I don’t feel like people with BPD suffer as much as we think

[SlyQQ]

It is very unusual for them not to have a plan unless it is one of the very first relationships,

what makes them implement the plan?

[Harley Quinn]

If I understand correctly, what we're talking about here is when fear of engulfment sets in and the pwBPD pulls back from the r/s.  Fear of abandonment can equally cause a pwBPD to seek outside options for a sense of security and also to 'leave first' so that the expected abandonment cannot happen. 

To answer your question SlyQQ, when a new attachment is formed and deemed 'secure' then that is likely the time to find an opportunity/create a situation which warrants detachment from the current partner.  It can of course vary from r/s to r/s, sufferer to sufferer.  No two relationships are exactly the same and BPD is a spectrum disorder. 

Love and light x

[enlighten me]

I don't think its a planning thing or fear of engulfment.

The way I see it a pwBPD just wants to be happy. When they meet someone that person has the potential to make them happy. During the idolisation phase they don't see our faults and were on our best behaviour. Idolisation cant last for ever. I believe this is due to brain chemistry and that during idolisation they are flooded with happy hormones like us. As these hormones dwindle/ become less effective they start to see our flaws. Were not as great as they thought but were still pretty good. The longer things go on the less we meet their expectations. We cant be there for them 24/7 as we have work and other commitments. Were not telepathically linked to them so were not the soulmate who just knows them and knows what they want. As time goes on more and more little things build up. Every small perceived slight is stored and replayed by them until they all build up to a point where they decide were not the one to make them happy and they want to leave.

[SlyQQ]

I have found that there basic insecurities and fear of dysregulation if a precipitous break up should happen

makes  a back up plan to implement very attractive . Especially when they know an eventual break up is going to happen, so they prepare for the eventuality'

including prospective partners to slot in straight away or that may be brought on the scene as necessary,

its a a security blanket , or insurance policy,


the straw that breaks the camels back could be anything though.

[tiki]

I just feel like they have ways to avoid pain that we don’t have.  And that humans are another tool for them to avoid pain. That’s why other people end up being the one to carry their pain. It’s like substance abuse but with humans.

While my situation was ongoing my journals were taken over with dealing with this stuff.  It was like I was doing his introspection work. I feel he made the last few years of my life all about him. And I have heavy journals filled with the work I’ve had to do to deal with this. I feel like I was such a surrogate.

Maybe it’s like they live things out unconsciously while we have to deal with it consciously.

Which thing sounds easier?

[enlighten me]

Hi Tiki

Yes its all about them. This is where emotional immaturity helps to  explain their behaviour. Instead of an adult imagine your ex as a child of 5 or 6. At that age its all about them. They are cared for, fed and every want is taken care of for them.

Ive often recalled interactions with my ex and replaced her with a child in my mind and its amazing how well it fits. Its also quite liberating as rather than seeing my ex and being angry I see a small child and I'm not angry. This has helped me let go of my anger which is based on a person doing things on purpose and instead pity my ex as she is trapped in the emotional mind of a child.

[The Cat in d Hat]

Mine upwBPD would break things off, and then be able to post a smiling picture, and later go out with her friends. One of the times she just went shopping and sent a pic of what she bought, even though hours earlier she said I can’t do this anymore. Every time she ended it, she’d be just fine carrying on with her life.

[tiki]

Hi Tiki

Yes its all about them. This is where emotional immaturity helps to  explain their behaviour. Instead of an adult imagine your ex as a child of 5 or 6. At that age its all about them. They are cared for, fed and every want is taken care of for them.

Ive often recalled interactions with my ex and replaced her with a child in my mind and its amazing how well it fits. Its also quite liberating as rather than seeing my ex and being angry I see a small child and I'm not angry. This has helped me let go of my anger which is based on a person doing things on purpose and instead pity my ex as she is trapped in the emotional mind of a child.

Yes. I think it’s very conflicting to have to go back between our image of them as a normal person and the reality. I wonder if maybe it screws me up more to have contact with him because when I do I see a person and I want understanding from that person. But it’s misleading because they aren’t like the other humans even though they appear to be. You know? It’s like interacting with the flesh and blood person makes me have some sort of expectation that they will behave like everybody.  And in my mind I can remember our bonding moments or their smile or a moment where I can observe some kind of gentle nature and it’s confusing because it makes me expect normal things and normal reactions. I guess another reason to separate myself.

I wonder sometimes if it’s not just more helpful to view him as a composite instead of a person.

And I should say I’ve had two female friends in my life who were diagnosed BPD and they were nothing like this. So I’m not saying all pwBPD should be viewed as composites but in this case.

[Pretty Woman]

I feel like it’s much worse. Because persons with BPD don’t grieve the end of one relationship their entire life is a cesspool of drama and erratic instability. It’s continuous and never ending unless they actively seek treatment. They are constantly bouncing from person to person, burning, no torching bridges as they go. I know in my ex’s case, she will approach people she decimated... .years later, only to be rebuffed, blocked and ignored. She had expressed genuine sadness over this... .it’s as if she has no idea how terrible her actions were.

No, they don’t suffer like we do. We try to apply reason to something that is unreasonable. I think it feels like we are suffering more because we are attaching a label to this, and if our ex, significant other, friend or family member doesn’t check off every box for BPD we doubt ourselves, we start to think maybe it was just us.  

