Divorcing my wife with BPD

[samriti]

Hello everyone.  I apologize for the length of this post - it's my first.

I am a 41-year-old male who has been married to my wife for almost 15 years.  We have 2 girls, one 15 and one 7.  I moved out of our house 3 months ago and into a nearby rent house.  We are in the process of going through a divorce - which she filed after I moved out.  We are currently sharing 50/50 custody with the children. 

A little background on my wife:  I met her at a job many years ago.  We had a flirty relationship at work, but I never had the guts to ask her out.  She was funny, spunky, and had a huge heart.  She went away to college for a year and we kept in touch.  She came back after that year and came up to work.  We reconnected, and I asked her out to lunch.  I always joked that she was stalking me.  We had a whirlwind romance and quickly became an item. 

She told me that she was told by doctors she would never be able to have kids.  We had lots of unprotected sex and 4 months after getting together she was pregnant with our first child.  It was during this time that I first noticed BPD behavior.  I naturally felt like she purposely got pregnant to force a marriage.  My family felt that way as well and had no problems telling me.  There were huge fights because I wasn't willing to have a shotgun wedding.  She would threaten to drive her car off a cliff or otherwise harm herself.  I remember clearly a call from her where she was sitting in an abortion clinic parking lot threatening to have an abortion if I didn't marry her. 

We went through lots of therapy and got married in the Catholic church.  Because she was pregnant the church had many prerequisites including couple-to-couple, counseling with the priest and other professionals, etc.  We completed all that through the first year and married when my daughter was 6 months old.  This whole ordeal would continue to haunt me throughout our marriage.  My unwillingness to marry on her schedule would almost always come up as the reason for all her problems. 

I spent many years trying to "help" or "fix" her.  I encouraged her to finish her college which she always wanted to give up.  It took nearly 7 years but she did manage to finish nursing school and has been an RN for 8 years.  We went to numerous marriage counselors spending thousands of dollars.  Every time I felt like we were starting to make progress and some of her behaviors were being identified, she would have a reason to quit. 

While her BPD has always caused issues, serious problems did not start until about 7 years ago when she began having substance abuse problems.  It started with a prescription for hydrocodone for "nondescript pain" and quickly evolved into full blown addiction.  I let myself enable her by getting my own prescription for narcotics which she used (pills really aren't my thing, I prefer weed to hide from problems - but I digress).  Eventually she started buying them when the prescriptions were not enough.  At one point she was spending over $1000 a month for the habit. 

Those behaviors led to me several years ago I trying to separate / divorce.  I decided to talk to her about it and of course it enraged her.  She filed for divorce - which I see now was a manipulation to get me to stay.  It was a living hell for almost a month and I eventually caved.  During this time she went to NA, therapy, and started taking Suboxone to stop the narcotics.  These efforts lead me to give her another chance.  All efforts - except for the Suboxone - stopped very quickly afterwards.  The narcotics were quickly replaced with alcohol, ambien, and Xanax which - while cheaper on the bank account - were almost worse.  The final straw was a vacation we took with my work where she was so high on Xanax she could barely function the whole weekend.  I was extremely embarrassed and angry - I knew that the situation was not going to change so I began planning my exit.

This time I didn't tell her, my parents lent me some money to get a rent house and I left one day while she was at work.  I didn't take anything but my clothes and personal belongings.  The first few months were terrible, and she was extremely unstable.  She's become a little more accepting of the fact that I am gone - at least it seems that way.  Unfortunately, she was fired from her job the same day.  This didn't surprise me as she can't keep a job and had 4 different jobs in 2017 alone.  About a week later she had another job, so her income continued.  Despite the fact that I didn't really have money for a divorce, she went and filed again.  She also filed an emergency protective order and I was unable to see or have contact with my children for 2 weeks.  At that point I hired a lawyer who was able to get the protective order dropped.  She had no real basis, but it was still torture for me and the children.

Both girls are in therapy - the same therapist that my wife uses currently.  I didn't find out until last week that the therapist believed my wife had BPD.  What was striking to me was that I told the therapist that I felt like I always had to walk on eggshells.  She said that's interesting and slid a book over to me.  I've spent the last 2 days reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it is a HUGE relief because the book explains what I've been going through my whole marriage.  She is unwilling to admit anything is wrong with her and that I'm the one who needs the "help."  The therapist has helped me realize that while I may not have dealt with it the right way throughout the years, the root of the problem lies with my wife. 

This brings me to the real reason for my post.  In addition to seeking support from others who have been there, I'm looking for some help with how to proceed with my children.  The relationship between my 15-year-old and her mother has been in shambles for many years.  She doesn't feel safe, loved, or accepted by her mother.  She experiences the opposite with me.  I try to concentrate on what my sophomore does right while my wife only concentrates on what she does wrong.  Her school work has been well below average; however, she has recently been academically reborn.  Aside from my knowing that what I have done was the right thing for me personally, it has proven to have been absolutely the right thing for my daughter.

