custody battle...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello everyone!

This is my first time on the site, I thought I could reach out for some advice. I've been going through a divorce and a custody battle for 2 1/2 years now with my ex who I believe he has BPD. He has been physically abusive to me on a number of occasions until I finally left and moved 2 hours away from him with our daughter. He moved us down to a small town far away from any other civilization and so when I left the relationship after he threatened to kill me, I felt I had to move AWAY! The restraining order I filed was dismissed and we've been sharing custody of our daughter.

Well, we are about to go to court for a hearing over custody, since this arrangement is not working. We had a custody evaluator go over our case and with all of his blaming and accusations, he seemed to sway the evaluator to recommend that I move back down to this small town, so we can share custody as our daughter enters kindergarten.

How is this happening? Why does no one care about how abusive he is? How and why can the court order me to move back within close proximity to this violent man with no family or support around?

Is anyone else experiencing some twisted situation?

Thanks

[eauclaire]

Hello everyone!

This is my first time on the site, I thought I could reach out for some advice. I've been going through a divorce and a custody battle for 2 1/2 years now with my ex who I believe he has BPD. He has been physically abusive to me on a number of occasions until I finally left and moved 2 hours away from him with our daughter. He moved us down to a small town far away from any other civilization and so when I left the relationship after he threatened to kill me, I felt I had to move AWAY! The restraining order I filed was dismissed and we've been sharing custody of our daughter.

Well, we are about to go to court for a hearing over custody, since this arrangement is not working. We had a custody evaluator go over our case and with all of his blaming and accusations, he seemed to sway the evaluator to recommend that I move back down to this small town, so we can share custody as our daughter enters kindergarten.

How is this happening? Why does no one care about how abusive he is? How and why can the court order me to move back within close proximity to this violent man with no family or support around?

Is anyone else experiencing some twisted situation?

Thanks

[ForeverDad]

The custody evaluator may recommend you move back but maybe it's not enforceable?  Often if the parents live distant from one another the parenting schedule is adaapted to the circumstances.

Hmm... .You both moved, right?  Over two years ago?  How long had you moved away when H filed or wanted you to return?  Was the case already started when you moved away?  I'm quite confused about the timing of events.  Usually when a case is pending you can't move too far away.  However, I don't believe you need to live that close to him or the small community.  Living 25 or 50 miles away shouldn't be a concern to most courts.  What I'm saying is you probably don't have to move that close to him.

Was his abuse documented or at least supported by your reports in the past?  It's self-sabotaging to hide abuse, hiding it makes it harder later to prove it happened.  Vague and all-encompassing statements don't hold much weight.  "He always... ." and "She always... ." are typically so bereft of details that judges consider them hearsay and largely ignore them.  I'm guessing the evaluator got caught up in ex's emotionally compelling claims made with such emphasis that he figured "where there's that much smoke, surely there must be a fire somewhere".

Do you have a good lawyer, one experienced and proactive?  You need more than a forms filer and hand holder who can only handles settlements and not court.

Joint custody is common, courts try not to have a parent feel lock out of the child's life.  But in some cases you need to

[Radcliff]

Hello eauclaire,

I'm so sorry to hear of your difficult situation.  I have the same questions the ForeverDad had about your lawyer and any abuse documentation you might have.  What accusations has your ex placed against you?  What evidence has he used?

Have you considered being evaluated as a domestic violence victim?  Your lawyer can hire your own expert who understands how to assess domestic violence victims.  They typically would interview you, give you surveys to fill out about the methods your ex used and your responses, and that report then becomes official documentation that can be given to the custody evaluator.  This takes some time, so it would be something to ask your lawyer about.

WW

[eauclaire]

Thanks y'all!

Abuse was not officially documented, which was unfortunate on my part (I was scared and felt helpless... .and all the other things). I do have pictures of bruises, but other than that, not much evidence. I do have recording of him admitting to the abuse though.

My lawyer, I believe is good, but I did just hire her a few months ago. There is slim pickings down where the case is taking place. She is the only family lawyer in the area. We both moved to this little town and lived there for a year before I moved +75 miles away. I moved away Almost 2 1/2 years ago. When we received our first custody arrangement, the fact that I was living so far away was not brought up and we just met in the middle to transport our daughter.

I like your idea, Wentworth, on asking for some experts to access the situation further. At this point, I'm trying to build my case as being the victim to domestic violence. With the case being held in such a small town, and him being a top business man in the community, I feel like I am not being heard in this case.

Just fighting here,
eauclaire

[Radcliff]

eauclaire,

I think I must be missing something.  Or at least, I don't understand.  How can the court force you to move?  What is the exact nature of your current custody arrangement?  Is it 50/50?  Does one of you have more rights than the other to decide where your daughter goes to school?  What does your lawyer say about all of this?

WW

[ForeverDad]

Wentworth's question is valid, after living some distance away, it is doubtful the court can order you to move back.  (If you had moved away within the past 6 months then our answer could be different, excluding the DV factor.)  Typically courts deal with "what is" and you have definitely established a 'history' living elsewhere and over two years later it is doubtful he could successfully force you to move back.  Yes, it a PITA to deal with his legal maneuver but you and your lawyer ought to be able to get that dismissed or denied.

A custody battle can continue long after the divorce is final.  Many here can testify to that.  Do you have a final decree in the divorce case?  If not then probably you're still parenting with a temp order?

So it is evidently shared legal custody?  That is common.  Who is viewed as the Primary Parent?  For example, where do (or will) the children attend school?  If they attend or will attend school in your area then you are almost surely considered the Primary Parent.

From another angle, do you share time equally?  Or do you have majority time on the parenting schedule?  If you have majority time then you are almost surely considered the Primary Parent.

Being considered Primary Parent (or some similar standing with the court depending on your state's terminology) ought to put you more or less in the driver's seat, at least overall due to your history of the past two years, and the court will not treat a major change lightly.

Another thought... .since your recognized Residence (6 months can establish Residency for custody/parenting cases) is probably not in his county, have you considered petitioning the court to move your case from his county to your county?  That's a legal question so you might want to consult not just your lawyer in his area, but also some experienced proactive lawyers in your current area.