Trying to sort through resentment about the dog

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

We have a little 5 pound thing.  I actually like the dog and the dog would be fine if properly cared for.

There is an "agreement" that if the dog is out of the kennel, the dog is on a leash.  That way the dog supposedly can't poop or pee in the house, because the dog is never unattended.

There has been improvement in the dog, but the carpets are ruined... .again... .

My wife had the dog downstairs... .invited me downstairs to watch a movie, to which I agreed and was looking forward to it.  I lay down on the carpet in front of our screen to start stretching... .and what do I come face to face with... .yeah... .poop.

So... I leave... .before I said something I would regret.  Kids cleaned it up.

I chilled upstairs for a while and a kid comes up to invite me back down.  So... I go.  I start stretching again and dog hops off couch and starts running around.  I ask for the dog to be leashed.  No movement... .no action from anyone. 

I get up, pick up the dog... take the dog upstairs to kennel and lock dog up.  Come back down to stretch and watch.

My wife eventually starts this nasty BPDish voice tone trying to toss shade at me asking "Why was she running around when I came home?"

I said "I don't know, as you know... .I'm not responsible for the dog."  There was some huffing on her part.

I got up and said "I'm not going to stay and pretend... .please come up when you are ready to talk about solving the dog situation."

Here is the thing... .the family understands I'm the one that cares... .my wife obviously flaunts the rules.  S17 kinda tries rules... .

We've had family meetings about this... .and there have been some improvements. 

There was a push on for another dog a while back that I stopped... refusing to have any more animals in the house. 

I'm ready to get rid of this dog and suffer whatever the consequences are... .

We've had the dog for... about three years now.

Thoughts.

Do I gather the family for one last family meeting.  Next indoor poop the dog is gone... or next time dog is off a leash... .? 

I'm honestly embarrassed to have other adults over now.  Last big social event we did we paid a lot of money to get carpets cleaned.  And there was some improvement... .but nothing close to compliance.

I won't pay for any more cleaning unless dog is gone... .or problem is solved and stays solved for months. 

Sigh... thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

We have a little 5 pound thing.  I actually like the dog and the dog would be fine if properly cared for.

There is an "agreement" that if the dog is out of the kennel, the dog is on a leash.  That way the dog supposedly can't poop or pee in the house, because the dog is never unattended.

There has been improvement in the dog, but the carpets are ruined... .again... .

My wife had the dog downstairs... .invited me downstairs to watch a movie, to which I agreed and was looking forward to it.  I lay down on the carpet in front of our screen to start stretching... .and what do I come face to face with... .yeah... .poop.

So... I leave... .before I said something I would regret.  Kids cleaned it up.

I chilled upstairs for a while and a kid comes up to invite me back down.  So... I go.  I start stretching again and dog hops off couch and starts running around.  I ask for the dog to be leashed.  No movement... .no action from anyone. 

I get up, pick up the dog... take the dog upstairs to kennel and lock dog up.  Come back down to stretch and watch.

My wife eventually starts this nasty BPDish voice tone trying to toss shade at me asking "Why was she running around when I came home?"

I said "I don't know, as you know... .I'm not responsible for the dog."  There was some huffing on her part.

I got up and said "I'm not going to stay and pretend... .please come up when you are ready to talk about solving the dog situation."

Here is the thing... .the family understands I'm the one that cares... .my wife obviously flaunts the rules.  S17 kinda tries rules... .

We've had family meetings about this... .and there have been some improvements. 

There was a push on for another dog a while back that I stopped... refusing to have any more animals in the house. 

I'm ready to get rid of this dog and suffer whatever the consequences are... .

We've had the dog for... about three years now.

Thoughts.

Do I gather the family for one last family meeting.  Next indoor poop the dog is gone... or next time dog is off a leash... .? 

I'm honestly embarrassed to have other adults over now.  Last big social event we did we paid a lot of money to get carpets cleaned.  And there was some improvement... .but nothing close to compliance.

I won't pay for any more cleaning unless dog is gone... .or problem is solved and stays solved for months. 

Sigh... thoughts?

