Tidal wave of insults

[Jessica84]

I'm awful, judgmental, superior, arrogant, condescending, unstable, accusatory, lame. I attack his character, re-write history, hurt his heart. I'm an emotional roller coaster. He never knows what will set me off next. I must have another guy on the side. All this came in a series of texts tonight after I left because he was started screaming at me.

I'm struggling to handle all this. The insults, projection, or whatever this is, it's abusive. No one else has ever accused me of being anything like this before. I've been supportive and patient. Now I'm hurt, angry and super frustrated. He's been dysregulating for a month. Feelings = Facts. So his reality: I'm the villain. I'm sick of dealing with this.

I was prepared to end it for good a few weeks ago, when things weren't even THIS bad. He was yelling at me over the smallest things. So I ignored his texts and calls. He begged me to make up. He seemed genuinely remorseful so I agreed to meet him. We had a serious talk for the first time in YEARS. I felt hopeful again. He was open, calm, rational, understanding, and considerate. Now, we're right back to this hopeless mess. I feel duped. Played. Lured back only to be used as a rage target and have it flipped on me where he's the victim, and I'm the bully. None of it makes any sense. I don't know what to do anymore... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Hi Jessica-

You've been in this relationship long enough to know the push/pull cycle. How to move it forward? I don't think I have the answer. First- you get to choose - whether he is remorseful or not- how much you wish to tolerate. And if you wish to be in the relationship, to me, this thing is like the tide. In the good moments, I think there is genuine remorse and the wish to have things better, but then the more difficult feelings are still there- we all have feelings and difficulty managing them is a hallmark of BPD.

For me, I don't like either extreme- the on or the off, but try to stay middle ground myself. I think for some people, the extremes are appealing- they like the intensity. I try to stay even keel and not add to the emotions. Does that make sense?

I think it was Waverider who posted something about motivation. If they sense they have pushed the relationship too far and still want it- they are highly motivated to do something about it. Yet when it gets comfortable- their motivation wanes. I think we are all like that to a lesser extreme. Kids are more motivated to play a video game than to study for a test- as they get older they have the emotional regulation to study for that test for the long term goal- college, career, but it takes some emotional regulation on their part to do so. I think that pwBPD have difficulty with seeing the longer term and regulating emotions to get there. This doesn't mean they don't want the relationship but lack emotional regulating skills.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, Jessica,

I'm sorry you got all those attacks. Only God knows why we keep trying. We know it's not their fault, but hey! It's not our fault either!

We can't always do good, and be patient, and validating, and understanding... .While we are being abused. You've been here long enough to know you are not alone in this. I hope it helps to have a place to tell.

I can't believe many times how complicated my life has become. I'm just a normal, boring guy. An honest person (not a hero, not a saint, but not a villain either). But I get so many acusations, that I keep judging myself against the most bizarre things. I remember my life before this, and I know no one would thought I was lying, cheating, being sarcastic to hurt people, and all the things you say yourself. No one asumed I would have the worst posible motivation for every word I utter or everything I do.

Is that how you feel? I bet most of us have those moments.

And all those accusations when we don't even return the blows that they throw at us. Or at least we try our best not to do that.

I'm really sorry, because I know how frustrating and tiring it gets.

I wish I had a good tip. I know you know the basics. Take care of you.

Keep us posted, we are here to listen.

[Jessica84]

I appreciate the support. I do a lot of self-validating, but sometimes I need outside support. I have tried to remain even-keeled. A few weeks ago, he was arguing with me over bananas (yes, the fruit). He finds new ways to shock and manipulate. I can't make this stuff up... .

"I'm sorry you had a bad day at work" = Why do you have to make me feel worse?
"You work so hard. Why don't you relax, I'll pick up dinner." = Oh, so YOU can decide what we eat?
"That (female character) is (anything - pretty/ugly, tall/short, gross/awesome) = I've never met anyone who gets so jealous of a movie character.

I can't believe how twisted it gets. I'm going to cut off all communication for now. Who needs such an awful person in their life asking how their day went or offering to pick up dinner? Or a jealous lunatic who thinks an actress is tall. I need to be around people who get me, who don't misunderstand me on purpose.

I will go on about my life and let him paint me black/white/purple/green or whatever color he chooses to see me in at that moment. Facts aren't fleeting to me. I know who I am, I know what I said, I know what I meant. I'm not a Witch one day, Saint the next. He doesn't get to decide from day to day who I am. It is clear that he doesn't like that person. So I won't subject him to her any longer.

[Jessica84]

Early morning text: I don't want to break up. I think we should put this behind us.

