I’m feeling really anxious about the next couple of days

[5xFive]

We found out today that my MIL has malignant, inoperable, incurable brain cancer. My uBPDh already hates me (his words) for moving to another state to be near my family. Now that we’ve found this out, he has texted me that he will never forgive me now because I cost him precious time he could have spent with his mom and that now everything has changed. I replied that understand and that makes me sad. He then texted me: 
Then you’re going to understand what going to happen over the next couple of days. Sorry.
This sounds very threatening to me and is causing me incredible anxiety.
Can you help me work through this?

[formflier]

OK... please have empathy that your hubby, who isn't able to control his emotions as he should, has gotten some devastating news.

No surprise he hasn't taken it well.

He needs your support.

What would it look like to reach out to him and offer your support? 

Have you ever been through a similar blaming episode in the past?

FF

[5xFive]

Thanks FF.
I have tried to be very empathetic. He’s home now and hasn’t started yelling or screaming so that’s good. It’s usually day 2-3 of his dysregulation that are the worst. I’m really working on my own behavior and I’m hoping we can get through this without arguing.

Yes, just about every time he dysregulates, he blames me because we live here. None of the things that happen to him would ever happen if we lived anywhere else. It all comes down to me wanting to be near my family. Enough that I’m ready to just move because I don’t want to hear about it anymore, I’m worn down about it.

I have been successful in working from home (I lost my job back in October and have managed to get several work from home jobs that make up my portion of the bills) and so I’m pretty flexible about where we live. I told him that we could talk about closing up our house and going to stay with his parents temporarily. He thinks he can take a sabbatical from work and still have a job if or when we come back. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. We have small children. Do we uproot them to take care of family? What happens if someone in my family gets sick in the future. Do we just bounce across the country taking care of our family? On the flip side, what if we don’t go? Do I spend the rest of my life/marriage being blamed for his mom missing out on the children?
I feel like trying to get the family up there is the right thing to do, though I realize a little unorthodox. But a BPD family is a little unorthodox... .
I know my family, my mom, won’t understand and will be difficult about it. But at the same time, my mom is the one who said she was gonna do what she wants with our kids whether we like it or not. So there’s that.
Idk. I’m struggling and I can’t talk to h right now. He’s having a really hard time. They’ve said she has months. Possibly years if chemo and radiation shrink the tumors. But it will kill her. As far as what I’ve been told... .

[Cat Familiar]

What if he goes alone to see his mother? It seems very stressful to uproot your children just so he can be on deathwatch for his mother. And what would you all be doing in the meantime?

I don't mean to sound un-compassionate, but families lose grandparents regularly. I don't see how it would help her for you all to be there 24/7. And certainly it would not be a pleasant scene for your kids to deal with him dysregulating with every decline in her health.

[formflier]

Personal experience here.

My Dad passed away in December after a long battle with stroke/stroke recovery.  He actually had been on the upswing and I had started to investigate costs and practicalities of moving him back home from a skilled nursing facility.  He would have had to have lots of nursing care at home as well.

I'm an only child (does your hubby have siblings?)

My wife had sort of an irrational fear that I would uproot the family and force everyone to move back (8-9 hours away) to help with my Dad and be around me.

My Mom was there full time (devoted her life and every ounce of willpower to her husbands last 7 months alive) and I traveled a lot.  I had a solid church family and support network there... .so lots of texting, calling and checking on things while I wasn't there.

Loosing a Dad is a very different experience than loosing a FIL, or a granddaddy.  It was on me to separate out the difference, yet also have my family come around appropriately to support my Dad.


So... .advice.

"He babe... .tough news about Mom (whatever you call her).  How can I support you?  Want me to give you space or do you want to walk and talk?"  (perhaps a touch on the shoulder or pat on the back)

listen...

I would resist any talk at all about moving kids or families or temporarily closing up the house.  You focus on your life and kids.  I would encourage you to reach out directly and get information yourself and express support yourself.

I would encourage you to look for a long weekend for a visit in a few weeks.  

Big picture:  When tough news shows up (but is not an emergency)... .it's best to "wind the clock".  Gather information

I'm normally not one to advise putting up with B/S from pwBPD.  But... .you are going to have to toughen up here for him.  

Certainly don't accept abuse or name calling... .but you are doing to have to let the more normal BPDish stuff roll off you.

Even abusive stuff... .