FF

[pearlsw]

Hi formflier,

Sorry to hear that some of the joy of having pets is being lost in these circumstances. We had a lot of indoor and outdoor pets when I was kid growing up out in the country.

Could you lay some rugs over the carpet to protect in certain areas and make clean up easier? Could you have a rule that whomever takes the pet out of the crate is the one who is responsible for that time and whatever happens?

I hate to tell ya, but no one is likely to ever follow the rules very well on this, people are as hard to train as the pets, but I guess you see that already?

I have to say, not knowing what your house looks like, I can't imagine using a leash indoors is a good idea, but I imagine you have your reasons. How about taking the dog outside as soon as it gets out of the crate? Do you potty train with those pads or use the great outdoors? Could the crate be downstairs and closer to a door so the dog goes right out and does its business outside? Is that the goal? Little dogs are extra hard to train I know. Had a pomeranian once.

However you handle it I'd try to deliver it with kindness instead of ultimatums and anger. Just handle it matter of factly, with a team approach... .We've all gotta do this well, for us and for the pets, or its better for us all if we don't do it.

wish you luck on this!

~pearl.

[formflier]

The idea about a short leash (4 or 5 feet) is that if the dog gets up to go run around (and go to corner a pee)... someone is attached that can help train.

When that rule is followed... .there have been no pee issues.  Yep... the dog goes potty every time out of the cage.

I get it I"m "freshly upset" about this... .but I've known for a while that unless my wife gets somewhat interested in "following rules"... .there is no chance for the dog.

Those that have followed my story will likely chuckle about her following any sort of rule.  Boundaries work with her, rules don't.

Of course if I get rid of the dog... .there will be a price to pay... .honestly, right now... .I'll pay any price.

FF

[Husband321]

My wife needed not just one, but 2 Maltese puppies.

I think she walked them one time, and could never potty train them, have any sort of system, consistency etc. it was a nightmare. I am a very clean person, but this was not a battle I chose to have. I was never mad at her for her lack of care, it just wasn't something she was capable of.

My sister on the other hand religiously walks her small dog, tried everything, and the dog still has accidents inside the house.

I would get rid of the dog , as we did, if it is an issue. What is the point to having a dog if it is either in the kennel or on a leash inside the house?

[Notwendy]

Why is this dog not housebroken ? This is not typical for a dog unless they are stuck in the house all day- but dogs will wait to go in the yard if taken outside.

[formflier]

Why is this dog not housebroken ? This is not typical for a dog unless they are stuck in the house all day- but dogs will wait to go in the yard if taken outside.

"They" appeared to do all the right things when we got the puppy several years ago.  And there was a period in time where I thought  the dog was housebroken.  

The solution picked by my wife was to have a small room (half bath) with a puppy pad on it.  This started, perhaps a year ago.  Perhaps this was so the dog spent less time in a kennel.  

Then people started taking the dog to sleep with them.  The dog might hop up and pee or poop and the person would never know.  So... .now S17 and my wife are the only ones that sleep with the dog with any regularity.  Sometimes they sleep with leash attached... sometimes not.  

I obviously don't have a good answer and I'm not involved enough to have a solid opinion.  I'm home with the dog a lot during the day and every couple hours will take the dog out and... to my knowledge, the dog has never peed or pooped "on my watch".  :)og is either in my lap, attached to me with a leash, or in the kennel/room.

I don't let the dog run around the house.  I'll admit that I get tired of "reminding" others to fix this when I see it.

I guess my best answer is my wife's promises regarding the dog have not come true... .

FF

[Lakebreeze]

Formflier,
Hi there! My uBPDh got a golden retriever 6mo ago. So I'm with you on the drama if dealing with dogs and a BPD in the same house. Except the golden sounds a little easier than your 5 pound ankle biter. Sorry. You know that guy on TV (Cesar Milan?I think) says "I train people. I rehabilitate dogs"
Does your wife want this dog? Kids? Do they want it? Because this dog is obviously not house trained so your "rules" are spot on with the leash and never having the dog unattended. It takes a while to house train a dog. I would loose my mind if we had a dog pooping everywhere. That is just gross.
Do you think your wife would listen to a dog trainer? Like have someone come to the house and lay out the rules? I know this sounds a little like an ultimatum but maybe you can say something like " I cant live with a dog that is not house trained. It's unsanitary, ECT ECT. Let's work with a dog trainer for several months and if we don't have improment we can address the next step with the dog (re home? Maybe).
Good luck with this, it sounds super frustrating
Lakebreeze

[formflier]

Lakebreeze,

You are a genius.  This is exactly why I love bpdfamily.  Things that I should have thought of... .but due to resentment, being pissed off... whatever. 