How does a sane person just "put this behind" you? I don't know whether to 1) ignore his text, 2) tell him I need space, or 3) remind him of what all he said and ask him why he would want to be with such a terrible person? Any of these could likely trigger him. But going along with his plan will mean this nonsense is ok and likely to continue. I don't want an apology. I don't want him to suffer or beg. I want this madness to STOP. Any advice?

[Tinrop]

Hi Jessica,
I'm not sure that I can offer any help on what you are going through, your story sounds very similar to mine right now and the only thing that I can see (although I may be completely wrong) is that you don't live together.  Your BF's view of you is skewed and lives in his own mind.  Take some time to yourself and know that you are not alone.  My bf tells me to get over it all the time, sound so much like yours wanting to put it behind you... .the problem is that unless this is the first time you hear it, you know that this is simply part of the cycle.  I wish I could offer you concrete advice, but I wanted to reach out and let you know that you aren't alone.  As for wanting the madness to stop... .I think we all do and know that it's unlikely which is why we are here... .Take care of yourself.

[Jessica84]

Thank you Tinrop. I'm sorry you are in a similar situation. I feel for everyone on this site. Knowing I'm not alone does help. 

I know it will never stop entirely. I just wish it would ease up a bit. We had months of light/normal BPD stuff that smoothed over quickly with the tools. Barely a blip. But this has been an intense month of dysregulation, and the tools are barely keeping the heat down. The lid is blowing off the pot and grease is splattering everywhere. I could "put it behind me" if I knew it was safe to take off my protective safety suit and goggles! At least for awhile... .

[JoeBPD81]

You can say : I also want to put this behind us, but my emotions are running wild right now and I need time to calm down.

Will that work?

He can feel abandoned, but you do doubt whether to stay with him. If you force it now, you are gonna be very upset with him, aren't you?

[flourdust]

The madness won't stop, but you don't have to participate it ... .and perhaps even get to the point where it is more of an inconvenience that an emotional body-blow.

When he gets to this point in his cycle, why not cut him off for, say, two weeks? Make it clear that you are going NC for two weeks -- for your own health -- and that you'll reconnect with him at that point to see if he's in a good place. If you made a habit of that, you can remove yourself from his abuse and also not need to monitor it to see how it's going day by day, hour by hour.

[joshbjoshb]

Also: FYI, this sub-forum is strictly about helping people stay in relationship. It seems that you are unsure about that - and that's perfectly fine! - but perhaps check the other sub forum that deals with that.

[Jessica84]

Josh - Thank you. You're right. When it gets to be too much I am ready to end it all. I'm not addicted to the drama. We can go all year without it. Wasn't always that way, so things have definitely improved. Then December hits and it resurfaces full-force. I don't have the strength to handle that much at once.

Flourdust - This is very logical. He isn't. He thinks I'M the drama-causer, so why would I need to get away?

I thought about saying "Look, I can see I'm upsetting you. Why don't I give you some space for a few days/weeks?"  But 1) it feel like admitting to something I'm not doing; and 2) he would take it as a breakup and go off the rails. I guess I can eliminate #1 since there's no 'justice' in BPD relationships. As for #2, he feels if a couple needs a break, they shouldn't be together at all. Black/White.

Now he wants me to apologize. Says we can't move forward unless I agree to stop walking out every time we argue. I can't do that. I can't apologize for making him insult me and yell at me, which he now denies doing. And I can't agree to stick around when he's being a jerk. I don't know how to navigate this.

[Notwendy]

It's hard to stay focused on our own feelings when someone else is telling us what we did and what we feel. But we feel what we feel- and they don't have to understand or validate it.

If you are feeling you need to take some time to get a grip on your feelings- then it doesn't have to make sense to him and it might not, but that doesn't change how you feel. Yes, the situation- his behavior has something to do with how you are feeling- but they are your feelings and you choose how to take care of them.

This was something I had to learn through MC- to feel my feelings, and to make "I" statements, not "you" statements as a way to stay on "my side of the street". If I started to feel uncomfortable during a conversation- I practiced stopping and checking how I was feeling. I became aware that my own feelings were a warning sign- drama ahead- either my drama or not, but still, I was feeling them.

So, I would say " I am feeling too uneasy to continue this conversation, I need to take a time out". That would stop the conversation. Maybe things would escalate but I would say it again " I don't think I can talk right now, maybe later" and then not talk. Without continuing the drama, the conversations would fizzle out but that was better than the circular blaming conversations.

The MC taught me about HALT- hungry, angry, lonely, tired- and I would add upset. During these situations, we aren't 100% ourselves- we are prone to get into drama. They are times for self care.

