Advice on a request from ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This isn't a big deal but want to throw this out to the family to see what others think is best... .

About three months ago, ex asked that I let her know when I'm coming to her house. This is mostly in reference to dropping off items that one of our children had forgotten while at my house. No problem, I started texting her when I was on my way. Sometimes she responds, sometimes not but doesn't matter either way if she does. My texts are short and to the point. Example: "Bringing D8's purse by in about 10 min.".

Two days ago, ex responds with, "It would be better if you asked if it were ok that you did. Just courtesy." Today, I had to drop our D13 off after staying at my house on an unscheduled night. I sent ex a text saying that I will be dropping D13 off in about 10 minutes. About two hours later she sent a text saying, "And as I've asked before, please ask before you 'tell' me you're coming by. Thank you."

It's not pride or that I refuse to ask. I'm dropping D13 off either way. If the consensus here is that I should go ahead and ask, I will. It just seems petty to me but maybe I'm being petty. I also don't want to set a precedent of being ok with her adding conditions. It's not like I want to come to her house. It's to drop something off that one of our children needs/wants or to drop off one of our children. If I tell her that I'm dropping something off for the kids and it's not a good time (maybe they aren't home), she can let me know what time would be better and I'll do it then. It's almost always that I'm being asked to drop something off by one of our children or even her. On the flip side, I usually call the children several times a week on nights that I don't have them. I would text her to ask if it's a good time and if it's ok with her that I call; not knowing whether they are in the middle of something at the time. She responded a couple of months ago that I didn't have to ask to call them but rather just call.

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, it isn't a big deal but want to make the respectful choice.

[40days_in_desert]

This isn't a big deal but want to throw this out to the family to see what others think is best... .

About three months ago, ex asked that I let her know when I'm coming to her house. This is mostly in reference to dropping off items that one of our children had forgotten while at my house. No problem, I started texting her when I was on my way. Sometimes she responds, sometimes not but doesn't matter either way if she does. My texts are short and to the point. Example: "Bringing D8's purse by in about 10 min.".

Two days ago, ex responds with, "It would be better if you asked if it were ok that you did. Just courtesy." Today, I had to drop our D13 off after staying at my house on an unscheduled night. I sent ex a text saying that I will be dropping D13 off in about 10 minutes. About two hours later she sent a text saying, "And as I've asked before, please ask before you 'tell' me you're coming by. Thank you."

It's not pride or that I refuse to ask. I'm dropping D13 off either way. If the consensus here is that I should go ahead and ask, I will. It just seems petty to me but maybe I'm being petty. I also don't want to set a precedent of being ok with her adding conditions. It's not like I want to come to her house. It's to drop something off that one of our children needs/wants or to drop off one of our children. If I tell her that I'm dropping something off for the kids and it's not a good time (maybe they aren't home), she can let me know what time would be better and I'll do it then. It's almost always that I'm being asked to drop something off by one of our children or even her. On the flip side, I usually call the children several times a week on nights that I don't have them. I would text her to ask if it's a good time and if it's ok with her that I call; not knowing whether they are in the middle of something at the time. She responded a couple of months ago that I didn't have to ask to call them but rather just call.

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, it isn't a big deal but want to make the respectful choice.

[TurbanCowboy]

This isn't a big deal but want to throw this out to the family to see what others think is best... .

About three months ago, ex asked that I let her know when I'm coming to her house. This is mostly in reference to dropping off items that one of our children had forgotten while at my house. No problem, I started texting her when I was on my way. Sometimes she responds, sometimes not but doesn't matter either way if she does. My texts are short and to the point. Example: "Bringing D8's purse by in about 10 min.".

Two days ago, ex responds with, "It would be better if you asked if it were ok that you did. Just courtesy." Today, I had to drop our D13 off after staying at my house on an unscheduled night. I sent ex a text saying that I will be dropping D13 off in about 10 minutes. About two hours later she sent a text saying, "And as I've asked before, please ask before you 'tell' me you're coming by. Thank you."

It's not pride or that I refuse to ask. I'm dropping D13 off either way. If the consensus here is that I should go ahead and ask, I will. It just seems petty to me but maybe I'm being petty. I also don't want to set a precedent of being ok with her adding conditions. It's not like I want to come to her house. It's to drop something off that one of our children needs/wants or to drop off one of our children. If I tell her that I'm dropping something off for the kids and it's not a good time (maybe they aren't home), she can let me know what time would be better and I'll do it then. It's almost always that I'm being asked to drop something off by one of our children or even her. On the flip side, I usually call the children several times a week on nights that I don't have them. I would text her to ask if it's a good time and if it's ok with her that I call; not knowing whether they are in the middle of something at the time. She responded a couple of months ago that I didn't have to ask to call them but rather just call.

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, it isn't a big deal but want to make the respectful choice.

I think it’s about control and finding fault with your approach regardless just to have something to complain about.  I just separated from my wife and she’s already behaving the same way.

She talks down to me like I’m a child.

[ForeverDad]

Sounds like she wants control of the process, possibly she doesn't like the idea of you swinging by whenever you desire.  Maybe she's having a good time with a special someone, who knows?  My ex was often freaked out early in our separation & divorce if I so much as came into her parking lot.  I have never been in her residence, not in over 12 years.

I wonder whether there's a middle ground, since there is risk of her replying hours later, set a time frame such as 10 or 15 minutes where she can request a change.  "I'm dropping D13 off in about 30 minutes, respond in 10-15 minutes if that doesn't work for you."  If there isn't a relatively prompt response then you'll deliver.  It's not like you'll be dumping a baby off on the front porch and driving away when she's not there.  The kids probably have keys or combinations to get into the house if she's not there.

I'm not saying to seek a middle ground, just that you might want similar reciprocity when she comes by to drop off something.  You could always couch any deal as "temporary for now and see how it goes".

[40days_in_desert]

Thank you ForeverDad. That sounds like a good idea. 

[kells76]

In terms of the stuff, does she have a carport or some other location where you can just leave it? Mailbox? Side yard? Then the texts could look more like ":)8's purse is in the mailbox. Thanks; 40days" (obviously this doesn't work for dropping off the kids   )

But I think the guys are right. It's probably a control thing, so if the issue really were respect for her time, and you've just solved it by making no imposition on her time (by leaving the item in a convenient location for her at her house without her having to be there), then she shouldn't have a problem with it. But she probably will. It might sound like "But I'm worried someone will take D8's purse". Been there done that. So the bigger question is how can you act with integrity and consistency and boundaries?

FD's idea is a good one -- the "let me know in X time if this doesn't work for you". Gives her that door for feedback, while you still get to decide and act vs ask and wait. And I think you know yourself well enough to know if that constitutes you acting with integrity and consistency.