-regulate a bit. 

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks islme,
You really helped my perspective. I am currently separated from my husband bc of the abuse, but we do have children together and there will have to be communication bc of that. I am going to try to not let him make me feel like I am losing my mind