Advice on restraining order

[utnapishtim428]

Curious what advice people here have about restraining orders... .here’s my situation: I decided to leave my stbxwBPD about 3 weeks ago. Since then I’ve been living out of hotels and Airbnb to avoid her finding me. I spoke with her on the phone the first day/night but she made a couple of threatening statements so I decided to go no contact. Since then, she’s been actively trying to find me... .and just now she succeeded. I decided to stay with a friend as of a couple days ago. Today as I was getting back from work I pulled into the garage, closed the garage door and then walked inside (the garage is connected to the house). Once inside I immediately heard a knock at the door. I had a bad feeling so I went upstairs, looked out the window and saw her car parked in the driveway. She kept knocking and ringing the doorbell for several minutes but I obviously didn’t answer. She left and then about 2 minutes later my friend (who wasn’t home) started texting me that she was messaging him saying “Thanks for helping my husband leave me!” Etc.

I decided not to get an RO previously bcs I figured this would die down... .the first week I was gone, she used my smartphone to find me and stuff like that. I asked my L about a RO but they said the behavior so far didn’t fit the criteria for stalking and I’d have to write an email saying I want absolutely no contact and that she would then have to violate that for me to get one... .

Think it’s time to walk down that road?

[BeagleGirl]

I don't have experience with ROs and more details on your situation may influence my answer, but my first response is that it sounds like you have a few steps you can/should take before going down that road:

1.  Try to diffuse her need to "stalk" you.  You obviously need to feel safe and I can understand circumstances that would make you want to go no contact (I did so for the first month after I left my husband), but is there a middle ground that would work for both of you, or at least clearly establish that it won't work for both of you? 
1 a.  Put a specific time frame on the NC - "I need some time and space to clear my head so that I am able to make wise decisions.  I am requesting no direct contact between us for x amount of time.  I will be contacting you on x day to schedule a time and place to resume contact and discuss how we can move forward." 
1 b.  Accept certain forms of contact with clearly defined boundaries.  I only meet with my husband in public places or in a mutually agreed to counselor's/mediator's/lawyer's office.  All other communication is done via text or email (I can now handle some conversations with him via phone, but I don't pick up if there is even a hint of dysregulation).  I'm also careful to sit closer to the exit (so he can't prevent me from departing) and I'm not shy about leaving the conversation if it gets heated.  I'd be clear that you will respect her right to leave the conversation at any time and you expect the same from her. 

2.  If that fails to halt the "stalking" behavior, do as your L suggests and establish, in writing, the forms of communication/contact that you consider acceptable and start logging any violations.

Best wishes,
BeagleGirl

[Skyhawk]

During my separation from my ex, I filed two injunctions for protection from domestic violence (essentially an RO). She had harmed herself in front of the kids, threatened me with a kitchen knife, told me that 'bad things' were going to happen to me, and broke into my gun safe while overdosing on prescription meds. The police had to kick in the barricaded bedroom door and found her unconscious with two loaded handguns on the bed. I seriously wonder about what she intended to do when I got home, assuming she was still conscious.

Both of my injunctions were denied, without a hearing or explanation, by two different judges. I imagine the state and specific judge make a difference, but my experience was not impressive.

I know how you, feel, as I - and probably many here - have been in your shoes. I would (and did) do what my attorney recommended. She was surprised that the second one was denied, but it was still worth trying. I can say with certainty that if you lived where I do, there is no way you would get your RO. I hope things calm down for you soon, as it can be mentally draining to live like that. Good luck!

[david]

Every locale is different. I live in a county where almost anyone that files a protection order gets one for at least a year. The max is three years and that doesn't normally happen. All you have to say is you are afraid and they grant one. They are scheduled on Wednesday. My xBPDw filed three against me. Two were granted. The second one she wanted to withdraw in court. Don't know why. I actually asked the judge to grant it because it would protect me too. He declined but, we have kids together, I was able to get him to order that I pick our kids up at their school instead of her place in order to make her feel safe. The judge liked that idea and wrote it up.
If she comes knocking again I would call the police. You will then be able to get a police report. If this occurs several times and you have a few reports then the courts will consider your petition more seriously. I would also start recording things to protect yourself. It may not be admissible in court but it may help from you getting arrested.
My ex claimed I assaulted her. I never touched her of course. I was arrested and charged with assault. I went to court and was found guilty of disorderly conduct since there was no evidence and put in jail for two weeks. I lost my job. That was in 2010. I had to wait five years to get my record expunged so that I could go back to teaching.
I have a video recorder and an audio recorder since then. Ex knows it too. She doesn't come near me because I immediately turned the video recorder on the first few times after I was released when I went to pick our boys up at her place.

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry you're feeling unsafe, utnapishtim428

Your L probably knows best how things work where you live.

One other thing to keep in mind is that you will be the one to alert the police when she violates it. For example, if she came to your friend's house and knocked on the door, that would have been a violation. Could you have called the police at that moment? If not, then the RO would not be effective.

An RO is something you can use legally to get yourself some leverage.

There is a chapter in Gavin deBecker's book Gift of Fear that talks about the ins and outs of protective orders.