I just sent an email to a local place that says "Your dogs problem is our passion"

Briefly described the need for potty training help and asked if they do housecalls.

While I won't pay for more carpet cleaning, I'll be happy to spring for a dog trainer, get written recommendations... .if followed... .happy dog, happy house, happy FF.

If those that want the dog can't follow directions of a professional... .well... .it's not good for either the people or the dog.

FF

[formflier]

So, in dog world, this dog is a "baby replacement" for my wife.

My wife acknowledges this and it likely leads to why she treats this dog so much differently than others we have had.

Best dog I've ever been around was trained totally by my wife.  100lb lab/pitt mix.  I actually picked it... .and had no idea there was pitt in it.  Wonderful dog.  Primarily because my wife followed the rules, established dominance and demanded obedience.

This was before BPD.  I was gone a lot with Navy and wife was scared of being alone.  The dog was her protector.

FF

[formflier]

We got one other big dog after BPD showed up.  It was disaster, ended up biting a kid and had to be put to sleep.

Sigh... BPD... .

FF

[formflier]

I sent the following email to my wife... .we'll see if it sparks any conversation.


(link to animal trainer that does housecalls)

I sent them a contact email.  The do training in house.

I would want to talk to them first, but I'll consider covering the cost.  

I would like (name of our dog) to be a success and blessing to our family.  That's not been the case, in my opinion, for a long time.  I'm resentful about this and grasping for solutions that might lead to happiness.  

Thoughts?

FF

[Fian]

My 2 cents is that a pet is a member of the family.  You don't get rid of members of the family because they are causing problems.  So I think it is good that you are looking at new options to get the dog potty trained.

[AskingWhy]

FF, BPD and pets are bad mix.  I am sorry you are find this very frustrating.

Adopting a dog into a family is a thing not to be taken likely.  Concur with Fian on this.  All adults in the household need to be on the same page about his care and welfare.  An untrained pet is a nuisance:  they soil all over the house, bark too much, get into the garbage, scratch people, etc.  

I agree with pearlsw.

I am asking you to have compassion for the dog.  He has not been trained and it's not his fault.

If your W is BPD, there may be other motives for her wanting a dog, even as a "surrogate child."  You don't let a human child do whatever he wants.  Instead, you lovingly and firmly give training and guidelines.  :)ogs have the cognitive ability of a child of 2 or 3.  They can figure things out with guidance; they are not stupid.

It is clear to me that no one is giving the dog enough training for him to understand expectations and relieve himself in the correct manner.   Has anyone given enough training to the dog for him to understand expectations?   Training takes time, consistency and patience.  A pwBPD may not have the patience for this.

Moreover, dominance and obedience in dog training are outdated and counterproductive.

You're a Navy man. Think of how a good skipper leads his troops.  He does it by example.  Subordinates follow a leader they respect.  I am sure you know of cruel officers who found their commands in mutiny.  If one has to invoke the UCMJ every time you give an order or tasking, one is not a true leader.  :)ogs follow a pack leader whom they both love... .and respect.  Using force will never encourage love nor respect.  For that matter, military dogs love and respect their handlers and will follow orders even into harm's way.  The love and bond between soldier and handler is encouraged for this reason.