The my eldest knows that she can voice her opinion and has been adamant that she wants to live with me and have nothing to do with her "crazy" mom.  This is one of the reasons I have her in therapy.  I feel that she needs to have a relationship with her mother and that writing her off at 15 could have lasting negative effects.  With that said, I am not prepared to force her to stay in an emotionally abusive house. 

I have hired a guardian ad litem to represent the children in the legal system.  The therapist recommended it because it is her belief that the children are terrified of their mother and - at least for now - should live where they feel safe and there is structure.  In my state the courts will recognize the wishes of children over 12 years old.

However, this leaves me in a very difficult situation about what to do with the 7-year-old.  She is struggling with the divorce and also expresses that she only wants to see her mother every "once in a while." 

I want to say that I absolutely do not want to take the children from my wife.  She has a huge heart and down deep is a loving mother.  The BPD hides all this, and the "I love you" side very rarely comes out anymore.  While I don't think she's exactly physically abusive, there have been physical altercations with both children that sometimes leaves marks.  The oldest is a very good kid.  She's never in trouble, doesn't really go out, talks to me about everything and helps around the house.  Most of her problems are conflicts with my wife.  My wife feels she is disrespectful yet has done nothing to earn the respect of my daughter. 

The 7-year-old is much different.  She is defiant and extremely difficult.  I even swat her butt sometimes for misbehavior.  But just last week I was sent a picture of a clear red and welted handprint on her leg.  I do believe my wife loses control and puts a little more force behind swats than she should.  I don't worry about their safety except for when my wife drives them around and especially when she drives on drugs.  She is an extremely aggressive driver even when sober.  I often said that I knew the way I would die was in a car with her driving.

I know it seems obvious that I should protect my children and I am doing everything I can.  But it's so hard because I know how much my wife loves them and how much it will hurt her.  Compound that with my departure and I'm worried about how she will react. 

My question for the group is:

-   What do you do? 
-   For others who are going through or have gone through this type of situation: what worked and what didn't? 
-   What other steps, besides what I have already outlined should I take? 
-   Do I let the older live with me full time and let the 7-year-old switch? 
-   Do I try to get full custody of both children? 

I'd love to hear from anyone who can help and I thank you for reading my long story. 

[ForeverDad]

Generally the children don't see the same therapist or counselor as the parent.  I guess you trust the therapist to be impartial?  Do the children trust the counselor enough to confide in him/her?

While the court often doesn't listen to the wishes of a young child, not until the preteen years, likely the assigned Guardian ad Litem (GAL) can make recommendations for the youngest especially.  Courts seldom want to split the children.  Frankly, the children would do best with you and I believe the T can inform the GAL that fact too.  At least secure yourself as Primary Parent, perhaps too Decision Making or Tie Breaker status so you don't get stuck on lengthy disagreements.

As for the youngest, you would do best with at least majority time.  Could mother do better with alternate weekends?

Some states see all physical punishment as abuse, others don't and have gray areas.  Be cautious when punishing, stay within your laws and certainly don't give your ex an excuse to make such allegations against you.

We all have your "fairness" nature, partly that's what got us into our messes.   But you can't let your sense of fairness impact good parenting.  You have to balance your wishes for your stbEx to parent against the damaging impact on your children.  Frankly, most courts seem to have procedures and policies that default to unwritten preference for mothers, so if you're concerned about blocking her too much, don't worry, courts will take care of protecting her interests more than you can.  Understand that your sense of being "overly fair" can end up sabotaging yourself.

While a court does get concerned when a parent gets DUIs, it may only tell the parent not to be impaired before and during visitation.  It is even more concerned when the children are in the car and put at risk too.  Ask your lawyer how to inform police when you know she's particularly impacted and is driving with the children.  I used to exchange my child at the local sheriff's office.  If you do something like that you could go inside and say you're reluctant to let the children go with their mother because she appears under the influence of something and you're concerned of her driving with the kids.

[livednlearned]

Hi samriti,

I admire you for having the strength and courage to move out -- taking care of ourselves while being married to someone with BPD takes a tremendous amount of strength, even though it may not seem that way at the time.

-   What do you do?  
-   For others who are going through or have gone through this type of situation: what worked and what didn't?  
-   What other steps, besides what I have already outlined should I take?  
-   Do I let the older live with me full time and let the 7-year-old switch?  
-   Do I try to get full custody of both children?  

One thing to think about is the genetic predisposition to BPD. If your 7-year-old is showing signs of emotional dysregulation this young, it will only become harder for her to regulate emotions as she gets older, especially at age 8 when social approval and interpersonal relationships become more challenging.

Having a BPD ex is challenging, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. But having a BPD child is a whole other level of suffering that can shatter a heart.  I'm not saying your D7 is BPD, only that emotional sensitivity worsens in an emotionally invalidating environment, like living with a BPD mother.

My son has a sensitive genotype that I see was there all along. He was 8 when he started to decompensate at school, and it was a psychiatric evaluation in 4th grade that made me realize he would never survive another decade living with his BPD father.

