Divorce coparenting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hiya,

I am a 44 year old man who is divorcing my 35 year old wife. We had been together for 17 years, 9 married. Although she has always struggled with her mental health, the diagnosis of BPD was a lightbulb moment for me in 2014. It explained a lot of the behaviour and problems that we had been through. I have played the role of codependant or rescuer.

We are divorcing following her affair with a coworker that started 6 weeks after commencing a new career and job. We can divorce on the grounds of 12 months separation in one month, but her new relationship has failed and she seeks a return to me and advised that she will not sign the divorce papers.

I feel the happiest I have been in years. I have no desire to return to that relationship and prefer being single. We are co-parents of 2 children ( 50/50). The separation agreement favours me, and is a legal contract.

For the last year, the co-parenting  has been amicable and I believe we both desire that to continue. My ex is very attractive and has (and will have) no problem attracting attention. I believe that as soon as someone else comes on the scene the pressure will be off me.   So accordingly, my current plan is:

1. To remain clear of any entanglement
2. Try sending the divorce papers and await the response
3a: If positive, divorce and carry on,
3b: If negative, await a further 12 months and complete the divorce without consent (which the law here allows on 24 months separation). And carry on.

My original plan had been to divorce on the grounds of adultery, or irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, but the process draggged on so long that 12 months separation seems the most sensible and least provoking to my ex.
Any advice from people in this or similar situations?

Thanks in anticipation

Lavarelic

 

[lavarelic]

Hiya,

I am a 44 year old man who is divorcing my 35 year old wife. We had been together for 17 years, 9 married. Although she has always struggled with her mental health, the diagnosis of BPD was a lightbulb moment for me in 2014. It explained a lot of the behaviour and problems that we had been through. I have played the role of codependant or rescuer.

We are divorcing following her affair with a coworker that started 6 weeks after commencing a new career and job. We can divorce on the grounds of 12 months separation in one month, but her new relationship has failed and she seeks a return to me and advised that she will not sign the divorce papers.

I feel the happiest I have been in years. I have no desire to return to that relationship and prefer being single. We are co-parents of 2 children ( 50/50). The separation agreement favours me, and is a legal contract.

For the last year, the co-parenting  has been amicable and I believe we both desire that to continue. My ex is very attractive and has (and will have) no problem attracting attention. I believe that as soon as someone else comes on the scene the pressure will be off me.   So accordingly, my current plan is:

1. To remain clear of any entanglement
2. Try sending the divorce papers and await the response
3a: If positive, divorce and carry on,
3b: If negative, await a further 12 months and complete the divorce without consent (which the law here allows on 24 months separation). And carry on.

My original plan had been to divorce on the grounds of adultery, or irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, but the process draggged on so long that 12 months separation seems the most sensible and least provoking to my ex.
Any advice from people in this or similar situations?

Thanks in anticipation

Lavarelic

 

[ForeverDad]

If she now doesn't want a divorce, she can only delay it, she can't stop it.  The court is there to ensure certain laws and rules are followed as the marriage is unwinding.  Court also relies on other professionals such as lawyers, evaluators, mediators, etc.

Also, most here have noticed that claiming the stbEx has an undiagnosed Personality Disorder generally doesn't get much attention.  Court seems to avoid diagnostic labels and besides it will bluntly tell us we're not mental health experts.  Even if we were doctors the court would have to listen elsewhere because, as I've heard, a doctor should not be evaluating or providing serious care for family members.  Court relies heavily on professional input as well as behaviors and behavior patterns.  It does not try to fix the messed up parent.

While it is good to report both adult misbehaviors (such as the conflict we've faced) and parenting misbehaviors (impacting the children) you'll need to be aware that it will pay much more attention to the parenting behaviors.  You will need some level of documentation such as official records, police reports, etc.  Unfortunately the disordered person is likely to unleash the worst in private settings away from witnesses.  So also beneficial are your own log, journal or diary notes that contain dates, times, locations, witnesses, details, etc of the incidents.  Vague claims of "he said... ." or "she said... ." are likely to be considered hearsay and mostly ignored.

[livednlearned]

We are divorcing following her affair with a coworker that started 6 weeks after commencing a new career and job.

Oof. Ouch  I'm so sorry, lavarelic. Even when a marriage is struggling, discovering an affair is painful. I'm glad you have found happiness going forward.

3b: If negative, await a further 12 months and complete the divorce without consent (which the law here allows on 24 months separation). And carry on.

I wonder if the amicable stage of coparenting is happening because she holds out hope you won't divorce her? If you serve her, then she may dysregulate into less than amicable behavior, if divorce seems imminent (and there is no one else lined up to replace you).

How are the kids doing with the custody arrangement? How old are they?

How does your wife's BPD show up in her parenting behaviors?

If she is likely to dysregulate further, it could be that you want to document those behaviors and get some sunlight on them before the divorce is signed and sealed.