To apply this to your situation- you are upset, tired, a bit spent emotionally. This is a signal for some self care. It doesn't have to be about him, but about you. He says- we shouldn't break up- I don't think you broke up with him.

Your statement " I will give you a break" is an idea, but I think it is backwards. You need the break. When you say you are giving him one- did he ask you for one- no, it is almost as if you are giving yourself a break but making it sound like you are doing something for him. This is for you- give yourself a break.

"honey, I didn't say I wanted to break up. I am just feeling out of sorts and wish to have a few days to myself. I will call you in three days. Love you honey" and then take it.

[Jessica84]

Thank you Notwendy. That makes a lot of sense. I am going to use your line. I could see him understanding that without getting overly sensitive.

In normal situations, I can think on my feet and the right words come to me naturally. I can take his little barbs in stride. I can even JADE a bit without him getting upset. But something happens to him this time of year. His attacks are relentless. Every time I've tried to take a time-out it hasn't gone well. This last episode was rough, but it has given me time to clear my head. I'll try to take my exit sooner next time. Thanks for the reminder!

[Notwendy]

I don't know where you live, but if it is winter where you are, I wonder about the lack of sunlight and being outside that turns him into a werewolf. Maybe he's low on vitamin D. If this is a seasonal thing- maybe something like less sunlight is behind that.

I dislike the barbs. The comeback is " you just can't take a joke" ( another barb). To me, JADE of any kind is feeding the drama. I also use the pink elephant idea- substitute it in my own mind for any "dig". If someone called you a pink elephant- would you JADE? Probably not because you would not emotionally react to that- you know you are not a pink elephant and so you would more likely think that was absurd.

I also see verbal barbs as attention getters and "drama bait". From the co-dependent angle I see them as someone offering me something addictive like drugs or alcohol. My tendency to soothe, fix, discuss, talk about it is my "addiction" and barbs, or someone upset with me are the hooks. I can't control the barbs, but if I am tuned into my "temptations" I can remove myself- with a focus on me. I have said things like " This is tough for me, I need to take a time out" and just leave.

Hope this idea helps!

[JoeBPD81]

Please, what's a barb?

[Notwendy]

-a snippy comment with underhanded nastiness or resentment. Rather than saying something outright hurtful, it is more of a sting wrapped in the kind of comment that if you reacted they can deny saying something mean.

Barbs are the kind of thing comedians might use at each other to get a laugh on stage, or politicians say them to each other during a debate, but in intimate relationships they are hurtful.

In a relationship, to me it is a passive aggressive way of expressing frustration or anger. I also see it as drama bait- a way to gain attention. It is negative attention but I find that if I am upset at someone, it is high emotion and high focus, and that kind of emotion is reinforcing.

[flourdust]

I agree with what Notwendy said. I notice that your response to my suggestion that you enforce a break during his abusive cycles was all about how he would perceive it and how it would make him feel.

You cannot put a disordered person's feelings first. It's like assigning the drunkest person in the room the role of designated driver.

When you stay and take the abuse, his feelings are out of control, his thoughts are disordered, and his behaviors are abusive.

If you leave and go NC for two weeks ... .his feelings will be out of control, his thoughts disordered, and his behaviors abusive ... .but you won't be in the line of fire to receive them.

This isn't necessarily a permanent solution, but based on your long history with this guy, it seems like an effective first aid technique for you.

[Jessica84]

Notwendy - I definitely think the weather affects his moods. Winter is dark, gray, dreary, rainy, cold. That's when it starts. But thankfully this is the south and it doesn't last long.

I see those little barbs for what they are - provocations. Yes, sometimes they are "jokes" and if I take the bait, I "can't take a joke" or I'm "lame". Other times, they're not mean comments on their face, but hitting on old triggers of mine - saying things that used to upset me. Like little tests for my reactions. And sometimes they're just plain mean hurtful comments. I can recognize what he's doing, not pick it up, and it fizzles out. But lately, he's been going out of his way to misunderstand me. He wants to provoke me to the point he is now calling me all kinds of pink elephants! I can be called one here and there... .let him think what he will... .but all at once is overwhelming. I then process - am I this? am I that? maybe I *AM* a pink elephant? Crazymaking.

Flourdust - you make a good point. When he gets extra-sensitive like this, I do get hyper-vigilant of his perceptions, sighing relief when there's no fallout. The irony is, he thinks HE is walking on eggshells. Those are his own making. I try to validate and he claims I'm being mean or don't care about him... .When I give up trying and go cold, things really heat up.