Cesar Millan has long been discredited by experts as evidenced in 2006 in, "The New York Times," and yet people who don't understand dog intelligence or emotions swallow whole his seemingly "miraculous results" from training "sound bites."  Raising human children with cruelty, authoritarianism, humiliation and dominance leads to serous mental disorders and even sociopathy.  :)ogs don't like it, either.  ("... .many animal behaviorists believe that in the long run meeting aggression with aggression breeds more aggression."

www.nytimes.com/2006/08/31/opinion/31derr.html

Finally, a dog is a pack animal and perceives his family as his pack.  A dog should not be crated while the rest of the family has run of the house and is having fun.  He needs training in order to become a member of the family.  We let all our dogs have the run of the house.  They are potty trained and have their designated beds in various rooms, including the TV room.  It saddens me that you choose to "lock up" the dog upstairs while you relax and watch TV.  In our household, our dogs watch TV with us, on our laps or from their beds.

Sleeping with dog on a leash because he is not potty trained is dysfunctional.  We had a little dog who slept next to our bed in his own little bed.  In the middle of the night, he would go to his potty box in the guest room, then come back to his own bed and go back to sleep.  He did this because we trained him not to relieve himself anywhere except in his potty box.  (It was lined with newspaper that we cleaned several times a day.)

Dog ownership is not for everyone.  Having a dog owner who is BPD, who cannot even self-regulate, may be incapable to knowing how to train a dog with love, consistency and patience.   As Lakebreeze says, it takes time to train a dog.

Keep in mind hiring and paying a trainer is no quick fix.  The adult family members must follow through with the suggestions in order the get the correct result and have the dog properly trained. 

I wish you well in this. 

[lolli]

A couple of things to keep in mind:

The dog can sense and be affected by stress and tension in the household. The dog can also tell if the stress and tension is about him/her, and this can stress the dog out and make him nervous, increasing the potential for accidents.

The dog operates largely on sense of smell, so once the dog has gone on the carpet, you really have to eradicate the smell (the dog can smell it even if you can't), attracting the dog to that same spot next time he has to go. So try using a special cleaner for dog mishaps obtainable at a pet supply store.

I'm not sure if this is what's happening, but if you're letting the dog out of the crate and more or less waiting for the dog to let you know when he has to go, instead I'd suggest that as soon as the dog is out of the crate, you take him immediately outside and wait there with him until he goes, and heap tons of praise on him and immediately whisk him back inside, so the dog understands that he's out there to relieve himself.  Also, if first he was being taken outside and then wee wee pads were/are used inside, this might be confusing him. And let me tell you, if you train a dog to go inside the house, it will be twice as hard to train him to go outside later.

This is what I learned from my dogs: my method at first was to act normal if everything was fine, but to reprimand if it wasn't. This didn't work very well. What worked way better was to praise them when they behaved, and then reprimand when they didn't. Once I started letting them know not only what behavior was displeasing to me but also what was pleasing, things went much more smoothly. Example: at first, if I came home and there were no accidents, I'd act "normal". But if I came home to an accident, I reprimanded him, but since the accident happened earlier, the dog couldn't associate my attitude with the action, and in his eyes I was just a crazy lady that sometimes came home in a good mood and sometimes came home in a bad mood. But when I started praising him when there were no accidents, if there was one when I came home, I didn't have to reprimand him very severely for him to get it, because not getting the now-customary praise was enough to make an impact on him.

I also agree with the two previous posters, your dog is a member of the family and deserves the time, effort and attention he needs to help him understand what you expect of him. What's obvious to you is not obvious to him, so it will probably feel to you like you told him the same thing a million times already, so you really just need patience and consistency. It would help if everyone in the house got on board with that. So maybe, as you already said, the trainer will facilitate that. I've never used a trainer, but I know someone who has, and from what he said, a large part of the training process is training the family!

[formflier]

My 2 cents is that a pet is a member of the family.  You don't get rid of members of the family because they are causing problems.  So I think it is good that you are looking at new options to get the dog potty trained.

This is where I am... .I would not have been able to write this last night.  But honestly... .I feel this way.

More later

FF

[Notwendy]

I agree with the others who say that a dog is sensitive to stress and chaos, and the dog's behavior is a reflection of the general chaos in your relationship and your home.

