how to cut back financial support to an adult child with BPD

[rethomofBPD]

Our 28 yo daughter has had a credit card of ours which was supposed to be used for medical care, travel home and emergencies. However we found out she has spent $500-$1000 /month on other things. This happened several years ago  and we stopped the card. While we want her to have access to a credit card for emergencies, we don't want to continue to pay for other nonessential items. She is still in graduate school and doesn't have a lot of money, but needs to live on her own resources. We are dreading the conversation with her because we know she will be furious. We also know that we have to deal with our own anger.
Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi rethomofBPD,



I'd like to welcome you to the community. I'm glad you reached out, as you found a great place for support.

I can understand your feelings of anger. It looks like your daughter has had a different view of the purpose of the credit card. For example, an "emergency" for her might be something that is non-essential in your eyes.

Are you planning to cut off this credit card, too, or do you want to explore ways to communicate about it and keep the conflict down?

This site has tons of resources and tools that can help. And members who understand what you are dealing with.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Partridge]

I am mother of a BPDD 20. I work in finance. My experience is that BPD’s do not accept responsibility for financial consequences.  That is why my approach puts my D “on notice.”  I stated that my funds are limited.  I ask for her to set a limit or tell me what she thinks would be a reasonable amount. For example, while living at college she did not want to be on the meal plan.  I asked her to tell me how much she would need each week for food.  Since she could not figure it out, I suggested $50week.  I shopped with her the first time and gave her three $50 gift cards and told her to stay on budget.  Do not use your emergency credit card. I taught her to calculate as you go- use your phone calculator and round up.  Think of BPDs as a computer.  Give them good programming rules.  She has stayed on budget!  My goal is to get her to graduation day.  I have made a conscious choice NOT to become emotional over minor expenses.  I do not want to give her an excuse to use against me later.  So, little by little, I will insert limits that SHE will set.  It is interesting to watch her frustration when her roommates freeze (use the a/c) the apartment during the summer.  She doesn’t pay for utilities yet but she is definitely aware of the cost as I explain every bill to her for when she lives with her boyfriend and they have “limited resources.”  It is always about her.  Plan your goal and choose your battles carefully, my friend.  Be slow and consistent. Sorry but it is tough love sometimes to get her to be independent while I (the mom) walk on the edge. Find her “currency” and use it.  For now, it is “one day living with her boyfriend”.  You may have to search for that currency but one will bubble to the surface and you must use it.  Good luck.

[qcarolr]

My pwBPD is my DD31. She also has a severe learning disability that limits her ability with math. The credit card never worked with her. If she has access to funds, they are spent. There is a strong feature of impulse control involved. Maybe this is part of the BPD, maybe from her other issues. She has been living away from our area this past year, and I have been the POA for her finances. I set up a basic checking account for her with a debit card with explicit instructions to the bank for no overdraft protection (ie. credit card). I know what money is put in the account, will be spent within a day or so. She can use the debit card instead of using cash. I also have a seperate savings account that is not linked to the debit card where I can put funds on hold for her. This makes transfer easy.

I know this does not teach independence with her finances, but it manages the money without as much distress for both of us. We each know what to expect. Expectations can create a huge amount of distress for me. I have learned to keep my expectations on the low side. It has worked for me.

[rethomofBPD]

Thank you both for your responses. I agree that it is about "her" all the time and that it seems she cannot manage expenses. I have cancelled the card. We have asked her for a budget many times in the past but we will need to stick to it and enforce it if we continue to give financial support. At 28, I think we need to start withdrawing that support.