It is very scary to worry about the abandonment depression BPD sufferers experience, and the high rate of suicidality among people with BPD is heart breaking.

You have a hard decision to make -- your older daughter sounds somewhat resilient. Younger daughter maybe needs more structure and stability and a validating environment, something she may not get from a BPD parent.

This stuff gets clearer as you gain some distance from the enabling/rescuing/saving/fixing behaviors that probably marked your marriage.

My BPDx abused prescription drugs and alcohol, too. He sort of sobered up during the custody battle, but I sensed that he lapsed (without real proof) and one night when then S11 was at his dad's house I thought BPDx was going to kill himself and our son.

It can feel like a living nightmare

Get as much custody and therapy for you and the girls as you can.

[samriti]

Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice.  I am trying my hardest to limit communication with my stbEX except when it concerns the children.  It's almost impossible because she calls and texts almost constantly about this or that.  She's locked out of the house, can't fill up her air in her tire, etc etc.  My efforts to ignore these types of conversations only spawns more calls and accusations. 

The most recent issue is my 15 year old completed drivers education and was able to get her permit.  She did not want mom to go because she was sure mom would make her drive home or something.  She's very nervous about driving so I've been letting her drive when she asks and feels comfortable.  She drove home last night - the first time on a main road.  She did great! However my taking D15 to get the permit without mom has been a huge source of drama.  I didn't have the heart to tell her D15 didn't want her there.  It's these kinds of situations I'm having so much trouble with.  I understand mom's desire to be present, but her ruined relationship will take longer than a week to mend. 

I'm still trying to wade through the resources on this site and gain some more knowledge.  I'm not sure if it feels good to know that others are experiencing the same thing I am - or if it just really makes me sad. 

[ForeverDad]

It has be observed now and again that when the teens get a drivers license and a car they pretty much "vote with their feet" despite what the order states.  While we can't give our overt blessings to it if it contrary to an order, when it is done right it can work out well.

You did well taking your daughter to her test.  You knew it would be better all around that way.  I recall when my son was about 2 years old and I had been preparing for a day surgery.  The first visits I handled by myself and all went well.  Then on the that day I needed a driver for the return home.  Yes, it was my now-ex.  Waiting room time imploded when she got up and went to the reception desk demanding to make a complaint against one of the nurses who was "looking at her son in a discriminatory way".  Ack!  I guided her outside and told her to wait in the car with our son.  It was mid-winter and cold.  I went back inside and was almost immediately called for treatment.  Yikes!  I would be awake during it all and the kind nurse asked if I'd like a calming pill.  Um, yeah!  (I should have asked for two!)  My spouse didn't consider the impact on me and my surgery, all she thought about was herself and her paranoid perceptions.

[livednlearned]

I am trying my hardest to limit communication with my stbEX except when it concerns the children.  It's almost impossible because she calls and texts almost constantly about this or that.  She's locked out of the house, can't fill up her air in her tire, etc etc.  My efforts to ignore these types of conversations only spawns more calls and accusations.

That part is tough.

It sounds she experiences extinction bursts when you try to set a boundary.

People with BPD will often do anything to fulfill whatever needs must be met in the moment. Only those needs matter, and many boundaries get mowed down in the process.

The key for us is to have consistent boundaries and find a way to manage our own distress when we set those boundaries.

There are different skills available to us depending on what outcome is preferable. Most if not all of the effort will fall to you... .

[Radcliff]

I can relate to not wanting to harm the children's relationship with their mother.  I've got two thoughts for you.  The fact that you have a  GAL involved is excellent.  They can help take some of the responsibility for limiting your wife's contact time.  It's not all on you.  The other thing is to look at this as what is being decided for now.  Your wife is where she is, and D7 is vulnerable.  If your wife improves, and as D7 grows, you can make adjustments.  Your first responsibility is to protect your daughters, and to provide a safe, accepting environment where they can grow.  It is not your responsibility to protect your wife from the natural consequences of her actions.

WW

[flourdust]

There are some techniques you can try to manage your ex over-communicating, especially if that communication is a form of conflict. For example, you can plan to only respond to her once per day using one mode of communication, such as email, unless there is an emergency or time-sensitive need.

She may send you twenty texts and leave ten voicemails during the day. You can scan those and then in the evening, identify any questions that need responding and send a single BIFF response via email. It's likely that a lot of her communications don't really require a response.

[ozmatoz]

She may send you twenty texts and leave ten voicemails during the day. You can scan those and then in the evening, identify any questions that need responding and send a single BIFF response via email. It's likely that a lot of her communications don't really require a response.

This is great advice, my uBPDw abuses me through text constantly.  It is REALLY hard to not reply when facts and history are be re-written right before your eyes.  The manufactured chaos is really hard to deal with.  I will say that there are some days that I jump in but the fact that there are now some days that I don't the amount of texting actually has decreased.

I moved out for a month, but without any concrete decisions and not actually filing the "custody" of the kids became such an issue that I moved back in.  It was right before Christmas so it was actually nice to be there for the kids.  Still there and its still terrible... .

Good luck!