Hats off to you- with the large family. I personally think it is great- I love kids and dogs! But the more of them, the greater the need for organization, consistency, and structure. I know you are doing your best but order when there is disorder is a challenge. I know that I am not the most ordered person- my house isn't always in great order so I can empathize. But aside from house order, is that little people and animals do best with consistency and it is hard to achieve with a disordered parent. I grew up with a BPD mom, so I get that.

I have compassion for your dog- he is just a dog. Perhaps a better title for your thread is resentment about your wife. over this dog issue.

The dog is here to stay but the carpet can go-

Frequent poop and pee ( except for the occasional accident that can be spot cleaned) on the carpet would make me crazy. I think I would consider taking out the carpet if it is going to be full of poop. Easier to clean a floor with a mop. I am not kidding. The germs and the stench will become a problem if it isn't cleaned- and it isn't sanitary.

Another solution to consider is natural consequences. If it is the kids who bring the dog into the carpeted rooms, then rent a carpet cleaner from the store and have them clean it up.

The wife's replacement baby? I can understand baby fever- just holding them- this unconditional love ( and natural enmeshment- a normal stage at that time but may be appealing to someone with a PD for that reason). I love holding babies and also puppies- as that feeling is wonderful- but the other side is the responsibility for babies and puppies who don't stay little and cuddly is a reality. You already have this dog- and yes, a dog is a member of the family, but consider that your wife may later want another one for the same reasons. However, every mother experiences the babies growing up and although we cherish our grown kids, sometimes also miss the cuddly baby stage. How can your wife learn to manage those feelings.

[toomanydogs]

Hey FF,
  I agree with what other people have posted here. Dogs are especially sensitive to stress. I also agree that small dogs are much harder to housebreak than larger dogs, and finally--as my moniker would suggest--I run a multiple-dog family, and for me, they are most definitely members of the family.
  One suggestion regarding leashing: since the dog is small (5 pounds you said?), can you carry him/her and keep the dog on the couch with you? I have found over the years that the more the dog is integrated into the family (pack) the fewer behavioral problems s/he exhibits.
  Getting an in-home dog trainer can help; however, I know that in order for training to work, everyone needs to be taking the same approach. In my own case, when my H was here, and I had so many people in and out of the house, my one dog was really rambunctious. Now that life is so much quieter, I'm seeing a different dog. (On reflection, it could be that she is now responding to my more relaxed energy.)
  Good luck with all this. I hope you're able to resolve the issue. And I'm not sure who used the analogy of being a leader in the Navy, but I'd agree with that, too. Dogs need good leadership.
 
TMD

[BeagleGirl]

BeagleGirl gets to weigh in too.  

I'm the pack leader in my house.  Even though the dogs are supposedly "owned" by various family members, it's a well known fact that is VERY obvious.  My gut response (hang with me here) is that FF may be seen as the pack leader whether he likes it or not.  You are trying to designate FFw and/or various children as the pack leader, responsible for FFdog, but FFdog is just supremely confused because it doesn't understand what YOU want in those moments.

I'm very well aware of the impact of poor house training or training regression on the state of carpet.  In my case, my emotional turmoil during my extramarital affair (turmoil that dBPDstbxh didn't seem to pick on) triggered pretty severe house training regression so when I was literally on my face on the carpet begging God to show me how to love my husband again, my sin smelled like dog pee.  (Sorry for the aside, but that's a pretty strong association for me).

BeagleGirl has 3 dogs - beagles.  Beagles (and BeagleGirl) are notoriously stubborn and single minded, so they can be difficult to train, but they are also highly intelligent, loyal, "pack" minded and reward (food) driven.  There have probably been equal parts of training the dog and training the owner in this "pack".  BeagleGirl has no carpeting in the house.  Area rugs serve very well and more easily cleanable/replaceable.  BeagleGirl will NEVER live without a doggie door again.  Even with said doggie door, since one of our elderly beagles decided that the rooms where humans "do their business" must also be appropriate for her, we have instituted a closed door policy for bathrooms, even when not occupied.  Since the same elderly beagle is most likely to urinate as close to the bathroom door as she can first thing in the morning (all our bedrooms are upstairs and she is starting to have a harder time making it downstairs) we have instituted a morning routine that she looks forward to.  As soon as the sun starts to peek over the horizon BeagleGirl can be found hanging out on the back deck praising the whole pack for going pee pee before heading in for the morning treat.  Elderly dog (who was diagnosed on Monday with cancer that has spread to her lungs) so looks forward to this routine that we have not had a soiling incident in quite a while.  

