vI initiated both separations based on his addictions and mood disorder behaviors. Our children (17,16,12) do not want to live with him again unless he gets help and changes. They do not feel “safe”. They have not been physically abused, but are referring to the roller coaster of the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde behavior. Walking on eggshells... .[/quote]
Then you are doing right to separate and provide a more stable home for the children. No one wanted this but that's the reality of your dilemma.
I have not asked for a divorce - yet! Instead I’ve asked him to seek help to try and restore the marriage... .I cannot go back to the insanity.
The stark reality is that he's an adult and society will expect him to behave and deal with the dysfunctional family dynamic. If he is to recover to a healthier mental state then he needs to Let Go the Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting and seek therapy with an experienced professional for the loan haul. There are no quick fixes or flashes of insight where it's all quickly fixed. Anything less and if you take him back then the roller coaster up and down cycle would resume.
Yes, none of us are perfect, we all have some issues here and there, but his issues are on the extreme end of the spectrum of normalcy.
Most here have not tried Legal Separation, either the sabotage and conflict was too extreme or the legal risks were too great. The members who successfully tried it were the ones who saw that their ex was in therapy and/or finally started respecting boundaries.
I’m getting my ducks in a row to prepare for divorce. I may wait and see if he will file first. Is there any benefit to filing or waiting for the spouse to file? I wondered if there is less anger on his end if he files?
Courts these days don't pay attention to plaintiff vs defendant as much as in the past. However, there probably is an advantage to filing first. You're more likely to control the overall tone of the divorce process and keep it moving. He's likely to blame and delay. In my case, I filed first, a very measured filing that was not inflammatory. In her required response she made allegations galore. I cast her allegations as sour grapes, her allegations were made only after we had separated. Imagine if she had filed first, I would have had an even bigger uphill struggle to get a decent outcome.
As for his anger, there's little you can do to avoid that. Maybe minimize it when we can. We don't go out of our way to antagonize but we do what we have to do.
My main concern is how he responds to the children. He does not call them or make any contact with them. I have to ask him to call them so they don’t feel rejected... .I’ve asked him to stop talking to them in this way, but he clearly doesn’t change. In a way it is a blessing that he doesn’t call, because when he does it is so awkward. But, my heart grieves for them that their dad does not show them love as a father should.
He is what he is and he will do what he will do. There's little you can do to change that. Accepting that reality may help you to focus on properly validating the children's experiences, observations and conclusions in age appropriate ways. Validation does not mean "but he's your father and he loves you". Well, not precisely, because that's a bit contradictory and can be invalidating. Validation is a skill you can practice and learn. Help them to gain objectivity, guide them when they get it wrong and commend them when they get it right. Others here will provide links to our lessons, articles and books on that topic. Here's a sampling I found using the search button:
Workshop topics 1.11, 1.12, 1.13, 1.21, 2.10Validating vs Enabling