I don’t envy anyone with this.  Yeah it hurt like h to see my ex flounce off days after dumping me for the “love of her life” but as of three days ago she is reaching out to mutual friends who discarded her at the time of our break up three years ago. Like clockwork she is engaged and things are headed south.
Three years is a long time. When you think about the fact she follows the same pattern over and over, never reaching marriage, never getting to that happy place... .well it’s really quite sad. In three years I’ve done some healing, some growing. In three years she’s built up someone who believes this is their happy ever after, but it’s likely not.

[tiki]

I feel like it’s much worse. Because persons with BPD don’t grieve the end of one relationship their entire life is a cesspool of drama and erratic instability. It’s continuous and never ending unless they actively seek treatment. They are constantly bouncing from person to person, burning, no torching bridges as they go. I know in my ex’s case, she will approach people she decimated... .years later, only to be rebuffed, blocked and ignored. She had expressed genuine sadness over this... .it’s as if she has no idea how terrible her actions were.

No, they don’t suffer like we do. We try to apply reason to something that is unreasonable. I think it feels like we are suffering more because we are attaching a label to this, and if our ex, significant other, friend or family member doesn’t check off every box for BPD we doubt ourselves, we start to think maybe it was just us. 

I don’t envy anyone with this.  Yeah it hurt like h to see my ex flounce off days after dumping me for the “love of her life” but as of three days ago she is reaching out to mutual friends who discarded her at the time of our break up three years ago. Like clockwork she is engaged and things are headed south.
Three years is a long time. When you think about the fact she follows the same pattern over and over, never reaching marriage, never getting to that happy place... .well it’s really quite sad. In three years I’ve done some healing, some growing. In three years she’s built up someone who believes this is their happy ever after, but it’s likely not.

Reading that I feel worse for the person you mentioned who believes that this is their happy ever after then I do for your ex.

I think my person is presently in honeymoon phase of his new thing. Honeymoon phases are the best things on earth.

[Jeffree]

If I had to guess, any road to spiritual enlightenment involves just about the complete opposite of what pwBPDs do.

The original eight Buddhist practices in the Noble Eightfold Path are:

Right understanding: Understanding that the Four Noble Truths are noble and true.

Right thought: Determining and resolving to practice Buddhist faith.

Right speech: Avoiding slander, gossip, lying, and all forms of untrue and abusive speech.

Right conduct: Adhering to the idea of nonviolence (ahimsa), as well as refraining from any form of stealing or sexual impropriety.

Right means of making a living: Not slaughtering animals or working at jobs that force you to violate others.

Right mental attitude or effort: Avoiding negative thoughts and emotions, such as anger and jealousy.

Right mindfulness: Having a clear sense of one’s mental state and bodily health and feelings.

Right concentration: Using meditation to reach the highest level of enlightenment.

I'm no Buddhist, but this gives you an idea of just how unenlightened your average BPD is versus your average non.

J

[tiki]

If I had to guess, any road to spiritual enlightenment involves just about the complete opposite of what pwBPDs do.

The original eight Buddhist practices in the Noble Eightfold Path are:

Right understanding: Understanding that the Four Noble Truths are noble and true.

Right thought: Determining and resolving to practice Buddhist faith.

Right speech: Avoiding slander, gossip, lying, and all forms of untrue and abusive speech.

Right conduct: Adhering to the idea of nonviolence (ahimsa), as well as refraining from any form of stealing or sexual impropriety.

Right means of making a living: Not slaughtering animals or working at jobs that force you to violate others.

Right mental attitude or effort: Avoiding negative thoughts and emotions, such as anger and jealousy.

Right mindfulness: Having a clear sense of one’s mental state and bodily health and feelings.

Right concentration: Using meditation to reach the highest level of enlightenment.

I'm no Buddhist, but this gives you an idea of just how unenlightened your average BPD is versus your average non.

J

Totally, completely and absolutely. And it’s true this should be the road to happiness or as they say inner peace and not stitched together honeymoons.

But they feel good don’t they?

[Jeffree]

I doubt anyone who has to do the mental gymnastics and engage in the addictive behaviors they do just to function in life could be happy.

J

[tiki]

I doubt anyone who has to do the mental gymnastics and engage in the addictive behaviors they do just to function in life could be happy.

J

Well but they experience a type of euphoria I’ve read? It also seems as if they can also conveniently go numb.

[Jeffree]

So, if someone gets a form of euphoria out of cutting themselves, they're happier in that moment than the non-cutter who is sitting with their feeling of sadness?

J

[tiki]

So, if someone gets a form of euphoria out of cutting themselves, they're happier in that moment than the non-cutter who is sitting with their feeling of sadness?

J

I don’t know if it’s euphoria a person feels when they cut. More a sense of pain relief? I just feel like I have carried his pain and I still carry it. I don’t think he is presently feeling it. It’s more then sadness that I feel. Granted I should be able to eventually be okay again. But somebody else in the future will probably be where I am in direct relation to him. So do pwBPD suffer as much as the people around them do? Seems like we do their suffering for them.  

[Jeffree]

So you're questioning if you're more in touch with his pain than he is?

J