Coming back to my gut reaction - The above routine has been attempted by other family members (dBPDstbxh, S14, and S19).  The dogs will follow them outside.  They will stare patiently at the other family member while they make noises that sound vaguely like the sounds pack leader (BeagleGirl) makes in louder and more insistent tones as the dogs sit patiently trying to figure out what is expected of them.  When the other human pack member heads back in the house in frustration, it is not unheard of for elderly beagle to head back upstairs to get cozy back in the human bed... .stopping to pee in front of the bathroom door on her way.  Incredibly frustrating, but it's possible that FF may come to a point where delegation of responsibility for the dog is not possible, even if FFw were to truly accept and follow through on it.

But I do agree that bringing in a trainer is a good idea, as is parting with as much carpeting as you are willing (says someone who obviously values canine companionship over flooring choice).

[GaGrl]

Echoing others... .

Small dogs are definitely more difficult to house train. Females are more difficult than males - they have the ability to "squat and keep going" and you don't even realize it until you see the piddle!

We have two houses - one with carpet, one all hard surfaces and a doggie door. Same two dogs (mini schnauzers) , and the 18-month old female has better potty habits at the house with hard surfaces/doggie door. I am looking forward to retirement at that house!

The leash method is a technique that works to train the dog, but you should be able to drop it at some point.

Is the dog learning other tricks or habits? My friend has her Havanese female  trained to ring a bell on the backdoor when she needs to go out. We have reached the point where our male will "tell" DH (not me) when he wants to go out - he sits in front of DH and, when recognized, backs up toward the door. DH is alpha.

The alpha situation is key. My DH is the alpha, no doubt - and the little female tests him. Constantly. She even "talks" back to him. We use praise and treats, and they are required to sit and wait for the reward treat.

Another note that the trainer will pick up on... .the activity and noise or chaos in the house. Our house is calm - makes a difference!

[love4meNOTu]

FF for the first time I might be able to offer you some assistance.

I have a small morkie (Maltese and yorkie mix) the love of my life who I've never been able to get potty trained. I had to replace my carpets... and I found the answer! ! Washable doggie diapers, reusable, velcro. Soft and impossible for the dog to remove.

He runs around the house with his freedom and my carpets smell great! I found them on amazon, they come in fashionable colors and you can buy multiple sets of three to have plenty on hand.

I hope this helps you, little dogs are wonderful companions with great little personalities.

My best,

L

[formflier]

I hope this helps you, little dogs are wonderful companions with great little personalities.

 

Diapers found and ordered.  Extra small.

I really do want this to be a success... .I'll try to find time to tell the complete story of the dog, sort of cements the place as a member of the family, versus "just an animal".

Yeah... sometimes they are "just animals", but that is coming from the farmer in me.  Barn cats and house cats are totally different.  I guess I've never had a barn dog.

Not that it means they get treated any less well, but the emotional attachment part is different. 

FF

[love4meNOTu]

I'm so glad. You made me laugh because you have a similar outlook to my father.


After my parents retired they adopted 1 small dog. Then fostered another, and now Annie and Eddie have superceded me in their affections. They won't fly any more because it's too stressful on their "kids".

Need I say more?

[GaGrl]

This whole scenario remind me of our situation when I was about 7 years old. Dad was a country boy, and mom was a city girl.  :)ad bought land in a semi-rural area (bless my mom), and we somehow ended up with 5 dogs, 13 cats, 30 chickens, a rabbit, a duck, goldfish and turtles. Then we bred the collie, who had 11 pups. And my sister and I got dropped off at the stables each Saturday for riding lessons.

One night at dinner, my mother made the announcement that we could keep 2 dogs, 2 cats, and THAT WAS IT! We would find homes for all others. And we did.

My mom didn't do well with a lot of boundaries, but she sure found her limit with that many animals. Good for her.

