Trying to get answers and help for an ex and myself

[seenbetterdays]

Ok... .so... .I will freely admit I suck at this and have zero grace when it comes to this type of thing.

Houston we have a problem here!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Then... .if other people "have" their emotions because they have "projected" them, other people need to be controlled... to control their own emotions.

formflier, seriously, this is brilliant.  Now I know why my physically abusive wife told me that I needed to take anger management classes.  I never connected those dots.  Thanks.

Ok... .so... .I will freely admit I suck at this and have zero grace when it comes to this type of thing.

Houston we have a problem here!

seenbetterdays, don't worry.  Putting this stuff into practice is messy, and involves a lot of failure.  Old guys only sound like we know what we're doing because we have more years of failure under our belts.  Possibly a half century or more when you add formflier and I both up    Most of this stuff is counterintuitive.

WW

[formflier]

There are ways to do this with the zero grace thing.

Focus on succinct and be matter of fact.  Stay away from being "accusing".  "I won't do (blank). " (walk away).

FF

[seenbetterdays]

Such as "I don't deserve to be yelled at, and I am going to walk away for (specified time) to give everyone time to cool down"?

[formflier]

Such as "I don't deserve to be yelled at, and I am going to walk away for (specified time) to give everyone time to cool down"?

Hehe... .I used to say things "word for word" like you do.  I've always found it interesting that people think and speak alike from the same "cultures".

Take your statement and make it a statement about your values, but remove any judgment from it.  YOU stay away from judging.  Leave that up to her to connect the dots between her behavior and your values... .and you being there... .or not.

FF

[seenbetterdays]

Such as "I do not want to yell and fight, and am going to leave for 30 mins and come back to see if our emotions have calmed down"?

[formflier]

Such as "I do not want to will not yell and fight, and am going to leave for 30 mins and come back to see if our emotions have calmed down"?

And leave... .no talking... no texting... .no "one last thing".

FF

[seenbetterdays]

Ok, I think I am slowly getting the hang of this, cue the "Eye of the Tiger"!

Duh
Duh Duh Duh
Duh Duh Duh
Duh Duh
Duuuuuuuh

[Radcliff]

This leaving and coming back thing that formflier is talking about is very powerful.  It addresses a problem pwBPD have with not just abandonment, but also something related called "object constancy."  Very small babies do not have object constancy.  When their mother leaves the room, they think she has ceased to exist, and they freak out.  Eventually they learn that their mother still exists and will come back.  pwBPD have issues with object constancy.  Leaving the room can set them off.  So the promise to come back is key.  This is not a punishment.  You are exercising your limits, but are doing it with empathy and sensitivity to their needs.

You might experiment with the amount of time.  Maybe 10 minutes to start.  You are both learning, and you want to create a successful "time out" experience each time.  I've read that 20 minutes is the minimum amount of time a man who is "flooded" with emotion needs to cool down.  Make sure that as you exit you say that you need some time.  You don't even need to point out her harsh words.  Just say you need some time to cool down so you can listen to her better.  Leaving is enough of a message.  And then coming back is an important message as well.  :)on't expect this to go smoothly the first time.  If it goes very poorly, for example if she tries to physically prevent you from leaving, let us know.  But hopefully you'll find this to be an effective tool.  Either way, keep us posted.

WW

[seenbetterdays]

So I tried to direct but think, click, speak, click method yesterday.

I sent her an email that said, "I will not be punished and controlled." Well, I think I struck a nerve because she promptly sent most of the money owed and blocked email and phone. So what do I do now?

[Radcliff]

How about letting yourself feel good about getting the money owed, and trying to take the weekend off from worrying about anything else?  If she just blocked you, she won't be much into chatting tomorrow.  I'd give it a little time to settle.

WW

[seenbetterdays]

That is pretty much what I am doing. I went to a concert last night with a buddy, and there are a slew of Mardi Gras things happening that look cool around the area this weekend.

[Radcliff]

A concert and Mardi Gras sounds perfect!

WW