"I'm worried about Mom too... .I'm going to take some space... .I'll check on you in 10 minutes"  (don't accuse him of abuse... .but take your space)

 

I predict you will know more in a week... .and have a pretty good picture in a month.

FF

note... .your Mom has no place in this.  Minimize talk with her about it.  Boundaries

[5xFive]

Thank you both.

I do think that in normal circumstances, uprooting the kids to be near their dying grandmother would not be an option. With a healthy spouse, I can’t imagine it would be something that would be discussed. It is not something that I would want to do even if it were my mom who was sick (I don’t think). The problem is that my husband WANTS to take the kids up there. He thinks his mom deserves to spend the rest of her time on this earth near her grandkids. He thinks that we ripped them away from her when our son was first born (to move here) and that they have lost all of that time together. That we should go so that they can know her better and have memories of her, and she can live out her days with them near by.
I did gently ask him if he thought it was a good idea, considering that she will be going through both chemo and radiation, and will be feeling very sick. Did he really want our kids to watch her get more and more sick, and be a part of that. His response was as I said above. That he thinks she deserves their company and he thinks they should be there... .
Also, I spoke to my fil today. He had a stroke almost 20 years ago and he’s severely disabled from it. He relies on my mil totally and completely. He started crying on the phone and told me that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do, that he just wants to die with her. My h told me that his dad said the same thing to him, but said that he will NOT live past her, he will find a way to kill himself. He has attempted suicide before. The last time was about 10 years ago. I remember that day, it was terrifying. I had never experienced anything like that before then.
I don’t know for sure, but it seems to me as if my husband thinks that if we move up there, and take the kids, that he/they will be able to save his parents lives. I think if I don’t go along with whatever he wants in this situation, he will not only blame me for them losing time with the kids and the kids losing time with them, but I have this deep aching fear that he will blame me for his parents deaths. He mentioned something along those lines in passing and it was like all the air went out of the room and my ears instantly filled with cotton. I couldn’t hear anything else, I couldn’t breathe.
Does this make sense? Am I projecting fear? How do you make adult decisions with a pwBPD when they make all of their decisions based on how they FEEL in that moment?

[formflier]

 

OK... your husband can believe what he wants to believe.

Part of the problem with pwBPD is that people all around them knock themselves out trying to rearrange the world to fit the skewed worldview of a pwBPD.

 So... .pwBPD start expecting that more and more... .so people try harder and harder to please them... .eventually they just can't be pleased... .and the relationship finally dies out.

Wind the clock... .listen to you husband.  Very different than making active plans with him... .or actually doing things (like moving the family)

Perhaps there is some of the lesson here to not validate the invalid. 

You decided to move... .

You did not decide to "rip people away" or "deprive" people of time with your kids.

You decided to move...

Note... .don't try to convince him of this, but for dang sure don't validate the invalid.

FF

[formflier]

  How do you make adult decisions with a pwBPD when they make all of their decisions based on how they FEEL in that moment?

This needs to be broken out separately.

You make decisions like an adult.  Period.

That may mean you don't get to make the decision "with" your pwBPD.

It may mean that he makes a decision on his own that you don't agree with.

It may mean that you make a decision he doesn't agree with.

Offer compromise.  Don't be surprised if their version of compromise is "you do it my way". 

That means no compromise.    You do it your way... .he does it his way.

The status quo usually wins in situations like that. 

FF

[pearlsw]

Hi 5xFive,

Just catching up here on things... .See you are going through an exceptionally tough time with this health news/family stress... .How are things going? Anything new to share?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Hi 5xFive,

I think you're getting great advice already, but I wanted to drop in and send you some hugs
         
I am so sorry for the awful situation you are in.  There's no sugar coating it.  It sounds excruciatingly painful and I'm sorry you are in such an impossible situation.

Last year, my mother-in-law died from cancer.  We made a couple of trips out with our kids.  The last one was about three weeks before she died.  I am glad we went, but she was so sick the kids didn't really get any quality time with her.  The visit several months before she died was much better.  I think it could be a good idea to get the kids up there for a short trip to visit her as soon as possible, take some pictures, and spend some time together while she is still feeling well.  I agree with formflier's caution not to hurry to uproot your family to go help a dysfunctional family when you may actually not be able to make things better.  But I know there are no easy answers here.

How have things gone in the last couple of days?

   

WW

[Radcliff]

5xFive,

We haven't forgotten about ya

You were going through a tough time.  I imagine it is still tough.  We are thinking about you, and would be glad to hear from you when you are ready.

Take care,

WW