[AskingWhy]

Sadly, animals/pets become the targets of people's projections.  They have no choice in the matter, and yet their emotions are as real as any toddler's.  There was a case where a man's estranged wife (and her boyfriend) killed her husband's innocent dog.

I think the OP wants to help the dog that belongs to his wife.  The wife was stated to have adopted the dog as a surrogate child.  This can be wonderful... .or not.  If the wife is BPD, she may devalue the dog once the novelty of his presence fades.  We had this happen to one of my uNPD/uBPD H's children.  SD is uBPD and adopted a dog when she was living with a BF.  When the two broke up, she wanted to dump the dog on us.  Eventually she found a nice home for the dog.

We have been the recipients of a number of houseplants that are near dead because she buys them, neglects them and then brings them to our home as "gifts."

[formflier]

One night at dinner, my mother made the announcement that we could keep 2 dogs, 2 cats, and THAT WAS IT! We would find homes for all others. And we did.
 

Interesting... .how many were "in the home" versus how many were in barns or outside?

FF

[GaGrl]

Interesting... .how many were "in the home" versus how many were in barns or outside?

FF

Well... .the chickens never came inside... .

We had two dogs who were inside/outside -- the others had doghouses outside.

The mama-cat with kittens was allowed inside -- all others were barn cats.

Mom's position was that no one was helping feed/water them, and she was tired of it.

[Cat Familiar]

I really understand how awful it is when dogs aren't properly house trained. It's one thing for pets to have "mistakes" or throw up on the carpet, but repeatedly pooping on the carpet--that's intolerable. I'm glad to hear that diapers are on their way.

In agreement with others, dogs definitely are sensitive to stress in the household. And they also feel insecure when the rules are constantly changing. I'm not a fan of keeping a dog on a leash or too much crate time; I think they want to be treated as equal members of the household.

This is a weird thought: since your wife is treating the dog as a baby substitute, might there be some issues where she's infantilizing the dog and not wanting to do what it takes to house train it properly? I realize you've had this dog for several years already and that small dogs can be quite difficult to housebreak, but if she sees it as a "baby" might she be more tolerant of letting it break the rules?

[Cat Familiar]

I'm the animal person around here and I have quite a number of different species that I take care of. They all are well-tended, with great veterinary care and the best food and nutritional supplements.

When I first got together with my husband, I thought that he would have some interest in helping me care for the animals. To his credit, he has helped out when I've had four figure veterinary bills on occasion. But the day to day stuff. Nah.

Even after ten years, he doesn't have a clue as to how to feed any of them. It's not difficult. And I have detailed instructions posted on the walls of the various feed rooms for when I've had an animal sitter.

After my concussion last year, I was seeing double and had no depth perception. Did he even once offer to help me feed? Y'all can guess correctly.

I know having animals is my thing and I'm happy to take care of them. What surprises me is that a pwBPD can be so uninterested in either caring for another life form or helping their own partner.

[Red5]

Yes, small dogs are much harder to housebreak, also the “pack animal” phenomena, certainly a dog is a pack animal, and soon becomes part of the family, and even bonds with certain family member especially.

Have had many beloved puppy dog family members through the years,

When my u/BPDw and I got married a few years ago (7), I and my three teenage children had a “moody” chow mix dog in our family, who was a stray we took in (actually he adopted us I think) and he was house broken from the git-go, he was about forty pounds and three yrs old at that time, and my GF (stb[u/BPD]w) had a little yorkie, and she did not seem to be anywhere near trainable, housebroken, she went wherever, whenever, but she was cute, sweet, very small, about four pounds, and seemed to like me very much, stole my heart.

So we got hitched up, married up, and combined households, and the strangest thing happened (“pack animal” phenomena), the little yorkie would now follow the chow out into the back yard every morning, and they would do their business together, and then the chow seemed to start watching over the smaller female dog, and would follow her round the yard, and then remark everything she would do (leave)… and very soon the little yorkie no longer did what she felt, when she felt the “need” to in the house anymore… she would wait to outside with the larger chow dog, … I think he actually “shamed” her into not leaving daddy little surprises in daddy's house anymore.

Interesting, maybe K9 peer pressure, “pack animal” phenomena?

Now, some ten yrs later, she is much older, and blind in one eye, and almost blind in the other, and she still tries her best to save it till the morning patrol, and he is also much older now, and grumpier (chow), and he still watches over her as she goes on her morning patrol, follows close behind and remarks everything, they are a “pair”.

Too funny,

The little girl yorkie (4lbs) still sleeps with us every night, and he sleeps on the floor by the bed, he is always on duty, and I doubt if the booger man could even get into the house without first losing limbs to the chow attack dog.

Of interest, “pack animal” phenomena, when my u/BPDw is on a “rant”, the two of them (dogs) will seek cover in my son’s room, almost as if they both are protecting him.

Dogs do sense human feelings, for sure !

Another “pack animal” phenomena is that both have seemed to reverse owners, the little yorkie girl, she wants to always be in my lap and with me solely when we are in company, and he, the moody chow dog old man (now) will be under her chair, or beside her on the couch… follows her wherever she goes in the home, so it seems we have in effect “traded” dogs since we married.

They are like our own children, with us for life, my chow mix dog seemed to fall completely and totally in love with her (w) from the very first time he ever laid eyes upon her, “he”; the chow dog absolutely adores her (w), and is also extremely protective of my son, and as well her (w).

So there you have it, “pack animal” phenomena, the little dog got shamed by the bigger dog, and it was house broken by “proxy” & peer pressure ?

[Husband321]

We have a little 5 pound thing.  I actually like the dog and the dog would be fine if properly cared for.

There is an "agreement" that if the dog is out of the kennel, the dog is on a leash.  That way the dog supposedly can't poop or pee in the house, because the dog is never unattended.

There has been improvement in the dog, but the carpets are ruined... .again... .

My wife had the dog downstairs... .invited me downstairs to watch a movie, to which I agreed and was looking forward to it.  I lay down on the carpet in front of our screen to start stretching... .and what do I come face to face with... .yeah... .poop.

So... I leave... .before I said something I would regret.  Kids cleaned it up.

I chilled upstairs for a while and a kid comes up to invite me back down.  So... I go.  I start stretching again and dog hops off couch and starts running around.  I ask for the dog to be leashed.  No movement... .no action from anyone.  

I get up, pick up the dog... take the dog upstairs to kennel and lock dog up.  Come back down to stretch and watch.

My wife eventually starts this nasty BPDish voice tone trying to toss shade at me asking "Why was she running around when I came home?"

I said "I don't know, as you know... .I'm not responsible for the dog."  There was some huffing on her part.

I got up and said "I'm not going to stay and pretend... .please come up when you are ready to talk about solving the dog situation."

Here is the thing... .the family understands I'm the one that cares... .my wife obviously flaunts the rules.  S17 kinda tries rules... .

We've had family meetings about this... .and there have been some improvements.  

There was a push on for another dog a while back that I stopped... refusing to have any more animals in the house.  

I'm ready to get rid of this dog and suffer whatever the consequences are... .

We've had the dog for... about three years now.

Thoughts.

Do I gather the family for one last family meeting.  Next indoor poop the dog is gone... or next time dog is off a leash... .?  

I'm honestly embarrassed to have other adults over now.  Last big social event we did we paid a lot of money to get carpets cleaned.  And there was some improvement... .but nothing close to compliance.

I won't pay for any more cleaning unless dog is gone... .or problem is solved and stays solved for months.  

Sigh... thoughts?

FF

Am I the only one who  has a different view here?

As I said, my ex wife purchased 2 Maltese and did not take care AT ALL.

That was the least of my problems in the big scheme of life.

In your story:

A. You agree to having a dog in your family, but YOU will not take care of it

B. You see poop and huff and puff and leave for your kids to clean it.  Sort of passive aggressive just go upstairs.

C. Dog was out of the kennel when your wife wasn't even home. You just basically said "not my dog or problem"

If it were me I would pick up the poop, make a joke, be like "hey how can we solve this" , jump on google and get diapers.  Which we also did for the Maltese.